so the plan is...

The plan is (or was?) to get my coil out, at some point while Liam is off work, he's off work from today, for a week.
So why haven't I talked to him about it?

I've been trying to for about 2 weeks now, and yet every time I open up my mouth I get choked. Can't he even see it in me?
There's been so many uncomfortable silences recently. I'll give him a big hug and then want to say something, but I don't. I can't.

As I get in to bed, I want to say something, and I'm sure that as I doze off I try to speak. Probably comes out incoherent mumblings, but in my head it's a whole conversation.

I just want to ask him how he is feeling about it all now. to ask him if he is ready to support me and go through with it all.

I think that the reason I can not is because I am so, so scared that he will say he is not.
What if he is unwilling to help me? Doesn't want to come along to the clinic - or worse still, comes, but begrudgingly. I hate that.
He knows that I'm scared of internals and I need his support. He promised to give it but what if he's changed his mind?

I it's think the lack of talking about it from him - and when I say 'lack' I really mean NOTHING - AT - ALL. If he's saying nothing is he really thinking nothing on it? Or is he actually thinking such terrible thoughts that he does not want to share them with me?

I know I can cope, he knows that I cope. I know that he can cope and I will take up the extra when he needs to study. It will be no trouble at all once I'm off my course, less sleep but *far* less head-space to fill, and besides, it will actually be something I enjoy.


Maybe when we are together he looks at me differently than I think.
Does he see my scars? Does he look at my imperfections as an indication that I can never manage? I see the scars on my arms are fading away, there's not so many that are visible anymore, just the deepest ones.
My legs are a different matter, I'm not sure that all of them will ever go, and I'm certain that my biggest wrist one will be with me until the day I die. There's a certain irony in saying that...

So does he see me as a failure? I've promised I can cope, but I need to talk about these things. He knows that, I am 100% certain he knows that I need to talk. But I get no openings.

He keeps threatening to read this blog. I'm sure that he does not, but there's a part of me that's beyond caring now anyway. I can't talk to him after all, and everyone online must be sick of me going on about the same old stuff, and I could never say all this to my real life friends and family.
I feel so lonely sometimes.