Fitness and Weightloss

Well I've not been weighed for a week or two now, and I had been awful on the food until recently.
This week I have been trying to make more effort, the past few days have been good for eating I think. But half term isn't as good because I do so much less walking without the school runs. Rowan wants to go to Kung Fu with his daddy and siblings, so now I go too. It's only an hour and really really light exercise as it's aimed for children, but it's more than I was doing I guess.

Means I fall behind on the washing and drying at home though!

I now have a sports bra and briefs, and a suitable pair of trainers for exercise. I'm jogging around the park a (very) little with Tonks in the mornings, but only if no one is there. It's a dual benefit thing - I want to get used to jogging and it kind of adds a 'pack' element to my relationship with her that I hope will help with training.
I'm only managing about 1 minute max though!

I have the 'Pelvicore' DVD, watched it last night and have been clenching ever since. I hope to get on with actually following it along at some point today. Hopefully it will help me tone my belly a bit, but more importantly, condition my pelvic floor so that I can get on with proper fitness stuff. If I stick with it that is.

I really wanted to do the race for life - it's become my 'thing'. I've always wanted to but never have. But it's on the same day Liam does KungFu and he doesn't seem to happy about having the children there while I run.
So there you go. This was suppose to be a post to say that I've signed up for the Race for Life but it's tuned in to a misery one instead. I know I could try to find a babysitter, or different venue etc, but it's just seeming to be not meant to be and I would really, really have liked his support.


...Gah! Men and Women eh?
Now Liam isn't going to the allotment because I'm 'obviously in a mood' and he doesn't want to upset me more. But all I've wanted is for a response along the lines of 'well done for going for it with the race for life this year' - he knows I've wanted to do it for years since it started but never had the guts If he thought about it he'd remember that my biological nan died from breast cancer, my mum's mum is dying from cancer and it's a subject close to my heart.
If he felt he really couldn't deal with all three of our kids that sunday then why not say something like 'I'm really sorry I don't think I'll be able to control them all and keep to the class - I'll hep you find a babysitter though.' ?! What's wrong with a bit of support for a scaredy non-exerciser?
And why why why can't men read women's minds?! And why does this have to be today with PMT hormonal me with a sore belly?

Gah! Poor Frazer

Frazer (aged 6) saw one of these in Asda and *desperately* wanted it from the moment he saw it.
http://tinyurl.com/36hge3
It's a 'Disney Cars Mega Mack Playtown' Reduced to £25 in Asda, costs £39 most places elsewhere.

I was going to buy and save it for his birthday, but he never even asked me for it - he insisted that he was going to save for it straight away. It's taken him weeks (and us inventing lots of chores to be paid for) but he got there today and bought it.

Half the parts were missing from the box.
It was the last one in Asda.
toysRus and other toys shops around here dont have it.

He was nearly crying when we told him that we had to take it back to the shop, and the dissapointment in his face when toysRus didn't have it either was a killer for me. I bought him a small toy and told him I would order it online but so far it's proven to be awkward. I've just found one in an Argos store, I'm going to reserve it but I've no idea how to get there as it's in east london!

Dejected

I've been feeling really low for the past week or two. 'Burning the candle at both ends' is a phrase that springs to mind, but I don't know how I'm doing more than usual really.

Previously, I had been going to bed often between 1:30-2am and getting up between 7-7:30. Now I get up at 6:15 (or thereabouts) but I'm shattered by 11pm! I've lost a couple of hours somewhere...
I'm getting up earlier to walk Tonks for longer. Often a child or two comes with me, Frazer and whoever else is dressed. We go to the park around the corner and come back just as the sun is rising, half an hour later. I think it's helping a little, I hope.

I've been stressing about her eating and chewing everything, so I'm trying to find ways to stop it. I've been trying to get the children to school on time and pick them up promptly too. I need to keep up with my reading (way behind) and try to keep our home in order while also trying to keep track of my spending and trying not to stress about going overdrawn on an account that does not have an overdraft...
I am not succeeding at all of these.

