What was I thinking!?

Roller Disco No No


Oh dear, what was I thinking? Did I mention the Roller Disco before now? A woman from Liam's kung fu is having an 70's-80's themed Roller disco for her birthday. I though this sounded really fun so said Liam should go (and take me!) but he didn't want to.
Then he did.
Now I don't know if I want to!
I get so intimidated by the kung fu folks, don't I? And I wont know anyone there apart from Liam. I might know a few faces but that's it. then again, I should just take the plunge...
I don't think I have much choice. Liam is definitely going, and he wants me to go with him. That's enough to push me really. I don't actually not want to go, I'm just nervous. I'm not good at meeting people anymore. I used to be ok - It's like me and Liam have switched actually.
Not surprising really, considering that Liam talks to human adults every day a work, socialises and actually organises and runs a kung fu class, meets people at tutorials and uni/law related things, plus although he's not done it for a while, over the past few years he's been way mroe likely to go out with friends than I ever am.

Sheesh, I'm a bloody hermit. It's no wonder I'm becoming people-phobic.

I need to think of an 80's outfit, I thought I was getting somewhere actually but Liam pretty much shot it down. Then he seemed pretty unsure of whether anyone actually would be dressing up anyway, and considering I don't see the Birthday Girl I have no way of contacting her to ask how all out anyone will be going.
Sods law says that if I go dressed up everyone else wont be, and if I don't then they will be. Either way I'm bound to be the odd one out.
Dammit, I was really looking forward to doing the 80's thing! I never got the chance to at the time, and I really wanted to for my hen night but it never got organised in the end. Maybe one day it will happen. For now I'll just dig out a crappy old 80' retro T-shirt. Well it's not that crappy I suppose - it's just not what I wanted, more casual than going out-y.

I need to cheer up!

OK, I know how to do that ;o) Betcha can guess what's coming?
I resisted the baby clothes aisles today, and the maternity stuff too! However, I did get a rather splendiferous parcel from Tracy. A gorgeous maternity dress, and two long tops too. It's great because in pregnancy I always make do with whatever I can get - it'll be nice to wear some nice things.
Liam's still not talking though. I hate it - would it be so much to open up his mouth once or twice just to mention things? Is he scared to encourage me? He knows it's going to happen anyway so why not try to make is a happy event?
Maybe I'm reading too much in to things, he is a man after all. But I don't want him to be just any man - I want him to be the supportive husband and father, the lovely man that knows what to do and say to make me feel secure.
Gaahhhhh! Pregnant woman on the TV! Cow, lol. I'd better switch it off and get on with my work.

Diary of a Baby Obsessive

Do you think I should change my blog name?

lol - I'm starting to think that I should!
Every night it's the last thing I think of. I lay in bed and relax. I imagine my belly growing, sometimes i start right from the very thought of conception, of the little foetus implanting in my womb, maybe even more than one!
I go through the pregnancy in my head, how I will feel, how Liam likes to hold me and stroke my belly. I imagine the other children feeling the baby kick their hands, and telling them about their sibling growing inside me.
I think of the labour, how nice it would be to give birth at home with a (hopefully!) supportive midwife in a warm protective pool, with Liam at my side.
How lovely it would be to carry our baby, in a sling, to feed him/her, snuggled up in bed together...
I can imagine the baby growing, having another toddler, the funny things they come out with when they start talking - I Love that toddler humour!

There's just so much, I can't even begin. That's why I fall asleep so fast, it's all happy thoughts that I am so comforted I drift off in no time! even if it did take a while to fall asleep I'd have plenty to think about until I got there, lol!


I had a revelation today

Something I had never thought of before, would never have even considered - but it makes so much sense!
One of the reasons I put off having a baby - there are so many, but I don't often talk about them - I realised what one is today. Fear, once again, but fear in a different sense.
Since the time that Frazer became sick, I've been so, so aware of how close I am to losing them. Every day, every night comes with a risk. It may be a a low one, but looking back and knowing how close Frazer was to death back then Wow, it really sticks in my head. How can I risk that again?
I should be able to say 'easily' - because of all the Love, joy and wonderful excitement they bring. I do think this way most of the time; it was only today that I realised there as an unconscious reason deep in there. I don't think it will bother me as much now that I have acknowledged it, I hope so anyway.

