Moody post

So today my world was flipped upside down.
I'm going along thinking we are having a good time; children and Liam off work, he's done planting with them, digging, baking, playing, etc, everything good and we are all happy.
Rowan has never handled school holidays well, even when he wasn't at school. This is his first holiday longer than a week since he's started and combined with the fact that he was obviously tired, obviously he got moody.
This upset Liam (it would upset anyone) and when the others started being pests too, he shouted at them. He only sent them upstairs, but as they were tired they cried noisily on the way.
Then he says to me;
'I don't know why you want children, with me being like this with the ones we already have'
It was horrible. It was all my fears of the past few weeks confirmed in one sentence. He obviously has been thinking about baby trying at some point, but only the bad stuff. The accusing tone he used blatantly said that he did not want a child at all (it came damn close to implying that he didn't want the ones we have!) and that the very idea of TTC is all my doing.

He said it to hurt too. I can tell, not just because of the way he said it, but how he watched me closely afterwards. He does that and then he asks me what's wrong, like he doesn't know. I asked him why he asked me and he said it was obvious there was something up, but said nothing more, which is pretty typical of the situation.
So why did he want to hurt me? Is it because he's been dwelling on this and waiting for a moment to lash out? Or did he not intend to hurt, but it's a thought that's been there for ages, and today he just couldn't keep it in?

Either way, I've been left wanting to cry ever since. And I've felt sick. I came close to wanting to make myself vomit actually, but resisted. You know why I resisted? Because of the baby! I've told myself for ages now, that I can't be thinking of getting pregnant if I can't stay sane enough to steer clear of self harm and eating disorders. So it's pretty crappy that I'm feeling like this over a baby related issue.

And that's it. That's the end of my crappy moan post. I don't know where I go from here to be honest.
I am quite thankful that I think Liam doesn't read this blog. I think he may have at some point but I don't think he does now. I've been honest anyway and told him that it's mainly boring stuff, although I do moan sometimes. I think he knows that if I moan about him it's with good cause, so he isn't bothered about reading that, but then I don't think I moan about him that often anyway.
Just this morning I was thinking what a fantastic husband he is. This afternoon I was so happy just to be with him, and I can't get over how lucky I am to be in such a Loving relationship with a man that so dotes on me and his children (oh, and he got me an expensive gift after his tutorial today!), when I know so many other people are stuck in relationships going nowhere but bringing them down.

Then I just feel torn apart and not sure where to go.

The most heartbreaking thing, is that when I feel down there is someone I can always rely on. I always have Liam to comfort and reassure me. His arms are always open, and his shoulder ready to cry on. He soothes me when I am down even if he can't make it better.
Yet with this I can not talk to him at all. When the person you Love and trust most of all is the one you have conflict with, it is the most miserable place your heart could ever possibly be in.