Consequently, when Valentines Day rolled around I was just not in the mood. I moaned about having to pick a card that would be discarded within days, probably only looked at once, costs £3 and just doesn't connect with my feelings in any way. I was also moody because Liam completely and utterly spoiled me last year, with champagne, flowers and chocolates delivered, a meal at a posh restaurant with a burlesque show and presents too! Not only this but he was smitten with me, made me feel gorgeous and the night after it all was pretty good too!
This year I knew he was broke, he had told me that he had got me a little gift and if anything this upset me more. I had nothing - no money at all to buy him a present, no mind to make a gift and no energy to make a 'present' of myself. I've been completely lacking in self confidence and hating my body. Our Love life has been near non existent and I don't feel that he wants me like he did once. So this coupled together made me want to make an effort even less.

Anyway, the 14th rolled around and he gave me two gifts - I gave him a card. It was a nice card, but I didn't write much in it, and after his, and the gifts, I felt guilty!
In my first present was a gorgeous cardigan - I'm wearing it now and did yesterday too. He said he tried to find one like the one he gave me for Christmas that I loved so much but couldn't find one. This is lovely though. In this present was also a keyring with a kind of digital photo album on - so that I don't have to keep all my pics on my camera memory to show people!
the second gift took the biscuit though - a river boat cruise with a 3 course gourmet meal, followed by a trip on the London Eye for the two of us.
I resolved to make an effort that day, I had been tempted but he pushed me in to feeling better about it all; he truly is my darling.

I got the house tidied as best as I could, while trying to do a (very) basic dinner for the children (as Liam was going to be late home). Needless to say, the dinner was not all that, but they ate enough. I had bought some strawberries and galaxy chocolate for a fondue set I've never used (I'm a Cadburies girl but Galaxy is the best for melting). Liam (sweetheart!) bought me some Diet coke, Lindors and Champagne on the way home, then ordered takeaway for dinner. I suggested we watch a film, so we sat down to the *very* unromantic Transformers movie on sky box office. It was very enjoyable though!

So he's been lovely, he has next week off, next week is half term holidays, I have time to train and be with Tonks, play with kids, the house is tidier than it has been in a while, my OU grant came in today - so why am I feeling Sad and Dejected?
You may well ask I suppose.

One of the things that had really been bringing me down was the thought that I might not be able to cope with another baby just yet. Rational mind says that it's about a year away until a baby would arrive, so plenty can change and I wouldn't be doing my course then, but panic mode says that I'm stressing and tired and broke because of life as it is now - can I really add to it?
Well this morning I felt positive for the first time in ages. I could safely look at baby clothes once again, without it making me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, or start stressing at the sight of a pushchair without understanding why. A lot of it was unconscious I think.

Still not got it though - I've still not told you.

Today I phoned Liam and while on the phone (in my unusual upbeat and cheerful mood) I checked with him, as I have done before, that he is definitely still OK with having another baby. He said he is, but he's worried because if he gets this PCSO job, then policing hours might mean he's not here to help get kiddies ready for school etc.
Now really, I don't think another baby will make this harder than the impossibility it already feels like - we'd just cope as we would without a baby - I'd have him/her strapped on to keep quiet and snug, we'd do it.
But dodgy hours threw me, I hadn't thought about it and then I suddenly couldn't stop. He's said he can stick with this job if I want him to, but I do NOT want him to. His happiness is important to me - so important. I don't know why all this makes me think I should delay trying for a baby, but it has. It's the uncertainty of how long to delay for, or whether we should at all, that is making me feels sick, stressed and sad once again.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost - so lost. I don't know what or who to cling on to and feel as though I'm wondering around without a clue of what to do or where to go.
I hate feeling upset like this.

I'd better go do dinner now, and get on with trying to enjoy the week holiday.

Tonks

I don't know what to do to help Tonks. She's 8 months old now and at some point I thought that the chewing and scratching of our house had got better, but we are going downhill again.

She only does it when not with us, so it can happen over night or while we are out.
She goes in to the utility room at night where she has a bed that is also a 'safe place' for her, ie, when there we don't disturb her. She used to chew the lino, but that seems to have got better. I sprayed everything with anti-bite stuff and it seemed to help. But she scratches at the walls - she's removed loads of plaster in there now. Not every night, but often I find piles of white dust on the floor

In the day time I let her have the run of our large kitchen, passage and utility room. I used to allow the living room but she kept finding things like DVDs to chew and as they are kept in there, I just decided to shut the door in the end. I think she still has enough space. Originally we only let her stay in the utility room, but she was taking it apart so much I had to change things. We tried using a crate but she was petrified of it. We tried for over 2 weeks to coax her in to it, but she would only even go near it once or twice. So that was when I went the opposite route and tried giving her more space to see if it would help, and it did, but only for a few weeks Now I find that when we are out and she is free downstairs, she is chewing what ever she can find.

