Sooo annoyed

Pesky School Mum

All is going well with TTC plans and thoughts, kinda. We've been doing ok anyway - You know I've already been saving a few bits for when the time comes... *oops*
Anyway, plan is to have coil out soon, and TTC about May-ish. You may wonder why I am annoyed.

In DD's class at school there is a little boy who is a brat beyond your imagination, I think I've mentioned him before. I'm normally very laid back and like to see good in people, but this boy and his mum get my back up a LOT. This boy is in with DD, putting me on tenterhooks, and he has bullied my DS1 in the playground. He has a sister, and I was *so* annoyed to see that she was in nursery with my DS2 *banghead* It's like I can't escape them!

Can you guess where I'm going?
The mum is pregnant, and due after September, so if my baby plans go well, I will once again have a child in the same class as hers. I know this sounds pathetic, but she is the one person I find really hard to be around, and she socially forces herself on me!

I'll be seeing her at anti and post natal groups, the BF cafe, toddler groups, everywhere mums with babies go, plus school in three classes eventually *banghead* I'll be biting my tongue off while listening to her bad BF advice - oh but ok, because she trained as a peer supporter (and ignored all she was taught) - and her Gina Ford mantra.
I only hope the next baby isn't like her other children, but TBH I think that is wishful thinking...

I seriously considered putting TTC off longer, I really did! But I can't do that to myself, it might take forever to conceive anyway.


Worried about the Course still

In fact, this evening I mailed my tutor the following;

I'm afraid I am behind

Dear Patricia,

I'm writing to you because I am in a difficult position and I don't know what to do.
My first TMA was dreadful - I am only too aware of this and was surprised to even get a pass grade. My reason for this is that I was falling asleep as I wrote it, and again as I sent it.
I'm actually falling asleep really often and I'm not sure if it's simply because of a hectic lifestyle, I'm making an appointment with my GP to rule out any other more sinister possibilities anyway, as it also happens in public places which is obviously not good.

I understand that this is really not of importance to you, so I apologise for making this email long winded.
I really believed that I would do so badly with my first TMA that there would be no point in continuing the course. Consequently, I neglected my studies quite a bit and have now fallen behind. This is now really frustrating for me, as I have become so interested in the course, and I would really like to continue! I've even been making notes of other novels mentioned that I would like to read when this course is finished.

I've still not managed to read right the way through Great Expectations, but I have read Fathers and Sons and Frankenstein. On the course book, The Realist Novel, I am only half way through chapter 4.
I would like your opinion on if there is any way I can feasibly catch up and continue on this course. My 3 children are on their spring holiday next week, and my husband is off work too, so I should be able to get some more study time in if my husband takes over child care a bit more.

If you do not feel that I can do this course justice, or that I stand no chance in passing, etc, then please could you let me know, I shall respect your thoughts and hopefully will re-take the course in a few years time.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this email,
Elaine

I don't know what the effect, if any, will be. I only hope she replies soon. I have my second TMA due in tomorrow, and there's little to no chance that I will manage this. If I do get the assignment in, it will be winging it on the little info I have on the subject, and praying that it is enough to scrape a pass. From then on I will have to just jump to the next chunk of course work rather than try to catch up - and then try o read up on all the bits I missed if by some fluke I get ahead on the course, or read it when I'm done. Hopefully if I get pregnant I'll have some reading time spare over those 9 months and early breastfeeding days!

What was I thinking!?

Roller Disco No No


Oh dear, what was I thinking? Did I mention the Roller Disco before now? A woman from Liam's kung fu is having an 70's-80's themed Roller disco for her birthday. I though this sounded really fun so said Liam should go (and take me!) but he didn't want to.
Then he did.
Now I don't know if I want to!
I get so intimidated by the kung fu folks, don't I? And I wont know anyone there apart from Liam. I might know a few faces but that's it. then again, I should just take the plunge...
I don't think I have much choice. Liam is definitely going, and he wants me to go with him. That's enough to push me really. I don't actually not want to go, I'm just nervous. I'm not good at meeting people anymore. I used to be ok - It's like me and Liam have switched actually.
Not surprising really, considering that Liam talks to human adults every day a work, socialises and actually organises and runs a kung fu class, meets people at tutorials and uni/law related things, plus although he's not done it for a while, over the past few years he's been way mroe likely to go out with friends than I ever am.

