fecking lost a whole blog i had typed out. No idea how it happened but Iw as so loved up and happy and now this fecking site has lost it for me AAGH!
and I'm blody up late when I enver needed to be, i should be fucking sleeping now but i thought I'd do this!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Oh the ups and downs of my sex life eh?
Been a bit up and down recently!
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I need to remember
Last night I was at a tutorial, and really enjoyed myself.
I wanted to give myself a reminder, because as I walked towards my bus stop with a smile in my heart, I realised that I don't need to have babies to be happy. I don't have to be pregnant or with a newborn to be complete - I can be my own person too and content with that.
Don't get me wrong, I still would Love a baby right now, and practicalities still say that now is the best time, so I am still more than over the moon to know that we will be trying soon.
But I want to remember, for when this baby is older, for when we decide that our family is complete, that I don't have to keep longing for more. I would like to reassure my future self that I can go to university, I can fill my time studying a subject that interest me, I can enjoy learning at tutorials and make friends too.
After my tutorial last night I spoke with Yvonne. She's a lovely woman, and likes me! It helped me to realise that I was without Liam, without the children, without the dog, without a baby in my belly to break the ice, and yet I can still be my own person. And I can still be liked as that person.
It made me feel good!
The tutorial was fab. I learned loads about Romantic poets, dissected a couple of old poems and took part in the class. I'm feeling all motivated for the rest of the course. I'm only a little worried about the exam at the end, simply because I'm more concerned with getting that far in the first place!
I can't wait to get my TMA02 back, I hope it's done OK.
Today is a teacher's strike day, so no school. We're not doing much as I'm determined to wait in, in case my course study materials arrive!
Monday is another day of excitement: I start my breastfeeding peer counsellor course at last!
I wanted to give myself a reminder, because as I walked towards my bus stop with a smile in my heart, I realised that I don't need to have babies to be happy. I don't have to be pregnant or with a newborn to be complete - I can be my own person too and content with that.
Don't get me wrong, I still would Love a baby right now, and practicalities still say that now is the best time, so I am still more than over the moon to know that we will be trying soon.
But I want to remember, for when this baby is older, for when we decide that our family is complete, that I don't have to keep longing for more. I would like to reassure my future self that I can go to university, I can fill my time studying a subject that interest me, I can enjoy learning at tutorials and make friends too.
After my tutorial last night I spoke with Yvonne. She's a lovely woman, and likes me! It helped me to realise that I was without Liam, without the children, without the dog, without a baby in my belly to break the ice, and yet I can still be my own person. And I can still be liked as that person.
It made me feel good!
The tutorial was fab. I learned loads about Romantic poets, dissected a couple of old poems and took part in the class. I'm feeling all motivated for the rest of the course. I'm only a little worried about the exam at the end, simply because I'm more concerned with getting that far in the first place!
I can't wait to get my TMA02 back, I hope it's done OK.
Today is a teacher's strike day, so no school. We're not doing much as I'm determined to wait in, in case my course study materials arrive!
Monday is another day of excitement: I start my breastfeeding peer counsellor course at last!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Scarlett is a clever clogs
Proud
Proud of Scarlett - she taught herself how to ride a bike with no stabilisers, all by herself! A bit sad, because I think the reason is that she doesn't trust me enough to hold on to the back or help her, but I'm also trying to tell myself that it must be - at least in part - down to her wanting to assert her independence and ability.
Anyway, she Loves it, and wont stop asking to go outside on her bike now. Over 2-3 days she's taught herself to get going, keep going, brake, turn corners and is now going pretty fast and doing mini 'tricks' like taking her feet off or standing up to pedal.
Giggling
Been having a chuckle at Rowan's expense - He was rather sleepy this evening, but in a good mood still. Liam did the old trick of 'pulling off his nose', using his thumb as a fake nose - Rowan seemed to believe it! After a while he got a bit upset, and told Liam not to do it anymore. He also kept holding on to his nose once it was 'put back' - bless! He guffawed like a good'un whenever Liam 'took off' his own nose though! I have both on videos on my camera, so sweet I'm glad I captured it.
Pleased
Frazer is at last going to be going up in to the proper kung fu class - yeay! He used to be in with the adults before this kids class was started, but he used to get too silly. He wont be able to stay in with the small children once he's 7 though, so we really need to get him used to it. This Sunday just past he was with us for the children's' bit (mind you, there were no black belts so we were all together) and then he stayed behind with Liam for the grown up bit after. Hopefully we can do that for a couple of weeks before making the transition to only the older group.
Worried
I have a tutorial tomorrow, so Ashleigh will be over to babysit again. I don't have the money to pay her and I don't have bus fare. I also don't have school dinner money for Scarlett and i owe Liam a tenner - aarrgh!!!
I'm also really behind on my work, and I *hate* being behind during a tutorial. It's so much less obvious to the rest of the world if I'm behind at home by myself! The OU are re-sending my books which is good, I just hope they arrive on Thursday when I'm in, as there's a teachers' strike then.
New Gadget
Did I tell you about it? It's a Rebok itrainer thingie. Basically a cross trainer. I was gagging for something to make me feel like I stood a chance in the Race for Life, and this turned out to be it. I've used the money that's been sitting in the catalogue account for ages, after my clothes and shoes were sent back at Christmas. Liam is paying the rest - he can never resist something like this.
I've used it a few times now; on Sunday after Kung Fu I did 5K on it in just over 16 minutes - the Race for Life is 5K, so that can't be too bad. Yet somehow when I am actually running, I just can't breath...
Glad
...and dare I say it, sometimes surprised, to see the parent that Liam has become. I always knew he would be fab, but I never knew the extent to how great, because, I suppose, I never really had a good idea of what fab parenting was.
Oh blimey, that's a revelation, writing that. I had been mulling it over recently but not 'getting' why it was in my head - and that's it entirely.
I never had a father figure beyond my granddad, and I had him around about once a week when I was small, and less as I grew older. I've had an ingrained fear for as long as I can remember, that Liam will one day decide that the responsibility of parenting is too much, and bugger off like my dad did. I know he wont, but it's hard to shake.
But Liam is a good dad and more.
today he sent me a link to a website he's making, to be linked to his main kung fu page. It's 'mini Dragons' and has children's activities as well as details about kung fu. He's going to make a 'mini tigers' one too, and test run them both on our children.
OK, I know the above paragraph isn't really to do with fab parenting. The point I'm making is that seeing how he has made this page, thought about what our children would like, and more than that, he just knows what is good for children now, because he is in tune with what our lot like. I Love how close he has become to them recently, and all the more because he obviously enjoys it so much.
ETA - a big GAHHHHH!!!!
WHY am I always the last one up?! WHY have I done no studies and no exercise at all tonight?! WHY do I still have stuff like packed lunches to do?! and WHY am I still here, feeling unable to move!?
BECAUSE I am the one that bloody has so much to do all the time, and not an awful lot of help in getting it done!
BECAUSE I actually did an hour and a half of reading while out today (ate so much to keep me awake though) and am shattered after a long day - the first day back at school always wears me out too!
BECAUSE I ran around like a blue arsed fly for most of the day and evening so flumped down after clearing the kitchen (which was the last of my chores before I collapsed) and forgot all about food for tomorrow.
BECAUSE I'm tired and lonely - it's not so hard to get on with stuff if someone else is around. Not only do I have company, but I feel safer going in to the dark kitchen. I'm so tired too, but I need to get it done, as I have to be up early to walk Tonks, get home in the afternoon (because of Frazer's percussion after school) to see to her again and stay awake enough for my tutorial - oh, and make dinner!
*sob*
Proud of Scarlett - she taught herself how to ride a bike with no stabilisers, all by herself! A bit sad, because I think the reason is that she doesn't trust me enough to hold on to the back or help her, but I'm also trying to tell myself that it must be - at least in part - down to her wanting to assert her independence and ability.
Anyway, she Loves it, and wont stop asking to go outside on her bike now. Over 2-3 days she's taught herself to get going, keep going, brake, turn corners and is now going pretty fast and doing mini 'tricks' like taking her feet off or standing up to pedal.
Giggling
Been having a chuckle at Rowan's expense - He was rather sleepy this evening, but in a good mood still. Liam did the old trick of 'pulling off his nose', using his thumb as a fake nose - Rowan seemed to believe it! After a while he got a bit upset, and told Liam not to do it anymore. He also kept holding on to his nose once it was 'put back' - bless! He guffawed like a good'un whenever Liam 'took off' his own nose though! I have both on videos on my camera, so sweet I'm glad I captured it.
Pleased
Frazer is at last going to be going up in to the proper kung fu class - yeay! He used to be in with the adults before this kids class was started, but he used to get too silly. He wont be able to stay in with the small children once he's 7 though, so we really need to get him used to it. This Sunday just past he was with us for the children's' bit (mind you, there were no black belts so we were all together) and then he stayed behind with Liam for the grown up bit after. Hopefully we can do that for a couple of weeks before making the transition to only the older group.
Worried
I have a tutorial tomorrow, so Ashleigh will be over to babysit again. I don't have the money to pay her and I don't have bus fare. I also don't have school dinner money for Scarlett and i owe Liam a tenner - aarrgh!!!
I'm also really behind on my work, and I *hate* being behind during a tutorial. It's so much less obvious to the rest of the world if I'm behind at home by myself! The OU are re-sending my books which is good, I just hope they arrive on Thursday when I'm in, as there's a teachers' strike then.