I'm now dreading coming home each day. She has eaten loads of post - I'm getting a letter box cage thing, but worry that her not having post to shred will mean she destroys our house all the more. Yesterday afternoon we were out for 2 and a half hours and later I noticed that she had chewed a load of the skirting board on the stairs.

It's driving Liam mad, he's not nearly as doggy sympathetic as me but is trying.
Of course every time he gets angry I take it as a personal insult as Tonks is my dog and my responsibility. She can't help how she is but I need to help her - I just don't know how! I'm in almost all of the weekend, most of monday. From tuesday to friday I'm out from 8:30-16:15 but I have a neighbour to come in and see Tonks these days. But this doesn't seem to matter if she starts after being left for just over 2 hours.

So what can I do? I leave her toys, chew toys, cuddly toys, a bottle with holes in and kibble inside for her to roll out. A hollow 'bone' toy that I fill with food for her to work at getting out. As she seemed to like shredding so much I tried putting treats in folded down carboard tubes, she loves this but it doesn't help her to stop eating the house.
I'm taking her for a half hour walk in the morning, giving her a real chance to work off some energy and Darling Liam takes her out in the evenings for about 15 minutes for an on-lead walk even though he doesn't want to. This is about right I think - I've often read that it should be 5 minutes for every month of age per day until they are 13 months old. But now I'm thinking of upping it.
I try to do some clicker training with her each evening, but am not always able to, so we play fetch for a bit instead. What else can I do?! She's still messing and weeing indoors sometimes, but that's something I can deal with. If she keeps chewing and clawing our home apart then I'm worried that it will cause serious rifts with Liam.

I like the idea of clanging a baking tray if I catch her chewing or scratching - I'm sure it will scare the crap out of her, but I'm also certain it will WORK. I just need to figure out how to set her up so that she thinks we are all out.

Can I confess to you please? I know that here I (hopefully!) wont get judged.
I'm scared - I think I've taken on too much! I so so so so don't want to lose Tonks as I had to with Clifford, but then I know now that getting Clifford was a PND induced mistake of a decision. He was lovely but I couldn't do it.
Before we got Tonks I had huuuge broody feelings, and huuuuge doggie urges too. I didn't have to get a puppy, but prefered it because of the children. I knew I was fine with having a DOG and not just a 'cute puppy' IYKWIM?
But now I'm so worried that I'm not going to be able to cater for what she needs - I never expected things to end up so hard. It's not Tonks at all, it's our situation changes. I wanted to start TTC in a few months but now I'm worried that we wont be able to. I'm supposed to be doing an English Lit degree, but I'm worried I will have to give it up.

I just don't have enough time at home anymore, I can't seem to get organised even when I am in, but I'm trying, I really am!
I can take waiting for Tonks to be mature and chewing less (I know most dogs mature at 2, but Labs are more likely to be 3) but I wonder how much destruction she can do in those 2.5 years!

From bad to worse - a Rant

Last night I received some unnerving news online, and ended up staying up until about 1am wracking my brains with online friends trying to think of a solution. I allowed myself an extra hour in bed as a result and set the alarm for 7am to walk Tonks.

things were going ok, Tonks had a fab time, the world was beautifully clear and frosty, met a couple of nice dog walkers and then we went home. Oh, I should mention that another dog broke the rope/string bit to Tonks' ball that we always take out - no problem, I can get a new one.

Then home and my heart begins to sink. I'm dreading kung fu today. I hate going there - the only people i know are my children, and they keep running off and ignoring me. Liam is the centre of attention being the teacher, and he's more at home there than he is at home! Everyone is good at kung fu except me - I'm unfit, uncoordinated and almost untrainable. I thought today might be better where the kiddy class is now separate from the main bit, so I'd only be running around with other children like a couple of other parents.
Well it would have been nice if Rowan kept his enthusiasm. He and Scarlett looked beautiful in their genuine satin chinese outfits, and Frazer had his kung fu t-shirt on. i knew I should have got a couple of photos before we started, as it was never going to be nice after.