Sheesh, I'm a bloody hermit. It's no wonder I'm becoming people-phobic.

I need to think of an 80's outfit, I thought I was getting somewhere actually but Liam pretty much shot it down. Then he seemed pretty unsure of whether anyone actually would be dressing up anyway, and considering I don't see the Birthday Girl I have no way of contacting her to ask how all out anyone will be going.
Sods law says that if I go dressed up everyone else wont be, and if I don't then they will be. Either way I'm bound to be the odd one out.
Dammit, I was really looking forward to doing the 80's thing! I never got the chance to at the time, and I really wanted to for my hen night but it never got organised in the end. Maybe one day it will happen. For now I'll just dig out a crappy old 80' retro T-shirt. Well it's not that crappy I suppose - it's just not what I wanted, more casual than going out-y.

I need to cheer up!

OK, I know how to do that ;o) Betcha can guess what's coming?
I resisted the baby clothes aisles today, and the maternity stuff too! However, I did get a rather splendiferous parcel from Tracy. A gorgeous maternity dress, and two long tops too. It's great because in pregnancy I always make do with whatever I can get - it'll be nice to wear some nice things.
Liam's still not talking though. I hate it - would it be so much to open up his mouth once or twice just to mention things? Is he scared to encourage me? He knows it's going to happen anyway so why not try to make is a happy event?
Maybe I'm reading too much in to things, he is a man after all. But I don't want him to be just any man - I want him to be the supportive husband and father, the lovely man that knows what to do and say to make me feel secure.
Gaahhhhh! Pregnant woman on the TV! Cow, lol. I'd better switch it off and get on with my work.

Diary of a Baby Obsessive

Do you think I should change my blog name?

lol - I'm starting to think that I should!
Every night it's the last thing I think of. I lay in bed and relax. I imagine my belly growing, sometimes i start right from the very thought of conception, of the little foetus implanting in my womb, maybe even more than one!
I go through the pregnancy in my head, how I will feel, how Liam likes to hold me and stroke my belly. I imagine the other children feeling the baby kick their hands, and telling them about their sibling growing inside me.
I think of the labour, how nice it would be to give birth at home with a (hopefully!) supportive midwife in a warm protective pool, with Liam at my side.
How lovely it would be to carry our baby, in a sling, to feed him/her, snuggled up in bed together...
I can imagine the baby growing, having another toddler, the funny things they come out with when they start talking - I Love that toddler humour!

There's just so much, I can't even begin. That's why I fall asleep so fast, it's all happy thoughts that I am so comforted I drift off in no time! even if it did take a while to fall asleep I'd have plenty to think about until I got there, lol!


I had a revelation today

Something I had never thought of before, would never have even considered - but it makes so much sense!
One of the reasons I put off having a baby - there are so many, but I don't often talk about them - I realised what one is today. Fear, once again, but fear in a different sense.
Since the time that Frazer became sick, I've been so, so aware of how close I am to losing them. Every day, every night comes with a risk. It may be a a low one, but looking back and knowing how close Frazer was to death back then Wow, it really sticks in my head. How can I risk that again?
I should be able to say 'easily' - because of all the Love, joy and wonderful excitement they bring. I do think this way most of the time; it was only today that I realised there as an unconscious reason deep in there. I don't think it will bother me as much now that I have acknowledged it, I hope so anyway.

So today was a kung fu day...