New Gadget
Did I tell you about it? It's a Rebok itrainer thingie. Basically a cross trainer. I was gagging for something to make me feel like I stood a chance in the Race for Life, and this turned out to be it. I've used the money that's been sitting in the catalogue account for ages, after my clothes and shoes were sent back at Christmas. Liam is paying the rest - he can never resist something like this.
I've used it a few times now; on Sunday after Kung Fu I did 5K on it in just over 16 minutes - the Race for Life is 5K, so that can't be too bad. Yet somehow when I am actually running, I just can't breath...
Glad
...and dare I say it, sometimes surprised, to see the parent that Liam has become. I always knew he would be fab, but I never knew the extent to how great, because, I suppose, I never really had a good idea of what fab parenting was.
Oh blimey, that's a revelation, writing that. I had been mulling it over recently but not 'getting' why it was in my head - and that's it entirely.
I never had a father figure beyond my granddad, and I had him around about once a week when I was small, and less as I grew older. I've had an ingrained fear for as long as I can remember, that Liam will one day decide that the responsibility of parenting is too much, and bugger off like my dad did. I know he wont, but it's hard to shake.
But Liam is a good dad and more.
today he sent me a link to a website he's making, to be linked to his main kung fu page. It's 'mini Dragons' and has children's activities as well as details about kung fu. He's going to make a 'mini tigers' one too, and test run them both on our children.
OK, I know the above paragraph isn't really to do with fab parenting. The point I'm making is that seeing how he has made this page, thought about what our children would like, and more than that, he just knows what is good for children now, because he is in tune with what our lot like. I Love how close he has become to them recently, and all the more because he obviously enjoys it so much.
ETA - a big GAHHHHH!!!!
WHY am I always the last one up?! WHY have I done no studies and no exercise at all tonight?! WHY do I still have stuff like packed lunches to do?! and WHY am I still here, feeling unable to move!?
BECAUSE I am the one that bloody has so much to do all the time, and not an awful lot of help in getting it done!
BECAUSE I actually did an hour and a half of reading while out today (ate so much to keep me awake though) and am shattered after a long day - the first day back at school always wears me out too!
BECAUSE I ran around like a blue arsed fly for most of the day and evening so flumped down after clearing the kitchen (which was the last of my chores before I collapsed) and forgot all about food for tomorrow.
BECAUSE I'm tired and lonely - it's not so hard to get on with stuff if someone else is around. Not only do I have company, but I feel safer going in to the dark kitchen. I'm so tired too, but I need to get it done, as I have to be up early to walk Tonks, get home in the afternoon (because of Frazer's percussion after school) to see to her again and stay awake enough for my tutorial - oh, and make dinner!
*sob*
Monday, April 14, 2008
Relief
Gonna have to play catch up
Sunday
I worked at it, I slogged, I kept on going and I did it. I finished my TMA02! Liam took the children out, and I kept at it, then Liam's dad came back with them all from the park and I got back to it when he went. I can't quite believe that I did it! And I'm quietly confident that I will pass - if I managed a pass with my first one - which is even worse than I had previously thought! - then I should get a pass this time. Yes I would like a great grade, but a pass is what it's about in the end. I didn't manage to finish the bibliography until the evening after, and I always forget how deceptively long they take!
Monday
Was quiet mostly. I was feeling relieved to have finished my assignment, but obviously still had other crap hanging over my head.
We watched Skins - the last in series and it was quite upsetting. None of the main cast are back for the next series as far as I know either. Towards the end they did the '5 year test' where you take a look at your life and the lives of your friends and try to decide where you will be in 5 years time. I see Liam just starting on his next course - after plenty of work (but enjoying it mostly) he will have finished his Law Degree and be beginning his Bar vocation. Well, he tells me he might do the solicitor course rather than the barrister one, purely because he's more likely to get a job that way. I don't mind so long as he's happy (and preferably bringing home some money). He see's himself about the same, and asked me where I see myself - I said 'doing the school run' which was kinda depressing really, not least because I pictured school runs a they are now. Liam said, 'but with how many more in tow?' And at last I took the bait...
I did say, probably the same as now - because I was honestly not seeing myself with anymore, the way me and Liam have been recently. We talked a LOT - and I wont bore this blog with the details, but after a lot of talking and a lot of tears later, I knew where I stood with Liam, and it felt unstable.
We spoke some more, and when I felt we had got everything out that could be, I said what i had been holding on to. That I just simply did not know how I would or could cope if we don't have another. I didn't want to say this earlier on as I didn't want to be emotionally blackmailing him. He reacted as I expected and jumped straight in to 'well we'll have to get that coil out as soon as possible then and have a baby' but not in an enthusiastic way - in a practical, do it to save my wife's life kind of way. I had predicted as such, which is why I saved it until the last, and it was still depressing.
We spoke some more and decided that we will try for another. He isn't full of enthusiasm, but says that be probably will be when my belly starts showing.
*sigh*
I guess that's quite a man thing though isn't it? I left the conversation being hopeful, but not entirely certain, that he would be supportive, at least, not as supportive as I would like, because to be honest, he would need to be enthusiastic about the idea to be that degree of support to me.
I just don't want to do this alone, even though I know that once the baby is born I will be doing a lot without Liam's help.
Tuesday
I spent the day in a nice relaxed mood. Mostly.
As Laura had told the children that they would be staying at hers over the holidays and I hadn't yet heard anything, I was very pleased to get a text message from her asking if they could stay over that night.
I should say here that I don't fob my children off on other people wherever possible. I don't know why I have such a worry of coming across like that - I think it's because the children are always so desperate to stay at Laura's, that it can come across that I am desperate for them to stay there, if you know what I mean? It actually normally works out as more of a hassle for me than anything else - She usually can't have them until late in the evening, and wants me to take them home early the next day - she lives about a 40 minutes walk away and they stay up late, watch TV and eat junk there, so they often come home in hyperactive bad moods and fall asleep at the wrong time.
And yet I was glad! This is because after all the promises I was worried that they would be gutted going back to school with no Laura visit. So the plan is to take them to her at work, she told me she would try to shut at 5, but might not be able to right away, so I said we would be there are 5:30 - we actually were late and got there just before 6, but she didn't get out until past 6:30! And to make things worse, we weren't allowed in (it's a play zone) so we had to sit outside with 3 very bred and very hungry children, getting increasingly bored and hungry ourselves but not able to go as we had no idea when she would be out.
Well she took aaaaaaages. Which I wouldn't mind (she can't help her need to work) but I would have appreciated either a phone call in warning that she would be late, or that we were not allowed in. She didn't get out until over an hour after I said I would be there! Me and Liam then dashed to Tesco, because I was ravenous - and panicking. We had agreed to go to the clinic to get the Merina out this evening and I needed chocolate for comfort, plus high cocoa chocolate for shock/pheromones and paracetamol. I was so paranoid about the pain because I had been there before. It hurt like something awful going in!
Everything was going against us. On the way to Laura I saw a single magpie. Then Laura was so late out. Then in Tesco I found that Liam had used my bank card and left it at home, so we had minimal change with which to buy my food and painkillers, and no money to buy a drink to take the medicine with!
So we had to go home on the way to the clinic and by now it was *really* late. Liam really didn't want to go to the clinic that I was planning on (the only one that I had not had a bad experience in) as it's in a really dodgy area and it was quite dark out. So we called the other, closer clinic to see if they were open, but there was no answer. So he called the one I was planning on, to see if they knew and they said yes, and we dashed along as fast as possible.
But when we got there, we were told we were too late! The clinic didn't shut for about 20 minutes, but they don't take more people after a certain time. I almost cried while checking what time we do need to be there, for future reference. Even the fact that they had my records there didn't count apparently. They told me to try again on Thursday, but I said that wouldn't happen - that this was the first time we'd had a babysitter in months - I was really holding back tears now!
The receptionists had a bit of a debate and said I could be seen. This was kind of too much, and I don't know how I stopped myself from crying again. I was dreading a male Dr now though. but it was not. In fact, she was one of the nicest and most professional doctors I've met.
And it didn't hurt! The pain in my gut as I laid down and waited was worse than anything. She told me to cough and I did. Then I was about to ask if I needed to do it again but she said it was out! I hadn't even felt it. Then she pointed out something rather funny to us. As we had had intercourse in the past week (last night actually) there as a chance I could get pregnant, so I need to take a test in 4 weeks time. Now that would be a shocker!
We don't intend to try to conceive for another 2 months yet, so we got a wodge of condoms to bring home. This is just to let my body settle without hormones and an IUD before taking such a big leap, but if it was to happen, obviously we would be OK with that. (more than OK!)
Journey home required chocolate for the HUGE adrenalin rush and come down I was having - my teeth were chattering all the way home. And we got the most delicious ice cream on the way back - Lyle's Golden Syrup Sponge Pudding ice cream! Oh yum, the ice cream is vanilla and so soft, with cakey bits and loads of luverly golden syrup running through it. Ben and Jerry - you have a rival!
Liam was lovely, I must admit. A bit awkward feeling at times, and sometimes I got the impression that he just didn't know what to say to me, but he was nice. And has been since.
Sunday
I worked at it, I slogged, I kept on going and I did it. I finished my TMA02! Liam took the children out, and I kept at it, then Liam's dad came back with them all from the park and I got back to it when he went. I can't quite believe that I did it! And I'm quietly confident that I will pass - if I managed a pass with my first one - which is even worse than I had previously thought! - then I should get a pass this time. Yes I would like a great grade, but a pass is what it's about in the end. I didn't manage to finish the bibliography until the evening after, and I always forget how deceptively long they take!
