can't sit still!

I should be in bed - got an early start in the morning!

but I'm so excited! Tomorrow is inking day! And you know what that means - tomorrow is also the day from which Liam and I can begin trying to conceive.

I want to run upstairs and get out all the baby clothes to look at, squee over them quietly, lol!

I'm debating - I reckon having unprotected sex tomorrow morning might not mean that I'm pregnant by teh time I'm getting tattooed, right? So I can chance that? Hehehehehe - I am so looking forward to this!

OK, off to get ready for tomorrow and bed now.

Somebody save me!!!!!

From the doughnuts, those mouthwatering, sugary, delicious glazed krispy kreme doughnuts, all of them, sitting in their huge box in the kitchen... They are calling to me, really they are!

I've had two. Two, already! And I had proper dinner, not salad, which used up some syns. Chicken Risotto, with pitta breads, and cooked with an OXO cube. And I've had two bites from a third doughnut.

Damn that sister in law! LOL - Sarah is so sweet, her boyfriend is a delivery man, and often has left over trays of Krispy Kremes, which he can't leave in the truck, so they deliver them here! The kids love them, I just wish I was a lax enough mother to allow the children to eat three each all at once and fob the rest on to Liam! But even if I did, they wouldn't want them all and then I would have an even bigger problem - DOUGHNUT LEFTOVERS!

I so so so so so so so so so so so want to lose this last little bit of weight.
I'm a bit lost with what I'm doing though. My target always was 9st 5lbs, yet somewhere I've changed it to 9st 7lbs!?
I don't know which to aim for. 9st 5lbs might make my clothes fit that little bit better, but will it be such a struggle to stick with that I would be better off with 9st 7lbs?
On the other hand, if I go for 9st 7lbs, I could drop down to 9st 5lbs and be right at the lower end of my target, but then again, I know I'd rarely do that.

A compromise would be 9st 6lbs, of course...

And would those few pounds make all the difference? It might not seem to, but when I'm wearing a tighter waist, or slinky skirt, I think it does. I'm sure it does to me, anyway.

I think I'll just see how this week goes, weigh in on Monday and see what happens. I've not got big occasions this week to make me pile on pounds, just doughnuts! I am a little concerned about tattoo day, I need to make sure that I'm prepared with food, so that I don't eat crap all day.

Getting excited now

It's Thursday at last (was convinced it was actually Thursday yesterday) and that means only two days until Saturday, and Saturday is the day I get tattooed and that means it's also the time we get to start trying for a baby.

I'm excited about everything!
Tomorrow night the children will go to stay at Pauline's (MIL) house and we'll be picking them up late on Saturday. It'll be the longest they've been away for a while, they will love it! I've asked my SIL Ashleigh to dog-sit for me, as poor Tonks will not take well to being alone so long. Liam and I are going to have to leave super early in the morning, to get from here to Paddington, and from Paddington to Cheltenham, and then find the tattooist place by 10am(ish).
Hopefully this will leave enough time for both me and Liam to be inked. I'm getting my back done, only stage one, but as it's my first, it's a big deal. It will be viney leaves like ivy, with roses and bluebells, curving slightly around my back as it will create half a frame for my finished piece. I'm not exactly sure where on my back it will be yet, or how big, that's to be worked out on Saturday.
Liam is getting his belly re-done. He has a dragon there that was his first tattoo. I designed it by doodling one day, Liam took it along and the crappy tattooist cocked it up, plus now it's faded too. Sarah Street should hopefully do a great cover up job. She hasn't designed anything yet, but he's confident in her abilities on the day.
We are going to be there for quite some time though. The train journey alone is 3 hours long! I'm really going to need something to read, a few things to read! And food, lots of it. I have been told to take a camera, so that I can get pics of it in the process, which sounds quite cool actually, if I'm allowed in the room with Liam, and he with me. When he got his belly done I was told to stay in the waiting room, but then that's a dodgy old place, and I've not been with him for his other ones.

What do I wear though? I know Liam will be bothered about be getting my tits out - that's just like him. But I don't know what I could do, if it's on the upper part of my back. I guess I'd be lying down anyway, so pretty hidden - it's not like I want to flash these pregnancy ravaged flappers! He suggested I wear a halterneck this morning. I pointed out to him that halternecks do actually have a back to them, and besides, the only halterneck top I have is a crop one that's been hidden away for about 9 years!
I guess I just think of something I don't mind getting blood on, nothing too tight, and not a dress, because it will have to be removed.