So today was a kung fu day...

And it went ok - seriously, it did! I did some white light visualisation on the journey there. I even called on my angel if i have one, to watch over me. I've never heard back from him/her though, any time I've asked so I do wonder if they are there for me. Funny, because the psychic taroists never 'see' anyone with me either.
Anyway - off on a tangent there! Rowan was a brat (no surprise), Frazer kept acting like he had a heart attack and was lazing about (common occurrence) and Scarlett was OK, Liam was nice too. Next week Master Ang will be there, and the children are supposed to be doing a demo - I wish we had more time to prepare now! I want them to all be able to go, but Rowan will let us down for sure, and it's fairly likely hat Frazer will falter under the pressure. Either that or do really well - I should give him more credit. What to do with Rowan though? I know realistically that he is only young. He's the youngest there and just not used to all this taking orders - will he ever be? lol


I Love My Tattooist (to be)

She's great - Sarah Street http://www.mantratattoo.com/res_artists/sarah/image_viewer/index.php
I've told her what I want doing, and she's sent me some gorgeous sketches! I want it done in three parts but it's so pretty that I'm getting tempted to get it all done at once if I could. As it stands I'm not even sure if I can afford one part of it. It'll last a few hours and she charges by the hour.
I'm having blossom type flowers down one side of my back, and stars echoing it on the other side. In the middle I want a moonlit fairy scene, and I'm going to have the little pixies based on my children.
I was thinking of getting the blossoms done first, then the stars to complete the 'frame' and lastly have the fairies put in. I'm ware that it could take well over a year to get all this done, because I intend on being pregnant (hopefully) shortly after I get the first stage done.
But the money! AAAGGGHHHH. I would be tempted to ask Liam to give me it as a Birthday present, but he doesn't have the money either. Besides, I like getting a present on my big day ;o) lol!



Anyway
I've gotta stop there because I am so behind on OU work that I want to cry. The next TMA is due this thursday which is quite depressing. I'm going to have to wing it without doing all the work required I think - I don't even have another tutorial before it's due! I've not even read the comments from my last one yet. I keep considering giving it up - I've lost all enthusiasm. The only reasons I keep going are that 1) I can't afford to pay back the book grant and will probably have to. 2) I just so want to prove myself as more than worthless. I want to be able to do this, and it's already going to take 6 years to achieve if I keep going straight as I am. I'll be stopping to have a baby (thank goodness!) but if I stop now it'll be a whole extra year to add on top.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that Liam doesn't turn all nasty on the baby idea. He's been so quiet about it that I'm absolutely petrified that the chance going to be snatched away from me.

Oh My, I really should be reading...

Scarlett is sick.

Today I am at home. For the past two nights Liam has been out; Kungfu then an OU Law thing. I know he has to do kungfu now that he teaches, and I encourage him to go to these Law thing and make contacts (though apparently at least one woman wanted to be a rather different kind of 'contact'!) but it's tiring doing the evening and late shift alone. Especially with Scarlett being the screaming banshee that she was last night.

He didn't get in until almost midnight, and stupidly I left it late getting stuff done. For some reason I had it in my head that I would do the clear up, lunches, uniforms etc, when he gets in - if I had known he would be so late I would have done it earlier so that I could sleep the moment he got in. Oh, I should mention here that he didn't have a key, lol.

This morning I had just enough time to get dressed and my shoes on (a la flylady) when Scarlett vomited all over the stairs. Minor chaos ensued before I realised Rowan would have to stay at home with me and Scarlett, Liam would have to get Frazer to school and I would need to get everything ready for Frazer to leave while Liam dashed out to put money on his Oyster card and reduce quite how late he was for work.

