This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.
Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.
I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.
I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:
- I can meet at home or at a park or somewhere
- I can meet with or without Liam and children
- I can arrange a way to leave quick, or a pre-arranged 'we need to leave by __ because...'
- I don't have to discuss deep things with either of them
- I can use this as a way to follow up and come back to things later
- I can be bloody stunning and slap on the war paint to ooze confidence the park will also mean sunglasses maybe
- I don't need to panic - I can be in control.
I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.
I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.
In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!
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