In case you haven't guessed, my title is a quote from Liam.
My reply? "Neither is grumpy arse-face-ness". Not exactly mature but bloody hell, has that man been in a mood all day or what?!
He was out early; he had Law training today lasting until 4pm. Learning how to reference things online and in a huge law library.
I was determined to get the children and Tonks to the woodlands, we wanted to see the Cuban carnival at the park too. Unfortunately we had to get our shopping done, and without Liam it meant we were late and it meant it was twice as stressful.
We got it done though, made lunch and took off to the woodlands. Passed by the carnival on the way and wow was it LOUD! As we had Tonks I said we'd look at the carnival on the way home, in the hope that she would be worn out and less likely to be naughty then.
We had a picnic and the children got a chance to try tree climbing (something we never seem to have the opportunity for) and then Tonks got a chance to try out water - she loved it! In and out, starting with a little dip to test and ending up swimming out to retrieve her dummy and chase after an angry mama duck. We went exploring in the woody areas and on the whole got completely worn out, scratched up and muddy. It was great!
Liam met us at the big hill, and we walked home together. He seemed to be instantly in a bad mood, which at the time I put down to my wearing a push up bra with a low cut dress. I was all held in, no bra on show, I tied the wrap dress super tight! But there you go, Liam for you. Hey, it's only him out all day again and do I know where he's gone for sure? just as well that I trust him not to be going off seeing someone else, because I tell you what? He is out an awful bloody lot, and his anger, annoyance and general discomfort would be seen as a guilty conscience by a LOT of people if they knew about it.
I bought takeaway for the children and Liam on the way home, so that we didn't miss Doctor Who - we are getting some seriously good finale stuff at the moment! I'm so worried that David Tennant is leaving - he is so great I can't imagine the show without him! mind you, I'm very attached to Donna too, and will miss her if/when she goes. There's spoilers around that I've read, but I'm hoping they are all wrong. I have only just recovered from Max's death in Hollyoaks yesterday! That was awful, I cried so much.
So tonight I'm thinking things are ok. We watched some TV together, I went online and then shut the lappy when it got boring. Watched more TV and I fell asleep against him. I woke up and got the washing out of the machine and spoke to my mum on the phone. Then I went back online and he goes to bed in a complete grump about my 'computer addiction'. FFS, I just don't get it - I am on the computer sure! But it's my only means of talking to friends really; he's the one able to talk to people at work, kung fu, his uni course, down at the allotment (occasionally) and here I am, not even been able to meet up with Maria this week! And when I met up with her usually it was only for an hour at the most. I'm fucking lonely you know. I don't think I want to be online so much, but what else is there for me? God that's sad. But seriously, if the people I talk to online were living next door then I'd be hanging over the garden fence for chats, and would Liam be any happier? I doubt it.
Ah well, I suppose I had better break my 'addiction' and go hang the washing up. No wait - if it really is an addiction that would mean I have to stay online all night, right? Oh dear, I'd better stay sat here but I must be breaking the mould, because I really do want to hang that washing up! So addiction or not, goodbye!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Crying - almost
I don't know what's up with me. I'm putting it down to hormones.
This morning I was so frustrated with being late and having so much to do. But I was grumpy! boy how grumpy! I was really moody and horrible to be around - I wanted to fling things and people all over the place I was so angry with the world.
Fast forward a couple of hours and I'm at the Friday toddler group with Rowan. I was sitting with a cuppa tea after the school dash and realised I was feeling sad, really sad. Since then I'm been on the point of tears just about all day - unless I have something that really occupies my attention. I even bought chocolate, something I am not only avoiding to lose weight, but also I've just not wanted it much recently. I bought a Flake to share with Rowan in the hope that the chocolate will perk me up. This means, as Liam said (on the phone) that at least I'm trying to pull myself out of it, which is better than letting it take over.
I've been down ever since though. It's not helping that once again we are not going out. I'm not surprised, because even though I may have wanted to, Liam went out last week with work friends (update: I was supposed to go out with him last week but we had no babysitter so he went out, blew £60 on drinks and was too tired to do anything the next day while I'm hyped up and wanting to move) and so hasn't been feeling that need to go out like I have. What makes it worse still is that the past 2 weeks Liam has said he will take me out on Friday but it's not happened. I just can't stop myself from getting my hopes up!
Actually, I think that might be what this mood is - self defence in a weird way. I think I'm down because I'm not letting myself get hopes up, if you know what I mean?
Damn. We are supposed to be TTC soon, and I wanted to get some adult time together before baby time happens. It's not going to happen, I just know it's not.
Ah well, off to do dinner for now, maybe I will cheer up at some point.
This morning I was so frustrated with being late and having so much to do. But I was grumpy! boy how grumpy! I was really moody and horrible to be around - I wanted to fling things and people all over the place I was so angry with the world.