Scarlett was sick again just as Liam and Frazer left, and Rowan slept reeeeeeeeeaallllllllyyy late in my bed. He didn't get up until about 9 I think! Scarlett has been sleeping on and off - never leaving the sofa.

I'm really hoping that this is not a result o me doing dinners the past two nights in a row - I shall have to see how the boys fare...

Rowan is the king of cool fashion.

Minor disaster yesterday at the school - I went to discovery planet with Rowan in the morning, and when I put his boots on for nursery, I realised that about a third of the sole had peeled back from the shoe part of one boot! We were on time for nursery before I discovered this, so of course we were now bound to be late. I bought some superglue, but then realised I needed to give it an hour before using the boot again, so no good.

I dashed in to Adams and bought hims some super cool pumps - I saw them a while ago but none weer in his size. He calls them 'Doctor Who' shoes, because they are kinda converse-y and he adores them.

Teamed with his smart school trousers and shaggy hair, he just kind of works in this shaggy smart look of the moment, my little man! I've tried to put the picture in, but it insists that the pic can't go with the relevant writing *sigh*

I should have submitted this yesterday

I fell behind...
It's now Saturday. Scarlett was sick once this morning but slept fine last night. Since this morning she seems to be better and is holding her food down so far.
Liam is out again. He is at a tutorial today and as at the allotment this morning. I miss having him around but want him to do the stuff that needs doing. Last night he upset me anyway by doing one of his 'other men I must be sleeping with' comments. I went to bed and did my best to ignore how it made me feel. It's amazing how fast I can get to sleep even when annoyed. I think of my baby and I fall asleep on a happy thought every single night.

Hopefully we'll get painting tonight; purple for the front room at last. I'm going to change the colour of the photo frame edges to match and dye the furniture, or dye throws for them. I want a couple of cushions too.

Frazer needs shoes!
FGS he goes through them so fast! He's worn out his last pair without growing out of them. His wide feet and tendency to having ingrown toenails means that he needs width fitted shoes, which means Clarks as Startrite are too costly and hard to come by for me.
Clarks don't come cheap though, especially at the rate that my lot need them. Less than 2 weeks ago I got Frazer some cheap Tesco shoes just to tide him over until I could afford proper ones and he's almost worn through these already. Was going to take him to Clarks today but 1) we spent over £20 more than normal on shopping today and 2) I'm not sure I want to risk Scarlett on the buses yet. Liam is going to jiggle money around so that we can get the shoes, but the trip will have to wait until tomorrow; I'll go while Liam is at his mums with the other two.

Tonks is still going
How long do dogs bleed for!? It was two weeks yesterday and it's when she stops bleeding that I have to worry about apparently because then she will be fertile and other dogs will take an interest. I'm getting her neutered and chipped as soon as I can now that she's had her first season. Ideally I'd wait until she is about 2 and a half years old, but I don't want to risk it - for fears of stray dogs and it makes her more of a target for theft. After my old dog was stolen I'm not taking any chances.

Earth Hour Tonight
So our lights will all be off between 8 and 9pm and I will be having either the computer OR the TV on, lol. Only problem is that if we are decorating we could probably do with some light!
I hope plenty of people join in, there's really not much reason not to, and it all makes a difference. Together, everyone can make a difference.

Leaping from one down to another

Leaping from one down to another - that's how I feel half the time now.

It's a shame, because I'd been doing so well this weekend. Liam was fabby with the kids, I was happy, we gutted out the house, children even tidied(!) and we're making plans to decorate.

Back at school today and I'm worried about leaving Tonks all day, Frazer's almost worn through his cheap shoes already, I need to pay school dinner money for Scarlett, I have to get on with my coursework and I've found out that Frazer is struggling even more than I had thought at school.

In short; school time begins and reality hits me with a large, sharp slap in the face.