And then comes the far bigger excitement. The baby, or the trying to make one. I've been up and down about this subject really. Recently I was down, as the day approached I realised how much Liam has on, and how I don't want to add to his stresses. I know that he doesn't particularly want to TTC, but he would rather have a baby than me be miserable, I also know that once I'm pregnant, he would be over the moon - it's just that right now he is apprehensive.
I actually think he's a lot more for the idea than I am allowing myself to believe. After, it's really not that long ago that he bought those gorgeous baby outfits, to remind me how he was actually fine, and lovely, and being the best husband and father in the world...
Right now I am up, and remembering how lovely Liam is and has been helps. This morning I bounced out of bed and as I made it I thought of how lovely it will be to snuggle up in there with my new little one. I'm feeling all mushy and happy, I just have to hope that the plans all go well now - it took over 2 years to conceive Frazer!


My last excitement is an anxious, antsy kind of thing. I got a text message from Laura today, asking about how many tickets she should book for the roller disco she is organising. I've asked Liam and he's pointed out that we don't have the money and that he thought I'd already told her! I didn't tell her! He told me not to, because we might have the money when the time comes around - gah! Why did I listen to him? Now it's going to seem like I'm just trying to get her back, by leaving it so late...
Ah well, I will have to tell her that we've just worked out train fares and cost of the tattoos and wont be able to afford to go out, hopefully I wont come across completely dodgy. I have better things to think about!

I got my Sun back on my Birthday

Birthday day was great!

I woke early, because of Rowan, but went back to sleep. The sun came up shining for the first time in what felt like ages and I was greeted with a hug and a kiss from Liam.

He passed me a card (made by a company called '5 dollar shake' which is *so* cool, if you like Pulp Fiction) and inside he had written that he's loved me for another year and it feels great. The children piled in then and had to put up with the boring grown-upness of me wanting to open my cards before my presents. They had made me a card each, with stickers and pom-poms all over the place, very sweet.

I then received a good sized box of Millies Cookies, which made me probably more happy than it should have, especially considering my giant one downstairs! I also found out that Liam had peeked at my blog after hearing I had a wishlist on here, as I got a pair of boots, a dress and scarf that I liked together (belt is to follow apparently) and a Wonder Woman compact mirror!

It was all very lovely, and just as lovely was getting to drink a cup of tea in bed with a box of the best cookies in the world (seriously, I would be in heaven if I found a decent recipe to match) while Liam got the children washed and dressed.

I had a text message from Sarah (SIL) asking if she and her mum could come over for 9:30 and sorry if that was too early. I said no problem and then Liam told me he was taking the children out! They had one more gift for me but they had to go collect it, I was most surprised!

So I quickly tidied up the front room and jumped in to the shower. Well - I couldn't have Pauline over in a dump house could I? even on my birthday, lol. I didn't do too much though - left things to be taken up to everyone else when they got back (It wasn't my stuff) and told them so when I heard the door open. When I got out of the shower I shouted down to the children to grab some babywipes each and clean grubby spots off the floor - they Love doing that for some reason.

I was called downstairs before I had the chance to get dressed, and you'd never guess what they had bought me. Only a blummin' great big electric guitar!!! I've not even played a guitar since I was 7, so that will be fun! But for now it's fun to hold, and occasionally pose with... As you can see above, somehow I've never been able to put pictures in the right places on my blog!

I changed in to my 80's gear - not going to the roller disco was no reason for me to waste such a cool outfit. I had a yellow Rainbow Brite t-shirt, rainbow knee high socks and armwarmers that I made (out of more socks) to match. I'd also found a rainbow belt with a strawberry clasp on Ebay, very 80's, very cool!

And shortly after, my inlaws were at the door. It was lovely have people that matter over. Pauline, Sarah and Ashleigh all gave me a hug and a card. Sarah had bought me a Britney Fantasy perfume set - I adore that scent! It's like sweeties. She also brought sweets for the children 'in case they feel left out' - lol!

Then Bryan came over and Liam's family left. Bryan hung around for quite a while. I'm not sure if he was more over for Liam (he was helping Liam out filling in a character reference form) or to see me, but he did bring a card and a cheerful mug with mum-stuff on. I think he likes the parents that me and Liam are to our children, but he makes me realise that some people out there see me as mum and just about a mum only - so it's not just my children that think that!

I cut up my delicious cookie using a pizza cutter (hehe) and we munched on it all day. I wrapped some up for the girls at Discovery Planet and took along Laura's 'Godmother' soap that I had bought at Lush the day before. Liam didn't understand why I had got her a gift, I think. But this all comes back to me not wanting to dwell on the bad stuff.

