They say you can tell the measure of a (wo)man by his friends...

I'm thinking of becoming a recluse.

I'll start with the better stuff. I lost one and a half pounds this week. It's not my target yet - I'm one bloody pound short - but I'm trying not to be bitter about it. I did eat all those hobnobs, and have the meal, and not exercise quite as much this week, and my period started today. I think with all that combined I did pretty good.
It is a pisser that I'm so close to target though. As I am the one doing the weighing in, you should have seen how many times I jumped on those scales tonight, before I gave up! I think I might pop round my mum's on Friday. She's my SW consultant, and I really want to be at target before my birthday on Saturday. My sister in law said this wouldn't be accurate though - cheating I think she meant - I don't see how though..?

I spoke to David today, finally got through. It started off well enough, but soon degenerated in to him telling me how I'm green eyed with envy about his disability living allowance *sigh* I know where this comes from. Partly that his mother was and is so happy to have sons that get her so much extra money, and partly because when he moved out, his DLA meant that he had more money coming in than me and Liam, and still moaned constantly about how little he had. I remember pointing it out to him, but he didn't want to listen.
I told him today that if it was the case, that I gave him evil looks and sarcastic comments, then I could assure him that it would never happen again, and that money or not, I would not wish a disability on anyone, least of all my own family.
He changed subject in to how much he hates Pot, and how much influence she still has over his life. I told him that he can have my 'Toxic Parents' book to read when I'm done. He also told me that he never was missing, he was just busy, or not answering the phone. I think most of the time he ignored the phone to worry Pot, to be honest, or to annoy her. He was angry at her calling the police though.
Uncomfortable was his talking about how on a couple of occasions he has 'given her a slap' around the face. I remember this at the time, and telling him that no matter how much I despised her, I could not condone this. I reiterated that today, but he did point out that she was up in his face shouting and hitting him too, which changes things, slightly.
More uncomfortable for me, is how he is her. He'd hate me for saying it, but even over the phone I could feel it. He hates her, but he is like a carbon copy, only male.

I'm wondering how much of a fantasy world he is living in. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager he got a job on stage in a Camden nightclub. He presented other people, did a bit of stand up and sung occasionally. If you knew him, you would find it hard to believe.
Harder still to get one's head around, is how he had a long term boyfriend there, a gorgeous, muscly man from Denmark, who's surname David doesn't remember, despite having a relationship for 5 years. This man sadly died in a fire when the club burned down at some point. David said they found an engagement ring on the guy, and believe that he was going to propose. But David didn't go to the funeral, as it wasn't in this country.
The hardest thing to take on, is David's insistence that, had the club not burned away to nothing, he would be head manager by now, with a very lucrative pay deal, a country house signed over to him and a car with chauffeur.

Hhhmmmmm.....

My thinking is that if David genuinely believes this to be true, then people were rather cruelly having him on. But it's also my thinking that he has plenty of time to invent things now, and they certainly are impressive stories, stories that he has told no one else. Who knows? Maybe I am his only confidante.
He did have a lot to say, and I made sure I let him. I didn't say too much myself, but it was nice, in a way, to chat. I told him that at some point soon I would call him over for dinner, and he said he would really like that. I wanted to last Saturday, but couldn't get hold of him. This Saturday I am out for my birthday, and I wasn't sure if the weekend after is too far away for him to remember.


And so I've come back to my birthday, and here is where today's misery comes in. Sorry, but here it is.
I never had any replies, to start with. I know that people have been online, I've seen them on facebook. I asked Jenny if she could meet for a drink another day, as she is working on Saturday, but she's not responded either.
I feel really bad that I've kind of had to uninvite Ashleigh (sister in law), as she is under age, but she is really happy to babysit with popcorn and sky box office provided. I wouldn't have asked (her mum was still happy to have my lot) but I thought she might want the money and break from home.
Tonight Sarah (other SIL) told em that she couldn't make it, she's busy now - though she could have made the party, hmm? She also pointed out that she wasn't keen on the style of music - it's 80's, but it's not the singalong party crap we get on CDs now.
Then Kirsty arrived (this was at slimming club) and I asked her if she could come. I think my face must have visibly dropped when she said she couldn't, as I was so gutted. After all, it was her that convinced me to go for it. She had forgotten, and booked tickets for her and her boyfriend to go somewhere. She also said that her friend Georgina couldn't come. Kirsty pointed out that if I could change it to Friday, then maybe she could, but I just don't know if I can do that - rearrange all over again. She also said she would chat with me on facebook tonight, and though I didn't really want to, she's not been in at all anyway.

So that left me miserable. I walked home from Slimming Club literally holding back the tears. I was desperate to sob the whole way home. When I got in I held it together for Frazer to show he how he had made a morse code machine thingie on his new circuit board, and I asked him to spell out my name, before saying I had to go lie down.
So, if you can get the measure of a man by his friends, where does this leave me? For my birthday, I am going out to a roller disco, and no matter how much I can tel myself that the reason for this is to take away the stress of a party and who will show, etc, I can't help but think how it will just be me, Liam, and his friend, maybe more than one of his friends.
So actually, none of my friends, except my husband.

I feel so pathetic.
Why does no one want to be with me? I don't think that I'm too needy, though I can see it is a trap that I could easily fall in to. I am nice to people, I like similar stuff to most of them as I have varied tastes. I think I am fun, I socialise, I chat - so why does no one want to know me?
It's not just now either - I'm not just unlucky with my birthday. In fact this is exactly why I cancelled the party - and I'm glad I did now. Can you imagine it? Me and Liam, a load of food, a big cake, games prepared, drinks bought behind the bar as 'prizes' and no guests.

No on phones, texts or even emails, unless they hear I am having a crisis. Is it any wonder that I spend so much of my time online, when everything I try to do in real life fails? And don't tell me that if I got off the PC I could change things, I've tried that, many a time. My life was crap like this before I even knew of the internet.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. Everyone seems to be ok for a passing conversation. Maybe that's all I am, an acquaintance, a passing friend. I sure can be depended on, if someone needs me, if they are going out and invite me, if they want to cry or share something. But for me, it just never seems to come around.

Tonight Liam came along to comfort me when I was upset, upstairs. I got annoyed at his tone at one point - he really seemed dismissive, and almost annoyed or tired with me being upset. I quickly realised that I shouldn't have done that. Liam is all I have, being this miserable will end up being the thing that makes me lose him, if I'm not careful.
I said I'm sorry, and explained how I feel so luck y to have him, and he did pretty much confirm that he is tired with me being upset, and was actually pleased that I acknowledged that he is allowed to get moody when I do.

Later tonight, I got an email from Laura. I suppose by the time we got to email number 3 it was harder to ignore. She said that as I was insistent that I wasn't doing anything for my birthday she had made plans to stay with her cousin. Funny that. Especially as I never actually insisted that I was doing nothing, and said all along that rollerdisco was a possibility.
Oh well. I told her not to worry. She has asked since, about the time and price, but that was in my initial email anyway. I think she's just trying to be polite.

I'm trying trying trying to think of the fun we will have. Even if it's just me and Liam. If others come then good, this was the initial way I was supposed to think, but I guess 4 rejections on the first day of my period is a bit much to take.
I just can't get the question out of my head - what is it about me that repels people? And will it ever change? What am I doing wrong? Have I become Pot, in some twisted way?


I really need to get to bed. I think maybe I need a break too.



.