Rowan cried his way, loudly, through most of the class. When he did want to take part he had to do it his way, and exactly when he wanted - even if this meant pushing in front of another child. He expected sweeties when we had finished, and as much as I hate to use food as a reward or punishment, I refused him - he had done nothing to deserve anything nice.
Frazer and Scarlett started off well, but soon deteriorated in to moans of 'I'm too tired' or 'That tickles too much' Or 'I'm too hot, too thirsty...' Which was especially annoying in the children's self defence bit, where they had the chance to learn some very clever and very easy techniques on how to escape a child snatcher.

We left at the end of the class, with me thoroughly deflated and Scarlett crying as she wanted to stay behind for the adult bit as usual. The bus wait was long and annoying but the bus was even worse. Every seat was taken, and despite me having three young and obviously tired children, do you think anyone would offer a place?
I was furious, but all internal - apart from grinding my teeth and biting my tongue! - If I had any energy left I'd have been raising my voice to calls of 'you should all be ASHAMED!' One quick look around tells you that 90% of these people have just left church - all in their sunday best and half of them holding Bibles. 'What would Jesus say?!' I wanted to ask - 'shouldn't you be loving your fellow man?!' Grrr I was so mad.
I have a tired 6 year old, a crying 5 year old and a 3 year old who is so tiny he looks like he' 2. Each of them at some point fell over while trying to clutch on to a post or bar. Frazer fell flat on his face and didn't even get an offer of help to get him up again. Scarlett went flying and I was only just able to grab her back again, as i had to keep my balance while hanging on to Rowan. She was holding her earmuffs, so I tried, one handed, to get them back on her head (giving her two hands to hold on with) but they pinged in her eye in the process, ensuing more screams and wails from an already miserable child.

Eventually Someone got off and so I grabbed the vacated seat and put a child on each knee as any responsible parent would. Did I mention that the fold down seats were obstructed by pushchairs and that at least 3 seats were taken up by children sitting next to their parents?
Scarlett and Rowan both fell asleep on my lap pretty quick, and Frazer only got to sit down when another person got off and that was a difficulty, as it meant I had to stand up to let her off, while holding on to two sleeping children on a moving and packed bus!

I hope Karma bites these rotten, selfish people on the arses with rusty, barbed teeth.


So then we get off at Asda, me with the idea of cheering us all up by buying Tonks a new jingly bll on a rope. Something happy is needed as I know that Scarlett and Rowan will not react well to being woken as we get off. I lost Rowan's new shoe as we got off, but thankfully Frazer saw it and had the sense to grab it.
In to Asda and eventually we find the ball we are after - but where is that £5 I'm sure I had? The children are being lovely now but I have no money. We go outside to check and I have -£2.44. With an account that has no overdraft - how has this happened? It's supposed to refuse my transactions, not do this!
So no ball either. And I lost my new watch at kung fu.

Quickie - Rowan at school

I'm hard pressed for time as I'm trying to get to bed earlier - but I'll go in to that another time...

I never ever thought I would be the kind of parent to say it, and least of all about Rowan of all children(!?!) but school has done him wonders!

He's happy there - he runs off to play with his special friend Bonny, who is the little sister of Scarlett's best friend. As she is a full timer, she waits for him every day - he even tried to propose to her the other day! He told me 'Mummy I Love my best friend Bonny' and then later asked her 'Bonny, when we are big will you marry me?' But bless him - she didn't hear so he will never know what the answer would have been! I think the moment has passed for now, lol

Rowan is social - he is now saying hello and goodbye to at least one of his teachers on most days. He is now for the first time in his life taking part in the actions of childrens' rhymes when people can see. I've always known that he can as I've seen him (especially when he thinks I can't see) but he's never done it at toddler groups or with me etc.

I may have blogged about it, but I had to have a change of attitude with him. I was getting super stressed - building up over quite a period of time. Being around Rowan was no fun; he was demanding, whiney, whingey, moaney and would never let me have a moments peace. I could not put a foot right with anything I id for or around him and i got to the point where I just wanted to cry all the time. The women that run the library group even got me referrals to family help and support people. Fortunately these so far haven't been needed since i had my light-bulb moment.
I think it was coming anyway, because I usually can see when these things need to happen, but there was a specific moment when I realised that this may partly be my doing.
I don't know precisely what was happening, but at some point I said to Rowan 'oh you are my good boy aren't you?' (a risky thing to say as he always hated compliments) and he said; 'No Mummy Frazer is your good boy, I'm your grumpy boy'

AAAHHHHH!!!!!!