Monday
Was quiet mostly. I was feeling relieved to have finished my assignment, but obviously still had other crap hanging over my head.
We watched Skins - the last in series and it was quite upsetting. None of the main cast are back for the next series as far as I know either. Towards the end they did the '5 year test' where you take a look at your life and the lives of your friends and try to decide where you will be in 5 years time. I see Liam just starting on his next course - after plenty of work (but enjoying it mostly) he will have finished his Law Degree and be beginning his Bar vocation. Well, he tells me he might do the solicitor course rather than the barrister one, purely because he's more likely to get a job that way. I don't mind so long as he's happy (and preferably bringing home some money). He see's himself about the same, and asked me where I see myself - I said 'doing the school run' which was kinda depressing really, not least because I pictured school runs a they are now. Liam said, 'but with how many more in tow?' And at last I took the bait...
I did say, probably the same as now - because I was honestly not seeing myself with anymore, the way me and Liam have been recently. We talked a LOT - and I wont bore this blog with the details, but after a lot of talking and a lot of tears later, I knew where I stood with Liam, and it felt unstable.
We spoke some more, and when I felt we had got everything out that could be, I said what i had been holding on to. That I just simply did not know how I would or could cope if we don't have another. I didn't want to say this earlier on as I didn't want to be emotionally blackmailing him. He reacted as I expected and jumped straight in to 'well we'll have to get that coil out as soon as possible then and have a baby' but not in an enthusiastic way - in a practical, do it to save my wife's life kind of way. I had predicted as such, which is why I saved it until the last, and it was still depressing.
We spoke some more and decided that we will try for another. He isn't full of enthusiasm, but says that be probably will be when my belly starts showing.
*sigh*
I guess that's quite a man thing though isn't it? I left the conversation being hopeful, but not entirely certain, that he would be supportive, at least, not as supportive as I would like, because to be honest, he would need to be enthusiastic about the idea to be that degree of support to me.
I just don't want to do this alone, even though I know that once the baby is born I will be doing a lot without Liam's help.
Tuesday
I spent the day in a nice relaxed mood. Mostly.
As Laura had told the children that they would be staying at hers over the holidays and I hadn't yet heard anything, I was very pleased to get a text message from her asking if they could stay over that night.
I should say here that I don't fob my children off on other people wherever possible. I don't know why I have such a worry of coming across like that - I think it's because the children are always so desperate to stay at Laura's, that it can come across that I am desperate for them to stay there, if you know what I mean? It actually normally works out as more of a hassle for me than anything else - She usually can't have them until late in the evening, and wants me to take them home early the next day - she lives about a 40 minutes walk away and they stay up late, watch TV and eat junk there, so they often come home in hyperactive bad moods and fall asleep at the wrong time.
And yet I was glad! This is because after all the promises I was worried that they would be gutted going back to school with no Laura visit. So the plan is to take them to her at work, she told me she would try to shut at 5, but might not be able to right away, so I said we would be there are 5:30 - we actually were late and got there just before 6, but she didn't get out until past 6:30! And to make things worse, we weren't allowed in (it's a play zone) so we had to sit outside with 3 very bred and very hungry children, getting increasingly bored and hungry ourselves but not able to go as we had no idea when she would be out.
Well she took aaaaaaages. Which I wouldn't mind (she can't help her need to work) but I would have appreciated either a phone call in warning that she would be late, or that we were not allowed in. She didn't get out until over an hour after I said I would be there! Me and Liam then dashed to Tesco, because I was ravenous - and panicking. We had agreed to go to the clinic to get the Merina out this evening and I needed chocolate for comfort, plus high cocoa chocolate for shock/pheromones and paracetamol. I was so paranoid about the pain because I had been there before. It hurt like something awful going in!
Everything was going against us. On the way to Laura I saw a single magpie. Then Laura was so late out. Then in Tesco I found that Liam had used my bank card and left it at home, so we had minimal change with which to buy my food and painkillers, and no money to buy a drink to take the medicine with!
So we had to go home on the way to the clinic and by now it was *really* late. Liam really didn't want to go to the clinic that I was planning on (the only one that I had not had a bad experience in) as it's in a really dodgy area and it was quite dark out. So we called the other, closer clinic to see if they were open, but there was no answer. So he called the one I was planning on, to see if they knew and they said yes, and we dashed along as fast as possible.
But when we got there, we were told we were too late! The clinic didn't shut for about 20 minutes, but they don't take more people after a certain time. I almost cried while checking what time we do need to be there, for future reference. Even the fact that they had my records there didn't count apparently. They told me to try again on Thursday, but I said that wouldn't happen - that this was the first time we'd had a babysitter in months - I was really holding back tears now!
The receptionists had a bit of a debate and said I could be seen. This was kind of too much, and I don't know how I stopped myself from crying again. I was dreading a male Dr now though. but it was not. In fact, she was one of the nicest and most professional doctors I've met.
And it didn't hurt! The pain in my gut as I laid down and waited was worse than anything. She told me to cough and I did. Then I was about to ask if I needed to do it again but she said it was out! I hadn't even felt it. Then she pointed out something rather funny to us. As we had had intercourse in the past week (last night actually) there as a chance I could get pregnant, so I need to take a test in 4 weeks time. Now that would be a shocker!
We don't intend to try to conceive for another 2 months yet, so we got a wodge of condoms to bring home. This is just to let my body settle without hormones and an IUD before taking such a big leap, but if it was to happen, obviously we would be OK with that. (more than OK!)
Journey home required chocolate for the HUGE adrenalin rush and come down I was having - my teeth were chattering all the way home. And we got the most delicious ice cream on the way back - Lyle's Golden Syrup Sponge Pudding ice cream! Oh yum, the ice cream is vanilla and so soft, with cakey bits and loads of luverly golden syrup running through it. Ben and Jerry - you have a rival!
Liam was lovely, I must admit. A bit awkward feeling at times, and sometimes I got the impression that he just didn't know what to say to me, but he was nice. And has been since.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Weak
How many times has he asked me what's wrong today? Lots.
How many times have I answered fully, and honestly? None.
How many times has he mentioned me getting the coil out etc? Twice.
How many times have I used this as a chance to get thoughts out? None.
To be fair, he's only said these things when the children are around, and it's hardly an ideal time to talk then. So that's in my defence. Then this evening he was studying so I couldn't talk then. But he has been down here since, and to be honest I'd probably have worked much better myself if I had got my thoughts out in the open first. As it is I'm stuck on work that's hard enough without all these bloody issues in my head too.
He's gone to bed now, and I'm tired, I should go. But then I lie there feeling guilty for not opening my mouth, though too worried that the argument that will follow will make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't know why I'm working myself up over this so much - he might be fine about it all. It's just such an issue that's so precious to me that I can't help thinking 'what if?' all the time. He's not spoken about it really though, since his negative outburst yesterday. Is no news really good news?
Right, that's it now. I've been up ages once again and I can't let this rule my life.
I've decided; I am going to do the usual bedtime tidyings and then if he's still awake when I go up to bed, I'm going to talk about it.
It can't make things any worse. Can it?
How many times have I answered fully, and honestly? None.
How many times has he mentioned me getting the coil out etc? Twice.
How many times have I used this as a chance to get thoughts out? None.
To be fair, he's only said these things when the children are around, and it's hardly an ideal time to talk then. So that's in my defence. Then this evening he was studying so I couldn't talk then. But he has been down here since, and to be honest I'd probably have worked much better myself if I had got my thoughts out in the open first. As it is I'm stuck on work that's hard enough without all these bloody issues in my head too.
He's gone to bed now, and I'm tired, I should go. But then I lie there feeling guilty for not opening my mouth, though too worried that the argument that will follow will make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't know why I'm working myself up over this so much - he might be fine about it all. It's just such an issue that's so precious to me that I can't help thinking 'what if?' all the time. He's not spoken about it really though, since his negative outburst yesterday. Is no news really good news?
Right, that's it now. I've been up ages once again and I can't let this rule my life.
I've decided; I am going to do the usual bedtime tidyings and then if he's still awake when I go up to bed, I'm going to talk about it.
It can't make things any worse. Can it?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Moody post
So today my world was flipped upside down.
I'm going along thinking we are having a good time; children and Liam off work, he's done planting with them, digging, baking, playing, etc, everything good and we are all happy.
Rowan has never handled school holidays well, even when he wasn't at school. This is his first holiday longer than a week since he's started and combined with the fact that he was obviously tired, obviously he got moody.
This upset Liam (it would upset anyone) and when the others started being pests too, he shouted at them. He only sent them upstairs, but as they were tired they cried noisily on the way.
Then he says to me;
'I don't know why you want children, with me being like this with the ones we already have'
It was horrible. It was all my fears of the past few weeks confirmed in one sentence. He obviously has been thinking about baby trying at some point, but only the bad stuff. The accusing tone he used blatantly said that he did not want a child at all (it came damn close to implying that he didn't want the ones we have!) and that the very idea of TTC is all my doing.
He said it to hurt too. I can tell, not just because of the way he said it, but how he watched me closely afterwards. He does that and then he asks me what's wrong, like he doesn't know. I asked him why he asked me and he said it was obvious there was something up, but said nothing more, which is pretty typical of the situation.
So why did he want to hurt me? Is it because he's been dwelling on this and waiting for a moment to lash out? Or did he not intend to hurt, but it's a thought that's been there for ages, and today he just couldn't keep it in?