We headed for the chinese restaurant first, but it was shut! So we went to Surrey Quays, saw Laura and hung around there eating lots of fruit (I bloody spent £10 on blueberries, strawberries and grapes!) and chatting with Bryan.

When I went over to Laura, she (hesitantly?) asked me if I wanted to go to the Roller Disco with her and some people from work. I said yes, OK without really giving it much thought. She said I could come and show them the way, as they hadn't been before. Then she asked me again if I would come. A little while later she said 'So do you want to come Roller Disco? I think it could be really fun...' and I cut her off saying that I told her yes, and that she'd asked me 3 times!

Maybe she was feeling bad, I think that's possible. It's obvious that my birthday plans got completely and utterly fucked, and I have pointed out to more than one person that if I ever plan anything for my birthday again, they are to point me in the direction of my blog! And I know that she feels partly responsible.

I think it's because I knwo that she takes some responsibility that I can let it go. If she didn't care at all then it would eat at me a bit, I'm sure. But I can't be bothered devoting attention to it now.

Liam was sorely pissed off when I told him about the Roller Disco. Bryan was also invited and I think he didn't knwo what to make of that. I think he was with Liam, wondering why I would ever agree to that, after the huge let down I had so recently experienced. I'll admit that a small argument erupted over the table between me and Liam, which Bryan and the kids in between us. We did keep it low though, and I ended it ASAP.

Liam thinks that I jump every time my 'friends' (and yes, I can hear his inverted commas when he says 'friends') call, even though they do nothing for me. I pointed out that I don't jump at all. I see the opportunity for a good night out and I take it - it has nothing to do with feeling duty bound or anything, I just want to have fun. I don't expect anything back anymore though.

Bryan escaped to the hairdressers, and we made our way to the restaurant. I found out that Liam had been freaking out about my outfit, apparently I had gained more than a couple of looks over the day and he wasn't happy. He said he had spoken sharply to a couple of blokes when I was on my way to the toilets, because they had commented on me. My thinking is that bright must attract attention, because I sure wasn't showing much more skin than many women normally do in that area, but I hope I didn't upset Liam too much all the same. I enjoyed being bright though, and had fun.

The Chinese food was yummy -but we ordered far too much! I only wanted Prawn Toast and Crispy Seaweed, but I got that as a table food and ordered a main for myself. We forgot how little the kids eat, and ordered a plate for each of them, plus Liam ordered a couple more table things - I think we only got through just over half of what we ordered! Fortunately, as it is also a takeaway, they put loads in cartons for us to take home. The children were fantastically behaved while there, even Rowan who was obviously tired and feeling a little poorly. He held himself back from tantrumming at one point, which left me most impressed!

We dropped the food off at Liam's parents and went home. We were supposed to check on the allotment, but it was late at this point.

At home we got the children in to bed and I read them two chapters (normally only one) of "The Magician's Nephew", as it was my birthday and I Love that book! They went to sleep really well and were very pleased that I had a good birthday. I was glad that me and Liam weren't going out, no rushing to get ready, just relaxing.

I tried a glass of wine, but couldn't drink any more as I was so full from the dinner. I think I may have managed a bit more cookie though!

We were definitely thankful that we didn't go out later that night, as Rowan was sick after a coughing fit. I wouldn't have wanted to leave Ashleigh with that to deal with and I was glad that we were there for Rowan. Liam was tired. He went to bed and I followed him up. I wasn't really tired and didn't want to sleep though, so as soon as I thought he was asleep I got up and went downstairs to play with my guitar....

It was a good day, and I hope that all my birthdays are such relaxed fun in future. Preferably without the pain in the weeks beforehand!

Birthdays

You know what? Birthdays really show you something about your friends.
I think I need a break, from the net, from everything. I don't know why from the net as that's the only place I talk to people, it's just a shame they are so far from me, physically.
But I think I might have a break. A flounce. I might still blog, flouncers can do that, right?

They say you can tell the measure of a (wo)man by his friends...

I'm thinking of becoming a recluse.

I'll start with the better stuff. I lost one and a half pounds this week. It's not my target yet - I'm one bloody pound short - but I'm trying not to be bitter about it. I did eat all those hobnobs, and have the meal, and not exercise quite as much this week, and my period started today. I think with all that combined I did pretty good.
It is a pisser that I'm so close to target though. As I am the one doing the weighing in, you should have seen how many times I jumped on those scales tonight, before I gave up! I think I might pop round my mum's on Friday. She's my SW consultant, and I really want to be at target before my birthday on Saturday. My sister in law said this wouldn't be accurate though - cheating I think she meant - I don't see how though..?

