Issues with the past rearing it's ugly head again

I must be feeling weak inside somehow today as twice at kung fu I got feeling really wrong around the men there. Unfortunate especially as there were so many men there today - the only other woman was only there for the kiddy class, so in the second hour (the main class) I was the only female.
It started with a father who regularly brings his son along to the young class. They seem like a nice family and I am normally able to chat with them ok, though if I'm honest, I do always feel something - I wish I could describe what. It just feels kind of wrong, like I can feel him looking at me and stuff. He could just be looking in my direction, it's probably all imagination, but it's me and my history really isn't it?

The second was a man I don't know, he used to be a regular but if I have ever met him it was a long time ago. I ended up next to him as we lined up to work on some moves Liam was giving us, and this man was very interested in helping me make sure I get things right. This was uncomfortable in it's self, as I'm such a newbie (he was a blue belt, so about half way to black belt) and I get confused easily, plus I take directions best from certain people who can explain them best, plus this was A MAN I DO NOT KNOW. It freaked me out.
Didn't freak me out as much as when he decided how to show me how to do a back thrust kick and grabbed my foot, almost taking me off balance and I couldn't help but notice how close he was holding my foot to his groin...
It's probably how it was supposed to be - he was being helpful and Liam was right there. I know nothing would happen anyway, but I especially know that I'm always safe with Liam around.

It's left me deflated and odd feeling ever since. I asked Liam who this man was, and he laughed. Apparently he is known for being rather over helpful in getting other people to do things correctly, so it's not just me then. I didn't mention my worries to Liam though, as I know they are all mine. I do actually understand that nothing would have happened and did understand at the time, but my mind kept racing - it seemed obvious to me that he had no idea who I was, if I was attached to anyone (I remove my rings for kung fu), least of all that I am married to his instructor. This was proven to me later on, when I was talking about Frazer and it dawned on him that Frazer was our child. I don't know - Liam would probably tell me I got this wrong; make me realise that I was over reacting. Still, I've not mentioned it anyway.

It makes me feel so odd. I know, I really know that the men that are normally at kung fu are ok. There's a good few of the regulars that I am sure would not only never have any interest in me (but then I think that of most men, fortunately - who knows what I would be like if I thought I was attractive to males out there), but that they would also be very protective of any woman in trouble.
I wonder if I would have taken to this bluebelt differently on another day... I wonder what it is about certain people - or is it all men at first? Is this the reason I hung back from joining kung fu for so long? Because I have always been so aware of my vulnerability? If there's one thing abuse as you are entering your adult years can teach you, it's that you are vulnerable, and open to attack from anywhere.
I consoled myself by really battering the pads when we were doing free contact on them after the 'foot' incident. Bluebelt seemed to think that I couldn't hit a target hard enough, because I was concentrating more on getting my limbs in the right places than the power behind them. I hope he caught a view of a few of my really hard hitting kicks, punches and elbow blows.

I hope that I could hold my own if I ever did really need to again.



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