...as it's late, and I'm tired but have loads of crap to do and an early start in the morning. Shouldn't be on here at all really.
Things are going lovely for everyone. They are all doing so well. And today I felt pregnant. Sound weird? I don't know why, it just suddenly hit me that I felt pregnant, and a ray of hope came over me, and a big smile.
I tried not to test when I got home, honest I did. But those bloody ebay tests - there's so cheap! I think the pack I had contained 10 when I bought it - there's two left now. And I only got one line.
I don't know why I did it, wishful thinking I suppose. I'm not even due my period for another 10 days, but then my cycle isn't regular so I thought 'you never know...'
So that's it for now. Still not knocked up. Busy times coming and I'm little prepared. Unless I can get my arse in to gear Rowan's birthday is going to be a crap stress-fest.
.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
blog blog blog
And now to continue my marathon blogging - this really is the problem with having a life; it gets in the way of precious internet time.
So last week started well. I went back to Slimming World after a week of trying to pull it back together after my illness week. I did lose loads that week, but I'm sure it's not from eating less, it's more likely to be the fact that I've started going home in the afternoons, bringing my day's walking up to at least 9 miles!
Well I got to my target weight AT LAST. I've only been trying since the beginning of the year! It started off with a poxy half stone to lose and got worse and worse. Not going to let that happen again (I hope!). I actually went below target, so set it a little higher than what I was, because I know just a few lbs can make quite a difference in how much I struggle. Oh, I also got Slimmer of the Week! Joint with a couple of other women, but still, woohoo!
Frazer came out of school with a cut lip on Monday. Not a big one, and I forgot to ask about it. Liam told me later that Frazer said James had punched him in the face twice that day! I've spoken to Frazer about it, but as usual, he really plays things down. He doesn't want any hassle, and doesn't want to get anyone else in to trouble - this is just how he is. In the end he said (compromised?) that James had done it once by accident, and once because he was being silly/mean.
I spoke to his teacher, who was great about it. Because of my graduation I couldn't speak to her in the morning, so asked if I could 'have a word after school' - I always want to LOL at how that must strike fear in to every teacher's heart, just as it does for us parents!
She admitted that she doesn't know the class very well yet, but has been keeping an eye on Frazer. There's been a crane thingie parked outside their class and it's been making them a bit loopy apparently, it's gone now though. She was very sorry that Frazer had been hurt, and as I suspected, she doesn't recall telling him to sit down after him telling her he had been hit. I'm guessing he used his super quiet voice. I don't think James will be silly again, he's not normally.
She has been watching him - I can tell from what she says of him. Firstly that he seems worried all the time, like he's scared he is about to be shouted at (yet he is one of the most sensible children in the school!). She has also seen how he sits alone sometimes in the playground - which I am glad of, because I had asked other teachers and they had never noticed. She approached him the other day to ask if he had anyone to play with and he said yes, although it was quite clear he had not.
I don't really know what to do about that. His teacher sent over some other children to play, and I told her how I know he is dependant on Scarlett - I think he has been wolfing down his lunch in order to get in to the playground while she is still out, as infants play finishes earlier.
At least he has a teacher that is aware, and keeping an eye. On a *far* better note - he has an achievements assembly this week, on Friday (and Liam has the day off!), of which he is so proud that it's a pleasure to see.
Tuesday was graduation day and I had fun!
Me and Liam were both dressed smartly, and even though not everyone made quite the same effort, we had a great time and I didn't feel odd. It was lovely, good speeches by people I admire about subjects I am passionate about. We all presented our posters - I ended up presenting three! My own, the woman in our group that could not be there, and the joint group effort.
They were good though. We had one demonstrating that breastfeeding is more than just another lifestyle choice (pics of choosing a car, holiday etc), it is an important health decision (pic of sick baby and worried parents)
Mine was of many different coloured mums breastfeeding in a row - the United Colours of Breastfeeding - as it is one of the things that unites women, regardless of background, across the globe. The idea is blatantly stolen, but rearranged a little and it works.
The group effort, which was a quick one as we didn't want to waste fab pictures - was of a woman breastfeeding in the middle (a happy laughing mum watching her toddler on a swing!) and other mammals being fed in 4 pictures around it. Simple wording: My baby, My milk - but thinking back, I reckon it would make a really good poster in a pre-school setting.
We were presented with our certificates by Dame Donna Kinnair - she is fab - and we also got a Breastfeeding 'Bible' - the La Leche League Breastfeeding Answer Book - it's rather huge! Oh, we also got a shiney BFPC b
adge, and we were interviewed by the local press who asked a couple of rather awkward questions (what one thing would you say to people out there about breastfeeding and the cafes?), but I think I did well when I stressed the word NORMAL. I said if I could say one thing to people out there, it would be to say that they should come along to the cafe and see for themselves. It's not hippies, not yuppies, it's just mums, with their babies - we feed them when they need it, we drink tea and eat biscuits with a bit of a chat and if we ever need help, it's right there.
So last week started well. I went back to Slimming World after a week of trying to pull it back together after my illness week. I did lose loads that week, but I'm sure it's not from eating less, it's more likely to be the fact that I've started going home in the afternoons, bringing my day's walking up to at least 9 miles!
Well I got to my target weight AT LAST. I've only been trying since the beginning of the year! It started off with a poxy half stone to lose and got worse and worse. Not going to let that happen again (I hope!). I actually went below target, so set it a little higher than what I was, because I know just a few lbs can make quite a difference in how much I struggle. Oh, I also got Slimmer of the Week! Joint with a couple of other women, but still, woohoo!
Frazer came out of school with a cut lip on Monday. Not a big one, and I forgot to ask about it. Liam told me later that Frazer said James had punched him in the face twice that day! I've spoken to Frazer about it, but as usual, he really plays things down. He doesn't want any hassle, and doesn't want to get anyone else in to trouble - this is just how he is. In the end he said (compromised?) that James had done it once by accident, and once because he was being silly/mean.
I spoke to his teacher, who was great about it. Because of my graduation I couldn't speak to her in the morning, so asked if I could 'have a word after school' - I always want to LOL at how that must strike fear in to every teacher's heart, just as it does for us parents!
She admitted that she doesn't know the class very well yet, but has been keeping an eye on Frazer. There's been a crane thingie parked outside their class and it's been making them a bit loopy apparently, it's gone now though. She was very sorry that Frazer had been hurt, and as I suspected, she doesn't recall telling him to sit down after him telling her he had been hit. I'm guessing he used his super quiet voice. I don't think James will be silly again, he's not normally.
She has been watching him - I can tell from what she says of him. Firstly that he seems worried all the time, like he's scared he is about to be shouted at (yet he is one of the most sensible children in the school!). She has also seen how he sits alone sometimes in the playground - which I am glad of, because I had asked other teachers and they had never noticed. She approached him the other day to ask if he had anyone to play with and he said yes, although it was quite clear he had not.
I don't really know what to do about that. His teacher sent over some other children to play, and I told her how I know he is dependant on Scarlett - I think he has been wolfing down his lunch in order to get in to the playground while she is still out, as infants play finishes earlier.
At least he has a teacher that is aware, and keeping an eye. On a *far* better note - he has an achievements assembly this week, on Friday (and Liam has the day off!), of which he is so proud that it's a pleasure to see.
Tuesday was graduation day and I had fun!
Me and Liam were both dressed smartly, and even though not everyone made quite the same effort, we had a great time and I didn't feel odd. It was lovely, good speeches by people I admire about subjects I am passionate about. We all presented our posters - I ended up presenting three! My own, the woman in our group that could not be there, and the joint group effort.
They were good though. We had one demonstrating that breastfeeding is more than just another lifestyle choice (pics of choosing a car, holiday etc), it is an important health decision (pic of sick baby and worried parents)
Mine was of many different coloured mums breastfeeding in a row - the United Colours of Breastfeeding - as it is one of the things that unites women, regardless of background, across the globe. The idea is blatantly stolen, but rearranged a little and it works.
The group effort, which was a quick one as we didn't want to waste fab pictures - was of a woman breastfeeding in the middle (a happy laughing mum watching her toddler on a swing!) and other mammals being fed in 4 pictures around it. Simple wording: My baby, My milk - but thinking back, I reckon it would make a really good poster in a pre-school setting.
We were presented with our certificates by Dame Donna Kinnair - she is fab - and we also got a Breastfeeding 'Bible' - the La Leche League Breastfeeding Answer Book - it's rather huge! Oh, we also got a shiney BFPC b
adge, and we were interviewed by the local press who asked a couple of rather awkward questions (what one thing would you say to people out there about breastfeeding and the cafes?), but I think I did well when I stressed the word NORMAL. I said if I could say one thing to people out there, it would be to say that they should come along to the cafe and see for themselves. It's not hippies, not yuppies, it's just mums, with their babies - we feed them when they need it, we drink tea and eat biscuits with a bit of a chat and if we ever need help, it's right there.
Monday, September 29, 2008
It's been a good week
So my last entry was a bit down, but I've picked things up from there. I got a little tipsy (well, actually it was rather too tipsy on very little wine! *ahem*) and had a good old talk with Liam which helped me loads. That's not to say that Liam is the cause of all my problems, not by a looonnnngg way, but he is my best friend and my confidant when I need him. More than just a shoulder to cry on; he makes me feel secure when I'm in one of my spinning around in a lost void kind of moments.
I decided to back off from TTC. I don't know how well I will be able to stick to this, especially next month when I get the same rush of hormones, but I'm hoping to make it easier on myself.
I've not looked at 'Fertilityfriend' for a while now - well, actually, I've just opened the page after typing that, so I really am weak! It's curiosity that got me started on it, and curiosity that makes me check. I've never done this the way so many other women do, but having dipped my toe in I know that I just can't take it - there's so much pressure to put on myself, and way way too much stressing.
So from now on we'll just see what happens. I'm even determined to leave it a few days after my period is due before testing, but we'll see how well that determination lasts in two weeks time.
Liam got the all clear on his elbow at last, he has been having physio for this for so long now I don't even know when the problem started. He couldn't fully extend his arm, and he couldn't carry anything remotely heavy on that side, it was very painful. I think he did it while at Ju-jitsu (or maybe carrying heavy things at work), which he has given up for now anyway. I think when his OU course is done he might return.
It's funny though, as soon as I got a text from him to say that no more physio was needed, I thought to myself; 'He will get the job now then.' I just knew that it would go in that order - he got a good pass on his OU assignment, then the physiotherapist said that his arm was sorted and then he got a phonecall to say he passed everything and has the job if he wants it!
This is fantastic. OK, I do realise that PCSOs are more hated than Traffic Wardens by some people (and not much more use in crime most of the time too) but it does get Liam out of the crappy job he's in now, a job he's wanted to leave for a loooonnnnnngggg time, but never felt able to. It's also one of the only ways he's been able to get in to the police force. When he was looking to join he realised that really they were only interested in recruiting ethnic minorities and women (positive discrimination makes me SICK) and he found out that if you go in to the PCSOs, then after a year you can apply and train to be in the real Police Force.
Of course, since then he found a couple of open police recruitment days but he's not allowed to apply for both jobs, so we wont dwell on that.
It does raise a couple of issues though. Kung fu is one of the main ones - at the moment he teaches twice a week: on wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings. Of course the police (and PCSOs) do shift work, so unless they are either lenient for him or his black belts agree to reliably stick to a rota of training the lower belts, it's going to leave him stuck. It would be such a shame to see the class go down the drain, but then so few are turning up on sundays anyway. The kiddy class is great though, and Wednesdays are doing ok I think.
Another issue is us as a family, although it's not such a big issue for me, which I suppose is surprising. If Liam works a late shift, I know that he will still have time to be around me and the children. If he has to work Christmas I will hate it, but at the same time I know we'd deal with it (even if it meant having Christmas on a different day), and I'm sure that after all this time jobs that require these kinds of hours/days will have partial solutions at least.
No, it will sound trivial, and like a joke, but I really am more worried about dinners! I am a hopeless, hopeless cook, and I have no desire at all to learn.
However, Liam is an enthusiastic and wonderful cook! He prepares meals that we all like, nutritious meals with a variety of ingredients, he knows what goes with what and he makes an effort to find out more.
I will stick to a couple of basics and the rest will be burnt fishfingers and chips! I don't want that for our family, but I really am crap - no one wants to eat when I've cooked. I can bake - and decorate! - but we can hardly have cakes for dinner every day, or can we......? lol
But there are more pluses to this job besides Liam getting out of the one he's in now. He will be out of the office and on the streets, in public. He will be helping people, which he is very good at. He will have an opening in to the police force, he will be a keyworker (if not as a PCSO then he will when a PC) and so will be entitled to keyworker housing. A good friend pointed out to me that if we can get on to an estate that is all keyworker housing it will be fantastic for us and our children, as the other children and people there will all be of families that have to hold down a good and steady job - not the stereotype council scum that we have invading the once-peaceful square that we have now.
His pay will go up, but then again, we will have to deal with the tax credits people messing us about as a result, and work out savings rather than relying on a Christmas bonus to buy presents with! On the other hand, the legal profession often look for people with police or military background, so another bonus there for the future.
The children are so happy, and Liam's family are over the moon too. Scarlett drew a picture straight away, of Daddy in a police uniform next to a police car - that's a keeper. Liam's family have been discussing little gifts they can get him, all along the lines of a toy truncheon or bobby hat, which made me giggle - he will get the uniform he needs on the job! lol
But best of all, Liam is happy. He found out on thursday and was like a changed person when I saw him. Liam's mum said she could hear it in his voice on the phone. I never realised just how much it was all bogging him down until Friday morning, when he was on his way in to work, about to tell his boss. I commented on how pleased he was with himself and he really was! He was beaming from the inside out, and it's really as though a weight has been lifted from him. I am proud of him, but I knew it would come anyway. What I really feel is a mixture of relief and gladness, that he is the person he deserves to be, a happy one.
The week had it's other good points, but I've blathered on so much I really do need to stop there!
I will make key notes to come back to (as I really am sad like that, and forgetful!):
SW target(!)
Frazer and James
Coffee Morning
Jenny's Birthday
Sarah's visit
Rowan's Birthday worries
Blog link requests(?)
Wow, I really have been busy this week :)
.
I decided to back off from TTC. I don't know how well I will be able to stick to this, especially next month when I get the same rush of hormones, but I'm hoping to make it easier on myself.
I've not looked at 'Fertilityfriend' for a while now - well, actually, I've just opened the page after typing that, so I really am weak! It's curiosity that got me started on it, and curiosity that makes me check. I've never done this the way so many other women do, but having dipped my toe in I know that I just can't take it - there's so much pressure to put on myself, and way way too much stressing.
So from now on we'll just see what happens. I'm even determined to leave it a few days after my period is due before testing, but we'll see how well that determination lasts in two weeks time.