I spoke to David today, finally got through. It started off well enough, but soon degenerated in to him telling me how I'm green eyed with envy about his disability living allowance *sigh* I know where this comes from. Partly that his mother was and is so happy to have sons that get her so much extra money, and partly because when he moved out, his DLA meant that he had more money coming in than me and Liam, and still moaned constantly about how little he had. I remember pointing it out to him, but he didn't want to listen.
I told him today that if it was the case, that I gave him evil looks and sarcastic comments, then I could assure him that it would never happen again, and that money or not, I would not wish a disability on anyone, least of all my own family.
He changed subject in to how much he hates Pot, and how much influence she still has over his life. I told him that he can have my 'Toxic Parents' book to read when I'm done. He also told me that he never was missing, he was just busy, or not answering the phone. I think most of the time he ignored the phone to worry Pot, to be honest, or to annoy her. He was angry at her calling the police though.
Uncomfortable was his talking about how on a couple of occasions he has 'given her a slap' around the face. I remember this at the time, and telling him that no matter how much I despised her, I could not condone this. I reiterated that today, but he did point out that she was up in his face shouting and hitting him too, which changes things, slightly.
More uncomfortable for me, is how he is her. He'd hate me for saying it, but even over the phone I could feel it. He hates her, but he is like a carbon copy, only male.

I'm wondering how much of a fantasy world he is living in. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager he got a job on stage in a Camden nightclub. He presented other people, did a bit of stand up and sung occasionally. If you knew him, you would find it hard to believe.
Harder still to get one's head around, is how he had a long term boyfriend there, a gorgeous, muscly man from Denmark, who's surname David doesn't remember, despite having a relationship for 5 years. This man sadly died in a fire when the club burned down at some point. David said they found an engagement ring on the guy, and believe that he was going to propose. But David didn't go to the funeral, as it wasn't in this country.
The hardest thing to take on, is David's insistence that, had the club not burned away to nothing, he would be head manager by now, with a very lucrative pay deal, a country house signed over to him and a car with chauffeur.

Hhhmmmmm.....

My thinking is that if David genuinely believes this to be true, then people were rather cruelly having him on. But it's also my thinking that he has plenty of time to invent things now, and they certainly are impressive stories, stories that he has told no one else. Who knows? Maybe I am his only confidante.
He did have a lot to say, and I made sure I let him. I didn't say too much myself, but it was nice, in a way, to chat. I told him that at some point soon I would call him over for dinner, and he said he would really like that. I wanted to last Saturday, but couldn't get hold of him. This Saturday I am out for my birthday, and I wasn't sure if the weekend after is too far away for him to remember.


And so I've come back to my birthday, and here is where today's misery comes in. Sorry, but here it is.
I never had any replies, to start with. I know that people have been online, I've seen them on facebook. I asked Jenny if she could meet for a drink another day, as she is working on Saturday, but she's not responded either.
I feel really bad that I've kind of had to uninvite Ashleigh (sister in law), as she is under age, but she is really happy to babysit with popcorn and sky box office provided. I wouldn't have asked (her mum was still happy to have my lot) but I thought she might want the money and break from home.
Tonight Sarah (other SIL) told em that she couldn't make it, she's busy now - though she could have made the party, hmm? She also pointed out that she wasn't keen on the style of music - it's 80's, but it's not the singalong party crap we get on CDs now.
Then Kirsty arrived (this was at slimming club) and I asked her if she could come. I think my face must have visibly dropped when she said she couldn't, as I was so gutted. After all, it was her that convinced me to go for it. She had forgotten, and booked tickets for her and her boyfriend to go somewhere. She also said that her friend Georgina couldn't come. Kirsty pointed out that if I could change it to Friday, then maybe she could, but I just don't know if I can do that - rearrange all over again. She also said she would chat with me on facebook tonight, and though I didn't really want to, she's not been in at all anyway.

So that left me miserable. I walked home from Slimming Club literally holding back the tears. I was desperate to sob the whole way home. When I got in I held it together for Frazer to show he how he had made a morse code machine thingie on his new circuit board, and I asked him to spell out my name, before saying I had to go lie down.
So, if you can get the measure of a man by his friends, where does this leave me? For my birthday, I am going out to a roller disco, and no matter how much I can tel myself that the reason for this is to take away the stress of a party and who will show, etc, I can't help but think how it will just be me, Liam, and his friend, maybe more than one of his friends.
So actually, none of my friends, except my husband.

