Tomorrow is the day and they did it - I should have known they would do it and now they have.
I asked DH to text over the time we can meet in the park for tomorrow - I'm still not comfortable using my number.
I decided earlyish - 11, so then I wouldn't be worrying all day. As far I know he was sent a message back, asking if 11:30 is ok, and by the bandstand. Goodness knows why the bandstand, there's nothing in that end of the park at all! I was thinking the cafe, which is also near the duck pond and swings.
We replied ok.
Then Liam sent me an email to warn me that my granddad might be there.
This is it.
This is actually what I've been waiting for all along, but I stupidly, stupidly had hoped that it was too late for them to start doing that kind of thing. I don't want to see my granddad. He was the best person ever in my childhood and this illusion was shattered over the past few years.
I don't want to not go, say I'm sick or whatever, because 1) it will be obvious and 2) I probably wont have Liam with me next time and 3) I don't actually want to ignore David.
I was coping with meeting two - but mainly because out of everyone, David hasn't let me down at all, and Mez isn't too bad compared to the others. I wasn't happy - I only wanted to see David, but I was coping.
Now they've thrown someone else in, and not just anyone either. Liam has pointed out to me that I will be able to walk away, but they will see this as me making a fuss - it almost equates to confrontation in their eyes.
Plus I don't want to make David uncomfortable. I don't want to cause a fuss with David there. I don't want to cause a fuss with my children there. I just don't want a fuss, not yet. I am prepared to talk to another cousin, and had it planned to before all this came up. But I don't want to go along tomorrow and pretend like all is normal and nothing has happened. That's the game they want me to play - that's the game they always play. You ignore problems and eventually people stop talking about them. I don't see how I can discourage them thinking that without making a fuss. Unless my granddad gets locked indoors tomorrow, things will be uncomfortable.
I just hate this, I should have been more prepared.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Issue three continued: the birthday
Here's the big one.
I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.
I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.
Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.
So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.
Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.
I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.
Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?
Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.
I'm going to cancel my birthday plans.
I'm just really crap at this socialising malarkey, I can't do it. All I do is panic about it whenever I think of it. People wont come; if they do there wont be enough and I'll have made an OTT amount of fuss. I'll worry and stress right through it; the stress of getting things there, finding themed things, finding the money to pay for things, just doing ti all, it's just too much.
I've been crying today. I'm just so pathetic. I told Liam first, and then Laura. I feel bad as Laura has been helping me with ideas and arranging things (the minimal I have done anyway). I was worried that I would upset her by changing my mind with only 9 days to go. At first I thought I wanted to change to a roller disco http://www.renaissancerooms.co.uk/?section=club&action=home but then I thought I'm not sure if I can even handle that, really.
Laura was really good about it, she phoned when she got my text message. She asked me if I really wanted to cancel it, or if I was just panicking. I said that maybe I did want to do it, but now every time I think about it I worry, and I'd be panicking until it was all over, and as Laura pointed out, this would just not be worth it.
So now I'm heading off to facebook. I'll put the message up on my events page that it's canceled, as many people have not committed to coming it shouldn't matter, I hope. I think I've only invited one person by text message, so that's easy to rectify.
Laura asked me if I would be ok going from having a birthday thing planned, to having nothing. I think I will be; I never do anything anyway normally. And besides, with children around you can't ignore a birthday entirely, they'll always want cake or something.
Liam suggested having dinner, and with the kids if we want. I asked how this would actually be different from any other night of our lives - we have dinner with the children every day - but he said we can make it special.
What I'd actually like to do, is arrange dinner, just for us and the kids, but tell anyone if they want to come over they can. I'd like to manage this without expecting anyone to come over, as I know they wont. But hey, if they did it would be a bonus I guess.
But then this is all a bit late and very feeble now. I just can't bring myself to want to do stuff. I just want to hide.
I could stem on from this, and point out how no one phones me for a conversation, no one texts me random messages (except Liam for both of these), no one offers to meet me and the kids in the park, and on all these counts I don't to it to others anyway. I know they all have their friends though, which is where I feel left out and isolated. I can't summon the energy to go in to it properly though, so I'll leave it.
Rowan's being a b*stard today - I know it's not good to call one's children names, but you have no idea. I just wish he would sleep. Plus I have my worries about tomorrow and the family meeting. Only two of them and in the grand scheme of things people that weren't as bad to me. How would I be with a proper meeting?