Liam got the all clear on his elbow at last, he has been having physio for this for so long now I don't even know when the problem started. He couldn't fully extend his arm, and he couldn't carry anything remotely heavy on that side, it was very painful. I think he did it while at Ju-jitsu (or maybe carrying heavy things at work), which he has given up for now anyway. I think when his OU course is done he might return.
It's funny though, as soon as I got a text from him to say that no more physio was needed, I thought to myself; 'He will get the job now then.' I just knew that it would go in that order - he got a good pass on his OU assignment, then the physiotherapist said that his arm was sorted and then he got a phonecall to say he passed everything and has the job if he wants it!
This is fantastic. OK, I do realise that PCSOs are more hated than Traffic Wardens by some people (and not much more use in crime most of the time too) but it does get Liam out of the crappy job he's in now, a job he's wanted to leave for a loooonnnnnngggg time, but never felt able to. It's also one of the only ways he's been able to get in to the police force. When he was looking to join he realised that really they were only interested in recruiting ethnic minorities and women (positive discrimination makes me SICK) and he found out that if you go in to the PCSOs, then after a year you can apply and train to be in the real Police Force.
Of course, since then he found a couple of open police recruitment days
It does raise a couple of issues though. Kung fu is one of the main ones - at the moment he teaches twice a week: on wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings. Of course the police (and PCSOs) do shift work, so unless they are either lenient for him or his black belts agree to reliably stick to a rota of training the lower belts, it's going to leave him stuck. It would be such a shame to see the class go down the drain, but then so few are turning up on sundays anyway. The kiddy class is great though, and Wednesdays are doing ok I think.
Another issue is us as a family, although it's not such a big issue for me, which I suppose is surprising. If Liam works a late shift, I know that he will still have time to be around me and the children. If he has to work Christmas I will hate it, but at the same time I know we'd deal with it (even if it meant having Christmas on a different day), and I'm sure that after all this time jobs that require these kinds of hours/days will have partial solutions at least.
No, it will sound trivial, and like a joke, but I really am more worried about dinners! I am a hopeless, hopeless cook, and I have no desire at all to learn.
However, Liam is an enthusiastic and wonderful cook! He prepares meals that we all like, nutritious meals with a variety of ingredients, he knows what goes with what and he makes an effort to find out more.
I will stick to a couple of basics and the rest will be burnt fishfingers and chips! I don't want that for our family, but I really am crap - no one wants to eat when I've cooked. I can bake - and decorate! - but we can hardly have cakes for dinner every day, or can we......? lol
But there are more pluses to this job besides Liam getting out of the one he's in now. He will be out of the office and on the streets, in public. He will be helping people, which he is very good at. He will have an opening in to the police force, he will be a keyworker (if not as a PCSO then he will when a PC) and so will be entitled to keyworker housing. A good friend pointed out to me that if we can get on to an estate that is all keyworker housing it will be fantastic for us and our children, as the other children and people there will all be of families that have to hold down a good and steady job - not the stereotype council scum that we have invading the once-peaceful square that we have now.
His pay will go up, but then again, we will have to deal with the tax credits people messing us about as a result, and work out savings rather than relying on a Christmas bonus to buy presents with! On the other hand, the legal profession often look for people with police or military background, so another bonus there for the future.
The children are so happy, and Liam's family are over the moon too. Scarlett drew a picture straight away, of Daddy in a police uniform next to a police car - that's a keeper. Liam's family have been discussing little gifts they can get him, all along the lines of a toy truncheon or bobby hat, which made me giggle - he will get the uniform he needs on the job! lol
But best of all, Liam is happy. He found out on thursday and was like a changed person when I saw him. Liam's mum said she could hear it in his voice on the phone. I never realised just how much it was all bogging him down until Friday morning, when he was on his way in to work, about to tell his boss. I commented on how pleased he was with himself and he really was! He was beaming from the inside out, and it's really as though a weight has been lifted from him. I am proud of him, but I knew it would come anyway. What I really feel is a mixture of relief and gladness, that he is the person he deserves to be, a happy one.
The week had it's other good points, but I've blathered on so much I really do need to stop there!
I will make key notes to come back to (as I really am sad like that, and forgetful!):
SW target(!)
Frazer and James
Coffee Morning
Jenny's Birthday
Sarah's visit
Rowan's Birthday worries
Blog link requests(?)
Wow, I really have been busy this week :)
.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
sigh
I'm having a really pants couple of days. I'm hoping that it's hormonal and will pass soon, but there are other factors in why I'm feeling crap, I just can't go in to it unfortunately.
No one is sick or anything, don't worry about that - It's all me I guess, as usual. Would be nice if it wasn't my fault for a change but it so often is that I should be used to it.
Anyway - it's a bit of a ho-hum moment. I shan't go on, but I've explained myself now, in case I'm posting less over the next few days.
.
No one is sick or anything, don't worry about that - It's all me I guess, as usual. Would be nice if it wasn't my fault for a change but it so often is that I should be used to it.
Anyway - it's a bit of a ho-hum moment. I shan't go on, but I've explained myself now, in case I'm posting less over the next few days.
.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I'm graduating in the morning....
....ding dong the bells are gonna chime...!
Nope, just doesn't work, does it?
It's the Graduation Ceremony for my year of Breastfeeding Peer Counsellors tomorrow and I'm nervy for more than one reason, though looking forward to it all the same.
Did I mention on here that during our course we had to design breast feeding posters? Well my group (of 3 women) kinda bliped it up there - we ended up making a poster each! Actually, I think there might have even been an extra one, damn, it would be useful to remember what it was right now...
Well one of the women, F, is lovely, but quite softly spoken, and the other in my group can't make it to the graduation tomorrow (she's gutted, the poor thing), so that means it will probably be me who has to make the presentation during the graduation tomorrow. And that means 2 - or maybe 3 - posters to present, if I assume that F will want to present her own. And there's the one that I can't even remember, so I'll have to wing it at the time I think!
I'm also kinda eeked that I'm going to make a fool of myself in some way. One worry is my fellow BFPCs will be going ultra casual, when I really want to take this opportunity to dress up and look good! I want to celebrate the fact that I've achieved something, and I'm not going to feel that I've done that if I go in jeans and a t-shirt.
Fortunately, Rebecca has just returned to the country and one of the first things she said to me was 'what am I going to wear?!' and so we are going to show the other ladies how it's done at our cafe ;)
Rowan is hot and ill. I'm hoping not too ill. He managed nursery fine today, but I did give him a dose of paracetamol before going in as he seemed as though he was starting to droop. Tonight in bed I've heard him moan a few times, which isn't a good sign. Tomorrow my mother in law is supposed to be having him in the morning and taking him to school in the afternoon for me. I'm pretty sure that she will be fine keeping him at home if he's too ill for school, but I'll feel bad about it if that happens. I know that there will be no good in bringing him tomorrow though - he's rather be at his nanny's where he can lie down if he needs it.
Other than that, I think I have no worries about tomorrow, apart from maybe getting there on time, and the fact that it looks like it's going to pour down. Grrreat.
On the plus side, I get to meet up with all my fellow BF enthusiasts, and talk lots about the subject, and of course about how we have done something good with ourselves. Getting to show off the posters will be nice, as there were some crackers made by some of the groups.
Dame Donna (wish I could remember her last name) will be there, and apparently she's lovely and has done loads for our area in health care. Liam has booked the day off tomorrow to be with me, which I am super happy about. I wish we were allowed two guests so that I could bring my mum.
Kath and Rachel will be there also, and I'm especially pleased about Kath as she's left London now. I'll get to see both their little daughters as the mummies talk to the man from the press - we're gonna be in the paper I think!
So it all starts at 10am for refreshments, and finishes at 1pm when we all get to have lunch - that's quite a bit of time to fill in the middle there, I wonder what will happen, and hope it's not going to be boring! lol
Oh yes I just remembered - we will be presented with our breastfeeding 'bibles' - the super duper book that has everything you could ever want to know in it. Cool eh?
Nope, just doesn't work, does it?
It's the Graduation Ceremony for my year of Breastfeeding Peer Counsellors tomorrow and I'm nervy for more than one reason, though looking forward to it all the same.
Did I mention on here that during our course we had to design breast feeding posters? Well my group (of 3 women) kinda bliped it up there - we ended up making a poster each! Actually, I think there might have even been an extra one, damn, it would be useful to remember what it was right now...
Well one of the women, F, is lovely, but quite softly spoken, and the other in my group can't make it to the graduation tomorrow (she's gutted, the poor thing), so that means it will probably be me who has to make the presentation during the graduation tomorrow. And that means 2 - or maybe 3 - posters to present, if I assume that F will want to present her own. And there's the one that I can't even remember, so I'll have to wing it at the time I think!
I'm also kinda eeked that I'm going to make a fool of myself in some way. One worry is my fellow BFPCs will be going ultra casual, when I really want to take this opportunity to dress up and look good! I want to celebrate the fact that I've achieved something, and I'm not going to feel that I've done that if I go in jeans and a t-shirt.
Fortunately, Rebecca has just returned to the country and one of the first things she said to me was 'what am I going to wear?!' and so we are going to show the other ladies how it's done at our cafe ;)
Rowan is hot and ill. I'm hoping not too ill. He managed nursery fine today, but I did give him a dose of paracetamol before going in as he seemed as though he was starting to droop. Tonight in bed I've heard him moan a few times, which isn't a good sign. Tomorrow my mother in law is supposed to be having him in the morning and taking him to school in the afternoon for me. I'm pretty sure that she will be fine keeping him at home if he's too ill for school, but I'll feel bad about it if that happens. I know that there will be no good in bringing him tomorrow though - he's rather be at his nanny's where he can lie down if he needs it.
Other than that, I think I have no worries about tomorrow, apart from maybe getting there on time, and the fact that it looks like it's going to pour down. Grrreat.
On the plus side, I get to meet up with all my fellow BF enthusiasts, and talk lots about the subject, and of course about how we have done something good with ourselves. Getting to show off the posters will be nice, as there were some crackers made by some of the groups.
Dame Donna (wish I could remember her last name) will be there, and apparently she's lovely and has done loads for our area in health care. Liam has booked the day off tomorrow to be with me, which I am super happy about. I wish we were allowed two guests so that I could bring my mum.
Kath and Rachel will be there also, and I'm especially pleased about Kath as she's left London now. I'll get to see both their little daughters as the mummies talk to the man from the press - we're gonna be in the paper I think!
So it all starts at 10am for refreshments, and finishes at 1pm when we all get to have lunch - that's quite a bit of time to fill in the middle there, I wonder what will happen, and hope it's not going to be boring! lol
Oh yes I just remembered - we will be presented with our breastfeeding 'bibles' - the super duper book that has everything you could ever want to know in it. Cool eh?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Issues with the past rearing it's ugly head again
I must be feeling weak inside somehow today as twice at kung fu I got feeling really wrong around the men there. Unfortunate especially as there were so many men there today - the only other woman was only there for the kiddy class, so in the second hour (the main class) I was the only female.
It started with a father who regularly brings his son along to the young class. They seem like a nice family and I am normally able to chat with them ok, though if I'm honest, I do always feel something - I wish I could describe what. It just feels kind of wrong, like I can feel him looking at me and stuff. He could just be looking in my direction, it's probably all imagination, but it's me and my history really isn't it?
The second was a man I don't know, he used to be a regular but if I have ever met him it was a long time ago. I ended up next to him as we lined up to work on some moves Liam was giving us, and this man was very interested in helping me make sure I get things right. This was uncomfortable in it's self, as I'm such a newbie (he was a blue belt, so about half way to black belt) and I get confused easily, plus I take directions best from certain people who can explain them best, plus this was A MAN I DO NOT KNOW. It freaked me out.
Didn't freak me out as much as when he decided how to show me how to do a back thrust kick and grabbed my foot, almost taking me off balance and I couldn't help but notice how close he was holding my foot to his groin...
It's probably how it was supposed to be - he was being helpful and Liam was right there. I know nothing would happen anyway, but I especially know that I'm always safe with Liam around.
It's left me deflated and odd feeling ever since. I asked Liam who this man was, and he laughed. Apparently he is known for being rather over helpful in getting other people to do things correctly, so it's not just me then. I didn't mention my worries to Liam though, as I know they are all mine. I do actually understand that nothing would have happened and did understand at the time, but my mind kept racing - it seemed obvious to me that he had no idea who I was, if I was attached to anyone (I remove my rings for kung fu), least of all that I am married to his instructor. This was proven to me later on, when I was talking about Frazer and it dawned on him that Frazer was our child. I don't know - Liam would probably tell me I got this wrong; make me realise that I was over reacting. Still, I've not mentioned it anyway.
It makes me feel so odd. I know, I really know that the men that are normally at kung fu are ok. There's a good few of the regulars that I am sure would not only never have any interest in me (but then I think that of most men, fortunately - who knows what I would be like if I thought I was attractive to males out there), but that they would also be very protective of any woman in trouble.
I wonder if I would have taken to this bluebelt differently on another day... I wonder what it is about certain people - or is it all men at first? Is this the reason I hung back from joining kung fu for so long? Because I have always been so aware of my vulnerability? If there's one thing abuse as you are entering your adult years can teach you, it's that you are vulnerable, and open to attack from anywhere.
I consoled myself by really battering the pads when we were doing free contact on them after the 'foot' incident. Bluebelt seemed to think that I couldn't hit a target hard enough, because I was concentrating more on getting my limbs in the right places than the power behind them. I hope he caught a view of a few of my really hard hitting kicks, punches and elbow blows.
I hope that I could hold my own if I ever did really need to again.
.
It started with a father who regularly brings his son along to the young class. They seem like a nice family and I am normally able to chat with them ok, though if I'm honest, I do always feel something - I wish I could describe what. It just feels kind of wrong, like I can feel him looking at me and stuff. He could just be looking in my direction, it's probably all imagination, but it's me and my history really isn't it?
The second was a man I don't know, he used to be a regular but if I have ever met him it was a long time ago. I ended up next to him as we lined up to work on some moves Liam was giving us, and this man was very interested in helping me make sure I get things right. This was uncomfortable in it's self, as I'm such a newbie (he was a blue belt, so about half way to black belt) and I get confused easily, plus I take directions best from certain people who can explain them best, plus this was A MAN I DO NOT KNOW. It freaked me out.
Didn't freak me out as much as when he decided how to show me how to do a back thrust kick and grabbed my foot, almost taking me off balance and I couldn't help but notice how close he was holding my foot to his groin...
It's probably how it was supposed to be - he was being helpful and Liam was right there. I know nothing would happen anyway, but I especially know that I'm always safe with Liam around.