I feel so pathetic.
Why does no one want to be with me? I don't think that I'm too needy, though I can see it is a trap that I could easily fall in to. I am nice to people, I like similar stuff to most of them as I have varied tastes. I think I am fun, I socialise, I chat - so why does no one want to know me?
It's not just now either - I'm not just unlucky with my birthday. In fact this is exactly why I cancelled the party - and I'm glad I did now. Can you imagine it? Me and Liam, a load of food, a big cake, games prepared, drinks bought behind the bar as 'prizes' and no guests.

No on phones, texts or even emails, unless they hear I am having a crisis. Is it any wonder that I spend so much of my time online, when everything I try to do in real life fails? And don't tell me that if I got off the PC I could change things, I've tried that, many a time. My life was crap like this before I even knew of the internet.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. Everyone seems to be ok for a passing conversation. Maybe that's all I am, an acquaintance, a passing friend. I sure can be depended on, if someone needs me, if they are going out and invite me, if they want to cry or share something. But for me, it just never seems to come around.

Tonight Liam came along to comfort me when I was upset, upstairs. I got annoyed at his tone at one point - he really seemed dismissive, and almost annoyed or tired with me being upset. I quickly realised that I shouldn't have done that. Liam is all I have, being this miserable will end up being the thing that makes me lose him, if I'm not careful.
I said I'm sorry, and explained how I feel so luck y to have him, and he did pretty much confirm that he is tired with me being upset, and was actually pleased that I acknowledged that he is allowed to get moody when I do.

Later tonight, I got an email from Laura. I suppose by the time we got to email number 3 it was harder to ignore. She said that as I was insistent that I wasn't doing anything for my birthday she had made plans to stay with her cousin. Funny that. Especially as I never actually insisted that I was doing nothing, and said all along that rollerdisco was a possibility.
Oh well. I told her not to worry. She has asked since, about the time and price, but that was in my initial email anyway. I think she's just trying to be polite.

I'm trying trying trying to think of the fun we will have. Even if it's just me and Liam. If others come then good, this was the initial way I was supposed to think, but I guess 4 rejections on the first day of my period is a bit much to take.
I just can't get the question out of my head - what is it about me that repels people? And will it ever change? What am I doing wrong? Have I become Pot, in some twisted way?


I really need to get to bed. I think maybe I need a break too.



.

Recovery

I've spent the past few days getting over the meeting that didn't go so well, and having to explain it out a few times. Being quite an open person does mean that people will ask after me when an event has happened, it can be draining but it's lovely to know that people care.

I've still not managed to get through to David, I've phoned a few times now. He's kinda notorious for this though, which is why I wonder if he ever did go missing. I'm very curious about this one, as my granddad was so vague.

My mouth is in a terrible state, I think it must be down to stress. I get ulcers when I am anxious, or if I'm really run down. This week I only have one ulcer (I think) but the ridge all around the roof of my mouth is awful, like it's been burned on hot food or something. It's so painful to eat, even to talk for the past few days. This evening I was able to read to the children, but I hadn't been able to for about 2 or 3 days at bedtimes. I just want it to go, if it doesn't soon I shall have to resort to sucking baby mush through a straw!

I am trying to prepare for my birthday, and panicking a little. I closed the events page on facebook, with a message to tell people that it's not going to happen. I think that many of them know why I was so stressed out, so hopefully understand that organising a party on top would be too much. Kirsty and Liam have convinced me that I still deserve some fun, so fun I shall have! We are going to the Roller Disco, and I have invited everyone that I asked to the party, plus some more that I didn't get the chance to invite before. Funny how few replies I've had though :( I'm wondering if I'm just 1) that unpopular, 2) unlucky, or 3) over paranoid with high expectations.
Anyway, me and Liam will be there and this is why I decided to go for it. Even if no one shows we can have a good night! Kirsty is coming, and probably her friends Georgina, Liam's friend Bryan is coming and probably bringing friends too.
I suppose all I really need to do is arrange meeting time and look for clothes that will go with my Rainbow Brite inspired look! I'm not going for full on costume (I don't have the hair for one thing; it's purple-black) but will wear my Rainbow Brite T-shirt, plus I have rainbow socks... Ebay is looking friendly to me right now.

I've been getting paranoid about my weight this week. It's really probably the last thing I should be thinking about but I can't help it. I gobbled the best part of a pack of hobnobs on Tuesday, and most of a pack of chocolate hobnobs, which is even worse! Then there was dinner out with Liam, sooo yummy though. I suppose I need to bear in mind that even if I do gain weight or not lose much - I enjoyed getting there!
I just really want to be at my target this week. I am so tired of always struggling along. After the binge on Tuesday, I have been good, I've not had any syns, and still loads of fruit and veg. I've not exercised as much as last week though, and I've had more carbs and meat this week. Plus - maybe worst of all - I'm due my period. Bum.