Listing the above in more (painful) detail:

Tonks is still bleeding - I'm taking her out on the long line in case she gets all hormonal and runs away - I am sporting burn marks on my hand to prove that she found a friend today - I think it was only because she wanted to play though, nothing more. But then the bleeding hasn't stopped yet and that's when the urges start apparently.
There's so many stray and free roaming dogs around here that I don't even dare walk her at a normal hour, let alone let her off lead! It's not fair on her, and she's chewing the house again dammit. Can't wait to get her neutered now.

Frazer completely knackered his last pair of shoes. I have to get him width fitted because of his toes (and fat feet) but Clarks shoes are so lovely and soft that he wears through them! I bought him a cheap pair of Tesco shoes bout a week ago to tide him over until I could afford new Clarks but he's scraped right through all the plastic coating already.

Dinner money for Scarlett wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't already have to pay back loan money, store card, money Liam spent on decorating stuff yesterday and countess other things Liam has paid for that I'm supposed to give back. We aren't as separated with money as it sounds (I think!) but Liam's money is all bills stuff so if I spend any I have to pay it back really.

Coursework is not a happy subject. I don't mind reading the novels, but hate the OU study books. I got my first assignment back and was shocked to see I had a 65% grade - I thought I would fail it for sure. I've not even forced myself to read the comments yet though - I'm so scared of what they will say.

I rummaged through the book-bags at bedtime today and found two sheets of paper with the alphabet on - one in lower case and one in upper case. I asked Frazer what they were for and he told me that a teacher takes him to learn his alphabet better with them. I asked if he meant writing his letters, or remembering them and he said both.
Both!? FFS he's beyond that I know he is! Is he playing dumb at school or is he really doing that badly?
Its so upsetting because he started off so well with his reading. I knew he lacked confidence so I built him up on that so that he could have something to excel at and he did! This was back in reception class - the teachers there were lovely too and really worked on building up his confidence. and then he got sick, but he pulled through that ok...
Then year one and bloody Brenda's class. I'm sure that did no good for him at all. I know it's easy to lay the blame at someone else's feet, but she really knocked his confidence back, and it was never strong to begin with.
He's in Jane's class now, and she's lovely, but she has told me she has to keep him in the lower group because even if he was capable of more, she has to keep him with stuff he can do, so that it doesn't knock his confidence all the more.
But I want to push him! I don't want to upset him though. Scarlett is doing so well - I'm worried that she will over take him soon and that really wont help how he feels. I'm kicking myself for not keeping up the reading all the time at home - it just gets so hard, we are all tired and have enough in our days to fill them.

So I'm having a slump. again.
You know, last week on Thursday I actually called my GP (had to leave a message, think she's on annual leave) to find out about this therapy I'm supposed to be on a waiting list for. I know what causes my problems, I just need to figure out ways of dealing with them.
I realised today that I have to get my eating and exercise back on track, because soon I'm going to end up fasting again, or vomiting, and I don't want to do either. For ages I've been telling myself that I want to be at my target weight before we start TTC but really I know more importantly I need to be of sound mind. I really don't want to be starving myself so soon before starting to make a baby.

I want to pull myself back up but I'm so tired. I'm really regretting doing this course, I just don't think I'm clever enough at all. I should have just joined a book club.

White Easter in London

We have snow!!!
I can't believe the weather men were right! Snow in London at Easter! :bounce: It's very fine and only settling on roofs etc, but it's SNOW!!!

Makes me giggle now, I was talking to some Kiwi mums at the BF cafe a couple of months back when we had that really warm spell. They were saying that's it, winter's over! I said Naaahh, we've had no snow yet!
Gotta admit, time was getting on a bit and I thought I might be wrong! lol



Me and Liam had a bit of a row last night, but I'm not entirely sure what about. Well, I know what it was about, but not sure where the bad feeling came from and of course he buggered off out of the room as usual so I was left none the wiser.
We were talking about parenting choices. I mentioned how I make all the decisions when it comes to our children. I rarely say it, but I pointed out how I don't mind this. When an important decision is to be made I bring the subject up with him. I don't often specifically ask him for his views because he never looks in to or reads up on anything, and he never has an opinion.
But I do bring it up! I see the conversation as an invitation for him to give his thoughts if he wants to - and as I have pointed out I would *gladly* take them on board.

