Dejected

I've been feeling really low for the past week or two. 'Burning the candle at both ends' is a phrase that springs to mind, but I don't know how I'm doing more than usual really.

Previously, I had been going to bed often between 1:30-2am and getting up between 7-7:30. Now I get up at 6:15 (or thereabouts) but I'm shattered by 11pm! I've lost a couple of hours somewhere...
I'm getting up earlier to walk Tonks for longer. Often a child or two comes with me, Frazer and whoever else is dressed. We go to the park around the corner and come back just as the sun is rising, half an hour later. I think it's helping a little, I hope.

I've been stressing about her eating and chewing everything, so I'm trying to find ways to stop it. I've been trying to get the children to school on time and pick them up promptly too. I need to keep up with my reading (way behind) and try to keep our home in order while also trying to keep track of my spending and trying not to stress about going overdrawn on an account that does not have an overdraft...
I am not succeeding at all of these.

Consequently, when Valentines Day rolled around I was just not in the mood. I moaned about having to pick a card that would be discarded within days, probably only looked at once, costs £3 and just doesn't connect with my feelings in any way. I was also moody because Liam completely and utterly spoiled me last year, with champagne, flowers and chocolates delivered, a meal at a posh restaurant with a burlesque show and presents too! Not only this but he was smitten with me, made me feel gorgeous and the night after it all was pretty good too!
This year I knew he was broke, he had told me that he had got me a little gift and if anything this upset me more. I had nothing - no money at all to buy him a present, no mind to make a gift and no energy to make a 'present' of myself. I've been completely lacking in self confidence and hating my body. Our Love life has been near non existent and I don't feel that he wants me like he did once. So this coupled together made me want to make an effort even less.

Anyway, the 14th rolled around and he gave me two gifts - I gave him a card. It was a nice card, but I didn't write much in it, and after his, and the gifts, I felt guilty!
In my first present was a gorgeous cardigan - I'm wearing it now and did yesterday too. He said he tried to find one like the one he gave me for Christmas that I loved so much but couldn't find one. This is lovely though. In this present was also a keyring with a kind of digital photo album on - so that I don't have to keep all my pics on my camera memory to show people!
the second gift took the biscuit though - a river boat cruise with a 3 course gourmet meal, followed by a trip on the London Eye for the two of us.
I resolved to make an effort that day, I had been tempted but he pushed me in to feeling better about it all; he truly is my darling.

I got the house tidied as best as I could, while trying to do a (very) basic dinner for the children (as Liam was going to be late home). Needless to say, the dinner was not all that, but they ate enough. I had bought some strawberries and galaxy chocolate for a fondue set I've never used (I'm a Cadburies girl but Galaxy is the best for melting). Liam (sweetheart!) bought me some Diet coke, Lindors and Champagne on the way home, then ordered takeaway for dinner. I suggested we watch a film, so we sat down to the *very* unromantic Transformers movie on sky box office. It was very enjoyable though!

So he's been lovely, he has next week off, next week is half term holidays, I have time to train and be with Tonks, play with kids, the house is tidier than it has been in a while, my OU grant came in today - so why am I feeling Sad and Dejected?
You may well ask I suppose.

One of the things that had really been bringing me down was the thought that I might not be able to cope with another baby just yet. Rational mind says that it's about a year away until a baby would arrive, so plenty can change and I wouldn't be doing my course then, but panic mode says that I'm stressing and tired and broke because of life as it is now - can I really add to it?
Well this morning I felt positive for the first time in ages. I could safely look at baby clothes once again, without it making me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, or start stressing at the sight of a pushchair without understanding why. A lot of it was unconscious I think.

Still not got it though - I've still not told you.

Today I phoned Liam and while on the phone (in my unusual upbeat and cheerful mood) I checked with him, as I have done before, that he is definitely still OK with having another baby. He said he is, but he's worried because if he gets this PCSO job, then policing hours might mean he's not here to help get kiddies ready for school etc.
Now really, I don't think another baby will make this harder than the impossibility it already feels like - we'd just cope as we would without a baby - I'd have him/her strapped on to keep quiet and snug, we'd do it.
But dodgy hours threw me, I hadn't thought about it and then I suddenly couldn't stop. He's said he can stick with this job if I want him to, but I do NOT want him to. His happiness is important to me - so important. I don't know why all this makes me think I should delay trying for a baby, but it has. It's the uncertainty of how long to delay for, or whether we should at all, that is making me feels sick, stressed and sad once again.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost - so lost. I don't know what or who to cling on to and feel as though I'm wondering around without a clue of what to do or where to go.
I hate feeling upset like this.

I'd better go do dinner now, and get on with trying to enjoy the week holiday.