Either way, I've been left wanting to cry ever since. And I've felt sick. I came close to wanting to make myself vomit actually, but resisted. You know why I resisted? Because of the baby! I've told myself for ages now, that I can't be thinking of getting pregnant if I can't stay sane enough to steer clear of self harm and eating disorders. So it's pretty crappy that I'm feeling like this over a baby related issue.
And that's it. That's the end of my crappy moan post. I don't know where I go from here to be honest.
I am quite thankful that I think Liam doesn't read this blog. I think he may have at some point but I don't think he does now. I've been honest anyway and told him that it's mainly boring stuff, although I do moan sometimes. I think he knows that if I moan about him it's with good cause, so he isn't bothered about reading that, but then I don't think I moan about him that often anyway.
Just this morning I was thinking what a fantastic husband he is. This afternoon I was so happy just to be with him, and I can't get over how lucky I am to be in such a Loving relationship with a man that so dotes on me and his children (oh, and he got me an expensive gift after his tutorial today!), when I know so many other people are stuck in relationships going nowhere but bringing them down.
Then I just feel torn apart and not sure where to go.
The most heartbreaking thing, is that when I feel down there is someone I can always rely on. I always have Liam to comfort and reassure me. His arms are always open, and his shoulder ready to cry on. He soothes me when I am down even if he can't make it better.
Yet with this I can not talk to him at all. When the person you Love and trust most of all is the one you have conflict with, it is the most miserable place your heart could ever possibly be in.
I'm going along thinking we are having a good time; children and Liam off work, he's done planting with them, digging, baking, playing, etc, everything good and we are all happy.
Rowan has never handled school holidays well, even when he wasn't at school. This is his first holiday longer than a week since he's started and combined with the fact that he was obviously tired, obviously he got moody.
This upset Liam (it would upset anyone) and when the others started being pests too, he shouted at them. He only sent them upstairs, but as they were tired they cried noisily on the way.
Then he says to me;
'I don't know why you want children, with me being like this with the ones we already have'
It was horrible. It was all my fears of the past few weeks confirmed in one sentence. He obviously has been thinking about baby trying at some point, but only the bad stuff. The accusing tone he used blatantly said that he did not want a child at all (it came damn close to implying that he didn't want the ones we have!) and that the very idea of TTC is all my doing.
He said it to hurt too. I can tell, not just because of the way he said it, but how he watched me closely afterwards. He does that and then he asks me what's wrong, like he doesn't know. I asked him why he asked me and he said it was obvious there was something up, but said nothing more, which is pretty typical of the situation.
So why did he want to hurt me? Is it because he's been dwelling on this and waiting for a moment to lash out? Or did he not intend to hurt, but it's a thought that's been there for ages, and today he just couldn't keep it in?
Either way, I've been left wanting to cry ever since. And I've felt sick. I came close to wanting to make myself vomit actually, but resisted. You know why I resisted? Because of the baby! I've told myself for ages now, that I can't be thinking of getting pregnant if I can't stay sane enough to steer clear of self harm and eating disorders. So it's pretty crappy that I'm feeling like this over a baby related issue.
And that's it. That's the end of my crappy moan post. I don't know where I go from here to be honest.
I am quite thankful that I think Liam doesn't read this blog. I think he may have at some point but I don't think he does now. I've been honest anyway and told him that it's mainly boring stuff, although I do moan sometimes. I think he knows that if I moan about him it's with good cause, so he isn't bothered about reading that, but then I don't think I moan about him that often anyway.
Just this morning I was thinking what a fantastic husband he is. This afternoon I was so happy just to be with him, and I can't get over how lucky I am to be in such a Loving relationship with a man that so dotes on me and his children (oh, and he got me an expensive gift after his tutorial today!), when I know so many other people are stuck in relationships going nowhere but bringing them down.
Then I just feel torn apart and not sure where to go.
The most heartbreaking thing, is that when I feel down there is someone I can always rely on. I always have Liam to comfort and reassure me. His arms are always open, and his shoulder ready to cry on. He soothes me when I am down even if he can't make it better.
Yet with this I can not talk to him at all. When the person you Love and trust most of all is the one you have conflict with, it is the most miserable place your heart could ever possibly be in.
Planning Frazer's Party - the beginning
I'm not even going to mention everything I've been moaning about on Piazza Pacifico (CN support forum) because it's just he same old same old and I don't want to be that miserable all the time! I will say that I've still not spoken to Liam, even though he did give me a bit of an opening (unsure whether he's read my blog or just finally clicked, I would rather the latter but all the same it's not as if he said it like he meant it, so it was probably just a coincidence.)
Frazer's Birthday
It's in 2 months - I need to get cracking! If I'm doing a party I like to leave myself about 3 months dammit, what was I thinking!? lol
I think it's because I'm so determined not to do much this time. He had a big (full class almost) party last year so is NOT having another this year. Today I heard about this; http://www.eco.co.uk/visitors/whatson/consumer/doctor-who-exhibition/
and it looks really good. It goes right up until September, so we could take Frazer for his birthday. I'm thinking of taking him there and having a mini tea party at home after, just some junk food and a Tardis cake - nothing major at all.
But then I start looking up Doctor Who party ideas (http://209.15.117.162/html/space_parties_6.html) and then I start looking at Doctor Who party products on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=380014279984&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=025)
and whoops - there I go again! Getting carried away on yet another party.
The problem is that Frazer just isn't as social as Scarlett, so I want to make an effort for him all the more. He doesn't have a best friend at school, and I'm not entirely sure how the friends he does play with are with him. I'd like to invite his closest friends from school - if it were only one or two I'd ask them along to the exhibition as well as to the party at home!
OK, been thinking about it - I've shown Frazer the pics of the exhibition that a friend has taken and he LOVES the idea. I'd like to ask Sally and her boys along - I'm thinking that two family tickets plus an extra child (from school) will probably still be less than bowling, which is what Frazer first wanted to do (then drifted off the idea).
We can then come home and eat Tardis cake and somehow force me to do the bare minimum in entertainment at home and party bags! I always go way OTT.
At school Frazer has never really had a best friend. He played a fair bit with Frankie in nursery, but drifted apart. Then Jack in year one; Jack even came to visit once and Frazer went to his house - we don't often get visitors as we don't live as close to the school as everyone else. Then Jack moved and that's it really.
He's started to play with Jack (new boy replacing the old Jack!), James and Jack from the other year 2 class. I remember his teacher suggesting the new Jack as a good friend, as he seems nice, and where he is new it gives Frazer (being so shy) a better chance to make friends. Frazer says that out of the 3, this Jack is his favourite, though still insists he has no best friend! lol Maybe we will ask this Jack along to Frazer's birthday if his mum is OK with it.
Frazer's Birthday
It's in 2 months - I need to get cracking! If I'm doing a party I like to leave myself about 3 months dammit, what was I thinking!? lol
I think it's because I'm so determined not to do much this time. He had a big (full class almost) party last year so is NOT having another this year. Today I heard about this; http://www.eco.co.uk/visitors/whatson/consumer/doctor-who-exhibition/
and it looks really good. It goes right up until September, so we could take Frazer for his birthday. I'm thinking of taking him there and having a mini tea party at home after, just some junk food and a Tardis cake - nothing major at all.
But then I start looking up Doctor Who party ideas (http://209.15.117.162/html/space_parties_6.html) and then I start looking at Doctor Who party products on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=380014279984&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=025)
and whoops - there I go again! Getting carried away on yet another party.
The problem is that Frazer just isn't as social as Scarlett, so I want to make an effort for him all the more. He doesn't have a best friend at school, and I'm not entirely sure how the friends he does play with are with him. I'd like to invite his closest friends from school - if it were only one or two I'd ask them along to the exhibition as well as to the party at home!
OK, been thinking about it - I've shown Frazer the pics of the exhibition that a friend has taken and he LOVES the idea. I'd like to ask Sally and her boys along - I'm thinking that two family tickets plus an extra child (from school) will probably still be less than bowling, which is what Frazer first wanted to do (then drifted off the idea).
We can then come home and eat Tardis cake and somehow force me to do the bare minimum in entertainment at home and party bags! I always go way OTT.
At school Frazer has never really had a best friend. He played a fair bit with Frankie in nursery, but drifted apart. Then Jack in year one; Jack even came to visit once and Frazer went to his house - we don't often get visitors as we don't live as close to the school as everyone else. Then Jack moved and that's it really.
He's started to play with Jack (new boy replacing the old Jack!), James and Jack from the other year 2 class. I remember his teacher suggesting the new Jack as a good friend, as he seems nice, and where he is new it gives Frazer (being so shy) a better chance to make friends. Frazer says that out of the 3, this Jack is his favourite, though still insists he has no best friend! lol Maybe we will ask this Jack along to Frazer's birthday if his mum is OK with it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
so the plan is...
The plan is (or was?) to get my coil out, at some point while Liam is off work, he's off work from today, for a week.
So why haven't I talked to him about it?
I've been trying to for about 2 weeks now, and yet every time I open up my mouth I get choked. Can't he even see it in me?
There's been so many uncomfortable silences recently. I'll give him a big hug and then want to say something, but I don't. I can't.
As I get in to bed, I want to say something, and I'm sure that as I doze off I try to speak. Probably comes out incoherent mumblings, but in my head it's a whole conversation.
I just want to ask him how he is feeling about it all now. to ask him if he is ready to support me and go through with it all.