What had I done? I had created this little terror! I had moulded the poor boy in to a self fulfilling prophecy, knowing full well that he was grumpy. i used to joke about it, and it was an easy thing to slip out when he was being horrible to me (and everyone else around, but mainly me). There's no denying that he certainly was a grumpy and high needs child, but my reinforcing this had hindered his chances of moving out of that stage.

Well anyway, I shall not sully blame myself, but I do believe that I had probably made things a bit worse, or prolonged things.

School however, ha brought him out of himself.
when he first started, I remember him crying because he wanted to draw Tonks (our puppy) but was frustrated because he couldn't do it like the illustrations we see in childrens' books! I never knew how hard it could be to explain to a 3 year old that most children his age don't draw that way! The same thing would often come up with things like reading, running, writing, singing - you name it. But then this all ties in with his dislike of compliments too.
Well now he accepts with pleasure! I tell him that his drawing is fantastic and he says he knew that! I tell him he's clever but he already knows! I'm so happy for him, it's so nice to see this joy in his little eyes - I think he is happy to be with other children his age and at his stage of development. He's no longer the youngest one, as he is with his siblings, and he has many activities surrounding him which are aimed at his stage of development.

And he LOVES the school computers!

good thing I blogged (changed title!)

Oh I'm not having a good day
...and so much for not being moany on here, huh.

I convinced Liam to take F&S to school this morning, meaning that Rowan and I do not need to wonder around for a few hours waiting for nursery to start. We got to spend some nice time at home, playing together on the Wii and he played about while I surfed for a bit.
Then I began gutting the spare room for Liam - he really needs somewhere to study, we have the desk and everything, just no space to put it anywhere! The stuff I found in there - you wouldn't believe. There's tonnes of stuff waiting to be ebayed, loads of Liam's photography magazines (never knew he had so many!) and loads of kung fu stuff plus a load of toys that I dont trust the children with alone (magnetix and beads etc).
I think I did ok actually - and a real plus point was finding a box full of Lush bath ballistics! Probably way out of date by their standards, but still smell yummy even though some colours are fading a bit.

I think I've managed to convince Liam to ask about flexible hours on mondays - just a little so that he can take the big two to school. It's just not fair on Rowan to be out so long with nowhere to rest. Liam tends to be in about 20 minutes late, and says he's thinking of just taking it off his lunch break so that he doesn't have to work late.

I got Rowan off to school and then dropped the Lost DVD off to Maria, who is feeling really sick, bless her. She never gets properly ill, and even when she is ill she works if she can! So to be kept in bed today she must really be feeling yuck. I do hope that Lost cheered her up. I think it did, from what the text she sent me said. I've come up with some theories on Lost today, nothing major - I tend to go for the small stuff that never seems to surface in a big way - but I've often been right!

I tried to get started on course reading this afternoon. I did get some done before starting to doze off! I wish I knew how to prevent this - it's driving me mad falling asleep every time I pick up a book to read.
I'm feeling so apprehensive about this course, with no idea whether I can do it or not. I can't decide whether my apathy is because I genuinely just can't be bothered or whether it stems from fear of failure. It's jut so overwhelming, everything I have to do, plus I was just really enjoying not having to do so much these past few months.
Still, I have no choice now. the course has been paid for as I'm on a low income, so if I don't make an effort I will have to pay the grant back, which I just can't do at all. Getting my book allowance would be really handy though - there's so much I need to buy at the moment and spending my money on books is not helping. I don't have the money for the books actually.
I've made a list of things i need/want to buy, things that I have been thinking of for ages but either never have the money or they just get forgotten when there is money around. So far there is;
Dog food (ordered tonight - a sack full)
Wedding Dress Cleaning (overdue I think!)
2nd hand Freezer (so I can get Tonks on to a RAW diet)
Dog training book (there's one in particular I want, might motivate me)
Carpet/flooring (for stairs and bedrooms)
Wedding Dress Storage box (no point cleaning otherwise)
Glasses (my eyes are stinging so badly recently!)

I've no idea when things will be bought at all, but hoped it will make me feel more organised. It does, a bit. a very little bit, lol.

I fell asleep this evening while trying to read. I think I lasted 10 minutes at the very maximum! not got any done since then - part of me is scared to try in case I nod off again and wake up at 2am or something ridiculous.

