Issue number one: Families

Well here I am again. You can tell that I've either been very busy or particularly down, by the lack of my blog entries. Unfortunately it is the latter and I'm just getting over one of life's blips now. I'd better go over the issues in smaller chunks, as some need explaining.

I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.

The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.

When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.

So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.

And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.

A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.

The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?

But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.

I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.

One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.

So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.

It bloody sucks, you know?