Issue number two: My Body

So I've been plodding along ok recently, in regards to how I look.
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.

It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...

The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.

I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.

I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.

So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.

Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!