It's left me deflated and odd feeling ever since. I asked Liam who this man was, and he laughed. Apparently he is known for being rather over helpful in getting other people to do things correctly, so it's not just me then. I didn't mention my worries to Liam though, as I know they are all mine. I do actually understand that nothing would have happened and did understand at the time, but my mind kept racing - it seemed obvious to me that he had no idea who I was, if I was attached to anyone (I remove my rings for kung fu), least of all that I am married to his instructor. This was proven to me later on, when I was talking about Frazer and it dawned on him that Frazer was our child. I don't know - Liam would probably tell me I got this wrong; make me realise that I was over reacting. Still, I've not mentioned it anyway.
It makes me feel so odd. I know, I really know that the men that are normally at kung fu are ok. There's a good few of the regulars that I am sure would not only never have any interest in me (but then I think that of most men, fortunately - who knows what I would be like if I thought I was attractive to males out there), but that they would also be very protective of any woman in trouble.
I wonder if I would have taken to this bluebelt differently on another day... I wonder what it is about certain people - or is it all men at first? Is this the reason I hung back from joining kung fu for so long? Because I have always been so aware of my vulnerability? If there's one thing abuse as you are entering your adult years can teach you, it's that you are vulnerable, and open to attack from anywhere.
I consoled myself by really battering the pads when we were doing free contact on them after the 'foot' incident. Bluebelt seemed to think that I couldn't hit a target hard enough, because I was concentrating more on getting my limbs in the right places than the power behind them. I hope he caught a view of a few of my really hard hitting kicks, punches and elbow blows.
I hope that I could hold my own if I ever did really need to again.
.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My fingers are wrinkly
I've just done the washing up for the first time in goodness knows how long! It was odd; it's a job I hate normally, but today I found it OK. Humming along to the radio and musing over recent events. The house is quite quiet with the children all playing upstairs (they are supposed to be tidying their room, but I can hear the bathroom taps going every now and again - that'll be 'hairstyling' *sigh*) and the dog asleep, the cat sunbathing (yes - SUN!) and Liam is out at his tutorial, doing a rehearsal test in preparation of his exam soon.
I'll be pleased when the end of his course arrives, I hope we make the most of his time between this year and next. He has his exam in two week's time, which will mark the end (although I'm sure he has some reading he will still want to do) and then he will start the next part of his course early next year.
I've been missing having him around. OK, we might not do much (TV, internet, tidying up), but it's nice to just have him in the room. Sometimes he is in the room, but then I have to remember to be quiet, and not bring up sudden random conversations to pull him away from his work. I don't mind this, it's the tutorials taking up our weekends, and sometimes the evenings that I have to work at not resenting. I know how important this is, not only to him, but possibly for all of us, if he really does get a good job at the end of it. I really do believe that he can become a barrister if he puts his mind to it, and that would be fantastic for all of us, and worth the hours of study. I just like family time together, and it's already hard enough with ballet on Saturday and kung fu on Sunday.
More so now that Scarlett has extra ballet on Saturday of course (smug mummy!). She seems to be doing OK, today was her second lesson, and as Liam is at his tutorial that meant I had to take her. And as I had the boys with me, that meant I couldn't hang around to watch much.
I wish I knew what bits we could practice at home with her. I've never done ballet, never really done dance either, but I would Love to help Scarlett on her way. She was happy to be taking part - she was beaming! - and she seems to keep up well, not getting tired or bored.
This isn't the first time I've been a proud mum for her - and Frazer too actually; on Wednesday Frazer's percussion classes begun again, he does half an hour after school normally. When his time was up, I went upstairs to speak to Fran, the music teacher, as I knew she was up there talking to Leigh, the percussion teacher, and I want to get Frazer started on an instrument now that he is in the juniors.
Fran said that Frazer had never put his hand up when music was suggested to them! Trust him, my little shy boy, I'm so glad I spoke to her now. She and Leigh instantly said how well Frazer does in percussion, and suggested that he stay for the full hour from now on - starting that day! Then Fran asked why Scarlett wasn't doing percussion yet and I said it's because she's only in year one (percussion classes start year two, other music lessons from year 3) and Fran said what a shame this is, because "Scarlett is one of my wonderful pupils..." I was surprised at this! I knwo Scarlett does well academically, and socially, but I have no idea when it comes to music and PE etc.
But to better this, Fran actually asked Leigh if there was space for Scarlett in percussion! Leigh said that there is, but it's not supposed to go to a 5 year old. Fran suggested Scarlett start, but stressed that it would have to be a big secret. So here we are, teaching our child to keep things quiet already. Scarlett stayed for the second half hour of percussion with Frazer (I was surprised! Thought that would be next week) and I went to speak with Fran.
She seems to be a lovely teacher, she's so passionate about music and getting children to enjoy it all. She agrees that Frazer could do very well with an instrument - both she and Leigh were shocked but pleased when I told them that although Frazer hasn't shown any subject that he excels in, he did learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the xylophone in 2 and a half days for his class assembly!
But Fran believes that you can't just shove a child on to any old instrument - it needs to be one that they really want to learn. But having said this, the school only do certain instruments beginning in certain years. Violin is year 4, guitar is year 6 - I think it's dependant on the person teaching and how sensible the children are to learn at that age. She did say that she would look in to seeing if there's violin places available, as Frazer is sensible enough to go in to a group with older children.
They also teach Double Bass, Piano/Keyboard, Brass and a few other instruments, it's a pretty good school in that respect I think. She's also thinking of the keyboard, as he does so good in percussion and it's not far off the xylophone that he did so well with. This would also be good as we have a keyboard/electric piano here at home. But mostly, Fran has encouraged me to get out plenty of classical CDs, to take Frazer along to live performances if I can, and get him in to music as much as possible to see what kind of instrument and music appeals to him. So that is my mission for today, I've not done anything yet. We do have lots of classical CDs - Scarlett Loves them to practice her dancing!
Thursday evening was Rowan's turn to make me proud. He had been invited along to a friend's birthday at the bowling alley. Rowan LOVES bowling. He'd only been once before but even though it was about a year ago, he remembered it very well! He was so good on the night, very social, very polite, played nicely and very much enjoyed himself. We didn't get home until nearly 9pm though!
I expected him to be shattered the next day, but he was fine - then again, he had his nap at nursery on Thursday before the party! He keeps doing this, but the staff don't mind. Rowan just takes himself off to the little bed in the home corner, or the sofa in the reading area and goes to sleep - he doesn't care at all what people might think! It's quite a common occurrence now, but I don't mind, if he needs the sleep then he can get it, at least he can sleep through children playing and stuff.
It turned out that I was the tired one! My smoke alarm was playing silly buggers with us, from about 3am! Finally got it to be quiet at 4:30 - but I wasn't sure how I got it to stop beeping. It wasn't the full alarm sound, just an intermittent beeping, like it had a low battery - but it runs off the mains! I think it must be the battery though - I've done now what I was scared to do on the night and pulled the whole thing down. I was worried that if I did this it would never stop beeping! Like Phoebe in Friends...
Friday saw another appliance break. I was absolutely shattered last night and falling asleep as I loaded the dishwasher (flylady routines have gone out of the window this week) before bed, but then I couldn't shut the door.
I spent so long shifting things around in there and removing pots and pans that I ended up sitting on the floor to do it! I called Liam in eventually, and he figured out that it was actually the catch at the top of the door. We can ram the door and get it to shut, but it wont hold there. I have no idea why this should go though - we've never been hard on it, I've looked after it quite well I think, apart from never buying those cleaning products to flush the thing out. I was going to soon, as it was getting a bit grimey. I've never even pulled it out to try to figure out why it's been leaking for ages (not a huge leak) as I've been scared that I might break it!
Oh well. A big fat pants to that. Today I've been washing up, and now it's taken me so long to blog this horribly long ramble (yeah, sorry about that!), I no longer have wrinkly fingers!
.
I'll be pleased when the end of his course arrives, I hope we make the most of his time between this year and next. He has his exam in two week's time, which will mark the end (although I'm sure he has some reading he will still want to do) and then he will start the next part of his course early next year.
I've been missing having him around. OK, we might not do much (TV, internet, tidying up), but it's nice to just have him in the room. Sometimes he is in the room, but then I have to remember to be quiet, and not bring up sudden random conversations to pull him away from his work. I don't mind this, it's the tutorials taking up our weekends, and sometimes the evenings that I have to work at not resenting. I know how important this is, not only to him, but possibly for all of us, if he really does get a good job at the end of it. I really do believe that he can become a barrister if he puts his mind to it, and that would be fantastic for all of us, and worth the hours of study. I just like family time together, and it's already hard enough with ballet on Saturday and kung fu on Sunday.
More so now that Scarlett has extra ballet on Saturday of course (smug mummy!). She seems to be doing OK, today was her second lesson, and as Liam is at his tutorial that meant I had to take her. And as I had the boys with me, that meant I couldn't hang around to watch much.
I wish I knew what bits we could practice at home with her. I've never done ballet, never really done dance either, but I would Love to help Scarlett on her way. She was happy to be taking part - she was beaming! - and she seems to keep up well, not getting tired or bored.
This isn't the first time I've been a proud mum for her - and Frazer too actually; on Wednesday Frazer's percussion classes begun again, he does half an hour after school normally. When his time was up, I went upstairs to speak to Fran, the music teacher, as I knew she was up there talking to Leigh, the percussion teacher, and I want to get Frazer started on an instrument now that he is in the juniors.
Fran said that Frazer had never put his hand up when music was suggested to them! Trust him, my little shy boy, I'm so glad I spoke to her now. She and Leigh instantly said how well Frazer does in percussion, and suggested that he stay for the full hour from now on - starting that day! Then Fran asked why Scarlett wasn't doing percussion yet and I said it's because she's only in year one (percussion classes start year two, other music lessons from year 3) and Fran said what a shame this is, because "Scarlett is one of my wonderful pupils..." I was surprised at this! I knwo Scarlett does well academically, and socially, but I have no idea when it comes to music and PE etc.
But to better this, Fran actually asked Leigh if there was space for Scarlett in percussion! Leigh said that there is, but it's not supposed to go to a 5 year old. Fran suggested Scarlett start, but stressed that it would have to be a big secret. So here we are, teaching our child to keep things quiet already. Scarlett stayed for the second half hour of percussion with Frazer (I was surprised! Thought that would be next week) and I went to speak with Fran.
She seems to be a lovely teacher, she's so passionate about music and getting children to enjoy it all. She agrees that Frazer could do very well with an instrument - both she and Leigh were shocked but pleased when I told them that although Frazer hasn't shown any subject that he excels in, he did learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the xylophone in 2 and a half days for his class assembly!
But Fran believes that you can't just shove a child on to any old instrument - it needs to be one that they really want to learn. But having said this, the school only do certain instruments beginning in certain years. Violin is year 4, guitar is year 6 - I think it's dependant on the person teaching and how sensible the children are to learn at that age. She did say that she would look in to seeing if there's violin places available, as Frazer is sensible enough to go in to a group with older children.
They also teach Double Bass, Piano/Keyboard, Brass and a few other instruments, it's a pretty good school in that respect I think. She's also thinking of the keyboard, as he does so good in percussion and it's not far off the xylophone that he did so well with. This would also be good as we have a keyboard/electric piano here at home. But mostly, Fran has encouraged me to get out plenty of classical CDs, to take Frazer along to live performances if I can, and get him in to music as much as possible to see what kind of instrument and music appeals to him. So that is my mission for today, I've not done anything yet. We do have lots of classical CDs - Scarlett Loves them to practice her dancing!
Thursday evening was Rowan's turn to make me proud. He had been invited along to a friend's birthday at the bowling alley. Rowan LOVES bowling. He'd only been once before but even though it was about a year ago, he remembered it very well! He was so good on the night, very social, very polite, played nicely and very much enjoyed himself. We didn't get home until nearly 9pm though!
I expected him to be shattered the next day, but he was fine - then again, he had his nap at nursery on Thursday before the party! He keeps doing this, but the staff don't mind. Rowan just takes himself off to the little bed in the home corner, or the sofa in the reading area and goes to sleep - he doesn't care at all what people might think! It's quite a common occurrence now, but I don't mind, if he needs the sleep then he can get it, at least he can sleep through children playing and stuff.
It turned out that I was the tired one! My smoke alarm was playing silly buggers with us, from about 3am! Finally got it to be quiet at 4:30 - but I wasn't sure how I got it to stop beeping. It wasn't the full alarm sound, just an intermittent beeping, like it had a low battery - but it runs off the mains! I think it must be the battery though - I've done now what I was scared to do on the night and pulled the whole thing down. I was worried that if I did this it would never stop beeping! Like Phoebe in Friends...
Friday saw another appliance break. I was absolutely shattered last night and falling asleep as I loaded the dishwasher (flylady routines have gone out of the window this week) before bed, but then I couldn't shut the door.
I spent so long shifting things around in there and removing pots and pans that I ended up sitting on the floor to do it! I called Liam in eventually, and he figured out that it was actually the catch at the top of the door. We can ram the door and get it to shut, but it wont hold there. I have no idea why this should go though - we've never been hard on it, I've looked after it quite well I think, apart from never buying those cleaning products to flush the thing out. I was going to soon, as it was getting a bit grimey. I've never even pulled it out to try to figure out why it's been leaking for ages (not a huge leak) as I've been scared that I might break it!
Oh well. A big fat pants to that. Today I've been washing up, and now it's taken me so long to blog this horribly long ramble (yeah, sorry about that!), I no longer have wrinkly fingers!
.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Fecking policemen!
I got told off by a copper on the way home.
There's a small green space with a playground on our way home from school; we were cutting through it on our way back this afternoon, the first time with both Scarlett and Rowan on wheels (scarlett bike, Rowan scooter) and they were shooting off ahead more than they normally would.
They went right out of the gate at the end, but I could see that they slowed down as they exited- I shouted - proper bellowed after them to come back as I couldn't quite see them, but I knew they wouldn't go near the road or the fence sperarting them from it IYKWIM?
Two policemen were walking along right by Scarlett and Rowan as they reached the gate, then one turned back to call in to the park to me, telling me that my children were outside. I said I know.
He said I shouldn't let them do that really, and I said I know.
I was tempted to inform him that they've survived this long, I think I know them well enough to know when to worry, but I kept my mouth shut.
Then at the crossing I could see that this policeman kept staring at me. I don't know if he knew I could see him, as I was wearing my big sunglasses, he probably did. Anyway, then there was a break in the traffic, so him and the other copper crossed over.
I couldn't help it then. I called after him that they probably shouldn't be crossing busy roads at a red light in front of children!
He looked back and said, I didn't realise, had it changed? I said No! Then crossed as it just turned to the green man then.
Felt kinda smug, but shaky, you know what I'm like! But I've been internally ranting ever since!