And it went ok - seriously, it did! I did some white light visualisation on the journey there. I even called on my angel if i have one, to watch over me. I've never heard back from him/her though, any time I've asked so I do wonder if they are there for me. Funny, because the psychic taroists never 'see' anyone with me either.
Anyway - off on a tangent there! Rowan was a brat (no surprise), Frazer kept acting like he had a heart attack and was lazing about (common occurrence) and Scarlett was OK, Liam was nice too. Next week Master Ang will be there, and the children are supposed to be doing a demo - I wish we had more time to prepare now! I want them to all be able to go, but Rowan will let us down for sure, and it's fairly likely hat Frazer will falter under the pressure. Either that or do really well - I should give him more credit. What to do with Rowan though? I know realistically that he is only young. He's the youngest there and just not used to all this taking orders - will he ever be? lol


I Love My Tattooist (to be)

She's great - Sarah Street http://www.mantratattoo.com/res_artists/sarah/image_viewer/index.php
I've told her what I want doing, and she's sent me some gorgeous sketches! I want it done in three parts but it's so pretty that I'm getting tempted to get it all done at once if I could. As it stands I'm not even sure if I can afford one part of it. It'll last a few hours and she charges by the hour.
I'm having blossom type flowers down one side of my back, and stars echoing it on the other side. In the middle I want a moonlit fairy scene, and I'm going to have the little pixies based on my children.
I was thinking of getting the blossoms done first, then the stars to complete the 'frame' and lastly have the fairies put in. I'm ware that it could take well over a year to get all this done, because I intend on being pregnant (hopefully) shortly after I get the first stage done.
But the money! AAAGGGHHHH. I would be tempted to ask Liam to give me it as a Birthday present, but he doesn't have the money either. Besides, I like getting a present on my big day ;o) lol!



Anyway
I've gotta stop there because I am so behind on OU work that I want to cry. The next TMA is due this thursday which is quite depressing. I'm going to have to wing it without doing all the work required I think - I don't even have another tutorial before it's due! I've not even read the comments from my last one yet. I keep considering giving it up - I've lost all enthusiasm. The only reasons I keep going are that 1) I can't afford to pay back the book grant and will probably have to. 2) I just so want to prove myself as more than worthless. I want to be able to do this, and it's already going to take 6 years to achieve if I keep going straight as I am. I'll be stopping to have a baby (thank goodness!) but if I stop now it'll be a whole extra year to add on top.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that Liam doesn't turn all nasty on the baby idea. He's been so quiet about it that I'm absolutely petrified that the chance going to be snatched away from me.

Oh My, I really should be reading...

Scarlett is sick.

Today I am at home. For the past two nights Liam has been out; Kungfu then an OU Law thing. I know he has to do kungfu now that he teaches, and I encourage him to go to these Law thing and make contacts (though apparently at least one woman wanted to be a rather different kind of 'contact'!) but it's tiring doing the evening and late shift alone. Especially with Scarlett being the screaming banshee that she was last night.

He didn't get in until almost midnight, and stupidly I left it late getting stuff done. For some reason I had it in my head that I would do the clear up, lunches, uniforms etc, when he gets in - if I had known he would be so late I would have done it earlier so that I could sleep the moment he got in. Oh, I should mention here that he didn't have a key, lol.

This morning I had just enough time to get dressed and my shoes on (a la flylady) when Scarlett vomited all over the stairs. Minor chaos ensued before I realised Rowan would have to stay at home with me and Scarlett, Liam would have to get Frazer to school and I would need to get everything ready for Frazer to leave while Liam dashed out to put money on his Oyster card and reduce quite how late he was for work.

Scarlett was sick again just as Liam and Frazer left, and Rowan slept reeeeeeeeeaallllllllyyy late in my bed. He didn't get up until about 9 I think! Scarlett has been sleeping on and off - never leaving the sofa.

I'm really hoping that this is not a result o me doing dinners the past two nights in a row - I shall have to see how the boys fare...

Rowan is the king of cool fashion.

Minor disaster yesterday at the school - I went to discovery planet with Rowan in the morning, and when I put his boots on for nursery, I realised that about a third of the sole had peeled back from the shoe part of one boot! We were on time for nursery before I discovered this, so of course we were now bound to be late. I bought some superglue, but then realised I needed to give it an hour before using the boot again, so no good.