The good news though, is that I went to Asda today, with every intention of buying some constipation relief tablets with the shopping I needed to buy. But I didn't. I had a real struggle in the aisle, I picked them up and walked with them and everything, but I put them back.
I've run out at home, you see, but I'm trying to stop anyway. Somehow I can kid myself that Anorexia is bad, Bulimia is bad, but tablets, they're ok, because I'm still eating. I kid myself further, because I don't over use them - meaning I don't take more than the recommended dose. But really, I don't need them at all.
I'm trying to realise that I'm not just saving myself from stomach cramps, but that also they are not needed. I'm just panicking about getting weighed tomorrow, and panic shouldn't lead to silly ideas that might not even work anyway. The idea was just a boost, I suppose. But I didn't go there, and weird as it may sound, I'm really quite pleased with myself about that. Even if I don't lose that final 2lbs.





.

The meeting happened today

I'm sorry people, I should have replied earlier.
Do you know what I mean by saying that I felt I could reply to mundane messages, but this would actually take some emotional investment, so I put it off?

Well, we went along, we were late, and we planned to take the children swimming afterwards - we haven't taken them swimming since on our honeymoon 2 years ago, so it was good to have something fun planned.

As we approached the bandstand I could see them: my granddad and my cousin Mez. No David. My thoughts instantly turned to debating whether I should just walk away at that point, and Liam asked me if I wanted to, but I said no, in case my brother had gone to the toilets or something.

But he hadn't - he wasn't there.
Mez told me that it might be because he was anxious or something. I couldn't help but wonder if they had planned this - whether David was ever asked at all. I got his number and address from them and then all I wanted to do was leave, but I couldn't - it was so hard! I don't know why, politeness I guess; they knew that I had planned to meet them at least long enough for a chat with David, so I felt I couldn't walk away.

I could barely talk to them and made absolutely very little eye contact with either of them. The hug hello was strained, and only because they hugged me rather than the other way around, IYKWIM? They kind of followed us and the kids to the duck pond and then we said that we needed to get off to the swimming pool.

As it turned out the pool was closed for renovations so two crap things, then the children were brats at home so unable to do the baking and film treat that we promised to replace swimming. Today didn't go to plan at all.

We had a message on the phone when we got home from my brother. He said that he had got very delayed on the train and that he was very sorry to have not been able to make it today. He asked me to call back, which I have done but there's been no answer so far. At least I know that they didn't plot all this against me today, but I could still feel the huge discomfort from them, at my complete lack of socialising (Liam spoke more than me) and from Liam's presence, he's always made them uncomfortable. Probably because they know he'd defend me to the death I think. Shows them up for everything they are not.

I'm hoping to get through to David and ask him over for dinner, alone. I'm taking the fact that he left a message to be a promising thing, and that he's more than able to come over for a chat without a cousin or someone tagging along.


I've been thinking about family issues more today. Part prompted by this I think, and part prompted by my reading the introduction to the 'Toxic Parents' book that a friend recommended. I've noticed how they never once visited me when I was in foster care, how they shunned my foster family, and have even avoided my children's Thanks Giving Ceremonies, and my wedding, because of the foster family that took me in.

Hey - it is NOT my fault, or that of my foster - now adopted - family, that I had an inadequate parent. It's not my fault that I was raped, that she thinks it was ok, and it's not my fault that I was put on the at risk register and needed to go to another home. But their actions all along made me feel, on some hidden level I think, that I was to blame. I was almost disassociated from by them, and to this day they take side with the woman that caused it all, even though they sympathise with my story, they can actually take no action - because it's easier to ignore and bury away.

I'm still refusing to play their game. I don't think that today they invited themselves along 'with David' to corner me in to an uncomfortable conversation about things I do not want to talk about. I believe that their whole intention was to get back to the old game of pretending nothing has or is happening. Because my ignoring them is not playing along with that game, is it? That's why the interest in me, they need me to meet up, converse nicely and pretend like nothing happened, because then they can be comfortable. I didn't go along with that today, I wonder how they feel now...


Oh, one more thing - my granddad spotted my 'breastmilk, accept no substitute' badge and made a joke, which my cousin followed up by saying how she'd looked at my website. I asked her which one, and found out that she meant my face book page! I guess that means she's seen all my updates on the subject then. Maybe I should just post a link on my profile to my blog page and I'd never need to point anything else out to her again!

