Recovery

I've spent the past few days getting over the meeting that didn't go so well, and having to explain it out a few times. Being quite an open person does mean that people will ask after me when an event has happened, it can be draining but it's lovely to know that people care.

I've still not managed to get through to David, I've phoned a few times now. He's kinda notorious for this though, which is why I wonder if he ever did go missing. I'm very curious about this one, as my granddad was so vague.

My mouth is in a terrible state, I think it must be down to stress. I get ulcers when I am anxious, or if I'm really run down. This week I only have one ulcer (I think) but the ridge all around the roof of my mouth is awful, like it's been burned on hot food or something. It's so painful to eat, even to talk for the past few days. This evening I was able to read to the children, but I hadn't been able to for about 2 or 3 days at bedtimes. I just want it to go, if it doesn't soon I shall have to resort to sucking baby mush through a straw!

I am trying to prepare for my birthday, and panicking a little. I closed the events page on facebook, with a message to tell people that it's not going to happen. I think that many of them know why I was so stressed out, so hopefully understand that organising a party on top would be too much. Kirsty and Liam have convinced me that I still deserve some fun, so fun I shall have! We are going to the Roller Disco, and I have invited everyone that I asked to the party, plus some more that I didn't get the chance to invite before. Funny how few replies I've had though :( I'm wondering if I'm just 1) that unpopular, 2) unlucky, or 3) over paranoid with high expectations.
Anyway, me and Liam will be there and this is why I decided to go for it. Even if no one shows we can have a good night! Kirsty is coming, and probably her friends Georgina, Liam's friend Bryan is coming and probably bringing friends too.
I suppose all I really need to do is arrange meeting time and look for clothes that will go with my Rainbow Brite inspired look! I'm not going for full on costume (I don't have the hair for one thing; it's purple-black) but will wear my Rainbow Brite T-shirt, plus I have rainbow socks... Ebay is looking friendly to me right now.

I've been getting paranoid about my weight this week. It's really probably the last thing I should be thinking about but I can't help it. I gobbled the best part of a pack of hobnobs on Tuesday, and most of a pack of chocolate hobnobs, which is even worse! Then there was dinner out with Liam, sooo yummy though. I suppose I need to bear in mind that even if I do gain weight or not lose much - I enjoyed getting there!
I just really want to be at my target this week. I am so tired of always struggling along. After the binge on Tuesday, I have been good, I've not had any syns, and still loads of fruit and veg. I've not exercised as much as last week though, and I've had more carbs and meat this week. Plus - maybe worst of all - I'm due my period. Bum.

The good news though, is that I went to Asda today, with every intention of buying some constipation relief tablets with the shopping I needed to buy. But I didn't. I had a real struggle in the aisle, I picked them up and walked with them and everything, but I put them back.
I've run out at home, you see, but I'm trying to stop anyway. Somehow I can kid myself that Anorexia is bad, Bulimia is bad, but tablets, they're ok, because I'm still eating. I kid myself further, because I don't over use them - meaning I don't take more than the recommended dose. But really, I don't need them at all.
I'm trying to realise that I'm not just saving myself from stomach cramps, but that also they are not needed. I'm just panicking about getting weighed tomorrow, and panic shouldn't lead to silly ideas that might not even work anyway. The idea was just a boost, I suppose. But I didn't go there, and weird as it may sound, I'm really quite pleased with myself about that. Even if I don't lose that final 2lbs.





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