I think that the reason I can not is because I am so, so scared that he will say he is not.
What if he is unwilling to help me? Doesn't want to come along to the clinic - or worse still, comes, but begrudgingly. I hate that.
He knows that I'm scared of internals and I need his support. He promised to give it but what if he's changed his mind?
I it's think the lack of talking about it from him - and when I say 'lack' I really mean NOTHING - AT - ALL. If he's saying nothing is he really thinking nothing on it? Or is he actually thinking such terrible thoughts that he does not want to share them with me?
I know I can cope, he knows that I cope. I know that he can cope and I will take up the extra when he needs to study. It will be no trouble at all once I'm off my course, less sleep but *far* less head-space to fill, and besides, it will actually be something I enjoy.
Maybe when we are together he looks at me differently than I think.
Does he see my scars? Does he look at my imperfections as an indication that I can never manage? I see the scars on my arms are fading away, there's not so many that are visible anymore, just the deepest ones.
My legs are a different matter, I'm not sure that all of them will ever go, and I'm certain that my biggest wrist one will be with me until the day I die. There's a certain irony in saying that...
So does he see me as a failure? I've promised I can cope, but I need to talk about these things. He knows that, I am 100% certain he knows that I need to talk. But I get no openings.
He keeps threatening to read this blog. I'm sure that he does not, but there's a part of me that's beyond caring now anyway. I can't talk to him after all, and everyone online must be sick of me going on about the same old stuff, and I could never say all this to my real life friends and family.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
So why haven't I talked to him about it?
I've been trying to for about 2 weeks now, and yet every time I open up my mouth I get choked. Can't he even see it in me?
There's been so many uncomfortable silences recently. I'll give him a big hug and then want to say something, but I don't. I can't.
As I get in to bed, I want to say something, and I'm sure that as I doze off I try to speak. Probably comes out incoherent mumblings, but in my head it's a whole conversation.
I just want to ask him how he is feeling about it all now. to ask him if he is ready to support me and go through with it all.
I think that the reason I can not is because I am so, so scared that he will say he is not.
What if he is unwilling to help me? Doesn't want to come along to the clinic - or worse still, comes, but begrudgingly. I hate that.
He knows that I'm scared of internals and I need his support. He promised to give it but what if he's changed his mind?
I it's think the lack of talking about it from him - and when I say 'lack' I really mean NOTHING - AT - ALL. If he's saying nothing is he really thinking nothing on it? Or is he actually thinking such terrible thoughts that he does not want to share them with me?
I know I can cope, he knows that I cope. I know that he can cope and I will take up the extra when he needs to study. It will be no trouble at all once I'm off my course, less sleep but *far* less head-space to fill, and besides, it will actually be something I enjoy.
Maybe when we are together he looks at me differently than I think.
Does he see my scars? Does he look at my imperfections as an indication that I can never manage? I see the scars on my arms are fading away, there's not so many that are visible anymore, just the deepest ones.
My legs are a different matter, I'm not sure that all of them will ever go, and I'm certain that my biggest wrist one will be with me until the day I die. There's a certain irony in saying that...
So does he see me as a failure? I've promised I can cope, but I need to talk about these things. He knows that, I am 100% certain he knows that I need to talk. But I get no openings.
He keeps threatening to read this blog. I'm sure that he does not, but there's a part of me that's beyond caring now anyway. I can't talk to him after all, and everyone online must be sick of me going on about the same old stuff, and I could never say all this to my real life friends and family.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Weekend and More
The Roller Disco
http://www.rollerdisco.info/vauxhall/
Was fab! I couldn't recommend it enough. We did the usual me being too late to leave on time thing (It's bloody hard managing children and getting ready on very limited time!), Liam getting pissed off and me trying not to cry thing. And we both once more swore not to go out with each other again but to only stick to going out with our other friends.
We got to the pub shortly before they left for the pub and I was *hugely* relieved to see that everyone was fully dressed up - no half measures! H welcomed me with (literally) open arms and her friends are all really nice too. Liam knew quite a few of the group through kung fu, but I'd say that I could still only name about 3 of them.
I didn't fall over once, and though I do say so myself, I think I looked great! 80's get up is not sexy, but certainly fun. Liam looked like he had the longest legs ever with his tucked in T-shirt (retro!) and skates, he did look lovely.
The club isn't the most social of places, well not for me anyway as I was too busy skating, and once on the skate/dance floor you can't get close shout loud enough to be heard by friends. The stewards were fab though, peeping their whistles and forming a human barrier when ever someone fell over, grabbing any bits they saw on the floor, moving people along if they stopped in the way to chat and even teaching people if they asked. There was no trouble at all there until the end of the night when a few girls tried to fight, but that quickly got put out - the only worry I had was the heavy skates in hands!
There was a man there in a full Bananaman costume! I don't think he got beaten on the 100% effort stakes but he must have been roasting! Lots of girls were dressed similarly to me, but I think mine was best TBH - and it's not often I'll say things like that! There were many men dressed in a 70's shirt with a huge afro and those dodgy stick on moustaches with big sunglasses - very fun for the blokes to get in on the dress up action for a change.
There were a couple of true pros, who were hypnotizing to watch, they looked as thought hey had been skating all their lives! But there were a few that were great on skates, but just not careful with it like the true pros - they were bit too cocky and so didn't care if they knocked someone else over. I was pleased that most of the people there were as wobbly on wheels as I had expected to be, and quite a few were much worse! Although I've never been able to move at all when on roller skates, I didn't fall over once, and by the end of the night I was really enjoying myself and feeling like I could really do this. I even had people asking if I had done it much before because I had such a good sense of balance.
It took a while to find my rhythm, because I am so used to roller blades, which are more different than I thought from regular skates! As i said, not one fall, although I'm sure people had it in for me, shooting out in front, clipping my wheels and crashing around me, grabbing my arms as they went!
We stopped a few times to chat with the others. H had a booth because it was her birthday (she also had flashing skate wheels!) and it was a good place to meet up for a drink and be a bit more sociable. They were really nice chatty people and H was so pleased that 'so many nice people had come.'
The Mafia Meetup
Me and Liam got home really late from the roller disco - I think we were in bed at 3am. We felt immensely guilty as we had left Ashleigh and her friend with no blankets!
The kids were complete loons of course; they always are when people are over, but they were especially excited because today was the day of the meetup in Horsham. We managed to miss our direct train, but changed at Gatwick and it worked out ok - by far better than bussing it to Victoria.
It was SO lovely to meet with Marilyn especially, as we have been chatting more and more via msn and so it was not uncomfortable at all. There were loads of lovely people there, I'm not going to name all their names in case they would rather I didn't, but I did have a lovely time, and quite a laugh too at times! There was a rather obvious divide in the room which was a shame, but partly expected, and it didn't spoil the fun at all. I would really like to meet up with Marilyn again, but with her living so far away, it's unlikely to happen often. It's so nice to meet someone that you instantly get on with, so that there are no awkward moments, but you just chat away like you've always known each other. Speaking of such things - I really really wish Sally could have been there, I'm missing her at the moment as she's barely online because of her broken computer.
Someone else I'm really missing is Sarah and her lovely daughters. I haven't seen her since Christmas and at times I really miss having her around to see more often. We used to meet a few times a week and it's only now I realise how luck I was to have that kind of friendship.
I've been told that the next meetup is to be at my house - I look forward to that! I don't know how soon to make it though, and hopefully doggie arrangements can be made, or that people just don't mind there being a woofer around.
Sunday - Kung Fu Day and Snow Day
Well Sunday was fun.
No - I mean it!
We woke up on Sunday with Liam groaning - we could hear the tell tale pitter patter of rain on our window ledge, but when we got up the world was WHITE! It must have been melting snow by our window.
We trouped off to kung fu as normal, and I must say, I am so glad I went with Liam to the disco - the people that had been there all took the time to say hello to me, ask if I had any bruises etc ask how I was and say how they enjoyed themselves. For the first time at kung fu I felt really welcome and I really appreciated that. It may have been this, or it may have been Liam who seemed less tetchy than usual, or maybe that Rowan did a bit more work in the class, but I had the most enjoyable time so far there. I wont say it was a wonderfully enjoyable experience, but it was not unpleasant and I even smiled through most of it.
Master Ang was there for most of the class. He was watching to see how Liam manges the children's group while the other belts trained elsewhere for their gradings. All the children got a certificate at the end of the class and I was *so* relieved when Rowan spoke to Master Ang without telling him to go away, because he gave Rowan a hug and spoke to him, normally that's MORE than enough to make him freak out.
We hung around after to see the first grading. Frazer will have to go in to the proper class when he turns 7, and it's really about time he started thinking about going for his first belt. I wanted him to see what happens at a grading, how easy it is when you know the stuff and how he could achieve it with little work, as he already knows most of it. Most importantly I wanted him to see that everyone gets it wrong, but that no one gets told off and they all still passed.
I was lovely on the way home - random snowball fights were breaking out everywhere and I kept taking pictures because the world looks so pretty when it's snowy. People were going in to Greenwich park with toboggans and I couldn't help but think how great that must be, on the steep hills in there. On our way to kung fu, as the bus topped the hill leading to Blackheath, we were shocked to see a world of white - almost as far as we could see! on our way home we got to enjoy some of the untouched snow. Frazer and Scarlett made snow angels (I hesitated with Frazer as he had lost his wellies, but gave in as there's so little opportunity normally), we threw snowballs at each other and squeak-crunched through the snow making tracks. We even had time to make a snowman before ht bus got there! I'm so pleased, because I remember how much joy that brought to me as a child, as it so rarely snows enough.