Oh just let me hide. From the world, biological families, friends that I'm never with, children, everything and everyone.
Issue Number Four: The anniversary
This one became a bit of a non-issue, as time went by, but I'm blogging about it anyway, as it was lovely.
I was worrying because I wanted it to be special for Liam, as I knew that he would make it special for me. As it transpired, he still has not received his present (he will soon, and he knows what it is and that it will be worth waiting for - I hope!) and he had to wait until after work to even get his card! I was making him one, and needed to use pure cotton, as of course, the second anniversary is cotton.
When I woke up, one of the first things Liam did (after about an hour of cuddling me, probably trying to wake me up) was to give m my card. It is beautiful, and he always things of something wonderful to write inside.
He also spoiled me, by giving me some perfume - Gucci Rush, which comes in the ugliest bottle ever! - and some makeup. He seems to be a fan of the YSL makeup, I must admit sit is very good stuff, and the gold box probably sways me further... He also had bought some beautiful underwear for me, and a lovely dress. The dress was given to me about a week before though, with the dress he gave me for my birthday, when he was worried about sizing and my body issues.
Somehow, despite the masses of time I had available that evening, I still managed to be late in getting ready. I blame the bag and Gok Wan. Gok has shown me how to make a plain bag look super, and the dress I was wearing that night (the early birthday present one) deserved a super bag. I bought a small handbag from Claire's accessories. It was a plain black, slightly shiny material, with a small handle and a tiny bow. I used a long black satin belt and made a big bow, which I stitched in place over the tiny bow, with the 'tail' bits dangling down long. I then cut off the handle, and had a pretty clutch!
I used my new makeup, new perfume and black and white silk dress. I straightened my hair and wore it down. I used a silver necklace with a pendant I had made specially after we were married. It is a silver leaf; it's actually a copy made from a leaf in bouquet, and one of my most personally valuable pieces of jewelery now. Liam had heard me mention a leafy bracelet from Asda that I had been looking at, and he bought it for me on the way home! What a star.
I feel guilty now, as Liam forgot to bring his cuff-links home from work, and I was slightly chaste in my attitude towards him after that. He had smart trousers and a crisp white shirt, but no jacket, and he had to roll up his shirt sleeves! All of a sudden I felt over dressed, as he seemed so casual.
This is because I panic. If we were going to Pizza Hut I might just about be ok, but somewhere slightly different, like Quincey's for eg, and I'd worry that I'm over dressed! I don't go out very often and so it's all a big deal to me. The OXO tower restaurant certainly seemed like a big deal to me, it's a posh place and expensive too, central London and all those things make me nervous.
But as I said to Liam once we got there, just having a drink, or a quick walk around probably would calm me. We went for the former, and had a quick drink in the bar joined to the restaurant. In this bar I got mistaken for a singer! Which was quite nice, I assume she wasn't ugly anyway lol! I'd Love to know who it was singing there now, we just missed her.
The dinner was scrummy. We did have to wait a while, but it was a lovely place to wait! WE got moved to a window seat, which was perfect, and even the table bread was delicious and more tasty than usual! I had lobster for starters, and salmon with crispy oyster as my main. The waiter brought out a square plate before our main meal, which had beautiful chocolate writing - 'Happy Anniversary' - and some gorgeous vanilla ice cream, all compliments of the chef.
The desert was the best ever - I had an Eton Mess, which was cream, strawberries, meringue and all sorts of lovely stuff in a tall glass with some fruity sorbet on shortbread to one side and some absolutely A-star *fantastic* jammy dodgers on the other side! Well, not jammy dodgers of course, but they look just like them in shape and style, only completely melt in the mouth and divine. I'd pay good money for a box of them!
The deserts all had drinks recommended to go with them, and I chose to have mine (Liam didn't drink any alcohol all night), it was a Moet Rose Champagne, and boy was that stuff happy juice! I only drunk it slowly, and yes, the whole atmosphere of a perfect night definitely added to it, but for a good hour or two after I had cheek-ache as I had been grinning for ages like I had a hanger in my mouth!
