Noooooo no no no no no no

I'm feeling under the weather.
Not sick enough to be in bed, but definitely no way near 100%. I just want to sit huddled up in as many layers as possible somewhere warm and soft...

I can't!

I have to get three bookday costumes ready and my first assignment is due on thursday, but I have a tutorial tomorrow night so I only have one day to do it really. Then there's all the usual stuff that overwhelms me on a regular day - 'snot fair! I normally get ill in the holidays, I don't have the time right now

*sniffle*

someone kick me out of this chair *coff*

Today is our Mothers' day, today is the day for us mums

Remembering not only how sweet mum was in caring for us when ill, but also the fear when caught scribbling on walls or pulling a sibling's hair! Today is the day to think of our maternal figure, whether it be your biological mother, a grandmother, Aunt, friend, foster mother or the spiritual among us may take this time to look towards Mary, or Mother Earth.

I'm trying to make it as meaningful as it should be for me this year, having never given enough thought before. I am incredibly thankful that my mother took me in as a teen, and held on to me ever since. We don't see enough of each other I suppose, but we always know that the other is there :)

From the other perspective, is this a time to think over my period as a mother?Holding my babies so close in my belly, giving birth, Love and care ever since. My children are still too young to 'get' it all I think, so it is more my time to appreciate being lucky enough to be a mother.
How fortunate are we? To have our babies that will be with us forever, that one day they may feel happy and proud to call me mum and some day become parents themselves.

Happy Mothers day to all the mamas out there.

ElaineXX

Not much going on

Ive not updated in a while, but really not much has been happening.

I'm still gaining weight, albeit very slowly (mercifully!). I'm about 6-7lbs over target now, but making a bit of effort this week.

Back at school this week and it was a bit hard going after only one week off! Maybe it's because Liam was off work with us. Our home is getting increasingly messy, to the point where I'm quite worried that I shall never regain control. There just always seems to be too much to do! I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and likely to get on with stuff today, but then I've already had to take Scarlett to ballet (Liam's at a tutorial) and collect an item for Liam from the sorting office (which wasn't even there after the loooonnnng queue dammit) and then I'll have to whisk Scarlett off to a party this afternoon (do these parties ever end??) so although feeling positive, I probably wont actually get any more than usual done at home.

I had a bit of a landmark moment with Tonks yesterday morning - as I was getting ready to put her lead on and return home, she suddenly saw a teenage boy come in to the park on his way to school and bombed after him faster than you could imagine! I quickly 'pipped' on my whistle and prayed that she would come back; she got within inches of this boy when she stopped and turned back to me like a bullet! Shocked was an understatement - and I was so so proud of her! Of course, as DH pointed out, it would be far better if she never run after him in the first place, but that moment really was a breakthrough and I hope that we can keep with it.
Today she had fun with another pup her age, a male Staff x weimaraner who kept trying to mount her! He really tried to dominate and Tonks lost all assertiveness, that was the first time I've seen her roll over for another dog, lol! But I'm glad in a way, she needs to experience all kinds of dogs while she's young and able to learn better.

Gah - I'm so *tired*!!! I could just fall asleep now, and my eyes are stinging like mad. I didn't go to bed that late and slept well, without getting up as early as usual this morning. Yet every single day I am falling asleep - I wish I knew why.

Fitness and Weightloss

Well I've not been weighed for a week or two now, and I had been awful on the food until recently.
This week I have been trying to make more effort, the past few days have been good for eating I think. But half term isn't as good because I do so much less walking without the school runs. Rowan wants to go to Kung Fu with his daddy and siblings, so now I go too. It's only an hour and really really light exercise as it's aimed for children, but it's more than I was doing I guess.

Means I fall behind on the washing and drying at home though!

I now have a sports bra and briefs, and a suitable pair of trainers for exercise. I'm jogging around the park a (very) little with Tonks in the mornings, but only if no one is there. It's a dual benefit thing - I want to get used to jogging and it kind of adds a 'pack' element to my relationship with her that I hope will help with training.
I'm only managing about 1 minute max though!

I have the 'Pelvicore' DVD, watched it last night and have been clenching ever since. I hope to get on with actually following it along at some point today. Hopefully it will help me tone my belly a bit, but more importantly, condition my pelvic floor so that I can get on with proper fitness stuff. If I stick with it that is.

I really wanted to do the race for life - it's become my 'thing'. I've always wanted to but never have. But it's on the same day Liam does KungFu and he doesn't seem to happy about having the children there while I run.
So there you go. This was suppose to be a post to say that I've signed up for the Race for Life but it's tuned in to a misery one instead. I know I could try to find a babysitter, or different venue etc, but it's just seeming to be not meant to be and I would really, really have liked his support.