I wish we could have done more, but I was so tired - the (long) weekend was catching up on me. It was too cold anyway and we were all desperate to get in and have hot chocolate with biscuits in front of a good film.
More
Monday and School holidays now, thank goodness! I am so not one of these mums that freaks out at the thought of time with her children - I always look forward to it. Of course Monday was the day to drive mum mad, but this is mainly my own doing. On Sunday night the children were real rotters, so I had told them that if they continued, we would be doing nothing interesting or fun together the next day. And so they continued. Unfortunately the punishment is as much mine as theirs!
So we didn't get much done on Monday, and they did a lot of screaming at each other, and I shouted at them when they would not tidy up. I put the film Ratatouille on for them which gave us all some quiet time to wind down with before Liam got home.
Tuesday was a better day. I got FLYing (http://www.flylady.net/) and the children helped. They kept their room clear and dried the floor after I mopped. I cleaned all over the place and did the '1 hour home blessing' and scrubbed finger marks off doorways where I didn't know there were finger marks!
Last night (still Tues) I finally watched one of my downloads - 'Dawn Goes Lesbian'. It's really good, not high on the documentary stakes, but fun to watch, and horny as hell in places! I still have the Friday Night Project (guest star David Tennant) and the last Torchwood to watch, I hope they are still available - I have downloaded them but I think they can still run out.
Last night the worst night with lack of sleep that I've had in ages. I don't know why but I was tossing and turning a lot - and with Rowan first crying for me to put his blanket back on, and then coming in bed with us (more unusual nowadays) and hogging all the space, well it just wasn't good. It got worse when Liam started taking up too much room and I rolled over - then Rowan fell right out of bed with a bump! Poor thing, he said he hit his head on the way down too. After that he slept at the foot of the bed as he always used to do. Didn't take up too much room but I just could NOT sleep right after that.
So after a night full of disruptions, ill rest and weird dreams, my phone starts ringing at about 5:30. I'm amazed that I actually looked at it, and didn't assume it was a phone alarm that I always turn right off! It was my mum, so I instantly worried. Her mum (who has cancer) had been taken in to hospital and she needed to get there, so could I have the boys? I said yes, of course(!) and they got here before 6am.
I don't mind having Isaac and Cameron, but it puts me on edge. I feel constantly on edge when they are there actually. Isaac - if i haven't mentioned - has Bi Polar. For years now he has been able to turn psychopathic for the slightest reason, sometimes no reason at all. He is on medication (took a LOT of fighting to get there, and a diagnosis) and so much better to be around, but still able to get in to a mood, or hit out at people. Normally he leaves the house now, I am quite pleased that he does this as I think it is a good way for him to keep on top of things, but when Cameron winds him up (and this is usually the case) Isaac may well feel hurt or angry before he leaves.
Today I posted this online;
Somebody take me away from this awful place! ...and put me in a dark, quiet room with a comfortable bed please.
I had the worst night sleep last night - and I NEED my sleep or I'm not worth being around. I had children that at first wouldn't sleep, then I fell asleep on my study books (again), then in the night Rowan wailing for me to put his blanket back on. Then he got in bed with me and scrunched me all up small - then I turned over and made him fall out of bed(!) and after that I simply couldn't sleep. Then my mum phoned at about 5:30 asking me to watch my brothers as her mum had been taken to hospital I've no idea what the situation there is now but I hope things are ok. At home I have 5 children and a mad dog running around screaming and playing hide and seek. They've been doing this for some time now and I don't have the energy to tell them to stop...
Great, and now I've heard a smash upstairs. There is a lot of angry arguing going on over who broke it, how and because of who else etc... How long until they get down here and loudly tell me about it all at the same time?
*sigh*
I hate days like this. The plan was a good night's sleep and then breastfeeding cafe today!
ETA - it was the bathroom lock that got broken. It's a kind of internal lock which is really annoying because I don't know how to fix it. The door can still be locked but now I can't open it from the outside if someone small locks them self in. I went up to investigate and told everyone to stop arguing over who done it. I pointed out that the door is broken (OK, I may have swore ) and that it really doesn't matter who did it, because knowing who will not fix it. I told Rowan off for calling someone a 'stupid boy' and then started to get my lot dressed.
Now Isaac has walked out, which on the one hand is good (If he can feel himself getting worked up) but has worried me because he doesn't have a phone and there's no one at his house. I planned to go shopping but now I really need to stay here in case he comes back...
Woohoo - he's back now, phew. but I'm sure that having conversations with myself can't be a good sign...!
I wish I could take the dog out! This is part of my on going problem - she has been in season for what seems like forever now, so I'm unable to get her out much.
The plan now is to go out to Asda in a bit. I noticed yesterday that they had Willow (remember that film?) on DVD for £5! and I think this lot should sit nicely to watch that. I'd like the idea of pizza making, but have a worrying feeling that it will lead to fights. It can be a back up plan - I really need to give them separate things to do, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment.
Right now my lot are all (miraculously!) dressed and playing quietly. Isaac returned with his PSP so he must have gone home for it. He's playing that in a corner now, I think with my noisy children he just needs time and a place to shut himself off from it all.
Plan now is to get value frozen pizzas and bits to go on top. So far so good here, but TBH when my brothers are over I feel like I'm constantly on edge. No idea how gran is (she's not really my gran, as I've never been that involved with the extended part of my foster family) but I'm hoping that no news is good news.
Well they've had their pizzas, eaten loads of other stuff (but I'm trying to avoid the junk stuff in fear of mood swings!) and watched Willow, which went down well. They're all upstairs now, admittedly noisily playing, but my mum has just phoned and will be picking them up in about 20 minutes. Her mum has pneumonia, and will probably be in hospital for about a week. Problem now is that it's the holidays, so any other hospital trips she does will require me brother-sitting, and I feel so so selfish to resent that But I'll do it anyway, don't get me wrong.
Brothers are gone now, and we all survived fine. But now Liam is out at Kung Fu, and so I have to do that Wednesday shift that I hate, on a day when I am tired - so, so tired!
http://www.rollerdisco.info/vauxhall/
Was fab! I couldn't recommend it enough. We did the usual me being too late to leave on time thing (It's bloody hard managing children and getting ready on very limited time!), Liam getting pissed off and me trying not to cry thing. And we both once more swore not to go out with each other again but to only stick to going out with our other friends.
We got to the pub shortly before they left for the pub and I was *hugely* relieved to see that everyone was fully dressed up - no half measures! H welcomed me with (literally) open arms and her friends are all really nice too. Liam knew quite a few of the group through kung fu, but I'd say that I could still only name about 3 of them.
I didn't fall over once, and though I do say so myself, I think I looked great! 80's get up is not sexy, but certainly fun. Liam looked like he had the longest legs ever with his tucked in T-shirt (retro!) and skates, he did look lovely.
The club isn't the most social of places, well not for me anyway as I was too busy skating, and once on the skate/dance floor you can't get close shout loud enough to be heard by friends. The stewards were fab though, peeping their whistles and forming a human barrier when ever someone fell over, grabbing any bits they saw on the floor, moving people along if they stopped in the way to chat and even teaching people if they asked. There was no trouble at all there until the end of the night when a few girls tried to fight, but that quickly got put out - the only worry I had was the heavy skates in hands!
There was a man there in a full Bananaman costume! I don't think he got beaten on the 100% effort stakes but he must have been roasting! Lots of girls were dressed similarly to me, but I think mine was best TBH - and it's not often I'll say things like that! There were many men dressed in a 70's shirt with a huge afro and those dodgy stick on moustaches with big sunglasses - very fun for the blokes to get in on the dress up action for a change.
There were a couple of true pros, who were hypnotizing to watch, they looked as thought hey had been skating all their lives! But there were a few that were great on skates, but just not careful with it like the true pros - they were bit too cocky and so didn't care if they knocked someone else over. I was pleased that most of the people there were as wobbly on wheels as I had expected to be, and quite a few were much worse! Although I've never been able to move at all when on roller skates, I didn't fall over once, and by the end of the night I was really enjoying myself and feeling like I could really do this. I even had people asking if I had done it much before because I had such a good sense of balance.
It took a while to find my rhythm, because I am so used to roller blades, which are more different than I thought from regular skates! As i said, not one fall, although I'm sure people had it in for me, shooting out in front, clipping my wheels and crashing around me, grabbing my arms as they went!
We stopped a few times to chat with the others. H had a booth because it was her birthday (she also had flashing skate wheels!) and it was a good place to meet up for a drink and be a bit more sociable. They were really nice chatty people and H was so pleased that 'so many nice people had come.'
The Mafia Meetup
Me and Liam got home really late from the roller disco - I think we were in bed at 3am. We felt immensely guilty as we had left Ashleigh and her friend with no blankets!
The kids were complete loons of course; they always are when people are over, but they were especially excited because today was the day of the meetup in Horsham. We managed to miss our direct train, but changed at Gatwick and it worked out ok - by far better than bussing it to Victoria.
It was SO lovely to meet with Marilyn especially, as we have been chatting more and more via msn and so it was not uncomfortable at all. There were loads of lovely people there, I'm not going to name all their names in case they would rather I didn't, but I did have a lovely time, and quite a laugh too at times! There was a rather obvious divide in the room which was a shame, but partly expected, and it didn't spoil the fun at all. I would really like to meet up with Marilyn again, but with her living so far away, it's unlikely to happen often. It's so nice to meet someone that you instantly get on with, so that there are no awkward moments, but you just chat away like you've always known each other. Speaking of such things - I really really wish Sally could have been there, I'm missing her at the moment as she's barely online because of her broken computer.