Actually, I have achieved things today haven't I? Just as well I blogged actually as otherwise I'd just be getting more and more depressed. now all I need to do is hang on to the fact that I have done stuff, I am worthy and I can carry on doing things...

I'm actually a bit more stressy now! (and then less)

After a long day...

I had a nice time this morning, quiet time playing with Rowan mainly. He didn't want to go to Kung Fu, and I don't blame him with how angry Liam can get on the lead up to leaving because he doesn't get prepared the night before and hates being late.
As soon as Scarlett got home we had to dash off to a soft play for yet another party. As she is in reception class, all the children in there are born the same time of year and there are a LOT of parties to attend! I think next week is the last one, thank goodness! But Frazer has one on the same day...
Was manic at the soft play and Scarlett was not happy. She was generally whingy, would wail in agony if anyone so much as touched her, was thirsty but wouldn't drink, didn't want to play etc, etc. I tried my hardest and think she actually had a good time in the end though.
We mums still managed to have a good gossip despite the noise. I really like the bunch of mums in Scarlett's class, and I think I talk to them much more than those from Frazer's class. I'm finding out more and more about one boy in the class who seems to be picking on each child one by one and bullying them. I can't stand this little boy - I'm very accepting and friendly usually, but I honestly can't see anything likable in him, and his mother is very much the kind of person that will never discipline him at all - a 'boys will be boys' person, no matter how much he hurts others.
He's been sent to the head teacher for telling the muslim children in their class that 'all muslims are stupid', he (and his mother) have got in to trouble for bullying a more boisterous (in an acceptable way!) boy, then he moved on to someone else when the mums argued over this. The next boy he picked on happens to have a mother who is very sick at the moment, possibly with cancer. Fortunately he no longer seems to bully this child, but moved on to Scarlett's best friend, and today I found out that he has been hitting the smallest boy in their class - a lovely little boy who needs a supporting frame to walk as meningitis destroyed his legs as a baby.
It just makes me sick! I'm not a confrontational person at all, but I'm getting so wound up from hearing so many parents' accounts of the bullying that if he ever started on Scarlett I am sure that I would explode in his mother's face!

Anyway, we left the (noisy!) party and went on to Liam's parents. Of course being late we were there long enough to see Liam's dad - a lovely man but boy is he loud! Especially around my children, and even more especially when he's just come back from the pub. Oh I just wanted to hide and sleep somewhere quiet!

I have been wracking my brains all day, trying to think of who I could ask to come and look after the kids while I go to tutorials. I still can't believe they fall on a bloody wednesday! Typical.
So on the way home from Liam's mum's house I'm panicking. I'm not sure I even want to do this course any more - I've enjoyed the time off between courses too much and now value getting to have not-study-time. I'm behind already, unable to afford my books and can't see a way possible for me to get to tutorials. I tell Liam 'I don't know why I'm doing this course anyway, I'm not going to be able to do it. All I'm good at is f***ing making babies' I was so down and depressed.
So he replied 'well just stick with that then!' in a really moody voice. Not helped by the fact that recently he has said a number of times (fair enough often jokingly but still...) that he wants no more children.
I could have cried. I would have, in fact, if i were by myself. Worst of all, I was sure that he didn't realise at all how much it had cut me.

Still, he's apologised since, when I told him that it really hurt my feelings. I am feeling better to the point that i didn't need to finish my chocolate Flake(!)

Better still is that I have contacted Ashleigh, my 13 year old sister in law. She is going to babysit on the wednesdays when I am at tutorials. I'm going to really have to prep the kids in advance and pray they are good for her. I'll also have to dash home that day (Frazer has percussion after school so we wont get in until after 5pm probably and I need to leave by 6!), get them in to pyjamas quick and feed them quicker!
I'm worried that Ashleigh will have to deal with getting them in to bed. Although they go down ok at other people's houses, I'm not sure how it will pan out at home. Still, her mum isn't far (max 15 minutes walk), I'll be on the other end of the phone and if it comes to it, the kids stay up and are tired the next day. I was worried that it would compromise Ashleigh's education (apparently school are already talking to her about Oxford and Cambridge!) but as it wont be that often, and TBH she probably goes to bed between 10 and 11 anyway when at home - well she and her mum are ok with it, and I do really appreciate it.

lol - i just had to amend my title - I was super stressed when I began typing but stuff has happened since and I'm less stressed!