I dashed in to Adams and bought hims some super cool pumps - I saw them a while ago but none weer in his size. He calls them 'Doctor Who' shoes, because they are kinda converse-y and he adores them.

Teamed with his smart school trousers and shaggy hair, he just kind of works in this shaggy smart look of the moment, my little man! I've tried to put the picture in, but it insists that the pic can't go with the relevant writing *sigh*

I should have submitted this yesterday

I fell behind...
It's now Saturday. Scarlett was sick once this morning but slept fine last night. Since this morning she seems to be better and is holding her food down so far.
Liam is out again. He is at a tutorial today and as at the allotment this morning. I miss having him around but want him to do the stuff that needs doing. Last night he upset me anyway by doing one of his 'other men I must be sleeping with' comments. I went to bed and did my best to ignore how it made me feel. It's amazing how fast I can get to sleep even when annoyed. I think of my baby and I fall asleep on a happy thought every single night.

Hopefully we'll get painting tonight; purple for the front room at last. I'm going to change the colour of the photo frame edges to match and dye the furniture, or dye throws for them. I want a couple of cushions too.

Frazer needs shoes!
FGS he goes through them so fast! He's worn out his last pair without growing out of them. His wide feet and tendency to having ingrown toenails means that he needs width fitted shoes, which means Clarks as Startrite are too costly and hard to come by for me.
Clarks don't come cheap though, especially at the rate that my lot need them. Less than 2 weeks ago I got Frazer some cheap Tesco shoes just to tide him over until I could afford proper ones and he's almost worn through these already. Was going to take him to Clarks today but 1) we spent over £20 more than normal on shopping today and 2) I'm not sure I want to risk Scarlett on the buses yet. Liam is going to jiggle money around so that we can get the shoes, but the trip will have to wait until tomorrow; I'll go while Liam is at his mums with the other two.

Tonks is still going
How long do dogs bleed for!? It was two weeks yesterday and it's when she stops bleeding that I have to worry about apparently because then she will be fertile and other dogs will take an interest. I'm getting her neutered and chipped as soon as I can now that she's had her first season. Ideally I'd wait until she is about 2 and a half years old, but I don't want to risk it - for fears of stray dogs and it makes her more of a target for theft. After my old dog was stolen I'm not taking any chances.

Earth Hour Tonight
So our lights will all be off between 8 and 9pm and I will be having either the computer OR the TV on, lol. Only problem is that if we are decorating we could probably do with some light!
I hope plenty of people join in, there's really not much reason not to, and it all makes a difference. Together, everyone can make a difference.

Leaping from one down to another

Leaping from one down to another - that's how I feel half the time now.

It's a shame, because I'd been doing so well this weekend. Liam was fabby with the kids, I was happy, we gutted out the house, children even tidied(!) and we're making plans to decorate.

Back at school today and I'm worried about leaving Tonks all day, Frazer's almost worn through his cheap shoes already, I need to pay school dinner money for Scarlett, I have to get on with my coursework and I've found out that Frazer is struggling even more than I had thought at school.

In short; school time begins and reality hits me with a large, sharp slap in the face.

Listing the above in more (painful) detail:

Tonks is still bleeding - I'm taking her out on the long line in case she gets all hormonal and runs away - I am sporting burn marks on my hand to prove that she found a friend today - I think it was only because she wanted to play though, nothing more. But then the bleeding hasn't stopped yet and that's when the urges start apparently.
There's so many stray and free roaming dogs around here that I don't even dare walk her at a normal hour, let alone let her off lead! It's not fair on her, and she's chewing the house again dammit. Can't wait to get her neutered now.

Frazer completely knackered his last pair of shoes. I have to get him width fitted because of his toes (and fat feet) but Clarks shoes are so lovely and soft that he wears through them! I bought him a cheap pair of Tesco shoes bout a week ago to tide him over until I could afford new Clarks but he's scraped right through all the plastic coating already.

