Relief

Gonna have to play catch up

Sunday

I worked at it, I slogged, I kept on going and I did it. I finished my TMA02! Liam took the children out, and I kept at it, then Liam's dad came back with them all from the park and I got back to it when he went. I can't quite believe that I did it! And I'm quietly confident that I will pass - if I managed a pass with my first one - which is even worse than I had previously thought! - then I should get a pass this time. Yes I would like a great grade, but a pass is what it's about in the end. I didn't manage to finish the bibliography until the evening after, and I always forget how deceptively long they take!


Monday

Was quiet mostly. I was feeling relieved to have finished my assignment, but obviously still had other crap hanging over my head.
We watched Skins - the last in series and it was quite upsetting. None of the main cast are back for the next series as far as I know either. Towards the end they did the '5 year test' where you take a look at your life and the lives of your friends and try to decide where you will be in 5 years time. I see Liam just starting on his next course - after plenty of work (but enjoying it mostly) he will have finished his Law Degree and be beginning his Bar vocation. Well, he tells me he might do the solicitor course rather than the barrister one, purely because he's more likely to get a job that way. I don't mind so long as he's happy (and preferably bringing home some money). He see's himself about the same, and asked me where I see myself - I said 'doing the school run' which was kinda depressing really, not least because I pictured school runs a they are now. Liam said, 'but with how many more in tow?' And at last I took the bait...

I did say, probably the same as now - because I was honestly not seeing myself with anymore, the way me and Liam have been recently. We talked a LOT - and I wont bore this blog with the details, but after a lot of talking and a lot of tears later, I knew where I stood with Liam, and it felt unstable.
We spoke some more, and when I felt we had got everything out that could be, I said what i had been holding on to. That I just simply did not know how I would or could cope if we don't have another. I didn't want to say this earlier on as I didn't want to be emotionally blackmailing him. He reacted as I expected and jumped straight in to 'well we'll have to get that coil out as soon as possible then and have a baby' but not in an enthusiastic way - in a practical, do it to save my wife's life kind of way. I had predicted as such, which is why I saved it until the last, and it was still depressing.

We spoke some more and decided that we will try for another. He isn't full of enthusiasm, but says that be probably will be when my belly starts showing.
*sigh*
I guess that's quite a man thing though isn't it? I left the conversation being hopeful, but not entirely certain, that he would be supportive, at least, not as supportive as I would like, because to be honest, he would need to be enthusiastic about the idea to be that degree of support to me.
I just don't want to do this alone, even though I know that once the baby is born I will be doing a lot without Liam's help.

Tuesday

I spent the day in a nice relaxed mood. Mostly.
As Laura had told the children that they would be staying at hers over the holidays and I hadn't yet heard anything, I was very pleased to get a text message from her asking if they could stay over that night.
I should say here that I don't fob my children off on other people wherever possible. I don't know why I have such a worry of coming across like that - I think it's because the children are always so desperate to stay at Laura's, that it can come across that I am desperate for them to stay there, if you know what I mean? It actually normally works out as more of a hassle for me than anything else - She usually can't have them until late in the evening, and wants me to take them home early the next day - she lives about a 40 minutes walk away and they stay up late, watch TV and eat junk there, so they often come home in hyperactive bad moods and fall asleep at the wrong time.
And yet I was glad! This is because after all the promises I was worried that they would be gutted going back to school with no Laura visit. So the plan is to take them to her at work, she told me she would try to shut at 5, but might not be able to right away, so I said we would be there are 5:30 - we actually were late and got there just before 6, but she didn't get out until past 6:30! And to make things worse, we weren't allowed in (it's a play zone) so we had to sit outside with 3 very bred and very hungry children, getting increasingly bored and hungry ourselves but not able to go as we had no idea when she would be out.

Well she took aaaaaaages. Which I wouldn't mind (she can't help her need to work) but I would have appreciated either a phone call in warning that she would be late, or that we were not allowed in. She didn't get out until over an hour after I said I would be there! Me and Liam then dashed to Tesco, because I was ravenous - and panicking. We had agreed to go to the clinic to get the Merina out this evening and I needed chocolate for comfort, plus high cocoa chocolate for shock/pheromones and paracetamol. I was so paranoid about the pain because I had been there before. It hurt like something awful going in!
Everything was going against us. On the way to Laura I saw a single magpie. Then Laura was so late out. Then in Tesco I found that Liam had used my bank card and left it at home, so we had minimal change with which to buy my food and painkillers, and no money to buy a drink to take the medicine with!
So we had to go home on the way to the clinic and by now it was *really* late. Liam really didn't want to go to the clinic that I was planning on (the only one that I had not had a bad experience in) as it's in a really dodgy area and it was quite dark out. So we called the other, closer clinic to see if they were open, but there was no answer. So he called the one I was planning on, to see if they knew and they said yes, and we dashed along as fast as possible.
But when we got there, we were told we were too late! The clinic didn't shut for about 20 minutes, but they don't take more people after a certain time. I almost cried while checking what time we do need to be there, for future reference. Even the fact that they had my records there didn't count apparently. They told me to try again on Thursday, but I said that wouldn't happen - that this was the first time we'd had a babysitter in months - I was really holding back tears now!
The receptionists had a bit of a debate and said I could be seen. This was kind of too much, and I don't know how I stopped myself from crying again. I was dreading a male Dr now though. but it was not. In fact, she was one of the nicest and most professional doctors I've met.

And it didn't hurt! The pain in my gut as I laid down and waited was worse than anything. She told me to cough and I did. Then I was about to ask if I needed to do it again but she said it was out! I hadn't even felt it. Then she pointed out something rather funny to us. As we had had intercourse in the past week (last night actually) there as a chance I could get pregnant, so I need to take a test in 4 weeks time. Now that would be a shocker!
We don't intend to try to conceive for another 2 months yet, so we got a wodge of condoms to bring home. This is just to let my body settle without hormones and an IUD before taking such a big leap, but if it was to happen, obviously we would be OK with that. (more than OK!)

Journey home required chocolate for the HUGE adrenalin rush and come down I was having - my teeth were chattering all the way home. And we got the most delicious ice cream on the way back - Lyle's Golden Syrup Sponge Pudding ice cream! Oh yum, the ice cream is vanilla and so soft, with cakey bits and loads of luverly golden syrup running through it. Ben and Jerry - you have a rival!
Liam was lovely, I must admit. A bit awkward feeling at times, and sometimes I got the impression that he just didn't know what to say to me, but he was nice. And has been since.