You'd think the police would actually stop the children and tell them to go back to their mum really wouldn't you? Rather than try to do a telling off when you can see she's laden down with bags (the bags the kids can't carry because they are on wheels, naturally) and another child anyway. And even this part aside, they should definitely be setting an example of road safety to smalls - he thought he was so clever having a go at me, I'm quite glad I answered back!
There's a small green space with a playground on our way home from school; we were cutting through it on our way back this afternoon, the first time with both Scarlett and Rowan on wheels (scarlett bike, Rowan scooter) and they were shooting off ahead more than they normally would.
They went right out of the gate at the end, but I could see that they slowed down as they exited- I shouted - proper bellowed after them to come back as I couldn't quite see them, but I knew they wouldn't go near the road or the fence sperarting them from it IYKWIM?
Two policemen were walking along right by Scarlett and Rowan as they reached the gate, then one turned back to call in to the park to me, telling me that my children were outside. I said I know.
He said I shouldn't let them do that really, and I said I know.
I was tempted to inform him that they've survived this long, I think I know them well enough to know when to worry, but I kept my mouth shut.
Then at the crossing I could see that this policeman kept staring at me. I don't know if he knew I could see him, as I was wearing my big sunglasses, he probably did. Anyway, then there was a break in the traffic, so him and the other copper crossed over.
I couldn't help it then. I called after him that they probably shouldn't be crossing busy roads at a red light in front of children!
He looked back and said, I didn't realise, had it changed? I said No! Then crossed as it just turned to the green man then.
Felt kinda smug, but shaky, you know what I'm like! But I've been internally ranting ever since!
You'd think the police would actually stop the children and tell them to go back to their mum really wouldn't you? Rather than try to do a telling off when you can see she's laden down with bags (the bags the kids can't carry because they are on wheels, naturally) and another child anyway. And even this part aside, they should definitely be setting an example of road safety to smalls - he thought he was so clever having a go at me, I'm quite glad I answered back!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Last ditch attempt...
This time I am *going* to get some pictures up. In the right place, the right size and not taking forever! If I can't do it then I give up!
OK, well that one's there - looks pretty mad huh?
And this one is sweet, I just wish I took it a bit clearer:
Gah - no! It wont work dammit and now I look a prat. The first picture should be of the manic straw and the second should be down here, and of the pumpkin picture. Me and Scarlett had our photo taken (the boys wouldn't cooperate) and then they gave us a pack of pumpkin seeds plus photo in exchange for our comments on the day written on the back of the photo you see in my picture, which was put in their 'allotment' of comments.
OK photos and blogger. You can forget it now. Clearly I am just NOT capable of such a task.
Bloddy stupid thing *mumble mumble grumble*
Saturday afternoon...
011
Originally uploaded by shaolin1012003
OK, so Saturday we went along to the Thames Festival, and ended up at a rather bizarre straw fight on Southwark Bridge! It was loads of fun though, but I'm still picking bits out of clothes 3 days later...
OK, so I've been a crap blogger - I have my reasons!
Well, one reason, I've been sick as a sicky sick thing. Bleurgh.
Started Monday - I had a headache. Nothing big but I never need paracetamol usually and that's the first thing to go in my mouth that day. I didn't think about it after, but in the evening (at Fatty Club) I felt I had a bit of a chill, not quite right. Tuesday morning saw me awake and feeling like complete shit. I probably shouldn't have been at the toddler group that we went to, but I hung out of the way and I was in denial. That afternoon I walked (dragged myself) home just so that I could get about 40 minutes rest and pretend that I was dead for a bit.
This pattern continued for another couple of days and even at the end of the week I didn't feel quite right, you know that kind of shakiness when you know that your core just isn't as it should be, but recovering...
Anyway, I shan't moan about that anymore.
Saturday saw Scarlett starting her new dance lessons! Same place, different time. She has gone from a half an hour class to a 2 hour class! She's not supposed to go up until she is at least 6, but the teacher said that Scarlett was wasted in the little class, which is really only encouraging expressive movement, when Scarlett so obviously wants to actually learn to dance. She now does Ballet, Tap and Modern Dance, so we had to get her new shoes too, as well as forking out for almost triple what the term previously cost. Liam wasn't keen, as he barely had the money for her term at the old rate, but I want to keep Scarlett going - if she wants to follow this dream then we need to do all we can to get her there.
I'm trying to figure out the photo sharing thing now, will give it a go in a bit but have a feeling I can still only manage one pic at a time...
Started Monday - I had a headache. Nothing big but I never need paracetamol usually and that's the first thing to go in my mouth that day. I didn't think about it after, but in the evening (at Fatty Club) I felt I had a bit of a chill, not quite right. Tuesday morning saw me awake and feeling like complete shit. I probably shouldn't have been at the toddler group that we went to, but I hung out of the way and I was in denial. That afternoon I walked (dragged myself) home just so that I could get about 40 minutes rest and pretend that I was dead for a bit.
This pattern continued for another couple of days and even at the end of the week I didn't feel quite right, you know that kind of shakiness when you know that your core just isn't as it should be, but recovering...
Anyway, I shan't moan about that anymore.
Saturday saw Scarlett starting her new dance lessons! Same place, different time. She has gone from a half an hour class to a 2 hour class! She's not supposed to go up until she is at least 6, but the teacher said that Scarlett was wasted in the little class, which is really only encouraging expressive movement, when Scarlett so obviously wants to actually learn to dance. She now does Ballet, Tap and Modern Dance, so we had to get her new shoes too, as well as forking out for almost triple what the term previously cost. Liam wasn't keen, as he barely had the money for her term at the old rate, but I want to keep Scarlett going - if she wants to follow this dream then we need to do all we can to get her there.
I'm trying to figure out the photo sharing thing now, will give it a go in a bit but have a feeling I can still only manage one pic at a time...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
A Bulimic Love Song
A brownie is a hug in chocolate form,
And icecream a kiss when you're needing.
Eating until it comes back is release,
But really inside I am bleeding.
Loneliness eats at a soul 'til it's raw,
But the abscess no one would notice.
Time may heal, with love and with care,
But for now there is pastry for poultice.
Who would consciously choose Sweet over Love?
Yet how many shun attentions through fear?
How often do I crave for Lover's touch?
Though have wine wash away my tears.
When will I be found as I am, alone,
Caught in a black pit of despair?
'til then my sweet, keep me safe, keep me warm,
Chocolate will always be there.
And icecream a kiss when you're needing.
Eating until it comes back is release,
But really inside I am bleeding.
Loneliness eats at a soul 'til it's raw,
But the abscess no one would notice.
Time may heal, with love and with care,
But for now there is pastry for poultice.
Who would consciously choose Sweet over Love?
Yet how many shun attentions through fear?
How often do I crave for Lover's touch?
Though have wine wash away my tears.
When will I be found as I am, alone,
Caught in a black pit of despair?
'til then my sweet, keep me safe, keep me warm,
Chocolate will always be there.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Back to School Tomorrow
And already it's getting me down! I'm supposed to be writing about the big tattoo day, but until I can figure out how to do pictures in the blog properly I just don't want to.
I knwo that I'm not the only parent feeling the end of summer guilt - realising that all those 6 weeks(ish) of holidays have passed, and that I've done surprisingly little with my brood. It's not all my fault though, for too long they shared that awful cough, which stopped them from being able to go anywhere without unbearable whining. But I could have done more with them at home.
I had good intentions - we wrote out a great plan of action for the holidays, but somehow it never happened. I think I really need to try harder next time, drag them out even if one is vomiting, lol. I know they enjoyed themselves really, despite the shocking lack of sun, and despite our lack of money to be able to go anywhere nice.
I'm mixing this with another couple of issues, just to make me feel moodier - I'm good at that.
1) Uniform issues.
2) Social Life.
I've realised that actually, my children need a lot more uniform than I had bargained for. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm going to end up in debt buying the stuff as I'm not prepared. And I've realised that actually, I've left it far too late to buy any. Tesco have sold so much that they are already taking down their shelves to be replaced with Christmas stock. Asda is looking like a Primark from a dodgy area on a sale day - ie; clothes everywhere, out of packets and on the floor being stomped on, people barging and shoving, grabbing anything remotely the right colour, in the hope that it will be the right size.
I managed to get long socks and red shirts for Scarlett yesterday. That's as far as I got! Yesterday was supposed to be the bulk of uniforms so that I can concentrate on shoes today, lol.
But it doesn't matter anyway, I took everything out of drawers and made the children try them on, and between them Frazer and Scarlett need so much new uniform that shoes will be out of the question for now. The problem with that is that Scarlett's shoes do not fit AT ALL. I'm going to have to get her some cheap ones to tide her over until the child benefit comes in next week.
I'll be off to a shopping centre later today, praying that shoppers will be a little more well behaved than they are where I live, and thankful that Rowan has barely grown, and had to have all his uniform turned up last term anyway! I shall also be swearing, once more, that I shall be more organised next year....
And on to the social life. As I've mentioned before, it's been non-existent over the holidays. If it weren't for my children and the Internet, I might as well be a hermit on a remote island in the Pacific.
I've not been anywhere to see anyone local. There have been a couple of random meetings with online friends (that have become real life friends, I should add) but really nothing more than that. I've not taken the children to meet up with any of their friends, I've not had a phone call from anyone I know to even check on us, but then, I've not called out either. I suppose maybe we are all busy? I think I'm envious of the mums at the school again. As usual. I know (seen on facebook for one thing!) that they have been meeting up with each other, going places, each other's houses and stuff. I knwo that I was told before the holidays that I was welcome over with my lot, a couple of times before the holidays began, but it's hardly likely that I'm going to phone and ask if I can come over is it? I dunno - I'm just really quite crap at this socialising business.
I think going back to school tomorrow is compounding it all for me. I'll go in, pretending like we were only there last week. Smile and say hi, smile and say hi, etc. And ignore the conversations from everyone else of how they enjoyed meeting up on such a day, we'll have to continue it through the term at weekends, half term maybe. And asking what I've done, hearing about their holidays - Gods I'm just completely green-eyed here aren't I?!
Maybe I'll try to do my usual drop and dash with them. If it weren't for new classes and teachers, I'd be tempted to leave going in until the last minute too...
I knwo that I'm not the only parent feeling the end of summer guilt - realising that all those 6 weeks(ish) of holidays have passed, and that I've done surprisingly little with my brood. It's not all my fault though, for too long they shared that awful cough, which stopped them from being able to go anywhere without unbearable whining. But I could have done more with them at home.
I had good intentions - we wrote out a great plan of action for the holidays, but somehow it never happened. I think I really need to try harder next time, drag them out even if one is vomiting, lol. I know they enjoyed themselves really, despite the shocking lack of sun, and despite our lack of money to be able to go anywhere nice.
I'm mixing this with another couple of issues, just to make me feel moodier - I'm good at that.
1) Uniform issues.
2) Social Life.
I've realised that actually, my children need a lot more uniform than I had bargained for. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm going to end up in debt buying the stuff as I'm not prepared. And I've realised that actually, I've left it far too late to buy any. Tesco have sold so much that they are already taking down their shelves to be replaced with Christmas stock. Asda is looking like a Primark from a dodgy area on a sale day - ie; clothes everywhere, out of packets and on the floor being stomped on, people barging and shoving, grabbing anything remotely the right colour, in the hope that it will be the right size.
I managed to get long socks and red shirts for Scarlett yesterday. That's as far as I got! Yesterday was supposed to be the bulk of uniforms so that I can concentrate on shoes today, lol.
But it doesn't matter anyway, I took everything out of drawers and made the children try them on, and between them Frazer and Scarlett need so much new uniform that shoes will be out of the question for now. The problem with that is that Scarlett's shoes do not fit AT ALL. I'm going to have to get her some cheap ones to tide her over until the child benefit comes in next week.
I'll be off to a shopping centre later today, praying that shoppers will be a little more well behaved than they are where I live, and thankful that Rowan has barely grown, and had to have all his uniform turned up last term anyway! I shall also be swearing, once more, that I shall be more organised next year....
And on to the social life. As I've mentioned before, it's been non-existent over the holidays. If it weren't for my children and the Internet, I might as well be a hermit on a remote island in the Pacific.
I've not been anywhere to see anyone local. There have been a couple of random meetings with online friends (that have become real life friends, I should add) but really nothing more than that. I've not taken the children to meet up with any of their friends, I've not had a phone call from anyone I know to even check on us, but then, I've not called out either. I suppose maybe we are all busy? I think I'm envious of the mums at the school again. As usual. I know (seen on facebook for one thing!) that they have been meeting up with each other, going places, each other's houses and stuff. I knwo that I was told before the holidays that I was welcome over with my lot, a couple of times before the holidays began, but it's hardly likely that I'm going to phone and ask if I can come over is it? I dunno - I'm just really quite crap at this socialising business.
I think going back to school tomorrow is compounding it all for me. I'll go in, pretending like we were only there last week. Smile and say hi, smile and say hi, etc. And ignore the conversations from everyone else of how they enjoyed meeting up on such a day, we'll have to continue it through the term at weekends, half term maybe. And asking what I've done, hearing about their holidays - Gods I'm just completely green-eyed here aren't I?!
Maybe I'll try to do my usual drop and dash with them. If it weren't for new classes and teachers, I'd be tempted to leave going in until the last minute too...
Friday, August 29, 2008
can't sit still!
I should be in bed - got an early start in the morning!
but I'm so excited! Tomorrow is inking day! And you know what that means - tomorrow is also the day from which Liam and I can begin trying to conceive.
I want to run upstairs and get out all the baby clothes to look at, squee over them quietly, lol!
I'm debating - I reckon having unprotected sex tomorrow morning might not mean that I'm pregnant by teh time I'm getting tattooed, right? So I can chance that? Hehehehehe - I am so looking forward to this!
OK, off to get ready for tomorrow and bed now.
but I'm so excited! Tomorrow is inking day! And you know what that means - tomorrow is also the day from which Liam and I can begin trying to conceive.
I want to run upstairs and get out all the baby clothes to look at, squee over them quietly, lol!
I'm debating - I reckon having unprotected sex tomorrow morning might not mean that I'm pregnant by teh time I'm getting tattooed, right? So I can chance that? Hehehehehe - I am so looking forward to this!
OK, off to get ready for tomorrow and bed now.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Somebody save me!!!!!
From the doughnuts, those mouthwatering, sugary, delicious glazed krispy kreme doughnuts, all of them, sitting in their huge box in the kitchen... They are calling to me, really they are!
I've had two. Two, already! And I had proper dinner, not salad, which used up some syns. Chicken Risotto, with pitta breads, and cooked with an OXO cube. And I've had two bites from a third doughnut.
Damn that sister in law! LOL - Sarah is so sweet, her boyfriend is a delivery man, and often has left over trays of Krispy Kremes, which he can't leave in the truck, so they deliver them here! The kids love them, I just wish I was a lax enough mother to allow the children to eat three each all at once and fob the rest on to Liam! But even if I did, they wouldn't want them all and then I would have an even bigger problem - DOUGHNUT LEFTOVERS!