Dinner money for Scarlett wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't already have to pay back loan money, store card, money Liam spent on decorating stuff yesterday and countess other things Liam has paid for that I'm supposed to give back. We aren't as separated with money as it sounds (I think!) but Liam's money is all bills stuff so if I spend any I have to pay it back really.

Coursework is not a happy subject. I don't mind reading the novels, but hate the OU study books. I got my first assignment back and was shocked to see I had a 65% grade - I thought I would fail it for sure. I've not even forced myself to read the comments yet though - I'm so scared of what they will say.

I rummaged through the book-bags at bedtime today and found two sheets of paper with the alphabet on - one in lower case and one in upper case. I asked Frazer what they were for and he told me that a teacher takes him to learn his alphabet better with them. I asked if he meant writing his letters, or remembering them and he said both.
Both!? FFS he's beyond that I know he is! Is he playing dumb at school or is he really doing that badly?
Its so upsetting because he started off so well with his reading. I knew he lacked confidence so I built him up on that so that he could have something to excel at and he did! This was back in reception class - the teachers there were lovely too and really worked on building up his confidence. and then he got sick, but he pulled through that ok...
Then year one and bloody Brenda's class. I'm sure that did no good for him at all. I know it's easy to lay the blame at someone else's feet, but she really knocked his confidence back, and it was never strong to begin with.
He's in Jane's class now, and she's lovely, but she has told me she has to keep him in the lower group because even if he was capable of more, she has to keep him with stuff he can do, so that it doesn't knock his confidence all the more.
But I want to push him! I don't want to upset him though. Scarlett is doing so well - I'm worried that she will over take him soon and that really wont help how he feels. I'm kicking myself for not keeping up the reading all the time at home - it just gets so hard, we are all tired and have enough in our days to fill them.

So I'm having a slump. again.
You know, last week on Thursday I actually called my GP (had to leave a message, think she's on annual leave) to find out about this therapy I'm supposed to be on a waiting list for. I know what causes my problems, I just need to figure out ways of dealing with them.
I realised today that I have to get my eating and exercise back on track, because soon I'm going to end up fasting again, or vomiting, and I don't want to do either. For ages I've been telling myself that I want to be at my target weight before we start TTC but really I know more importantly I need to be of sound mind. I really don't want to be starving myself so soon before starting to make a baby.

I want to pull myself back up but I'm so tired. I'm really regretting doing this course, I just don't think I'm clever enough at all. I should have just joined a book club.

White Easter in London

We have snow!!!
I can't believe the weather men were right! Snow in London at Easter! :bounce: It's very fine and only settling on roofs etc, but it's SNOW!!!

Makes me giggle now, I was talking to some Kiwi mums at the BF cafe a couple of months back when we had that really warm spell. They were saying that's it, winter's over! I said Naaahh, we've had no snow yet!
Gotta admit, time was getting on a bit and I thought I might be wrong! lol



Me and Liam had a bit of a row last night, but I'm not entirely sure what about. Well, I know what it was about, but not sure where the bad feeling came from and of course he buggered off out of the room as usual so I was left none the wiser.
We were talking about parenting choices. I mentioned how I make all the decisions when it comes to our children. I rarely say it, but I pointed out how I don't mind this. When an important decision is to be made I bring the subject up with him. I don't often specifically ask him for his views because he never looks in to or reads up on anything, and he never has an opinion.
But I do bring it up! I see the conversation as an invitation for him to give his thoughts if he wants to - and as I have pointed out I would *gladly* take them on board.

I would prefer that he thought about something and cared enough to research it a little, even if it meant that he disagreed with my decision. I would prefer for us to make a decision together.
He says it will only lead to arguments, and that I come across as a 'dictator' style parent.
I don't want to be that kind of parent! As I pointed out to him, I do invite his opinions - I could leave the children with never getting vaccinations, I could have formula fed, I could have sent them to the crappy school nearby having never consulted him. Alternatively, I could have done all the things I have done without telling him. He would never have even known about vaccinations - he would never have given it thought how I fed our children because -in my eyes- he doesn't take the time to find these things out.