.

Issue number one update again: families

Tomorrow is the day and they did it - I should have known they would do it and now they have.

I asked DH to text over the time we can meet in the park for tomorrow - I'm still not comfortable using my number.
I decided earlyish - 11, so then I wouldn't be worrying all day. As far I know he was sent a message back, asking if 11:30 is ok, and by the bandstand. Goodness knows why the bandstand, there's nothing in that end of the park at all! I was thinking the cafe, which is also near the duck pond and swings.

We replied ok.

Then Liam sent me an email to warn me that my granddad might be there.

This is it.

This is actually what I've been waiting for all along, but I stupidly, stupidly had hoped that it was too late for them to start doing that kind of thing. I don't want to see my granddad. He was the best person ever in my childhood and this illusion was shattered over the past few years.

I don't want to not go, say I'm sick or whatever, because 1) it will be obvious and 2) I probably wont have Liam with me next time and 3) I don't actually want to ignore David.

I was coping with meeting two - but mainly because out of everyone, David hasn't let me down at all, and Mez isn't too bad compared to the others. I wasn't happy - I only wanted to see David, but I was coping.
Now they've thrown someone else in, and not just anyone either. Liam has pointed out to me that I will be able to walk away, but they will see this as me making a fuss - it almost equates to confrontation in their eyes.
Plus I don't want to make David uncomfortable. I don't want to cause a fuss with David there. I don't want to cause a fuss with my children there. I just don't want a fuss, not yet. I am prepared to talk to another cousin, and had it planned to before all this came up. But I don't want to go along tomorrow and pretend like all is normal and nothing has happened. That's the game they want me to play - that's the game they always play. You ignore problems and eventually people stop talking about them. I don't see how I can discourage them thinking that without making a fuss. Unless my granddad gets locked indoors tomorrow, things will be uncomfortable.

I just hate this, I should have been more prepared.

Issue three continued: the birthday

Here's the big one.

I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.

I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.

Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.

So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.

Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.

I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.

Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?

Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.

Issue Number Four: The anniversary

This one became a bit of a non-issue, as time went by, but I'm blogging about it anyway, as it was lovely.

I was worrying because I wanted it to be special for Liam, as I knew that he would make it special for me. As it transpired, he still has not received his present (he will soon, and he knows what it is and that it will be worth waiting for - I hope!) and he had to wait until after work to even get his card! I was making him one, and needed to use pure cotton, as of course, the second anniversary is cotton.

When I woke up, one of the first things Liam did (after about an hour of cuddling me, probably trying to wake me up) was to give m my card. It is beautiful, and he always things of something wonderful to write inside.
He also spoiled me, by giving me some perfume - Gucci Rush, which comes in the ugliest bottle ever! - and some makeup. He seems to be a fan of the YSL makeup, I must admit sit is very good stuff, and the gold box probably sways me further... He also had bought some beautiful underwear for me, and a lovely dress. The dress was given to me about a week before though, with the dress he gave me for my birthday, when he was worried about sizing and my body issues.

Somehow, despite the masses of time I had available that evening, I still managed to be late in getting ready. I blame the bag and Gok Wan. Gok has shown me how to make a plain bag look super, and the dress I was wearing that night (the early birthday present one) deserved a super bag. I bought a small handbag from Claire's accessories. It was a plain black, slightly shiny material, with a small handle and a tiny bow. I used a long black satin belt and made a big bow, which I stitched in place over the tiny bow, with the 'tail' bits dangling down long. I then cut off the handle, and had a pretty clutch!

I used my new makeup, new perfume and black and white silk dress. I straightened my hair and wore it down. I used a silver necklace with a pendant I had made specially after we were married. It is a silver leaf; it's actually a copy made from a leaf in bouquet, and one of my most personally valuable pieces of jewelery now. Liam had heard me mention a leafy bracelet from Asda that I had been looking at, and he bought it for me on the way home! What a star.

I feel guilty now, as Liam forgot to bring his cuff-links home from work, and I was slightly chaste in my attitude towards him after that. He had smart trousers and a crisp white shirt, but no jacket, and he had to roll up his shirt sleeves! All of a sudden I felt over dressed, as he seemed so casual.
This is because I panic. If we were going to Pizza Hut I might just about be ok, but somewhere slightly different, like Quincey's for eg, and I'd worry that I'm over dressed! I don't go out very often and so it's all a big deal to me. The OXO tower restaurant certainly seemed like a big deal to me, it's a posh place and expensive too, central London and all those things make me nervous.