I would prefer that he thought about something and cared enough to research it a little, even if it meant that he disagreed with my decision. I would prefer for us to make a decision together.
He says it will only lead to arguments, and that I come across as a 'dictator' style parent.
I don't want to be that kind of parent! As I pointed out to him, I do invite his opinions - I could leave the children with never getting vaccinations, I could have formula fed, I could have sent them to the crappy school nearby having never consulted him. Alternatively, I could have done all the things I have done without telling him. He would never have even known about vaccinations - he would never have given it thought how I fed our children because -in my eyes- he doesn't take the time to find these things out.

Now all this time I thought it was because he trusted me enough to make the RIGHT choice. I trust him to go out and get the money to feed us and he trusts me to make the important parenting decisions.
But no - apparently I'm a dictator parent and the reason he doesn't mention anything to me is because he's worried about the argument that he 'knows' will follow.
Of course I asked him for an example. When? Just once - when has he disagreed with me over a decision but been scared to say something? I knew there would be no answer and I was right.
These conversations/arguments *always* go the same way. If the roles were reversed he would accuse me of making it up for the sake of a row.

He tried to finish the conversation by repeatedly saying 'it doesn't matter, it's just me. It's just my view so it doesn't matter' - and I answered every time if it's 'just' you it's the whole of the rest of our parenting relationship!!! There are only two of us parents, so if he disagrees with something then that's half of us undecided - I *need* to know how he feels if he doesn't like something. If he doesn't say anything then how can we be joint in our decisions? He even said that the people I know online have more input in parenting decisions than him. FFS this just made me think *complex!*

So he got up and went downstairs. Following him would only make matters worse so I rolled over and was asleep within seconds.
I do find that funny I value my sleep FAR too much to be one of these people that can't sleep on an argument! lol Or maybe I'm just too shattered after each long day.

I don't like kung fu

This is going to be garbled. Maybe long winded.



Today at kung fu, I started crying. I was in the toilets and Rowan noticed me. He asked why I was sad, I told him it was because things were just too difficult or something like that. He went back to the class and I locked myself inside a toilet cubicle in case anyone else came in and saw me sobbing.



Why. I can't give specific reasons I think. I dislike the instructor above Liam because once he completely leapt on me in a defensive spiel because I had dared to say that I help run a breastfeeding cafe. Apparently his wife had been encouraged rather strongly to breastfeed without adequate help to keep her going and now she feels angry and guilty. This is how I see it.
How they see it I think is that she was forcibly pushed in to breastfeeding but she couldn't do it, and then was made to feel guilty when she gave up.
I tried to point out at the time that sadly, not enough support is available to mums that want to breastfeed, but you would be surprised at how intimidating a father can get when the occasion arises. He's much bigger than me, not to mention a martial arts expert - I'm intimidated by men at the best of times, and Liam didn't do or say a thing to help me. Even now he doesn't get it.

agh, there's so many reasons.

I hate going because of Rowan. He wants to go but takes part in less than half of the class. He only wants to do what he sees as achievable and interesting. He pushes in front of other children when they queue to go on the pads. He cries when he feels he has got something wrong. He is moody, he is an embarrassment.

Liam gets snippy at me. I am not allowed to make a suggestion but I don't know why! i think maybe he feels that I'm trying to take over 'his thing' and he doesn't even look to see why I might say something.
I'm very aware (and he is to an extent) that his longer term members might feel put out at this new kiddie kung fu thing, so I tried to catch Liam's eye when a black belt member showed up, who was obviously uncomfortable with taking part with the kiddie bit as the other lower belts had done. He was not doing as everyone else were doing and it would have been best to send him to do his thing straight away IMO than leave it until the black belt approached him.
But it's not my place to say.
It's also not my place to tell Frazer that it's OK to do a kick in a certain way, even though it's fine for other parents to say this to their children. Liam had chosen an easier kick this week, but Frazer wanted to prove that he could do the harder one. He obviously wanted Liam to notice his achievement too (he was trying so hard, bless him), but all Liam noticed was my saying something that he didn't want me to say. He didn't look any further than this.