I so so so so so so so so so so so want to lose this last little bit of weight.
I'm a bit lost with what I'm doing though. My target always was 9st 5lbs, yet somewhere I've changed it to 9st 7lbs!?
I don't know which to aim for. 9st 5lbs might make my clothes fit that little bit better, but will it be such a struggle to stick with that I would be better off with 9st 7lbs?
On the other hand, if I go for 9st 7lbs, I could drop down to 9st 5lbs and be right at the lower end of my target, but then again, I know I'd rarely do that.
A compromise would be 9st 6lbs, of course...
And would those few pounds make all the difference? It might not seem to, but when I'm wearing a tighter waist, or slinky skirt, I think it does. I'm sure it does to me, anyway.
I think I'll just see how this week goes, weigh in on Monday and see what happens. I've not got big occasions this week to make me pile on pounds, just doughnuts! I am a little concerned about tattoo day, I need to make sure that I'm prepared with food, so that I don't eat crap all day.
I've had two. Two, already! And I had proper dinner, not salad, which used up some syns. Chicken Risotto, with pitta breads, and cooked with an OXO cube. And I've had two bites from a third doughnut.
Damn that sister in law! LOL - Sarah is so sweet, her boyfriend is a delivery man, and often has left over trays of Krispy Kremes, which he can't leave in the truck, so they deliver them here! The kids love them, I just wish I was a lax enough mother to allow the children to eat three each all at once and fob the rest on to Liam! But even if I did, they wouldn't want them all and then I would have an even bigger problem - DOUGHNUT LEFTOVERS!
I so so so so so so so so so so so want to lose this last little bit of weight.
I'm a bit lost with what I'm doing though. My target always was 9st 5lbs, yet somewhere I've changed it to 9st 7lbs!?
I don't know which to aim for. 9st 5lbs might make my clothes fit that little bit better, but will it be such a struggle to stick with that I would be better off with 9st 7lbs?
On the other hand, if I go for 9st 7lbs, I could drop down to 9st 5lbs and be right at the lower end of my target, but then again, I know I'd rarely do that.
A compromise would be 9st 6lbs, of course...
And would those few pounds make all the difference? It might not seem to, but when I'm wearing a tighter waist, or slinky skirt, I think it does. I'm sure it does to me, anyway.
I think I'll just see how this week goes, weigh in on Monday and see what happens. I've not got big occasions this week to make me pile on pounds, just doughnuts! I am a little concerned about tattoo day, I need to make sure that I'm prepared with food, so that I don't eat crap all day.
Getting excited now
It's Thursday at last (was convinced it was actually Thursday yesterday) and that means only two days until Saturday, and Saturday is the day I get tattooed and that means it's also the time we get to start trying for a baby.
I'm excited about everything!
Tomorrow night the children will go to stay at Pauline's (MIL) house and we'll be picking them up late on Saturday. It'll be the longest they've been away for a while, they will love it! I've asked my SIL Ashleigh to dog-sit for me, as poor Tonks will not take well to being alone so long. Liam and I are going to have to leave super early in the morning, to get from here to Paddington, and from Paddington to Cheltenham, and then find the tattooist place by 10am(ish).
Hopefully this will leave enough time for both me and Liam to be inked. I'm getting my back done, only stage one, but as it's my first, it's a big deal. It will be viney leaves like ivy, with roses and bluebells, curving slightly around my back as it will create half a frame for my finished piece. I'm not exactly sure where on my back it will be yet, or how big, that's to be worked out on Saturday.
Liam is getting his belly re-done. He has a dragon there that was his first tattoo. I designed it by doodling one day, Liam took it along and the crappy tattooist cocked it up, plus now it's faded too. Sarah Street should hopefully do a great cover up job. She hasn't designed anything yet, but he's confident in her abilities on the day.
We are going to be there for quite some time though. The train journey alone is 3 hours long! I'm really going to need something to read, a few things to read! And food, lots of it. I have been told to take a camera, so that I can get pics of it in the process, which sounds quite cool actually, if I'm allowed in the room with Liam, and he with me. When he got his belly done I was told to stay in the waiting room, but then that's a dodgy old place, and I've not been with him for his other ones.
What do I wear though? I know Liam will be bothered about be getting my tits out - that's just like him. But I don't know what I could do, if it's on the upper part of my back. I guess I'd be lying down anyway, so pretty hidden - it's not like I want to flash these pregnancy ravaged flappers! He suggested I wear a halterneck this morning. I pointed out to him that halternecks do actually have a back to them, and besides, the only halterneck top I have is a crop one that's been hidden away for about 9 years!
I guess I just think of something I don't mind getting blood on, nothing too tight, and not a dress, because it will have to be removed.
And then comes the far bigger excitement. The baby, or the trying to make one. I've been up and down about this subject really. Recently I was down, as the day approached I realised how much Liam has on, and how I don't want to add to his stresses. I know that he doesn't particularly want to TTC, but he would rather have a baby than me be miserable, I also know that once I'm pregnant, he would be over the moon - it's just that right now he is apprehensive.
I actually think he's a lot more for the idea than I am allowing myself to believe. After, it's really not that long ago that he bought those gorgeous baby outfits, to remind me how he was actually fine, and lovely, and being the best husband and father in the world...
Right now I am up, and remembering how lovely Liam is and has been helps. This morning I bounced out of bed and as I made it I thought of how lovely it will be to snuggle up in there with my new little one. I'm feeling all mushy and happy, I just have to hope that the plans all go well now - it took over 2 years to conceive Frazer!
My last excitement is an anxious, antsy kind of thing. I got a text message from Laura today, asking about how many tickets she should book for the roller disco she is organising. I've asked Liam and he's pointed out that we don't have the money and that he thought I'd already told her! I didn't tell her! He told me not to, because we might have the money when the time comes around - gah! Why did I listen to him? Now it's going to seem like I'm just trying to get her back, by leaving it so late...
Ah well, I will have to tell her that we've just worked out train fares and cost of the tattoos and wont be able to afford to go out, hopefully I wont come across completely dodgy. I have better things to think about!
I'm excited about everything!
Tomorrow night the children will go to stay at Pauline's (MIL) house and we'll be picking them up late on Saturday. It'll be the longest they've been away for a while, they will love it! I've asked my SIL Ashleigh to dog-sit for me, as poor Tonks will not take well to being alone so long. Liam and I are going to have to leave super early in the morning, to get from here to Paddington, and from Paddington to Cheltenham, and then find the tattooist place by 10am(ish).
Hopefully this will leave enough time for both me and Liam to be inked. I'm getting my back done, only stage one, but as it's my first, it's a big deal. It will be viney leaves like ivy, with roses and bluebells, curving slightly around my back as it will create half a frame for my finished piece. I'm not exactly sure where on my back it will be yet, or how big, that's to be worked out on Saturday.
Liam is getting his belly re-done. He has a dragon there that was his first tattoo. I designed it by doodling one day, Liam took it along and the crappy tattooist cocked it up, plus now it's faded too. Sarah Street should hopefully do a great cover up job. She hasn't designed anything yet, but he's confident in her abilities on the day.
We are going to be there for quite some time though. The train journey alone is 3 hours long! I'm really going to need something to read, a few things to read! And food, lots of it. I have been told to take a camera, so that I can get pics of it in the process, which sounds quite cool actually, if I'm allowed in the room with Liam, and he with me. When he got his belly done I was told to stay in the waiting room, but then that's a dodgy old place, and I've not been with him for his other ones.
What do I wear though? I know Liam will be bothered about be getting my tits out - that's just like him. But I don't know what I could do, if it's on the upper part of my back. I guess I'd be lying down anyway, so pretty hidden - it's not like I want to flash these pregnancy ravaged flappers! He suggested I wear a halterneck this morning. I pointed out to him that halternecks do actually have a back to them, and besides, the only halterneck top I have is a crop one that's been hidden away for about 9 years!
I guess I just think of something I don't mind getting blood on, nothing too tight, and not a dress, because it will have to be removed.
And then comes the far bigger excitement. The baby, or the trying to make one. I've been up and down about this subject really. Recently I was down, as the day approached I realised how much Liam has on, and how I don't want to add to his stresses. I know that he doesn't particularly want to TTC, but he would rather have a baby than me be miserable, I also know that once I'm pregnant, he would be over the moon - it's just that right now he is apprehensive.
I actually think he's a lot more for the idea than I am allowing myself to believe. After, it's really not that long ago that he bought those gorgeous baby outfits, to remind me how he was actually fine, and lovely, and being the best husband and father in the world...
Right now I am up, and remembering how lovely Liam is and has been helps. This morning I bounced out of bed and as I made it I thought of how lovely it will be to snuggle up in there with my new little one. I'm feeling all mushy and happy, I just have to hope that the plans all go well now - it took over 2 years to conceive Frazer!
My last excitement is an anxious, antsy kind of thing. I got a text message from Laura today, asking about how many tickets she should book for the roller disco she is organising. I've asked Liam and he's pointed out that we don't have the money and that he thought I'd already told her! I didn't tell her! He told me not to, because we might have the money when the time comes around - gah! Why did I listen to him? Now it's going to seem like I'm just trying to get her back, by leaving it so late...
Ah well, I will have to tell her that we've just worked out train fares and cost of the tattoos and wont be able to afford to go out, hopefully I wont come across completely dodgy. I have better things to think about!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I got my Sun back on my Birthday
Birthday day was great!
I woke early, because of Rowan, but went back to sleep. The sun came up shining for the first time in what felt like ages and I was greeted with a hug and a kiss from Liam.
He passed me a card (made by a company called '5 dollar shake' which is *so* cool, if you like Pulp Fiction) and inside he had written that he's loved me for another year and it feels great. The children piled in then and had to put up with the boring grown-upness of me wanting to open my cards before my presents. They had made me a card each, with stickers and pom-poms all over the place, very sweet.
I then received a good sized box of Millies Cookies, which made me probably more happy than it should have, especially considering my giant one downstairs! I also found out that Liam had peeked at my blog after hearing I had a wishlist on here, as I got a pair of boots, a dress and scarf that I liked together (belt is to follow apparently) and a Wonder Woman compact mirror!
It was all very lovely, and just as lovely was getting to drink a cup of tea in bed with a box of the best cookies in the world (seriously, I would be in heaven if I found a decent recipe to match) while Liam got the children washed and dressed.
I had a text message from Sarah (SIL) asking if she and her mum could come over for 9:30 and sorry if that was too early. I said no problem and then Liam told me he was taking the children out! They had one more gift for me but they had to go collect it, I was most surprised!
So I quickly tidied up the front room and jumped in to the shower. Well - I couldn't have Pauline over in a dump house could I? even on my birthday, lol. I didn't do too much though - left things to be taken up to everyone else when they got back (It wasn't my stuff) and told them so when I heard the door open. When I got out of the shower I shouted down to the children to grab some babywipes each and clean grubby spots off the floor - they Love doing that for some reason.
I was called downstairs before I had the chance to get dressed, and you'd never guess what they had bought me. Only a blummin' great big electric guitar!!! I've not even played a guitar since I was 7, so that will be fun! But for now it's fun to hold, and occasionally pose with... As you can see above, somehow I've never been able to put pictures in the right places on my blog!
I changed in to my 80's gear - not going to the roller disco was no reason for me to waste such a cool outfit. I had a yellow Rainbow Brite t-shirt, rainbow knee high socks and armwarmers that I made (out of more socks) to match. I'd also found a rainbow belt with a strawberry clasp on Ebay, very 80's, very cool!
And shortly after, my inlaws were at the door. It was lovely have people that matter over. Pauline, Sarah and Ashleigh all gave me a hug and a card. Sarah had bought me a Britney Fantasy perfume set - I adore that scent! It's like sweeties. She also brought sweets for the children 'in case they feel left out' - lol!
Then Bryan came over and Liam's family left. Bryan hung around for quite a while. I'm not sure if he was more over for Liam (he was helping Liam out filling in a character reference form) or to see me, but he did bring a card and a cheerful mug with mum-stuff on. I think he likes the parents that me and Liam are to our children, but he makes me realise that some people out there see me as mum and just about a mum only - so it's not just my children that think that!
I cut up my delicious cookie using a pizza cutter (hehe) and we munched on it all day. I wrapped some up for the girls at Discovery Planet and took along Laura's 'Godmother' soap that I had bought at Lush the day before. Liam didn't understand why I had got her a gift, I think. But this all comes back to me not wanting to dwell on the bad stuff.
We headed for the chinese restaurant first, but it was shut! So we went to Surrey Quays, saw Laura and hung around there eating lots of fruit (I bloody spent £10 on blueberries, strawberries and grapes!) and chatting with Bryan.
When I went over to Laura, she (hesitantly?) asked me if I wanted to go to the Roller Disco with her and some people from work. I said yes, OK without really giving it much thought. She said I could come and show them the way, as they hadn't been before. Then she asked me again if I would come. A little while later she said 'So do you want to come Roller Disco? I think it could be really fun...' and I cut her off saying that I told her yes, and that she'd asked me 3 times!
Maybe she was feeling bad, I think that's possible. It's obvious that my birthday plans got completely and utterly fucked, and I have pointed out to more than one person that if I ever plan anything for my birthday again, they are to point me in the direction of my blog! And I know that she feels partly responsible.
I think it's because I knwo that she takes some responsibility that I can let it go. If she didn't care at all then it would eat at me a bit, I'm sure. But I can't be bothered devoting attention to it now.
Liam was sorely pissed off when I told him about the Roller Disco. Bryan was also invited and I think he didn't knwo what to make of that. I think he was with Liam, wondering why I would ever agree to that, after the huge let down I had so recently experienced. I'll admit that a small argument erupted over the table between me and Liam, which Bryan and the kids in between us. We did keep it low though, and I ended it ASAP.
Liam thinks that I jump every time my 'friends' (and yes, I can hear his inverted commas when he says 'friends') call, even though they do nothing for me. I pointed out that I don't jump at all. I see the opportunity for a good night out and I take it - it has nothing to do with feeling duty bound or anything, I just want to have fun. I don't expect anything back anymore though.
Bryan escaped to the hairdressers, and we made our way to the restaurant. I found out that Liam had been freaking out about my outfit, apparently I had gained more than a couple of looks over the day and he wasn't happy. He said he had spoken sharply to a couple of blokes when I was on my way to the toilets, because they had commented on me. My thinking is that bright must attract attention, because I sure wasn't showing much more skin than many women normally do in that area, but I hope I didn't upset Liam too much all the same. I enjoyed being bright though, and had fun.