After we had eaten and paid, we went out on to the balcony to admire the view. You can see right over the Thames, and there were a few other couples out there with the same idea. We hung around and enjoyed the moment for some time, then I offered to take a photo for a couple near us, with the cunning plan that maybe they could take one of us too. They were delighted with this idea, but looking back on it I should have asked them to take one with Liam's camera phone too, as I never know if I'll ever receive the one they took on their camera. Ah well.
We went for a walk along the river, and ended up walking all the way home. On the way we went past the Tate Modern and The Globe. I went half way over the millenium bridge (Liam doesn't like bridges and doesn't like this one AT ALL) and took a good look at the view. It was amazing - if you face one way you see the St Paul's Cathedral in all it's splendour. At night it is lit up with a slightly blue glow, and kind of looks like salvation made in to a building. If you turn to face the other way, you see the Tate Modern, which at the moment has a HUGE mural, one picture, the one that catches your eye instantly, is of a young black man, holding a gun right in your face. It's a very emotive picture, and it kind of captures a lot of worries of those living in London at the moment. It seemed so poignant to have the two extremes on either end of the bridge, and all this passing water below.
That bridge is magnificent, I've never been on it before so I don't know what it is like in the daytime but I know that when I stood on it the other night I felt completely in awe and very very lucky to be living in London, so close to all these landmarks. It's so beautiful.
It was lovely to walk home hand in hand, and we didn't really have far to go. It was a fantastic night and I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed anything for quite some time. Thank you Liam xx
I was worrying because I wanted it to be special for Liam, as I knew that he would make it special for me. As it transpired, he still has not received his present (he will soon, and he knows what it is and that it will be worth waiting for - I hope!) and he had to wait until after work to even get his card! I was making him one, and needed to use pure cotton, as of course, the second anniversary is cotton.
When I woke up, one of the first things Liam did (after about an hour of cuddling me, probably trying to wake me up) was to give m my card. It is beautiful, and he always things of something wonderful to write inside.
He also spoiled me, by giving me some perfume - Gucci Rush, which comes in the ugliest bottle ever! - and some makeup. He seems to be a fan of the YSL makeup, I must admit sit is very good stuff, and the gold box probably sways me further... He also had bought some beautiful underwear for me, and a lovely dress. The dress was given to me about a week before though, with the dress he gave me for my birthday, when he was worried about sizing and my body issues.
Somehow, despite the masses of time I had available that evening, I still managed to be late in getting ready. I blame the bag and Gok Wan. Gok has shown me how to make a plain bag look super, and the dress I was wearing that night (the early birthday present one) deserved a super bag. I bought a small handbag from Claire's accessories. It was a plain black, slightly shiny material, with a small handle and a tiny bow. I used a long black satin belt and made a big bow, which I stitched in place over the tiny bow, with the 'tail' bits dangling down long. I then cut off the handle, and had a pretty clutch!
I used my new makeup, new perfume and black and white silk dress. I straightened my hair and wore it down. I used a silver necklace with a pendant I had made specially after we were married. It is a silver leaf; it's actually a copy made from a leaf in bouquet, and one of my most personally valuable pieces of jewelery now. Liam had heard me mention a leafy bracelet from Asda that I had been looking at, and he bought it for me on the way home! What a star.
I feel guilty now, as Liam forgot to bring his cuff-links home from work, and I was slightly chaste in my attitude towards him after that. He had smart trousers and a crisp white shirt, but no jacket, and he had to roll up his shirt sleeves! All of a sudden I felt over dressed, as he seemed so casual.
This is because I panic. If we were going to Pizza Hut I might just about be ok, but somewhere slightly different, like Quincey's for eg, and I'd worry that I'm over dressed! I don't go out very often and so it's all a big deal to me. The OXO tower restaurant certainly seemed like a big deal to me, it's a posh place and expensive too, central London and all those things make me nervous.
But as I said to Liam once we got there, just having a drink, or a quick walk around probably would calm me. We went for the former, and had a quick drink in the bar joined to the restaurant. In this bar I got mistaken for a singer! Which was quite nice, I assume she wasn't ugly anyway lol! I'd Love to know who it was singing there now, we just missed her.