Now all this time I thought it was because he trusted me enough to make the RIGHT choice. I trust him to go out and get the money to feed us and he trusts me to make the important parenting decisions.
But no - apparently I'm a dictator parent and the reason he doesn't mention anything to me is because he's worried about the argument that he 'knows' will follow.
Of course I asked him for an example. When? Just once - when has he disagreed with me over a decision but been scared to say something? I knew there would be no answer and I was right.
These conversations/arguments *always* go the same way. If the roles were reversed he would accuse me of making it up for the sake of a row.

He tried to finish the conversation by repeatedly saying 'it doesn't matter, it's just me. It's just my view so it doesn't matter' - and I answered every time if it's 'just' you it's the whole of the rest of our parenting relationship!!! There are only two of us parents, so if he disagrees with something then that's half of us undecided - I *need* to know how he feels if he doesn't like something. If he doesn't say anything then how can we be joint in our decisions? He even said that the people I know online have more input in parenting decisions than him. FFS this just made me think *complex!*

So he got up and went downstairs. Following him would only make matters worse so I rolled over and was asleep within seconds.
I do find that funny I value my sleep FAR too much to be one of these people that can't sleep on an argument! lol Or maybe I'm just too shattered after each long day.

I don't like kung fu

This is going to be garbled. Maybe long winded.



Today at kung fu, I started crying. I was in the toilets and Rowan noticed me. He asked why I was sad, I told him it was because things were just too difficult or something like that. He went back to the class and I locked myself inside a toilet cubicle in case anyone else came in and saw me sobbing.



Why. I can't give specific reasons I think. I dislike the instructor above Liam because once he completely leapt on me in a defensive spiel because I had dared to say that I help run a breastfeeding cafe. Apparently his wife had been encouraged rather strongly to breastfeed without adequate help to keep her going and now she feels angry and guilty. This is how I see it.
How they see it I think is that she was forcibly pushed in to breastfeeding but she couldn't do it, and then was made to feel guilty when she gave up.
I tried to point out at the time that sadly, not enough support is available to mums that want to breastfeed, but you would be surprised at how intimidating a father can get when the occasion arises. He's much bigger than me, not to mention a martial arts expert - I'm intimidated by men at the best of times, and Liam didn't do or say a thing to help me. Even now he doesn't get it.

agh, there's so many reasons.

I hate going because of Rowan. He wants to go but takes part in less than half of the class. He only wants to do what he sees as achievable and interesting. He pushes in front of other children when they queue to go on the pads. He cries when he feels he has got something wrong. He is moody, he is an embarrassment.

Liam gets snippy at me. I am not allowed to make a suggestion but I don't know why! i think maybe he feels that I'm trying to take over 'his thing' and he doesn't even look to see why I might say something.
I'm very aware (and he is to an extent) that his longer term members might feel put out at this new kiddie kung fu thing, so I tried to catch Liam's eye when a black belt member showed up, who was obviously uncomfortable with taking part with the kiddie bit as the other lower belts had done. He was not doing as everyone else were doing and it would have been best to send him to do his thing straight away IMO than leave it until the black belt approached him.
But it's not my place to say.
It's also not my place to tell Frazer that it's OK to do a kick in a certain way, even though it's fine for other parents to say this to their children. Liam had chosen an easier kick this week, but Frazer wanted to prove that he could do the harder one. He obviously wanted Liam to notice his achievement too (he was trying so hard, bless him), but all Liam noticed was my saying something that he didn't want me to say. He didn't look any further than this.

I hate exercise anyway. I want to give it a go, I want to get better - especially as I'm doing this bloody race for life thing, but we don't do all that much exercise at the kiddie class anyway, and I can't stay behind for the later one with the children hanging around. Don;t think I'd want to anyway, with my inferiority complex going on.