Fast forward a couple of hours and I'm at the Friday toddler group with Rowan. I was sitting with a cuppa tea after the school dash and realised I was feeling sad, really sad. Since then I'm been on the point of tears just about all day - unless I have something that really occupies my attention. I even bought chocolate, something I am not only avoiding to lose weight, but also I've just not wanted it much recently. I bought a Flake to share with Rowan in the hope that the chocolate will perk me up. This means, as Liam said (on the phone) that at least I'm trying to pull myself out of it, which is better than letting it take over.
I've been down ever since though. It's not helping that once again we are not going out. I'm not surprised, because even though I may have wanted to, Liam went out last week with work friends (update: I was supposed to go out with him last week but we had no babysitter so he went out, blew £60 on drinks and was too tired to do anything the next day while I'm hyped up and wanting to move) and so hasn't been feeling that need to go out like I have. What makes it worse still is that the past 2 weeks Liam has said he will take me out on Friday but it's not happened. I just can't stop myself from getting my hopes up!
Actually, I think that might be what this mood is - self defence in a weird way. I think I'm down because I'm not letting myself get hopes up, if you know what I mean?
Damn. We are supposed to be TTC soon, and I wanted to get some adult time together before baby time happens. It's not going to happen, I just know it's not.
Ah well, off to do dinner for now, maybe I will cheer up at some point.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Breast Feeding Awareness
I'd still been smarting abotu losing my post to be honest, so that explains my quiet. I need somewhere to vent though, so here it comes...
Breast milk is not a *magic potion* - It's not fantastic, the best or special.
Breast milk is the biological norm. Formula - artificial - modified cows milk is simply a substance that falls below the norm.
Breastfed babies are not more intelligent because they were brought up on a magical liquid: they are of *normal* intelect. Formula fed babies are more likely to be of lower intelligence. It makes sense if you think about it - feeding a mammal the food naturally intended for it's growth will provide optimal development as nature intended. Feeding a mammal modified milk created for another species is never going to live up to the real thing.
I just do not understand why people are willing to believe the many, many studies that prove cigarettes to be cancerous, dangerous and often lethal - yet these same people refuse to believe that studies just as valid prove that non-breastfed humans are at higher risk!
We all know people that were artificially fed who are intelligent or allergy free - these people are an exception from the rule, and lucky them! I know of people that smoked 30 a day until they died of a ripe old age at 80, but it's not healthy to smoke is it?
These results are not the findings of silly little studies. They are based on years of research and they have covered people from many backgrounds - wealthy, middle or lower classes.
It is my belief that so many lower class/benefits mums bottle feed because it is handed out to them for free!
Cows milk is not the devil's juice - it has a place. About 1% of mothers can not breastfeed, and without the resources of donor human milk banks, we need an alternative. We should be aware though that the tins on the shelves of our supermarkets are recommended to be a last resort; the least desired alternative.
Mothers that formula feed often get angry. I believe they have every right to be angry! But I also believe the anger is misplaced when it is aimed at pro-breastfeeders.
I believe in choice - but there is no choice when mothers are forced to make an uninformed decision.
Would you make a lifestyle choice simply because of the lovey dovey fluffiness and bond fulfillment? Maybe not, I probably wouldn't. But if you were told that the alternative could increase your child's chance of death so significantly, I believe you might think again.
INFORMED CHOICE FOR WOMEN!
Breast milk is not a *magic potion* - It's not fantastic, the best or special.
Breast milk is the biological norm. Formula - artificial - modified cows milk is simply a substance that falls below the norm.
Breastfed babies are not more intelligent because they were brought up on a magical liquid: they are of *normal* intelect. Formula fed babies are more likely to be of lower intelligence. It makes sense if you think about it - feeding a mammal the food naturally intended for it's growth will provide optimal development as nature intended. Feeding a mammal modified milk created for another species is never going to live up to the real thing.
I just do not understand why people are willing to believe the many, many studies that prove cigarettes to be cancerous, dangerous and often lethal - yet these same people refuse to believe that studies just as valid prove that non-breastfed humans are at higher risk!
We all know people that were artificially fed who are intelligent or allergy free - these people are an exception from the rule, and lucky them! I know of people that smoked 30 a day until they died of a ripe old age at 80, but it's not healthy to smoke is it?
These results are not the findings of silly little studies. They are based on years of research and they have covered people from many backgrounds - wealthy, middle or lower classes.
It is my belief that so many lower class/benefits mums bottle feed because it is handed out to them for free!
Cows milk is not the devil's juice - it has a place. About 1% of mothers can not breastfeed, and without the resources of donor human milk banks, we need an alternative. We should be aware though that the tins on the shelves of our supermarkets are recommended to be a last resort; the least desired alternative.
Mothers that formula feed often get angry. I believe they have every right to be angry! But I also believe the anger is misplaced when it is aimed at pro-breastfeeders.
I believe in choice - but there is no choice when mothers are forced to make an uninformed decision.