Someone else I'm really missing is Sarah and her lovely daughters. I haven't seen her since Christmas and at times I really miss having her around to see more often. We used to meet a few times a week and it's only now I realise how luck I was to have that kind of friendship.
I've been told that the next meetup is to be at my house - I look forward to that! I don't know how soon to make it though, and hopefully doggie arrangements can be made, or that people just don't mind there being a woofer around.
Sunday - Kung Fu Day and Snow Day
Well Sunday was fun.
No - I mean it!
We woke up on Sunday with Liam groaning - we could hear the tell tale pitter patter of rain on our window ledge, but when we got up the world was WHITE! It must have been melting snow by our window.
We trouped off to kung fu as normal, and I must say, I am so glad I went with Liam to the disco - the people that had been there all took the time to say hello to me, ask if I had any bruises etc ask how I was and say how they enjoyed themselves. For the first time at kung fu I felt really welcome and I really appreciated that. It may have been this, or it may have been Liam who seemed less tetchy than usual, or maybe that Rowan did a bit more work in the class, but I had the most enjoyable time so far there. I wont say it was a wonderfully enjoyable experience, but it was not unpleasant and I even smiled through most of it.
Master Ang was there for most of the class. He was watching to see how Liam manges the children's group while the other belts trained elsewhere for their gradings. All the children got a certificate at the end of the class and I was *so* relieved when Rowan spoke to Master Ang without telling him to go away, because he gave Rowan a hug and spoke to him, normally that's MORE than enough to make him freak out.
We hung around after to see the first grading. Frazer will have to go in to the proper class when he turns 7, and it's really about time he started thinking about going for his first belt. I wanted him to see what happens at a grading, how easy it is when you know the stuff and how he could achieve it with little work, as he already knows most of it. Most importantly I wanted him to see that everyone gets it wrong, but that no one gets told off and they all still passed.
I was lovely on the way home - random snowball fights were breaking out everywhere and I kept taking pictures because the world looks so pretty when it's snowy. People were going in to Greenwich park with toboggans and I couldn't help but think how great that must be, on the steep hills in there. On our way to kung fu, as the bus topped the hill leading to Blackheath, we were shocked to see a world of white - almost as far as we could see! on our way home we got to enjoy some of the untouched snow. Frazer and Scarlett made snow angels (I hesitated with Frazer as he had lost his wellies, but gave in as there's so little opportunity normally), we threw snowballs at each other and squeak-crunched through the snow making tracks. We even had time to make a snowman before ht bus got there! I'm so pleased, because I remember how much joy that brought to me as a child, as it so rarely snows enough.
I wish we could have done more, but I was so tired - the (long) weekend was catching up on me. It was too cold anyway and we were all desperate to get in and have hot chocolate with biscuits in front of a good film.
More
Monday and School holidays now, thank goodness! I am so not one of these mums that freaks out at the thought of time with her children - I always look forward to it. Of course Monday was the day to drive mum mad, but this is mainly my own doing. On Sunday night the children were real rotters, so I had told them that if they continued, we would be doing nothing interesting or fun together the next day. And so they continued. Unfortunately the punishment is as much mine as theirs!
So we didn't get much done on Monday, and they did a lot of screaming at each other, and I shouted at them when they would not tidy up. I put the film Ratatouille on for them which gave us all some quiet time to wind down with before Liam got home.
Tuesday was a better day. I got FLYing (http://www.flylady.net/) and the children helped. They kept their room clear and dried the floor after I mopped. I cleaned all over the place and did the '1 hour home blessing' and scrubbed finger marks off doorways where I didn't know there were finger marks!
Last night (still Tues) I finally watched one of my downloads - 'Dawn Goes Lesbian'. It's really good, not high on the documentary stakes, but fun to watch, and horny as hell in places! I still have the Friday Night Project (guest star David Tennant) and the last Torchwood to watch, I hope they are still available - I have downloaded them but I think they can still run out.
Last night the worst night with lack of sleep that I've had in ages. I don't know why but I was tossing and turning a lot - and with Rowan first crying for me to put his blanket back on, and then coming in bed with us (more unusual nowadays) and hogging all the space, well it just wasn't good. It got worse when Liam started taking up too much room and I rolled over - then Rowan fell right out of bed with a bump! Poor thing, he said he hit his head on the way down too. After that he slept at the foot of the bed as he always used to do. Didn't take up too much room but I just could NOT sleep right after that.
So after a night full of disruptions, ill rest and weird dreams, my phone starts ringing at about 5:30. I'm amazed that I actually looked at it, and didn't assume it was a phone alarm that I always turn right off! It was my mum, so I instantly worried. Her mum (who has cancer) had been taken in to hospital and she needed to get there, so could I have the boys? I said yes, of course(!) and they got here before 6am.
I don't mind having Isaac and Cameron, but it puts me on edge. I feel constantly on edge when they are there actually. Isaac - if i haven't mentioned - has Bi Polar. For years now he has been able to turn psychopathic for the slightest reason, sometimes no reason at all. He is on medication (took a LOT of fighting to get there, and a diagnosis) and so much better to be around, but still able to get in to a mood, or hit out at people. Normally he leaves the house now, I am quite pleased that he does this as I think it is a good way for him to keep on top of things, but when Cameron winds him up (and this is usually the case) Isaac may well feel hurt or angry before he leaves.
Today I posted this online;
Somebody take me away from this awful place! ...and put me in a dark, quiet room with a comfortable bed please.
I had the worst night sleep last night - and I NEED my sleep or I'm not worth being around. I had children that at first wouldn't sleep, then I fell asleep on my study books (again), then in the night Rowan wailing for me to put his blanket back on. Then he got in bed with me and scrunched me all up small - then I turned over and made him fall out of bed(!) and after that I simply couldn't sleep. Then my mum phoned at about 5:30 asking me to watch my brothers as her mum had been taken to hospital I've no idea what the situation there is now but I hope things are ok. At home I have 5 children and a mad dog running around screaming and playing hide and seek. They've been doing this for some time now and I don't have the energy to tell them to stop...
Great, and now I've heard a smash upstairs. There is a lot of angry arguing going on over who broke it, how and because of who else etc... How long until they get down here and loudly tell me about it all at the same time?
*sigh*
I hate days like this. The plan was a good night's sleep and then breastfeeding cafe today!
ETA - it was the bathroom lock that got broken. It's a kind of internal lock which is really annoying because I don't know how to fix it. The door can still be locked but now I can't open it from the outside if someone small locks them self in. I went up to investigate and told everyone to stop arguing over who done it. I pointed out that the door is broken (OK, I may have swore ) and that it really doesn't matter who did it, because knowing who will not fix it. I told Rowan off for calling someone a 'stupid boy' and then started to get my lot dressed.
Now Isaac has walked out, which on the one hand is good (If he can feel himself getting worked up) but has worried me because he doesn't have a phone and there's no one at his house. I planned to go shopping but now I really need to stay here in case he comes back...
Woohoo - he's back now, phew. but I'm sure that having conversations with myself can't be a good sign...!
I wish I could take the dog out! This is part of my on going problem - she has been in season for what seems like forever now, so I'm unable to get her out much.
The plan now is to go out to Asda in a bit. I noticed yesterday that they had Willow (remember that film?) on DVD for £5! and I think this lot should sit nicely to watch that. I'd like the idea of pizza making, but have a worrying feeling that it will lead to fights. It can be a back up plan - I really need to give them separate things to do, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment.
Right now my lot are all (miraculously!) dressed and playing quietly. Isaac returned with his PSP so he must have gone home for it. He's playing that in a corner now, I think with my noisy children he just needs time and a place to shut himself off from it all.
Plan now is to get value frozen pizzas and bits to go on top. So far so good here, but TBH when my brothers are over I feel like I'm constantly on edge. No idea how gran is (she's not really my gran, as I've never been that involved with the extended part of my foster family) but I'm hoping that no news is good news.
Well they've had their pizzas, eaten loads of other stuff (but I'm trying to avoid the junk stuff in fear of mood swings!) and watched Willow, which went down well. They're all upstairs now, admittedly noisily playing, but my mum has just phoned and will be picking them up in about 20 minutes. Her mum has pneumonia, and will probably be in hospital for about a week. Problem now is that it's the holidays, so any other hospital trips she does will require me brother-sitting, and I feel so so selfish to resent that But I'll do it anyway, don't get me wrong.
Brothers are gone now, and we all survived fine. But now Liam is out at Kung Fu, and so I have to do that Wednesday shift that I hate, on a day when I am tired - so, so tired!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Here I go again on my own
Ever so lone lone lone lone lonelyyyyyyyy....
It's a song - cut me some slack, it's hard to get on here!
So this evening went like this;
It's a song - cut me some slack, it's hard to get on here!
So this evening went like this;
- Home - get children's coats off and badger them in to getting changed
- Carry on nagging them while trying to read email from tutor (yeay!)
- Feed children while trying to read emails
- Help Rowan and give up reading emails
- Get dates for BF peer support training (yeay!) on calender
- Liam gets home - Liam cooks
- Liam moans at children for moaning
- Wake Rowan up for dinner (biiig mistake)
- Try to calm Rowan down
- Try to calm Liam down (Rowan pissing him off)
- Try to get children to bed - involves 'sleeping' with Rowan for half an hour
- Back downstairs to study, Liam sleeps and insists he is not sleeping at all.