I hate exercise anyway. I want to give it a go, I want to get better - especially as I'm doing this bloody race for life thing, but we don't do all that much exercise at the kiddie class anyway, and I can't stay behind for the later one with the children hanging around. Don;t think I'd want to anyway, with my inferiority complex going on.

baby baby baby

OK, OK, I know I should be working, but I can't.

My god I'm so broody. You wouldn't believe how I feel right now. I'm supposed to be waiting until may half term to get the coil out, and then another couple of months until beginning TTC, but that's forever!
I want a baby, a tiny little newborn, I want one now.

Every night before I fall asleep, I think about holding my newborn child. Smelling their fuzzy little head, stroking their soft skin. Keeping them warm, feeding, changing, dressing, carrying... It's on my mind so much, it's my true happy thought.

I imagine having a girl, I imagine having a boy. Twins, or triplets even. Their loose skin a birth, their podgy cheeks within no time at all. I love how they smell, I adore it when they get to that very early stage of just being able to smile, but not quite getting it right yet - that newborn valiant effort trying to please mummy and daddy. Or the way they gaze in to the air, trying to make sense of the world...

I picture being pregnant, feeling my baby grow inside me, kicking about, listening to me.
I long to give birth, safe and secure in my own home. I want to see those teenie little wonky 'duckling yawns', as Liam puts it.

I have names all picked out, I hope that he or she will be a little smaller than the siblings I have already had, but know I would be happy at any size or sex.

I keep looking at baby clothes, and I keep looking at maternity stuff; online and in shops. Looking at slings and prams. I hide from Liam the pages that I've left open where I'm looking at pregnancy jeans etc, but I don't know why I'm hiding it.
Probably because he's not bothered I guess. He will comment on me looking at stuff, but go no further - I feel like I'm being naughty, I wish he would tell me that he wants to do this too, without my prompting. I know it wont happen though, but I am grateful that he is OK with it at all. He is lovely

I wish I could do this now. But wait I must!

Two for Joy

Twice today I've seen a pair of magpies together. I'm hoping this is a good sign! I've asked Liam to get two lotto lucky dips, lol.

Well not much happened at all today, nothing that could be classed as 'joy' anyway. We got to school late as usual, morning was ok, Rowan got bitten again this afternoon (school dealt with it very well, head teacher phoned to tell me they considered it unacceptable and would be sending the boy home if it happens again etc), Rowan is dealing with it fine though.
Took ages to get home, Scarlett wet herself again and we were all a bit soggy from the rain. Liam's parcels have arrived - a big food processor and an even bigger food mixer.

I'm still waiting for the luck! lol

I've been having a re-think about where we live. I can not and never have been able to fault this house at all. It's spacious, secure and the heating works. We are all happy living in it and the only thing that's got me down has been the area. But I'm thinking about that.
i think I need to get over it. Well, that's putting it simply. I've been obsessing over moving, thinking constantly about getting an exchange etc, but then realised - there' snot many places out there that would have enough space for our dining table. Hang on, that means out kitchen is pretty big - no, it's huge!
We have three generous bedrooms, the smallest room on the smallest wall still is big enough to fit a bed along it with space at the end!

Our house is lovely, but then I realised - our HOUSE. It's still not a home. We've never decorated, and only have proper flooring downstairs! So I need to work on that. I'll carry on FLYing (flylady) and I need to start thinking about decorating. I also need to get over the hang up of where we live. Everyone else manages fine - so can we.

So that's the plan. I need to decorate and get flooring. I'm going to mural the kid's room, I'm trying to convince them to go with Peter Pan. I was thinking I could just paint the floorboards to match! I want soft, shaggy carpet for our room and i want things nice.

anyone got the money to pay for it?