Lost has also been on - I've been waiting for it for months! Liam's spoiled it by going on and on about Sawyer. OK, he would argue that but over time he has gone on about it a lot, and Liam is the master of getting the message across without saying anything. I can't believe how we've gone from looking forward to Lost - I used to Love watching it with him! - to him being so moody about it that it practically spoils the whole thing for me.
And all because he found out that I find one man attractive. sheesh. any red-blooded male would have a few women on their list, and most women are the same! Surely it shows hat I'm normal rather than a whore? OK, he hasn't called me a whore(!) but the implication that he is very uncomfortable with the whole idea is always there.
Back to Lost though - fantastic! I really enjoyed getting back in to it, though of course many many questions have been thrown at me and nothing much answered at all. there was a really scary bit - very Blair Witch, which I just don't like at all, but then I'm a wuss!

I'd better get off and ready for school now. i suppose I should take my course book with me tomorrow, have to carry it around all day though. i wish wish WISH Liam would agree to taking the kids to school on a monday - I wont mind doing dinner if he has to work a little later (but would people mind eating it?!) and it's just not fair to make Rowan walk around all morning in the cold and wet when nursery tires him out enough without any walking at all. I feel so sorry for the poor mite; if it tires me then it must really affect him. If Liam could take the other two to school on mondays then I could take Rowan in the carrier to school in the afternoon, and we would actually get a chance to sit indoors for a morning! I could get stuff done!
that's another thing you don't wanna get me started on - why is it I feel I have to do the bulk of everything in the home when in actual fact I'm only indoors half an hour more than Liam is each day?!

Agh I'm so nervous

My tutor for this year's OU course phoned me yesterday to introduce herself.

1, this makes everything more real, and makes the course more NOW and not 'some time in the future'

2, I have found out that the tutorials with her are on Wednesday evenings - the night DH teaches Kung Fu! So I can't go to them at all. I can go to tutorials with another tutor, but I find it's really not the same - I want to know what my tutor expects of me, as she is the one that will be marking my work.

3, I've realised that my course started yesterday. Yes, YESTERDAY. And I'm only half way through the third book of my long booklist of which I am supposed to try to read before the course starts. I did start reading ages ago, but obviously not got far - which leads me to wonder whether I can get anywhere on this course at all?!
I also haven't ordered the last book needed (that can't be bought in shops apparently) and I don't have most of the books from my book list yet, but borrowing them from the library until I get my book grant.

It's a level 2 course now, which apparently is a fair step up from level one (last year I did level one) and I don't even feel like I can leanon DH too much, as he starts his Law Degree in earnest this month.

Oh bugger, I really am nervous now - I haven't even started to look at my work books yet. Eep.

The Bunny Picnic

Went well!
Scarlett and her little friend are both so shy, but actually managed to talk to each other a bit today, in between feeding their bunnies and munching on their own 'picnic' food. We had to rush Asda in order to get he food in before guests arrived - I don't know what is happening there; all of a sudden Asda seems to be constantly packed, yet they never open more tills! Having friends over is good though - we get a good kick up the bum to tidy up, lol! But it probably means that so much stuff has been chucked in my room I'll barely be able to reach my bed...

Liam spent his time at the allotment today, just digging over really, as it's still too cold for planting most stuff. He found some old potatoes in the part he was going to plant some of his own in, which apparently isn't good, as you aren't supposed to plant two lots of potatoes in the same place because of bacterias.
I wish we could take Tonks there. I understand why dogs are not allowed, of course, but it would be so handy in getting her walking, and me out of the house more. I hate being too scared to walk her as much as I want to.

Not much else got done today, but I had a really nice relaxing time with the mum of Scarlett's friend. The boys were both quite well behaved, I'm glad to say, but I do wonder if Scarlett and her friend may have interacted better without the noisy boys present.
Still, there's a party tomorrow, so a chance to be a socialite for Scarlett once again!

I'm actually starting to get tired - it's taken a while! It's midnight now and we have had a busy day with dashing about to the shops etc. Liam's been asleep on the sofa for ages, he had a big fight channel on TV and I didn't want to turn over in case that woke him up - how silly do I sound?! Even though he is asleep I prefer to keep him close when I am up.

I've been looking more at the council housing bidding site - it's pretty pants. I can't find any 3 bedroomed places at all. I shall have to keep looking, in case there is a certain day when things get offered, you never know.