- Shower
- After what I think is a minor row, Liam goes to bed.
I don't know what his problem was/is. Tiredness and Rowan being a brat comes as standard. He's not usually this moody about it. I am leaning towards thinking that maybe he's worried about tomorrow. He often gets stressy when it comes to taking me out with his friends - I've seen it before and it will happen again.
I think he thinks I'm going to show him up, that's the way it always seems anyway, it's depressing that I must embarress him so much.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Roller Disco time, and I think I have an outfit sorted! From the top;
Bright pink big net-bow in my hair, pink hoop earrings (and any others I can find), white lace crop top, black fishnet 'fingerless gloves', hopefully pink bracelets (not bought these yet), white rara skirt, pink shorts underneath, black or pink fishnet tights, black legwarmers, pink glittery ballet pumps. I have a bag that matches the shoes!
I hope Liam is OK with this, I don't see why not but he can be weird about this stuff.
The Tutor Replies!
Yep, I got a reply. She's being very supportive. Told me what I can miss and what to do to help. If I use the index to find bits I need I should be able to pass the next TMA, and I probably just need to drop my standards a little too. Although I don't want to 'just pass' (I want to pass with a good grade), I need to realise that scraping a pass is better than giving up entirely!
I'M GOING TO GET TRAINED!!!
And about bloody time too. I started going to the breastfeeding cafe shortly before Rowan was 1. Not long after this it was suggested that my name be put forward for the next peer supporter training. Rowan is now 3 years and 6 months old, and I've finally had the call!
To be fair, it's not their fault - the funding got cut (dammit). I now have to work out and negotiate with other people, how I will be getting Rowan to school, if at all, on the days I'm training. Could be tricky...
What is up with my line breaks tonight?! It keeps doing double spacing on here and I have no idea why! ETA - it isn't showing when I publish, but I'm sure it doesn't normally do it all the same. Weeeiiiirrrrd.
Aggh, is it really midnight?! I still need to get ready for tomorrow, I have nothing at all done! Fat chance of doing much though, with Rowan insisting on not sleeping. He's flouncing about all over the front room half awake and grumpy.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Why am I still up?
I'll tell you why.
It's because I can sit here hitting refresh on my 'check messages' email button.
I know that there's little to no chance that my tutor will reply tonight, and I know that my time would be better spent reading my books or getting ready for the morning.
Yet here I am.
Click.
Refresh.
Click.
Refresh.
Click...
It's because I can sit here hitting refresh on my 'check messages' email button.
I know that there's little to no chance that my tutor will reply tonight, and I know that my time would be better spent reading my books or getting ready for the morning.
Yet here I am.
Click.
Refresh.
Click.
Refresh.
Click...
Sooo annoyed
Pesky School Mum
All is going well with TTC plans and thoughts, kinda. We've been doing ok anyway - You know I've already been saving a few bits for when the time comes... *oops*
Anyway, plan is to have coil out soon, and TTC about May-ish. You may wonder why I am annoyed.
In DD's class at school there is a little boy who is a brat beyond your imagination, I think I've mentioned him before. I'm normally very laid back and like to see good in people, but this boy and his mum get my back up a LOT. This boy is in with DD, putting me on tenterhooks, and he has bullied my DS1 in the playground. He has a sister, and I was *so* annoyed to see that she was in nursery with my DS2 *banghead* It's like I can't escape them!
Can you guess where I'm going?
The mum is pregnant, and due after September, so if my baby plans go well, I will once again have a child in the same class as hers. I know this sounds pathetic, but she is the one person I find really hard to be around, and she socially forces herself on me!
I'll be seeing her at anti and post natal groups, the BF cafe, toddler groups, everywhere mums with babies go, plus school in three classes eventually *banghead* I'll be biting my tongue off while listening to her bad BF advice - oh but ok, because she trained as a peer supporter (and ignored all she was taught) - and her Gina Ford mantra.
I only hope the next baby isn't like her other children, but TBH I think that is wishful thinking...
I seriously considered putting TTC off longer, I really did! But I can't do that to myself, it might take forever to conceive anyway.
Worried about the Course still
In fact, this evening I mailed my tutor the following;
I'm afraid I am behind
Dear Patricia,
I'm writing to you because I am in a difficult position and I don't know what to do.
My first TMA was dreadful - I am only too aware of this and was surprised to even get a pass grade. My reason for this is that I was falling asleep as I wrote it, and again as I sent it.
I'm actually falling asleep really often and I'm not sure if it's simply because of a hectic lifestyle, I'm making an appointment with my GP to rule out any other more sinister possibilities anyway, as it also happens in public places which is obviously not good.
I understand that this is really not of importance to you, so I apologise for making this email long winded.
I really believed that I would do so badly with my first TMA that there would be no point in continuing the course. Consequently, I neglected my studies quite a bit and have now fallen behind. This is now really frustrating for me, as I have become so interested in the course, and I would really like to continue! I've even been making notes of other novels mentioned that I would like to read when this course is finished.
I've still not managed to read right the way through Great Expectations, but I have read Fathers and Sons and Frankenstein. On the course book, The Realist Novel, I am only half way through chapter 4.
I would like your opinion on if there is any way I can feasibly catch up and continue on this course. My 3 children are on their spring holiday next week, and my husband is off work too, so I should be able to get some more study time in if my husband takes over child care a bit more.
If you do not feel that I can do this course justice, or that I stand no chance in passing, etc, then please could you let me know, I shall respect your thoughts and hopefully will re-take the course in a few years time.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this email,
Elaine
I don't know what the effect, if any, will be. I only hope she replies soon. I have my second TMA due in tomorrow, and there's little to no chance that I will manage this. If I do get the assignment in, it will be winging it on the little info I have on the subject, and praying that it is enough to scrape a pass. From then on I will have to just jump to the next chunk of course work rather than try to catch up - and then try o read up on all the bits I missed if by some fluke I get ahead on the course, or read it when I'm done. Hopefully if I get pregnant I'll have some reading time spare over those 9 months and early breastfeeding days!
All is going well with TTC plans and thoughts, kinda. We've been doing ok anyway - You know I've already been saving a few bits for when the time comes... *oops*
Anyway, plan is to have coil out soon, and TTC about May-ish. You may wonder why I am annoyed.
In DD's class at school there is a little boy who is a brat beyond your imagination, I think I've mentioned him before. I'm normally very laid back and like to see good in people, but this boy and his mum get my back up a LOT. This boy is in with DD, putting me on tenterhooks, and he has bullied my DS1 in the playground. He has a sister, and I was *so* annoyed to see that she was in nursery with my DS2 *banghead* It's like I can't escape them!
Can you guess where I'm going?
The mum is pregnant, and due after September, so if my baby plans go well, I will once again have a child in the same class as hers. I know this sounds pathetic, but she is the one person I find really hard to be around, and she socially forces herself on me!
I'll be seeing her at anti and post natal groups, the BF cafe, toddler groups, everywhere mums with babies go, plus school in three classes eventually *banghead* I'll be biting my tongue off while listening to her bad BF advice - oh but ok, because she trained as a peer supporter (and ignored all she was taught) - and her Gina Ford mantra.
I only hope the next baby isn't like her other children, but TBH I think that is wishful thinking...
I seriously considered putting TTC off longer, I really did! But I can't do that to myself, it might take forever to conceive anyway.
Worried about the Course still
In fact, this evening I mailed my tutor the following;
I'm afraid I am behind
Dear Patricia,
I'm writing to you because I am in a difficult position and I don't know what to do.
My first TMA was dreadful - I am only too aware of this and was surprised to even get a pass grade. My reason for this is that I was falling asleep as I wrote it, and again as I sent it.
I'm actually falling asleep really often and I'm not sure if it's simply because of a hectic lifestyle, I'm making an appointment with my GP to rule out any other more sinister possibilities anyway, as it also happens in public places which is obviously not good.
I understand that this is really not of importance to you, so I apologise for making this email long winded.
I really believed that I would do so badly with my first TMA that there would be no point in continuing the course. Consequently, I neglected my studies quite a bit and have now fallen behind. This is now really frustrating for me, as I have become so interested in the course, and I would really like to continue! I've even been making notes of other novels mentioned that I would like to read when this course is finished.
I've still not managed to read right the way through Great Expectations, but I have read Fathers and Sons and Frankenstein. On the course book, The Realist Novel, I am only half way through chapter 4.
I would like your opinion on if there is any way I can feasibly catch up and continue on this course. My 3 children are on their spring holiday next week, and my husband is off work too, so I should be able to get some more study time in if my husband takes over child care a bit more.
If you do not feel that I can do this course justice, or that I stand no chance in passing, etc, then please could you let me know, I shall respect your thoughts and hopefully will re-take the course in a few years time.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this email,
Elaine
I don't know what the effect, if any, will be. I only hope she replies soon. I have my second TMA due in tomorrow, and there's little to no chance that I will manage this. If I do get the assignment in, it will be winging it on the little info I have on the subject, and praying that it is enough to scrape a pass. From then on I will have to just jump to the next chunk of course work rather than try to catch up - and then try o read up on all the bits I missed if by some fluke I get ahead on the course, or read it when I'm done. Hopefully if I get pregnant I'll have some reading time spare over those 9 months and early breastfeeding days!
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