Liam seems to be feeling better today. He was cheerier this morning and actually checked me when I started to get loud and stressy! This evening he brought me gorgeous flowers and the kids a magazine each, as he was aware that he had been stressy and angry. I tried to steer him towards the word 'upset' as the children respond better to this I think - less scary.
It's lovely though. Not just for the flowers, but to have my Liam back - even though he has gone off upstairs to study!
Which is what I should be doing now actually....

Work is bringing us all down.

Liam's work company has two offices, he is (obviously) in the London one. Last year the Manchester office stopped doing the admin/copy chasing side and passed it all over to the London office. This means that Liam and K (Liam's manager and the only other person in his dept) have been doing twice the amount of work ever since - and it was enough before this!

Of course this means that times when k is not in, Liam has even more work to do. From what he tells me, it's an impossible amount, but K is entitled to his holiday as much as Liam and their boss would never hire another to help. Apparently a temp would be no good either, as they would need training to know what to do and that's not going to happen.

So this week is the Cheltenham racing, and K happens to be a gambler. Meaning he has this week and most of next week off. Meaning Liam has loads of work to do.
Meaning that Liam is about as moody and miserable as he could possibly be. And to make things worse - he doesn't realise how bad he is. He knows he's 'stressed' but i think he thinks it stops there. Or maybe he's just too tired to give it any thought.

All I have heard this week is screeching, shouting, swearing, stomping about kinds of tantrums - and that's just Liam!
Of course the children follow suit. Frazer has been BELLOWING at Scarlett and Rowan if they do anything less than perfect to his requirements (sooo Liam) and he's getting really frustrated at the drop of a hat.
Scarlett has been super demanding - attention seeking like I've never known before. She's started wetting her knickers again and will annoy her brothers for attention, she purposely winds Liam up to the point where he wants to run away or hit her (he normally explodes shouting obscenities) and she doesn't stop crying and screaming.
Rowan. Well Rowan is Rowan. He's reverted back a little - he was a miserable little mite and he's gone back to that after a nice break containing a happier little boy.

And me?
I just want to go and hide all the time. When Liam is at home he's either freaking out about/at the children, picking arguments with me over the tiniest thing (believe me - we've argued loads over nothing recently) or he's upstairs studying. Tonight he didn't have kung fu - he had cancelled it so he could go to an allotment meeting - and this meant a few more arguments and shoutings before the meeting and another argument when he got back - apparently I rolled my eyes in a dodgy way.

Not helping is that I'm just so tired! I thought I was getting better but I'm going to regret typing this tomorrow as I should be going to bed by now but haven't got the kids clothes or lunch ready for tomorrow yet. Liam keeps saying he will help me out more but obviously words don't change things...

I just can't wait for this fortnight to be over, because I know that even at the weekend things will be intense - he'll spend some time trying to 'come down' after work, and then the rest of his time will probably be devoted to stressing about going in again on Monday.
I wouldn't like to sound so presumtious normally, but I've seen all this happen before, enough times for there to be a definite pattern

Storm Watch

Today is the big storm of this winter apparently. We've been getting SEVERE WEATHER WARNINGS for almost a week now and everyone was told to stay in last night if at all possible. Liam came up with the conspiracy theory that actually there was something BIG going on last night that the powers that be didn't want us to see, lol!

Anyway, I was on my way to bed at midnight, which is when we were told the storm would hit, and nothing happened. I woke up this morning to the sound of heavy rain though. Lots of roads and rail lines have been shut, so we phoned the school just in case, as a lot of the teachers commute. Still open as usual, but a 'wellies and brollies day' according to the office receptionist!