I'd better be getting off now, I've been bored stiff for ages and now am tired, yet still up! Hhmmm, I really hope I've washed Liam's kung fu stuff this time...

insomniac again

What's up with me? I really should go to bed but I don't want to.

Tomorrow Scarlett has a friend over for a 'bunny picnic', so I could really do with either sorting the house out, or getting off to bed so that I have the energy to do it tomorrow morning! Yet here I am, online still.
Ah well, I guess I have my reasons for not going to bed, which I don't really want to go in to right here, right now, but it is annoying. And I guess internet and TV is more interesting than loading the dishwasher etc.
Mind you, the stupid internet keeps disconnecting. Plus it takes a while to load when I open my laptop. Not ages I suppose, but I'm used to it being instant. ah well, at least this one is free with the TV.

I've been browsing the Council properties page. they now have a bidding system in place, so rather than wait for years for something to be allocated, you now need to bid weekly on various places until you get lucky. they were just putting this system in to operation when we got moved - I wonder if we had waited another month, if maybe we would have been able to choose a place closer to the school, our family, friends and places we know.
I hate where we live now, I Love our house, but the area we live in is horrible - on the doorstep of one of the worst places in London. There's too much crime around here - I'm scared to leave the house once it's dark, and to be honest I don't really venture anywhere around here except to the shops, even in the day time. I spend most of my days either indoors, or where the childrens' school is - where we used to live. which is where I want to live now.
don't get me wrong, i know my desired area is not crime free - I'm under no illusions. But compared to where we are now, it would be great. Plus the school run could be cut by so much! I could get my children in to the local school but i never would. It's so rubbish I'd rather home educate, and although I'm not at all against H.E. - i just know I'd be pants at it! lol

Anyway, been checking out the properties they have, and there's not one listing for a 3 bedroomed ground floor place in two of the areas I tried. Nor is there a 3 bedroomed property on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th floors. don't ask me why I checked those floors as I have no intention of moving there (impractical with young children plus dog) - I guess I just wanted to know how things stand.
I don't think we stand much of a chance to be honest.

It's all so disheartening. Why can't I just win the lottery? Just once? Only enough to buy a home, that will do - I'm not asking for millions or to be set up for life. This would just make everything so much easier.
I've wondered (and I know Liam has done the same) whether we should ever have moved from our old flat. It was horrible there - a small one bedroom place and absolutely riddled with damp mould - only Scarlett out of all of us, escaped breathing problems that needed medications because of this damp. The hot water and heating never worked, and the walls were so solid you couldn't put shelves up (which was a pain with it being so tiny there), the toilet was an unfixable mess and the people upstairs used to be noisy.
BUT
It was close to the school, library, tube line, shopping centre, friends, family, park and our GP surgery. We only had neighbours on one side and they were the best neighbours you could ever wish for. People were friendly around there, and there's lots of toddler groups, etc. I felt safe there - it has crime, but not the same as here. Pizza people wont even deliver to us after a pizza delivery man got stabbed around the corner at 2:30 in the afternoon. The horrid people that did it didn't even do it to steal anything from him - they came back later as an afterthought and took his pizzas. what made me really sick was that the blood was never cleaned up. A thick, big, dark congealing pool of blood sat there for about 5 days before the rain began to wash it away.
At our old house neighbours would look out for each other, and although we didn't know everyone in the area, there was enough of a community for you to recognise many people when you went out.

I've said to so many times, but if I could take the home we live in now and move it to an area nearer to the school I would jump at the chance, I so so would.

things have been hard today. I went to bed early with the most awful headache last night, and Liam didn't get in until late. i woke up with the headache and there has been a near constant furrow in my brow today, from stress and the pain.
I wanted to offload on a friend, but both people I felt I could confide in most were otherwise occupied today! I offloaded on a mum I know from the school. Oh bless her, she is so lovely. She patiently listened to me, and gave practical solutions to my issues, without dismissing a single thought. We had a real good chat, which definitely helped me to get through the day.
I was still falling asleep by the time afternoon rolled around and I had to get back to reading 'Frankenstein' though. I started off OK, but after a while I realised that I had read the same line about 50 times and still had no idea what it said. I was falling asleep and coming dangerously close to snoring in the middle of the Burger King seating area! Maybe I did snore but don't remember. I hope not.

I'd better go now. I think that I'm too tired to go tidy and clean now, but hopefully if I can get some rest I shall be more human and able in the morning.