But as I said to Liam once we got there, just having a drink, or a quick walk around probably would calm me. We went for the former, and had a quick drink in the bar joined to the restaurant. In this bar I got mistaken for a singer! Which was quite nice, I assume she wasn't ugly anyway lol! I'd Love to know who it was singing there now, we just missed her.

The dinner was scrummy. We did have to wait a while, but it was a lovely place to wait! WE got moved to a window seat, which was perfect, and even the table bread was delicious and more tasty than usual! I had lobster for starters, and salmon with crispy oyster as my main. The waiter brought out a square plate before our main meal, which had beautiful chocolate writing - 'Happy Anniversary' - and some gorgeous vanilla ice cream, all compliments of the chef.
The desert was the best ever - I had an Eton Mess, which was cream, strawberries, meringue and all sorts of lovely stuff in a tall glass with some fruity sorbet on shortbread to one side and some absolutely A-star *fantastic* jammy dodgers on the other side! Well, not jammy dodgers of course, but they look just like them in shape and style, only completely melt in the mouth and divine. I'd pay good money for a box of them!
The deserts all had drinks recommended to go with them, and I chose to have mine (Liam didn't drink any alcohol all night), it was a Moet Rose Champagne, and boy was that stuff happy juice! I only drunk it slowly, and yes, the whole atmosphere of a perfect night definitely added to it, but for a good hour or two after I had cheek-ache as I had been grinning for ages like I had a hanger in my mouth!

After we had eaten and paid, we went out on to the balcony to admire the view. You can see right over the Thames, and there were a few other couples out there with the same idea. We hung around and enjoyed the moment for some time, then I offered to take a photo for a couple near us, with the cunning plan that maybe they could take one of us too. They were delighted with this idea, but looking back on it I should have asked them to take one with Liam's camera phone too, as I never know if I'll ever receive the one they took on their camera. Ah well.

We went for a walk along the river, and ended up walking all the way home. On the way we went past the Tate Modern and The Globe. I went half way over the millenium bridge (Liam doesn't like bridges and doesn't like this one AT ALL) and took a good look at the view. It was amazing - if you face one way you see the St Paul's Cathedral in all it's splendour. At night it is lit up with a slightly blue glow, and kind of looks like salvation made in to a building. If you turn to face the other way, you see the Tate Modern, which at the moment has a HUGE mural, one picture, the one that catches your eye instantly, is of a young black man, holding a gun right in your face. It's a very emotive picture, and it kind of captures a lot of worries of those living in London at the moment. It seemed so poignant to have the two extremes on either end of the bridge, and all this passing water below.
That bridge is magnificent, I've never been on it before so I don't know what it is like in the daytime but I know that when I stood on it the other night I felt completely in awe and very very lucky to be living in London, so close to all these landmarks. It's so beautiful.

It was lovely to walk home hand in hand, and we didn't really have far to go. It was a fantastic night and I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed anything for quite some time. Thank you Liam xx

Issue Number three: The Birthday

It was my friend Laura's birthday yesterday, and on Friday some friends and I were out with her at the pub for drinks and a meal. While there I thought (as I often do) about how she is 2 weeks older than me, so as a result, ever since being children, she had the party/night out and I went along and was happy with that, but maybe it would be nice to do something myself...?

So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)

The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.

I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?

But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?

I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.

I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?

I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?



OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...

I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!

What else?!?!

Issue number two: My Body

So I've been plodding along ok recently, in regards to how I look.
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.

It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...

The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.

I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.

I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.

I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.

So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.

Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!

Update on issue number one: Families

Cousin Mez called yesterday. David wants to meet up with me.
This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.

Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.

I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.

I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:

• I can meet at home or at a park or somewhere
• I can meet with or without Liam and children
• I can arrange a way to leave quick, or a pre-arranged 'we need to leave by __ because...'
• I don't have to discuss deep things with either of them
• I can use this as a way to follow up and come back to things later
• I can be bloody stunning and slap on the war paint to ooze confidence the park will also mean sunglasses maybe
• I don't need to panic - I can be in control.

I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.

I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.

In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!

Issue number one: Families

Well here I am again. You can tell that I've either been very busy or particularly down, by the lack of my blog entries. Unfortunately it is the latter and I'm just getting over one of life's blips now. I'd better go over the issues in smaller chunks, as some need explaining.

I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.

The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.

When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.

So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.

And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.

A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.

The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?

But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.

I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.

One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.

So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.

It bloody sucks, you know?