The dinner was scrummy. We did have to wait a while, but it was a lovely place to wait! WE got moved to a window seat, which was perfect, and even the table bread was delicious and more tasty than usual! I had lobster for starters, and salmon with crispy oyster as my main. The waiter brought out a square plate before our main meal, which had beautiful chocolate writing - 'Happy Anniversary' - and some gorgeous vanilla ice cream, all compliments of the chef.
The desert was the best ever - I had an Eton Mess, which was cream, strawberries, meringue and all sorts of lovely stuff in a tall glass with some fruity sorbet on shortbread to one side and some absolutely A-star *fantastic* jammy dodgers on the other side! Well, not jammy dodgers of course, but they look just like them in shape and style, only completely melt in the mouth and divine. I'd pay good money for a box of them!
The deserts all had drinks recommended to go with them, and I chose to have mine (Liam didn't drink any alcohol all night), it was a Moet Rose Champagne, and boy was that stuff happy juice! I only drunk it slowly, and yes, the whole atmosphere of a perfect night definitely added to it, but for a good hour or two after I had cheek-ache as I had been grinning for ages like I had a hanger in my mouth!
After we had eaten and paid, we went out on to the balcony to admire the view. You can see right over the Thames, and there were a few other couples out there with the same idea. We hung around and enjoyed the moment for some time, then I offered to take a photo for a couple near us, with the cunning plan that maybe they could take one of us too. They were delighted with this idea, but looking back on it I should have asked them to take one with Liam's camera phone too, as I never know if I'll ever receive the one they took on their camera. Ah well.
We went for a walk along the river, and ended up walking all the way home. On the way we went past the Tate Modern and The Globe. I went half way over the millenium bridge (Liam doesn't like bridges and doesn't like this one AT ALL) and took a good look at the view. It was amazing - if you face one way you see the St Paul's Cathedral in all it's splendour. At night it is lit up with a slightly blue glow, and kind of looks like salvation made in to a building. If you turn to face the other way, you see the Tate Modern, which at the moment has a HUGE mural, one picture, the one that catches your eye instantly, is of a young black man, holding a gun right in your face. It's a very emotive picture, and it kind of captures a lot of worries of those living in London at the moment. It seemed so poignant to have the two extremes on either end of the bridge, and all this passing water below.
That bridge is magnificent, I've never been on it before so I don't know what it is like in the daytime but I know that when I stood on it the other night I felt completely in awe and very very lucky to be living in London, so close to all these landmarks. It's so beautiful.
It was lovely to walk home hand in hand, and we didn't really have far to go. It was a fantastic night and I enjoyed it more than I've enjoyed anything for quite some time. Thank you Liam xx
Monday, August 4, 2008
Issue Number three: The Birthday
It was my friend Laura's birthday yesterday, and on Friday some friends and I were out with her at the pub for drinks and a meal. While there I thought (as I often do) about how she is 2 weeks older than me, so as a result, ever since being children, she had the party/night out and I went along and was happy with that, but maybe it would be nice to do something myself...?
So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)
The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.
I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?
But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?
I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.
I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?
I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?
OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...
I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!
What else?!?!
So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)
The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.
I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?
But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?
I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.
I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?
I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?
OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...
I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!
What else?!?!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Issue number two: My Body
So I've been plodding along ok recently, in regards to how I look.
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
Update on issue number one: Families
Cousin Mez called yesterday. David wants to meet up with me.
This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.
Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.
I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.
I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:
I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.
I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.
In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!
This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.
Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.
I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.
I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:
- I can meet at home or at a park or somewhere
- I can meet with or without Liam and children
- I can arrange a way to leave quick, or a pre-arranged 'we need to leave by __ because...'
- I don't have to discuss deep things with either of them
- I can use this as a way to follow up and come back to things later
- I can be bloody stunning and slap on the war paint to ooze confidence the park will also mean sunglasses maybe
- I don't need to panic - I can be in control.
I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.
I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.
In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Issue number one: Families
Well here I am again. You can tell that I've either been very busy or particularly down, by the lack of my blog entries. Unfortunately it is the latter and I'm just getting over one of life's blips now. I'd better go over the issues in smaller chunks, as some need explaining.
I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.
The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.
When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.
So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.
And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.
A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.
The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?
But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.
I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.
One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.
So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.
It bloody sucks, you know?
I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.
The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.
When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.
So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.
And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.
A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.
The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?
But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.
I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.
One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.
So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.
It bloody sucks, you know?
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