The Chinese food was yummy -but we ordered far too much! I only wanted Prawn Toast and Crispy Seaweed, but I got that as a table food and ordered a main for myself. We forgot how little the kids eat, and ordered a plate for each of them, plus Liam ordered a couple more table things - I think we only got through just over half of what we ordered! Fortunately, as it is also a takeaway, they put loads in cartons for us to take home. The children were fantastically behaved while there, even Rowan who was obviously tired and feeling a little poorly. He held himself back from tantrumming at one point, which left me most impressed!
We dropped the food off at Liam's parents and went home. We were supposed to check on the allotment, but it was late at this point.
At home we got the children in to bed and I read them two chapters (normally only one) of "The Magician's Nephew", as it was my birthday and I Love that book! They went to sleep really well and were very pleased that I had a good birthday. I was glad that me and Liam weren't going out, no rushing to get ready, just relaxing.
I tried a glass of wine, but couldn't drink any more as I was so full from the dinner. I think I may have managed a bit more cookie though!
We were definitely thankful that we didn't go out later that night, as Rowan was sick after a coughing fit. I wouldn't have wanted to leave Ashleigh with that to deal with and I was glad that we were there for Rowan. Liam was tired. He went to bed and I followed him up. I wasn't really tired and didn't want to sleep though, so as soon as I thought he was asleep I got up and went downstairs to play with my guitar....
It was a good day, and I hope that all my birthdays are such relaxed fun in future. Preferably without the pain in the weeks beforehand!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Birthdays
You know what? Birthdays really show you something about your friends.
I think I need a break, from the net, from everything. I don't know why from the net as that's the only place I talk to people, it's just a shame they are so far from me, physically.
But I think I might have a break. A flounce. I might still blog, flouncers can do that, right?
I think I need a break, from the net, from everything. I don't know why from the net as that's the only place I talk to people, it's just a shame they are so far from me, physically.
But I think I might have a break. A flounce. I might still blog, flouncers can do that, right?
Monday, August 11, 2008
They say you can tell the measure of a (wo)man by his friends...
I'm thinking of becoming a recluse.
I'll start with the better stuff. I lost one and a half pounds this week. It's not my target yet - I'm one bloody pound short - but I'm trying not to be bitter about it. I did eat all those hobnobs, and have the meal, and not exercise quite as much this week, and my period started today. I think with all that combined I did pretty good.
It is a pisser that I'm so close to target though. As I am the one doing the weighing in, you should have seen how many times I jumped on those scales tonight, before I gave up! I think I might pop round my mum's on Friday. She's my SW consultant, and I really want to be at target before my birthday on Saturday. My sister in law said this wouldn't be accurate though - cheating I think she meant - I don't see how though..?
I spoke to David today, finally got through. It started off well enough, but soon degenerated in to him telling me how I'm green eyed with envy about his disability living allowance *sigh* I know where this comes from. Partly that his mother was and is so happy to have sons that get her so much extra money, and partly because when he moved out, his DLA meant that he had more money coming in than me and Liam, and still moaned constantly about how little he had. I remember pointing it out to him, but he didn't want to listen.
I told him today that if it was the case, that I gave him evil looks and sarcastic comments, then I could assure him that it would never happen again, and that money or not, I would not wish a disability on anyone, least of all my own family.
He changed subject in to how much he hates Pot, and how much influence she still has over his life. I told him that he can have my 'Toxic Parents' book to read when I'm done. He also told me that he never was missing, he was just busy, or not answering the phone. I think most of the time he ignored the phone to worry Pot, to be honest, or to annoy her. He was angry at her calling the police though.
Uncomfortable was his talking about how on a couple of occasions he has 'given her a slap' around the face. I remember this at the time, and telling him that no matter how much I despised her, I could not condone this. I reiterated that today, but he did point out that she was up in his face shouting and hitting him too, which changes things, slightly.
More uncomfortable for me, is how he is her. He'd hate me for saying it, but even over the phone I could feel it. He hates her, but he is like a carbon copy, only male.
I'm wondering how much of a fantasy world he is living in. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager he got a job on stage in a Camden nightclub. He presented other people, did a bit of stand up and sung occasionally. If you knew him, you would find it hard to believe.
Harder still to get one's head around, is how he had a long term boyfriend there, a gorgeous, muscly man from Denmark, who's surname David doesn't remember, despite having a relationship for 5 years. This man sadly died in a fire when the club burned down at some point. David said they found an engagement ring on the guy, and believe that he was going to propose. But David didn't go to the funeral, as it wasn't in this country.
The hardest thing to take on, is David's insistence that, had the club not burned away to nothing, he would be head manager by now, with a very lucrative pay deal, a country house signed over to him and a car with chauffeur.
Hhhmmmmm.....
My thinking is that if David genuinely believes this to be true, then people were rather cruelly having him on. But it's also my thinking that he has plenty of time to invent things now, and they certainly are impressive stories, stories that he has told no one else. Who knows? Maybe I am his only confidante.
He did have a lot to say, and I made sure I let him. I didn't say too much myself, but it was nice, in a way, to chat. I told him that at some point soon I would call him over for dinner, and he said he would really like that. I wanted to last Saturday, but couldn't get hold of him. This Saturday I am out for my birthday, and I wasn't sure if the weekend after is too far away for him to remember.
And so I've come back to my birthday, and here is where today's misery comes in. Sorry, but here it is.
I never had any replies, to start with. I know that people have been online, I've seen them on facebook. I asked Jenny if she could meet for a drink another day, as she is working on Saturday, but she's not responded either.
I feel really bad that I've kind of had to uninvite Ashleigh (sister in law), as she is under age, but she is really happy to babysit with popcorn and sky box office provided. I wouldn't have asked (her mum was still happy to have my lot) but I thought she might want the money and break from home.
Tonight Sarah (other SIL) told em that she couldn't make it, she's busy now - though she could have made the party, hmm? She also pointed out that she wasn't keen on the style of music - it's 80's, but it's not the singalong party crap we get on CDs now.
Then Kirsty arrived (this was at slimming club) and I asked her if she could come. I think my face must have visibly dropped when she said she couldn't, as I was so gutted. After all, it was her that convinced me to go for it. She had forgotten, and booked tickets for her and her boyfriend to go somewhere. She also said that her friend Georgina couldn't come. Kirsty pointed out that if I could change it to Friday, then maybe she could, but I just don't know if I can do that - rearrange all over again. She also said she would chat with me on facebook tonight, and though I didn't really want to, she's not been in at all anyway.
So that left me miserable. I walked home from Slimming Club literally holding back the tears. I was desperate to sob the whole way home. When I got in I held it together for Frazer to show he how he had made a morse code machine thingie on his new circuit board, and I asked him to spell out my name, before saying I had to go lie down.
So, if you can get the measure of a man by his friends, where does this leave me? For my birthday, I am going out to a roller disco, and no matter how much I can tel myself that the reason for this is to take away the stress of a party and who will show, etc, I can't help but think how it will just be me, Liam, and his friend, maybe more than one of his friends.
So actually, none of my friends, except my husband.
I feel so pathetic.
Why does no one want to be with me? I don't think that I'm too needy, though I can see it is a trap that I could easily fall in to. I am nice to people, I like similar stuff to most of them as I have varied tastes. I think I am fun, I socialise, I chat - so why does no one want to know me?
It's not just now either - I'm not just unlucky with my birthday. In fact this is exactly why I cancelled the party - and I'm glad I did now. Can you imagine it? Me and Liam, a load of food, a big cake, games prepared, drinks bought behind the bar as 'prizes' and no guests.
No on phones, texts or even emails, unless they hear I am having a crisis. Is it any wonder that I spend so much of my time online, when everything I try to do in real life fails? And don't tell me that if I got off the PC I could change things, I've tried that, many a time. My life was crap like this before I even knew of the internet.
I just don't know what is wrong with me. Everyone seems to be ok for a passing conversation. Maybe that's all I am, an acquaintance, a passing friend. I sure can be depended on, if someone needs me, if they are going out and invite me, if they want to cry or share something. But for me, it just never seems to come around.
Tonight Liam came along to comfort me when I was upset, upstairs. I got annoyed at his tone at one point - he really seemed dismissive, and almost annoyed or tired with me being upset. I quickly realised that I shouldn't have done that. Liam is all I have, being this miserable will end up being the thing that makes me lose him, if I'm not careful.
I said I'm sorry, and explained how I feel so luck y to have him, and he did pretty much confirm that he is tired with me being upset, and was actually pleased that I acknowledged that he is allowed to get moody when I do.
Later tonight, I got an email from Laura. I suppose by the time we got to email number 3 it was harder to ignore. She said that as I was insistent that I wasn't doing anything for my birthday she had made plans to stay with her cousin. Funny that. Especially as I never actually insisted that I was doing nothing, and said all along that rollerdisco was a possibility.
Oh well. I told her not to worry. She has asked since, about the time and price, but that was in my initial email anyway. I think she's just trying to be polite.
I'm trying trying trying to think of the fun we will have. Even if it's just me and Liam. If others come then good, this was the initial way I was supposed to think, but I guess 4 rejections on the first day of my period is a bit much to take.
I just can't get the question out of my head - what is it about me that repels people? And will it ever change? What am I doing wrong? Have I become Pot, in some twisted way?
I really need to get to bed. I think maybe I need a break too.
.
I'll start with the better stuff. I lost one and a half pounds this week. It's not my target yet - I'm one bloody pound short - but I'm trying not to be bitter about it. I did eat all those hobnobs, and have the meal, and not exercise quite as much this week, and my period started today. I think with all that combined I did pretty good.
It is a pisser that I'm so close to target though. As I am the one doing the weighing in, you should have seen how many times I jumped on those scales tonight, before I gave up! I think I might pop round my mum's on Friday. She's my SW consultant, and I really want to be at target before my birthday on Saturday. My sister in law said this wouldn't be accurate though - cheating I think she meant - I don't see how though..?
I spoke to David today, finally got through. It started off well enough, but soon degenerated in to him telling me how I'm green eyed with envy about his disability living allowance *sigh* I know where this comes from. Partly that his mother was and is so happy to have sons that get her so much extra money, and partly because when he moved out, his DLA meant that he had more money coming in than me and Liam, and still moaned constantly about how little he had. I remember pointing it out to him, but he didn't want to listen.
I told him today that if it was the case, that I gave him evil looks and sarcastic comments, then I could assure him that it would never happen again, and that money or not, I would not wish a disability on anyone, least of all my own family.
He changed subject in to how much he hates Pot, and how much influence she still has over his life. I told him that he can have my 'Toxic Parents' book to read when I'm done. He also told me that he never was missing, he was just busy, or not answering the phone. I think most of the time he ignored the phone to worry Pot, to be honest, or to annoy her. He was angry at her calling the police though.
Uncomfortable was his talking about how on a couple of occasions he has 'given her a slap' around the face. I remember this at the time, and telling him that no matter how much I despised her, I could not condone this. I reiterated that today, but he did point out that she was up in his face shouting and hitting him too, which changes things, slightly.
More uncomfortable for me, is how he is her. He'd hate me for saying it, but even over the phone I could feel it. He hates her, but he is like a carbon copy, only male.
I'm wondering how much of a fantasy world he is living in. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager he got a job on stage in a Camden nightclub. He presented other people, did a bit of stand up and sung occasionally. If you knew him, you would find it hard to believe.
Harder still to get one's head around, is how he had a long term boyfriend there, a gorgeous, muscly man from Denmark, who's surname David doesn't remember, despite having a relationship for 5 years. This man sadly died in a fire when the club burned down at some point. David said they found an engagement ring on the guy, and believe that he was going to propose. But David didn't go to the funeral, as it wasn't in this country.
The hardest thing to take on, is David's insistence that, had the club not burned away to nothing, he would be head manager by now, with a very lucrative pay deal, a country house signed over to him and a car with chauffeur.
Hhhmmmmm.....
My thinking is that if David genuinely believes this to be true, then people were rather cruelly having him on. But it's also my thinking that he has plenty of time to invent things now, and they certainly are impressive stories, stories that he has told no one else. Who knows? Maybe I am his only confidante.
He did have a lot to say, and I made sure I let him. I didn't say too much myself, but it was nice, in a way, to chat. I told him that at some point soon I would call him over for dinner, and he said he would really like that. I wanted to last Saturday, but couldn't get hold of him. This Saturday I am out for my birthday, and I wasn't sure if the weekend after is too far away for him to remember.
And so I've come back to my birthday, and here is where today's misery comes in. Sorry, but here it is.
I never had any replies, to start with. I know that people have been online, I've seen them on facebook. I asked Jenny if she could meet for a drink another day, as she is working on Saturday, but she's not responded either.
I feel really bad that I've kind of had to uninvite Ashleigh (sister in law), as she is under age, but she is really happy to babysit with popcorn and sky box office provided. I wouldn't have asked (her mum was still happy to have my lot) but I thought she might want the money and break from home.
Tonight Sarah (other SIL) told em that she couldn't make it, she's busy now - though she could have made the party, hmm? She also pointed out that she wasn't keen on the style of music - it's 80's, but it's not the singalong party crap we get on CDs now.
Then Kirsty arrived (this was at slimming club) and I asked her if she could come. I think my face must have visibly dropped when she said she couldn't, as I was so gutted. After all, it was her that convinced me to go for it. She had forgotten, and booked tickets for her and her boyfriend to go somewhere. She also said that her friend Georgina couldn't come. Kirsty pointed out that if I could change it to Friday, then maybe she could, but I just don't know if I can do that - rearrange all over again. She also said she would chat with me on facebook tonight, and though I didn't really want to, she's not been in at all anyway.
So that left me miserable. I walked home from Slimming Club literally holding back the tears. I was desperate to sob the whole way home. When I got in I held it together for Frazer to show he how he had made a morse code machine thingie on his new circuit board, and I asked him to spell out my name, before saying I had to go lie down.
So, if you can get the measure of a man by his friends, where does this leave me? For my birthday, I am going out to a roller disco, and no matter how much I can tel myself that the reason for this is to take away the stress of a party and who will show, etc, I can't help but think how it will just be me, Liam, and his friend, maybe more than one of his friends.
So actually, none of my friends, except my husband.
I feel so pathetic.
Why does no one want to be with me? I don't think that I'm too needy, though I can see it is a trap that I could easily fall in to. I am nice to people, I like similar stuff to most of them as I have varied tastes. I think I am fun, I socialise, I chat - so why does no one want to know me?
It's not just now either - I'm not just unlucky with my birthday. In fact this is exactly why I cancelled the party - and I'm glad I did now. Can you imagine it? Me and Liam, a load of food, a big cake, games prepared, drinks bought behind the bar as 'prizes' and no guests.
No on phones, texts or even emails, unless they hear I am having a crisis. Is it any wonder that I spend so much of my time online, when everything I try to do in real life fails? And don't tell me that if I got off the PC I could change things, I've tried that, many a time. My life was crap like this before I even knew of the internet.
