Issue three continued: the birthday

Here's the big one.

I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.

I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.

Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.

So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.

Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.

I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.

Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?

Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.