Would you make a lifestyle choice simply because of the lovey dovey fluffiness and bond fulfillment? Maybe not, I probably wouldn't. But if you were told that the alternative could increase your child's chance of death so significantly, I believe you might think again.
INFORMED CHOICE FOR WOMEN!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Pity Party
I'm so lame today. I've done bugger all, apart from fecking about online and doing breakfast. I'm just mooching about the house, trying to decide what to do but taking so long that nothing will get done.
I was hoping to go to the breastfeeding art exhibition at Brick lane, but it seems that brick lane is just a bit too awkward for us to get to. I could have got the east london line but that's not working until 2012.
I debated taking Tonks with us to the woodlands - could have even had a picnic with the children and there's big open ponds there so the dog shouldn't get too hot. But I soon realised that it's a long distance, and Rowan probably would get way too tired before we got there and whine the rest of the time. The hot tarmac all the way there probably wouldn't be fair on Tonks either.
So here we are, me and Rowan still not dressed and I'm typing this feeling guilty because I wont let the children spend all day on the computer. Not that I've been online all day, jut a fair chunk of it.
I didn't do any work last night. I started and then dropped it in favour of checking out gypsy skirts on ebay. With no Liam to distract me I ended up bidding on 5 or 6 different items and then praying that I didn't win them all because in reality I can probably only afford one or two. I've won two and lost the rest, but at the last minute I bid on a skirt that I really really like. It costs a bit more, but it's colourful and pretty. It is a bit too big for me but I'm hoping I can take it in if I get it - half an hour to go still. I must resist not bidding more on it.
Liam has phoned me this morning, he had a crappy lonely night too. I am feeling slightly better than I did yesterday, because at least now I know he will be home tonight, even though it probably will be way after I'm in bed.
I never realised how much I would miss him, it almost hurts and I'm sure that if I let myself think about it too much I would end up crying or something silly like that.
I was hoping to go to the breastfeeding art exhibition at Brick lane, but it seems that brick lane is just a bit too awkward for us to get to. I could have got the east london line but that's not working until 2012.
I debated taking Tonks with us to the woodlands - could have even had a picnic with the children and there's big open ponds there so the dog shouldn't get too hot. But I soon realised that it's a long distance, and Rowan probably would get way too tired before we got there and whine the rest of the time. The hot tarmac all the way there probably wouldn't be fair on Tonks either.
So here we are, me and Rowan still not dressed and I'm typing this feeling guilty because I wont let the children spend all day on the computer. Not that I've been online all day, jut a fair chunk of it.
I didn't do any work last night. I started and then dropped it in favour of checking out gypsy skirts on ebay. With no Liam to distract me I ended up bidding on 5 or 6 different items and then praying that I didn't win them all because in reality I can probably only afford one or two. I've won two and lost the rest, but at the last minute I bid on a skirt that I really really like. It costs a bit more, but it's colourful and pretty. It is a bit too big for me but I'm hoping I can take it in if I get it - half an hour to go still. I must resist not bidding more on it.
Liam has phoned me this morning, he had a crappy lonely night too. I am feeling slightly better than I did yesterday, because at least now I know he will be home tonight, even though it probably will be way after I'm in bed.
I never realised how much I would miss him, it almost hurts and I'm sure that if I let myself think about it too much I would end up crying or something silly like that.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Lonely enough
Well I'm lonely enough to get over my strop and make an entry in here again. Lost all faith for a while though - why is it always on the good posts huh?
Anyway, I can't be arsed updating on what's happened, so it's probably not that wonderful.
Today is Saturday, and Liam has left us to go to a kung fu tournament. It's not until tomorrow, but an early start. He's traveling by coach to Oldham today, staying in a B&B over night and will be participating tomorrow. He's doing the Dragon form, I hope he does well - he's the only person from London taking part, and I think the only other person he will know there is Master Ang!
He will be coming home tomorrow, but not getting in until the small hours of Monday :( I miss him already.
Anyway, I can't be arsed updating on what's happened, so it's probably not that wonderful.
Today is Saturday, and Liam has left us to go to a kung fu tournament. It's not until tomorrow, but an early start. He's traveling by coach to Oldham today, staying in a B&B over night and will be participating tomorrow. He's doing the Dragon form, I hope he does well - he's the only person from London taking part, and I think the only other person he will know there is Master Ang!
He will be coming home tomorrow, but not getting in until the small hours of Monday :( I miss him already.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I am PISSED OFF NOW
fecking lost a whole blog i had typed out. No idea how it happened but Iw as so loved up and happy and now this fecking site has lost it for me AAGH!
and I'm blody up late when I enver needed to be, i should be fucking sleeping now but i thought I'd do this!!!
and I'm blody up late when I enver needed to be, i should be fucking sleeping now but i thought I'd do this!!!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Oh the ups and downs of my sex life eh?
Been a bit up and down recently!
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
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