I just don't know what is wrong with me. Everyone seems to be ok for a passing conversation. Maybe that's all I am, an acquaintance, a passing friend. I sure can be depended on, if someone needs me, if they are going out and invite me, if they want to cry or share something. But for me, it just never seems to come around.
Tonight Liam came along to comfort me when I was upset, upstairs. I got annoyed at his tone at one point - he really seemed dismissive, and almost annoyed or tired with me being upset. I quickly realised that I shouldn't have done that. Liam is all I have, being this miserable will end up being the thing that makes me lose him, if I'm not careful.
I said I'm sorry, and explained how I feel so luck y to have him, and he did pretty much confirm that he is tired with me being upset, and was actually pleased that I acknowledged that he is allowed to get moody when I do.
Later tonight, I got an email from Laura. I suppose by the time we got to email number 3 it was harder to ignore. She said that as I was insistent that I wasn't doing anything for my birthday she had made plans to stay with her cousin. Funny that. Especially as I never actually insisted that I was doing nothing, and said all along that rollerdisco was a possibility.
Oh well. I told her not to worry. She has asked since, about the time and price, but that was in my initial email anyway. I think she's just trying to be polite.
I'm trying trying trying to think of the fun we will have. Even if it's just me and Liam. If others come then good, this was the initial way I was supposed to think, but I guess 4 rejections on the first day of my period is a bit much to take.
I just can't get the question out of my head - what is it about me that repels people? And will it ever change? What am I doing wrong? Have I become Pot, in some twisted way?
I really need to get to bed. I think maybe I need a break too.
.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Recovery
I've spent the past few days getting over the meeting that didn't go so well, and having to explain it out a few times. Being quite an open person does mean that people will ask after me when an event has happened, it can be draining but it's lovely to know that people care.
I've still not managed to get through to David, I've phoned a few times now. He's kinda notorious for this though, which is why I wonder if he ever did go missing. I'm very curious about this one, as my granddad was so vague.
My mouth is in a terrible state, I think it must be down to stress. I get ulcers when I am anxious, or if I'm really run down. This week I only have one ulcer (I think) but the ridge all around the roof of my mouth is awful, like it's been burned on hot food or something. It's so painful to eat, even to talk for the past few days. This evening I was able to read to the children, but I hadn't been able to for about 2 or 3 days at bedtimes. I just want it to go, if it doesn't soon I shall have to resort to sucking baby mush through a straw!
I am trying to prepare for my birthday, and panicking a little. I closed the events page on facebook, with a message to tell people that it's not going to happen. I think that many of them know why I was so stressed out, so hopefully understand that organising a party on top would be too much. Kirsty and Liam have convinced me that I still deserve some fun, so fun I shall have! We are going to the Roller Disco, and I have invited everyone that I asked to the party, plus some more that I didn't get the chance to invite before. Funny how few replies I've had though :( I'm wondering if I'm just 1) that unpopular, 2) unlucky, or 3) over paranoid with high expectations.
Anyway, me and Liam will be there and this is why I decided to go for it. Even if no one shows we can have a good night! Kirsty is coming, and probably her friends Georgina, Liam's friend Bryan is coming and probably bringing friends too.
I suppose all I really need to do is arrange meeting time and look for clothes that will go with my Rainbow Brite inspired look! I'm not going for full on costume (I don't have the hair for one thing; it's purple-black) but will wear my Rainbow Brite T-shirt, plus I have rainbow socks... Ebay is looking friendly to me right now.
I've been getting paranoid about my weight this week. It's really probably the last thing I should be thinking about but I can't help it. I gobbled the best part of a pack of hobnobs on Tuesday, and most of a pack of chocolate hobnobs, which is even worse! Then there was dinner out with Liam, sooo yummy though. I suppose I need to bear in mind that even if I do gain weight or not lose much - I enjoyed getting there!
I just really want to be at my target this week. I am so tired of always struggling along. After the binge on Tuesday, I have been good, I've not had any syns, and still loads of fruit and veg. I've not exercised as much as last week though, and I've had more carbs and meat this week. Plus - maybe worst of all - I'm due my period. Bum.
The good news though, is that I went to Asda today, with every intention of buying some constipation relief tablets with the shopping I needed to buy. But I didn't. I had a real struggle in the aisle, I picked them up and walked with them and everything, but I put them back.
I've run out at home, you see, but I'm trying to stop anyway. Somehow I can kid myself that Anorexia is bad, Bulimia is bad, but tablets, they're ok, because I'm still eating. I kid myself further, because I don't over use them - meaning I don't take more than the recommended dose. But really, I don't need them at all.
I'm trying to realise that I'm not just saving myself from stomach cramps, but that also they are not needed. I'm just panicking about getting weighed tomorrow, and panic shouldn't lead to silly ideas that might not even work anyway. The idea was just a boost, I suppose. But I didn't go there, and weird as it may sound, I'm really quite pleased with myself about that. Even if I don't lose that final 2lbs.
.
I've still not managed to get through to David, I've phoned a few times now. He's kinda notorious for this though, which is why I wonder if he ever did go missing. I'm very curious about this one, as my granddad was so vague.
My mouth is in a terrible state, I think it must be down to stress. I get ulcers when I am anxious, or if I'm really run down. This week I only have one ulcer (I think) but the ridge all around the roof of my mouth is awful, like it's been burned on hot food or something. It's so painful to eat, even to talk for the past few days. This evening I was able to read to the children, but I hadn't been able to for about 2 or 3 days at bedtimes. I just want it to go, if it doesn't soon I shall have to resort to sucking baby mush through a straw!
I am trying to prepare for my birthday, and panicking a little. I closed the events page on facebook, with a message to tell people that it's not going to happen. I think that many of them know why I was so stressed out, so hopefully understand that organising a party on top would be too much. Kirsty and Liam have convinced me that I still deserve some fun, so fun I shall have! We are going to the Roller Disco, and I have invited everyone that I asked to the party, plus some more that I didn't get the chance to invite before. Funny how few replies I've had though :( I'm wondering if I'm just 1) that unpopular, 2) unlucky, or 3) over paranoid with high expectations.
Anyway, me and Liam will be there and this is why I decided to go for it. Even if no one shows we can have a good night! Kirsty is coming, and probably her friends Georgina, Liam's friend Bryan is coming and probably bringing friends too.
I suppose all I really need to do is arrange meeting time and look for clothes that will go with my Rainbow Brite inspired look! I'm not going for full on costume (I don't have the hair for one thing; it's purple-black) but will wear my Rainbow Brite T-shirt, plus I have rainbow socks... Ebay is looking friendly to me right now.
I've been getting paranoid about my weight this week. It's really probably the last thing I should be thinking about but I can't help it. I gobbled the best part of a pack of hobnobs on Tuesday, and most of a pack of chocolate hobnobs, which is even worse! Then there was dinner out with Liam, sooo yummy though. I suppose I need to bear in mind that even if I do gain weight or not lose much - I enjoyed getting there!
I just really want to be at my target this week. I am so tired of always struggling along. After the binge on Tuesday, I have been good, I've not had any syns, and still loads of fruit and veg. I've not exercised as much as last week though, and I've had more carbs and meat this week. Plus - maybe worst of all - I'm due my period. Bum.
The good news though, is that I went to Asda today, with every intention of buying some constipation relief tablets with the shopping I needed to buy. But I didn't. I had a real struggle in the aisle, I picked them up and walked with them and everything, but I put them back.
I've run out at home, you see, but I'm trying to stop anyway. Somehow I can kid myself that Anorexia is bad, Bulimia is bad, but tablets, they're ok, because I'm still eating. I kid myself further, because I don't over use them - meaning I don't take more than the recommended dose. But really, I don't need them at all.
I'm trying to realise that I'm not just saving myself from stomach cramps, but that also they are not needed. I'm just panicking about getting weighed tomorrow, and panic shouldn't lead to silly ideas that might not even work anyway. The idea was just a boost, I suppose. But I didn't go there, and weird as it may sound, I'm really quite pleased with myself about that. Even if I don't lose that final 2lbs.
.
Friday, August 8, 2008
The meeting happened today
I'm sorry people, I should have replied earlier.
Do you know what I mean by saying that I felt I could reply to mundane messages, but this would actually take some emotional investment, so I put it off?
Well, we went along, we were late, and we planned to take the children swimming afterwards - we haven't taken them swimming since on our honeymoon 2 years ago, so it was good to have something fun planned.
As we approached the bandstand I could see them: my granddad and my cousin Mez. No David. My thoughts instantly turned to debating whether I should just walk away at that point, and Liam asked me if I wanted to, but I said no, in case my brother had gone to the toilets or something.
But he hadn't - he wasn't there.
Mez told me that it might be because he was anxious or something. I couldn't help but wonder if they had planned this - whether David was ever asked at all. I got his number and address from them and then all I wanted to do was leave, but I couldn't - it was so hard! I don't know why, politeness I guess; they knew that I had planned to meet them at least long enough for a chat with David, so I felt I couldn't walk away.
I could barely talk to them and made absolutely very little eye contact with either of them. The hug hello was strained, and only because they hugged me rather than the other way around, IYKWIM? They kind of followed us and the kids to the duck pond and then we said that we needed to get off to the swimming pool.
As it turned out the pool was closed for renovations so two crap things, then the children were brats at home so unable to do the baking and film treat that we promised to replace swimming. Today didn't go to plan at all.
We had a message on the phone when we got home from my brother. He said that he had got very delayed on the train and that he was very sorry to have not been able to make it today. He asked me to call back, which I have done but there's been no answer so far. At least I know that they didn't plot all this against me today, but I could still feel the huge discomfort from them, at my complete lack of socialising (Liam spoke more than me) and from Liam's presence, he's always made them uncomfortable. Probably because they know he'd defend me to the death I think. Shows them up for everything they are not.
I'm hoping to get through to David and ask him over for dinner, alone. I'm taking the fact that he left a message to be a promising thing, and that he's more than able to come over for a chat without a cousin or someone tagging along.
I've been thinking about family issues more today. Part prompted by this I think, and part prompted by my reading the introduction to the 'Toxic Parents' book that a friend recommended. I've noticed how they never once visited me when I was in foster care, how they shunned my foster family, and have even avoided my children's Thanks Giving Ceremonies, and my wedding, because of the foster family that took me in.
Hey - it is NOT my fault, or that of my foster - now adopted - family, that I had an inadequate parent. It's not my fault that I was raped, that she thinks it was ok, and it's not my fault that I was put on the at risk register and needed to go to another home. But their actions all along made me feel, on some hidden level I think, that I was to blame. I was almost disassociated from by them, and to this day they take side with the woman that caused it all, even though they sympathise with my story, they can actually take no action - because it's easier to ignore and bury away.
I'm still refusing to play their game. I don't think that today they invited themselves along 'with David' to corner me in to an uncomfortable conversation about things I do not want to talk about. I believe that their whole intention was to get back to the old game of pretending nothing has or is happening. Because my ignoring them is not playing along with that game, is it? That's why the interest in me, they need me to meet up, converse nicely and pretend like nothing happened, because then they can be comfortable. I didn't go along with that today, I wonder how they feel now...
Oh, one more thing - my granddad spotted my 'breastmilk, accept no substitute' badge and made a joke, which my cousin followed up by saying how she'd looked at my website. I asked her which one, and found out that she meant my face book page! I guess that means she's seen all my updates on the subject then. Maybe I should just post a link on my profile to my blog page and I'd never need to point anything else out to her again!
.
Do you know what I mean by saying that I felt I could reply to mundane messages, but this would actually take some emotional investment, so I put it off?
Well, we went along, we were late, and we planned to take the children swimming afterwards - we haven't taken them swimming since on our honeymoon 2 years ago, so it was good to have something fun planned.
As we approached the bandstand I could see them: my granddad and my cousin Mez. No David. My thoughts instantly turned to debating whether I should just walk away at that point, and Liam asked me if I wanted to, but I said no, in case my brother had gone to the toilets or something.
But he hadn't - he wasn't there.
Mez told me that it might be because he was anxious or something. I couldn't help but wonder if they had planned this - whether David was ever asked at all. I got his number and address from them and then all I wanted to do was leave, but I couldn't - it was so hard! I don't know why, politeness I guess; they knew that I had planned to meet them at least long enough for a chat with David, so I felt I couldn't walk away.
I could barely talk to them and made absolutely very little eye contact with either of them. The hug hello was strained, and only because they hugged me rather than the other way around, IYKWIM? They kind of followed us and the kids to the duck pond and then we said that we needed to get off to the swimming pool.
As it turned out the pool was closed for renovations so two crap things, then the children were brats at home so unable to do the baking and film treat that we promised to replace swimming. Today didn't go to plan at all.
We had a message on the phone when we got home from my brother. He said that he had got very delayed on the train and that he was very sorry to have not been able to make it today. He asked me to call back, which I have done but there's been no answer so far. At least I know that they didn't plot all this against me today, but I could still feel the huge discomfort from them, at my complete lack of socialising (Liam spoke more than me) and from Liam's presence, he's always made them uncomfortable. Probably because they know he'd defend me to the death I think. Shows them up for everything they are not.
I'm hoping to get through to David and ask him over for dinner, alone. I'm taking the fact that he left a message to be a promising thing, and that he's more than able to come over for a chat without a cousin or someone tagging along.
I've been thinking about family issues more today. Part prompted by this I think, and part prompted by my reading the introduction to the 'Toxic Parents' book that a friend recommended. I've noticed how they never once visited me when I was in foster care, how they shunned my foster family, and have even avoided my children's Thanks Giving Ceremonies, and my wedding, because of the foster family that took me in.
Hey - it is NOT my fault, or that of my foster - now adopted - family, that I had an inadequate parent. It's not my fault that I was raped, that she thinks it was ok, and it's not my fault that I was put on the at risk register and needed to go to another home. But their actions all along made me feel, on some hidden level I think, that I was to blame. I was almost disassociated from by them, and to this day they take side with the woman that caused it all, even though they sympathise with my story, they can actually take no action - because it's easier to ignore and bury away.
I'm still refusing to play their game. I don't think that today they invited themselves along 'with David' to corner me in to an uncomfortable conversation about things I do not want to talk about. I believe that their whole intention was to get back to the old game of pretending nothing has or is happening. Because my ignoring them is not playing along with that game, is it? That's why the interest in me, they need me to meet up, converse nicely and pretend like nothing happened, because then they can be comfortable. I didn't go along with that today, I wonder how they feel now...
Oh, one more thing - my granddad spotted my 'breastmilk, accept no substitute' badge and made a joke, which my cousin followed up by saying how she'd looked at my website. I asked her which one, and found out that she meant my face book page! I guess that means she's seen all my updates on the subject then. Maybe I should just post a link on my profile to my blog page and I'd never need to point anything else out to her again!