Liam takes Frazer and Scarlett to school on Mondays, as there is no groups for Rowan to go to in the mornings and I can't just make him wonder around all morning until nursery starts. Especially on bad weather days.
Last night I wrote up a STORM PLAN;

• Dress as normal in uniform + waterproofs + wellies
• Wear fleeces with packamacks instead of coats
• Bookbags to go inside carrier bags
• Dry socks, trousers, underwear, shoes and coats to go in carrier bags (separate bag each for Frazer and Scarlett
• These bags to be hung on coat hooks at school with waterproofs in after changing
• Don't forget hats and gloves
• No children's umbrellas
• If the storm is really bad I will take children in later

We just about pulled it together I think! Poor Liam wanted to leave earlier I know he did, as he is doing double-triple the amount of work in the office this week, and he's going to have to get the kids changed at school. I hope he manages it - I know I don't want to be out in the rain really, but I like to be in control myself IYKWIM!

So me and Rowan are tucked up at home. The storm doesn't seem too bad; I can hear a little wind whooshing and our Sky TV keeps cutting out. We've walked too and from school in far heavier rain though!

Noooooo no no no no no no

I'm feeling under the weather.
Not sick enough to be in bed, but definitely no way near 100%. I just want to sit huddled up in as many layers as possible somewhere warm and soft...

I can't!

I have to get three bookday costumes ready and my first assignment is due on thursday, but I have a tutorial tomorrow night so I only have one day to do it really. Then there's all the usual stuff that overwhelms me on a regular day - 'snot fair! I normally get ill in the holidays, I don't have the time right now

*sniffle*

someone kick me out of this chair *coff*

Today is our Mothers' day, today is the day for us mums

Remembering not only how sweet mum was in caring for us when ill, but also the fear when caught scribbling on walls or pulling a sibling's hair! Today is the day to think of our maternal figure, whether it be your biological mother, a grandmother, Aunt, friend, foster mother or the spiritual among us may take this time to look towards Mary, or Mother Earth.

I'm trying to make it as meaningful as it should be for me this year, having never given enough thought before. I am incredibly thankful that my mother took me in as a teen, and held on to me ever since. We don't see enough of each other I suppose, but we always know that the other is there :)

From the other perspective, is this a time to think over my period as a mother?Holding my babies so close in my belly, giving birth, Love and care ever since. My children are still too young to 'get' it all I think, so it is more my time to appreciate being lucky enough to be a mother.
How fortunate are we? To have our babies that will be with us forever, that one day they may feel happy and proud to call me mum and some day become parents themselves.

Happy Mothers day to all the mamas out there.

ElaineXX

Not much going on

Ive not updated in a while, but really not much has been happening.

I'm still gaining weight, albeit very slowly (mercifully!). I'm about 6-7lbs over target now, but making a bit of effort this week.

Back at school this week and it was a bit hard going after only one week off! Maybe it's because Liam was off work with us. Our home is getting increasingly messy, to the point where I'm quite worried that I shall never regain control. There just always seems to be too much to do! I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and likely to get on with stuff today, but then I've already had to take Scarlett to ballet (Liam's at a tutorial) and collect an item for Liam from the sorting office (which wasn't even there after the loooonnnng queue dammit) and then I'll have to whisk Scarlett off to a party this afternoon (do these parties ever end??) so although feeling positive, I probably wont actually get any more than usual done at home.

I had a bit of a landmark moment with Tonks yesterday morning - as I was getting ready to put her lead on and return home, she suddenly saw a teenage boy come in to the park on his way to school and bombed after him faster than you could imagine! I quickly 'pipped' on my whistle and prayed that she would come back; she got within inches of this boy when she stopped and turned back to me like a bullet! Shocked was an understatement - and I was so so proud of her! Of course, as DH pointed out, it would be far better if she never run after him in the first place, but that moment really was a breakthrough and I hope that we can keep with it.
Today she had fun with another pup her age, a male Staff x weimaraner who kept trying to mount her! He really tried to dominate and Tonks lost all assertiveness, that was the first time I've seen her roll over for another dog, lol! But I'm glad in a way, she needs to experience all kinds of dogs while she's young and able to learn better.

Gah - I'm so *tired*!!! I could just fall asleep now, and my eyes are stinging like mad. I didn't go to bed that late and slept well, without getting up as early as usual this morning. Yet every single day I am falling asleep - I wish I knew why.