The meeting happened today

I'm sorry people, I should have replied earlier.
Do you know what I mean by saying that I felt I could reply to mundane messages, but this would actually take some emotional investment, so I put it off?

Well, we went along, we were late, and we planned to take the children swimming afterwards - we haven't taken them swimming since on our honeymoon 2 years ago, so it was good to have something fun planned.

As we approached the bandstand I could see them: my granddad and my cousin Mez. No David. My thoughts instantly turned to debating whether I should just walk away at that point, and Liam asked me if I wanted to, but I said no, in case my brother had gone to the toilets or something.

But he hadn't - he wasn't there.
Mez told me that it might be because he was anxious or something. I couldn't help but wonder if they had planned this - whether David was ever asked at all. I got his number and address from them and then all I wanted to do was leave, but I couldn't - it was so hard! I don't know why, politeness I guess; they knew that I had planned to meet them at least long enough for a chat with David, so I felt I couldn't walk away.

I could barely talk to them and made absolutely very little eye contact with either of them. The hug hello was strained, and only because they hugged me rather than the other way around, IYKWIM? They kind of followed us and the kids to the duck pond and then we said that we needed to get off to the swimming pool.

As it turned out the pool was closed for renovations so two crap things, then the children were brats at home so unable to do the baking and film treat that we promised to replace swimming. Today didn't go to plan at all.

We had a message on the phone when we got home from my brother. He said that he had got very delayed on the train and that he was very sorry to have not been able to make it today. He asked me to call back, which I have done but there's been no answer so far. At least I know that they didn't plot all this against me today, but I could still feel the huge discomfort from them, at my complete lack of socialising (Liam spoke more than me) and from Liam's presence, he's always made them uncomfortable. Probably because they know he'd defend me to the death I think. Shows them up for everything they are not.

I'm hoping to get through to David and ask him over for dinner, alone. I'm taking the fact that he left a message to be a promising thing, and that he's more than able to come over for a chat without a cousin or someone tagging along.


I've been thinking about family issues more today. Part prompted by this I think, and part prompted by my reading the introduction to the 'Toxic Parents' book that a friend recommended. I've noticed how they never once visited me when I was in foster care, how they shunned my foster family, and have even avoided my children's Thanks Giving Ceremonies, and my wedding, because of the foster family that took me in.

Hey - it is NOT my fault, or that of my foster - now adopted - family, that I had an inadequate parent. It's not my fault that I was raped, that she thinks it was ok, and it's not my fault that I was put on the at risk register and needed to go to another home. But their actions all along made me feel, on some hidden level I think, that I was to blame. I was almost disassociated from by them, and to this day they take side with the woman that caused it all, even though they sympathise with my story, they can actually take no action - because it's easier to ignore and bury away.

I'm still refusing to play their game. I don't think that today they invited themselves along 'with David' to corner me in to an uncomfortable conversation about things I do not want to talk about. I believe that their whole intention was to get back to the old game of pretending nothing has or is happening. Because my ignoring them is not playing along with that game, is it? That's why the interest in me, they need me to meet up, converse nicely and pretend like nothing happened, because then they can be comfortable. I didn't go along with that today, I wonder how they feel now...


Oh, one more thing - my granddad spotted my 'breastmilk, accept no substitute' badge and made a joke, which my cousin followed up by saying how she'd looked at my website. I asked her which one, and found out that she meant my face book page! I guess that means she's seen all my updates on the subject then. Maybe I should just post a link on my profile to my blog page and I'd never need to point anything else out to her again!

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