.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Issue number one update again: families
Tomorrow is the day and they did it - I should have known they would do it and now they have.
I asked DH to text over the time we can meet in the park for tomorrow - I'm still not comfortable using my number.
I decided earlyish - 11, so then I wouldn't be worrying all day. As far I know he was sent a message back, asking if 11:30 is ok, and by the bandstand. Goodness knows why the bandstand, there's nothing in that end of the park at all! I was thinking the cafe, which is also near the duck pond and swings.
We replied ok.
Then Liam sent me an email to warn me that my granddad might be there.
This is it.
This is actually what I've been waiting for all along, but I stupidly, stupidly had hoped that it was too late for them to start doing that kind of thing. I don't want to see my granddad. He was the best person ever in my childhood and this illusion was shattered over the past few years.
I don't want to not go, say I'm sick or whatever, because 1) it will be obvious and 2) I probably wont have Liam with me next time and 3) I don't actually want to ignore David.
I was coping with meeting two - but mainly because out of everyone, David hasn't let me down at all, and Mez isn't too bad compared to the others. I wasn't happy - I only wanted to see David, but I was coping.
Now they've thrown someone else in, and not just anyone either. Liam has pointed out to me that I will be able to walk away, but they will see this as me making a fuss - it almost equates to confrontation in their eyes.
Plus I don't want to make David uncomfortable. I don't want to cause a fuss with David there. I don't want to cause a fuss with my children there. I just don't want a fuss, not yet. I am prepared to talk to another cousin, and had it planned to before all this came up. But I don't want to go along tomorrow and pretend like all is normal and nothing has happened. That's the game they want me to play - that's the game they always play. You ignore problems and eventually people stop talking about them. I don't see how I can discourage them thinking that without making a fuss. Unless my granddad gets locked indoors tomorrow, things will be uncomfortable.
I just hate this, I should have been more prepared.
I asked DH to text over the time we can meet in the park for tomorrow - I'm still not comfortable using my number.
I decided earlyish - 11, so then I wouldn't be worrying all day. As far I know he was sent a message back, asking if 11:30 is ok, and by the bandstand. Goodness knows why the bandstand, there's nothing in that end of the park at all! I was thinking the cafe, which is also near the duck pond and swings.
We replied ok.
Then Liam sent me an email to warn me that my granddad might be there.
This is it.
This is actually what I've been waiting for all along, but I stupidly, stupidly had hoped that it was too late for them to start doing that kind of thing. I don't want to see my granddad. He was the best person ever in my childhood and this illusion was shattered over the past few years.
I don't want to not go, say I'm sick or whatever, because 1) it will be obvious and 2) I probably wont have Liam with me next time and 3) I don't actually want to ignore David.
I was coping with meeting two - but mainly because out of everyone, David hasn't let me down at all, and Mez isn't too bad compared to the others. I wasn't happy - I only wanted to see David, but I was coping.
Now they've thrown someone else in, and not just anyone either. Liam has pointed out to me that I will be able to walk away, but they will see this as me making a fuss - it almost equates to confrontation in their eyes.
Plus I don't want to make David uncomfortable. I don't want to cause a fuss with David there. I don't want to cause a fuss with my children there. I just don't want a fuss, not yet. I am prepared to talk to another cousin, and had it planned to before all this came up. But I don't want to go along tomorrow and pretend like all is normal and nothing has happened. That's the game they want me to play - that's the game they always play. You ignore problems and eventually people stop talking about them. I don't see how I can discourage them thinking that without making a fuss. Unless my granddad gets locked indoors tomorrow, things will be uncomfortable.
I just hate this, I should have been more prepared.
Issue three continued: the birthday
Here's the big one.
I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.
I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.
Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.
So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.
Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.
I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.
Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?
Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.
I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.
I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.
Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.
So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.
Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.
I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.
Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?
Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.
Issue Number Four: The anniversary
This one became a bit of a non-issue, as time went by, but I'm blogging about it anyway, as it was lovely.
I was worrying because I wanted it to be special for Liam, as I knew that he would make it special for me. As it transpired, he still has not received his present (he will soon, and he knows what it is and that it will be worth waiting for - I hope!) and he had to wait until after work to even get his card! I was making him one, and needed to use pure cotton, as of course, the second anniversary is cotton.
When I woke up, one of the first things Liam did (after about an hour of cuddling me, probably trying to wake me up) was to give m my card. It is beautiful, and he always things of something wonderful to write inside.
He also spoiled me, by giving me some perfume - Gucci Rush, which comes in the ugliest bottle ever! - and some makeup. He seems to be a fan of the YSL makeup, I must admit sit is very good stuff, and the gold box probably sways me further... He also had bought some beautiful underwear for me, and a lovely dress. The dress was given to me about a week before though, with the dress he gave me for my birthday, when he was worried about sizing and my body issues.
Somehow, despite the masses of time I had available that evening, I still managed to be late in getting ready. I blame the bag and Gok Wan. Gok has shown me how to make a plain bag look super, and the dress I was wearing that night (the early birthday present one) deserved a super bag. I bought a small handbag from Claire's accessories. It was a plain black, slightly shiny material, with a small handle and a tiny bow. I used a long black satin belt and made a big bow, which I stitched in place over the tiny bow, with the 'tail' bits dangling down long. I then cut off the handle, and had a pretty clutch!
I used my new makeup, new perfume and black and white silk dress. I straightened my hair and wore it down. I used a silver necklace with a pendant I had made specially after we were married. It is a silver leaf; it's actually a copy made from a leaf in bouquet, and one of my most personally valuable pieces of jewelery now. Liam had heard me mention a leafy bracelet from Asda that I had been looking at, and he bought it for me on the way home! What a star.
I feel guilty now, as Liam forgot to bring his cuff-links home from work, and I was slightly chaste in my attitude towards him after that. He had smart trousers and a crisp white shirt, but no jacket, and he had to roll up his shirt sleeves! All of a sudden I felt over dressed, as he seemed so casual.
This is because I panic. If we were going to Pizza Hut I might just about be ok, but somewhere slightly different, like Quincey's for eg, and I'd worry that I'm over dressed! I don't go out very often and so it's all a big deal to me. The OXO tower restaurant certainly seemed like a big deal to me, it's a posh place and expensive too, central London and all those things make me nervous.
But as I said to Liam once we got there, just having a drink, or a quick walk around probably would calm me. We went for the former, and had a quick drink in the bar joined to the restaurant. In this bar I got mistaken for a singer! Which was quite nice, I assume she wasn't ugly anyway lol! I'd Love to know who it was singing there now, we just missed her.
The dinner was scrummy. We did have to wait a while, but it was a lovely place to wait! WE got moved to a window seat, which was perfect, and even the table bread was delicious and more tasty than usual! I had lobster for starters, and salmon with crispy oyster as my main. The waiter brought out a square plate before our main meal, which had beautiful chocolate writing - 'Happy Anniversary' - and some gorgeous vanilla ice cream, all compliments of the chef.
The desert was the best ever - I had an Eton Mess, which was cream, strawberries, meringue and all sorts of lovely stuff in a tall glass with some fruity sorbet on shortbread to one side and some absolutely A-star *fantastic* jammy dodgers on the other side! Well, not jammy dodgers of course, but they look just like them in shape and style, only completely melt in the mouth and divine. I'd pay good money for a box of them!
The deserts all had drinks recommended to go with them, and I chose to have mine (Liam didn't drink any alcohol all night), it was a Moet Rose Champagne, and boy was that stuff happy juice! I only drunk it slowly, and yes, the whole atmosphere of a perfect night definitely added to it, but for a good hour or two after I had cheek-ache as I had been grinning for ages like I had a hanger in my mouth!
After we had eaten and paid, we went out on to the balcony to admire the view. You can see right over the Thames, and there were a few other couples out there with the same idea. We hung around and enjoyed the moment for some time, then I offered to take a photo for a couple near us, with the cunning plan that maybe they could take one of us too. They were delighted with this idea, but looking back on it I should have asked them to take one with Liam's camera phone too, as I never know if I'll ever receive the one they took on their camera. Ah well.
We went for a walk along the river, and ended up walking all the way home. On the way we went past the Tate Modern and The Globe. I went half way over the millenium bridge (Liam doesn't like bridges and doesn't like this one AT ALL) and took a good look at the view. It was amazing - if you face one way you see the St Paul's Cathedral in all it's splendour. At night it is lit up with a slightly blue glow, and kind of looks like salvation made in to a building. If you turn to face the other way, you see the Tate Modern, which at the moment has a HUGE mural, one picture, the one that catches your eye instantly, is of a young black man, holding a gun right in your face. It's a very emotive picture, and it kind of captures a lot of worries of those living in London at the moment. It seemed so poignant to have the two extremes on either end of the bridge, and all this passing water below.
That bridge is magnificent, I've never been on it before so I don't know what it is like in the daytime but I know that when I stood on it the other night I felt completely in awe and very very lucky to be living in London, so close to all these landmarks. It's so beautiful.
It was lovely to walk home hand in hand, and we didn't really have far to go. It was a fantastic night and I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed anything for quite some time. Thank you Liam xx
I was worrying because I wanted it to be special for Liam, as I knew that he would make it special for me. As it transpired, he still has not received his present (he will soon, and he knows what it is and that it will be worth waiting for - I hope!) and he had to wait until after work to even get his card! I was making him one, and needed to use pure cotton, as of course, the second anniversary is cotton.
When I woke up, one of the first things Liam did (after about an hour of cuddling me, probably trying to wake me up) was to give m my card. It is beautiful, and he always things of something wonderful to write inside.
He also spoiled me, by giving me some perfume - Gucci Rush, which comes in the ugliest bottle ever! - and some makeup. He seems to be a fan of the YSL makeup, I must admit sit is very good stuff, and the gold box probably sways me further... He also had bought some beautiful underwear for me, and a lovely dress. The dress was given to me about a week before though, with the dress he gave me for my birthday, when he was worried about sizing and my body issues.
Somehow, despite the masses of time I had available that evening, I still managed to be late in getting ready. I blame the bag and Gok Wan. Gok has shown me how to make a plain bag look super, and the dress I was wearing that night (the early birthday present one) deserved a super bag. I bought a small handbag from Claire's accessories. It was a plain black, slightly shiny material, with a small handle and a tiny bow. I used a long black satin belt and made a big bow, which I stitched in place over the tiny bow, with the 'tail' bits dangling down long. I then cut off the handle, and had a pretty clutch!
I used my new makeup, new perfume and black and white silk dress. I straightened my hair and wore it down. I used a silver necklace with a pendant I had made specially after we were married. It is a silver leaf; it's actually a copy made from a leaf in bouquet, and one of my most personally valuable pieces of jewelery now. Liam had heard me mention a leafy bracelet from Asda that I had been looking at, and he bought it for me on the way home! What a star.
I feel guilty now, as Liam forgot to bring his cuff-links home from work, and I was slightly chaste in my attitude towards him after that. He had smart trousers and a crisp white shirt, but no jacket, and he had to roll up his shirt sleeves! All of a sudden I felt over dressed, as he seemed so casual.
This is because I panic. If we were going to Pizza Hut I might just about be ok, but somewhere slightly different, like Quincey's for eg, and I'd worry that I'm over dressed! I don't go out very often and so it's all a big deal to me. The OXO tower restaurant certainly seemed like a big deal to me, it's a posh place and expensive too, central London and all those things make me nervous.
But as I said to Liam once we got there, just having a drink, or a quick walk around probably would calm me. We went for the former, and had a quick drink in the bar joined to the restaurant. In this bar I got mistaken for a singer! Which was quite nice, I assume she wasn't ugly anyway lol! I'd Love to know who it was singing there now, we just missed her.
The dinner was scrummy. We did have to wait a while, but it was a lovely place to wait! WE got moved to a window seat, which was perfect, and even the table bread was delicious and more tasty than usual! I had lobster for starters, and salmon with crispy oyster as my main. The waiter brought out a square plate before our main meal, which had beautiful chocolate writing - 'Happy Anniversary' - and some gorgeous vanilla ice cream, all compliments of the chef.
The desert was the best ever - I had an Eton Mess, which was cream, strawberries, meringue and all sorts of lovely stuff in a tall glass with some fruity sorbet on shortbread to one side and some absolutely A-star *fantastic* jammy dodgers on the other side! Well, not jammy dodgers of course, but they look just like them in shape and style, only completely melt in the mouth and divine. I'd pay good money for a box of them!
The deserts all had drinks recommended to go with them, and I chose to have mine (Liam didn't drink any alcohol all night), it was a Moet Rose Champagne, and boy was that stuff happy juice! I only drunk it slowly, and yes, the whole atmosphere of a perfect night definitely added to it, but for a good hour or two after I had cheek-ache as I had been grinning for ages like I had a hanger in my mouth!
After we had eaten and paid, we went out on to the balcony to admire the view. You can see right over the Thames, and there were a few other couples out there with the same idea. We hung around and enjoyed the moment for some time, then I offered to take a photo for a couple near us, with the cunning plan that maybe they could take one of us too. They were delighted with this idea, but looking back on it I should have asked them to take one with Liam's camera phone too, as I never know if I'll ever receive the one they took on their camera. Ah well.
We went for a walk along the river, and ended up walking all the way home. On the way we went past the Tate Modern and The Globe. I went half way over the millenium bridge (Liam doesn't like bridges and doesn't like this one AT ALL) and took a good look at the view. It was amazing - if you face one way you see the St Paul's Cathedral in all it's splendour. At night it is lit up with a slightly blue glow, and kind of looks like salvation made in to a building. If you turn to face the other way, you see the Tate Modern, which at the moment has a HUGE mural, one picture, the one that catches your eye instantly, is of a young black man, holding a gun right in your face. It's a very emotive picture, and it kind of captures a lot of worries of those living in London at the moment. It seemed so poignant to have the two extremes on either end of the bridge, and all this passing water below.
That bridge is magnificent, I've never been on it before so I don't know what it is like in the daytime but I know that when I stood on it the other night I felt completely in awe and very very lucky to be living in London, so close to all these landmarks. It's so beautiful.
It was lovely to walk home hand in hand, and we didn't really have far to go. It was a fantastic night and I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed anything for quite some time. Thank you Liam xx
Monday, August 4, 2008
Issue Number three: The Birthday
It was my friend Laura's birthday yesterday, and on Friday some friends and I were out with her at the pub for drinks and a meal. While there I thought (as I often do) about how she is 2 weeks older than me, so as a result, ever since being children, she had the party/night out and I went along and was happy with that, but maybe it would be nice to do something myself...?
So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)
The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.
I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?
But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?
I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.
I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?
I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?
OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...
I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!
What else?!?!
So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)
The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.
I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?
But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?
I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.
I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?
I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?
OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...
I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!
What else?!?!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Issue number two: My Body
So I've been plodding along ok recently, in regards to how I look.
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
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