...Gah! Men and Women eh?
Now Liam isn't going to the allotment because I'm 'obviously in a mood' and he doesn't want to upset me more. But all I've wanted is for a response along the lines of 'well done for going for it with the race for life this year' - he knows I've wanted to do it for years since it started but never had the guts If he thought about it he'd remember that my biological nan died from breast cancer, my mum's mum is dying from cancer and it's a subject close to my heart.
If he felt he really couldn't deal with all three of our kids that sunday then why not say something like 'I'm really sorry I don't think I'll be able to control them all and keep to the class - I'll hep you find a babysitter though.' ?! What's wrong with a bit of support for a scaredy non-exerciser?
And why why why can't men read women's minds?! And why does this have to be today with PMT hormonal me with a sore belly?

Gah! Poor Frazer

Frazer (aged 6) saw one of these in Asda and *desperately* wanted it from the moment he saw it.
http://tinyurl.com/36hge3
It's a 'Disney Cars Mega Mack Playtown' Reduced to £25 in Asda, costs £39 most places elsewhere.

I was going to buy and save it for his birthday, but he never even asked me for it - he insisted that he was going to save for it straight away. It's taken him weeks (and us inventing lots of chores to be paid for) but he got there today and bought it.

Half the parts were missing from the box.
It was the last one in Asda.
toysRus and other toys shops around here dont have it.

He was nearly crying when we told him that we had to take it back to the shop, and the dissapointment in his face when toysRus didn't have it either was a killer for me. I bought him a small toy and told him I would order it online but so far it's proven to be awkward. I've just found one in an Argos store, I'm going to reserve it but I've no idea how to get there as it's in east london!

Dejected

I've been feeling really low for the past week or two. 'Burning the candle at both ends' is a phrase that springs to mind, but I don't know how I'm doing more than usual really.

Previously, I had been going to bed often between 1:30-2am and getting up between 7-7:30. Now I get up at 6:15 (or thereabouts) but I'm shattered by 11pm! I've lost a couple of hours somewhere...
I'm getting up earlier to walk Tonks for longer. Often a child or two comes with me, Frazer and whoever else is dressed. We go to the park around the corner and come back just as the sun is rising, half an hour later. I think it's helping a little, I hope.

I've been stressing about her eating and chewing everything, so I'm trying to find ways to stop it. I've been trying to get the children to school on time and pick them up promptly too. I need to keep up with my reading (way behind) and try to keep our home in order while also trying to keep track of my spending and trying not to stress about going overdrawn on an account that does not have an overdraft...
I am not succeeding at all of these.

Consequently, when Valentines Day rolled around I was just not in the mood. I moaned about having to pick a card that would be discarded within days, probably only looked at once, costs £3 and just doesn't connect with my feelings in any way. I was also moody because Liam completely and utterly spoiled me last year, with champagne, flowers and chocolates delivered, a meal at a posh restaurant with a burlesque show and presents too! Not only this but he was smitten with me, made me feel gorgeous and the night after it all was pretty good too!
This year I knew he was broke, he had told me that he had got me a little gift and if anything this upset me more. I had nothing - no money at all to buy him a present, no mind to make a gift and no energy to make a 'present' of myself. I've been completely lacking in self confidence and hating my body. Our Love life has been near non existent and I don't feel that he wants me like he did once. So this coupled together made me want to make an effort even less.

Anyway, the 14th rolled around and he gave me two gifts - I gave him a card. It was a nice card, but I didn't write much in it, and after his, and the gifts, I felt guilty!
In my first present was a gorgeous cardigan - I'm wearing it now and did yesterday too. He said he tried to find one like the one he gave me for Christmas that I loved so much but couldn't find one. This is lovely though. In this present was also a keyring with a kind of digital photo album on - so that I don't have to keep all my pics on my camera memory to show people!
the second gift took the biscuit though - a river boat cruise with a 3 course gourmet meal, followed by a trip on the London Eye for the two of us.
I resolved to make an effort that day, I had been tempted but he pushed me in to feeling better about it all; he truly is my darling.

I got the house tidied as best as I could, while trying to do a (very) basic dinner for the children (as Liam was going to be late home). Needless to say, the dinner was not all that, but they ate enough. I had bought some strawberries and galaxy chocolate for a fondue set I've never used (I'm a Cadburies girl but Galaxy is the best for melting). Liam (sweetheart!) bought me some Diet coke, Lindors and Champagne on the way home, then ordered takeaway for dinner. I suggested we watch a film, so we sat down to the *very* unromantic Transformers movie on sky box office. It was very enjoyable though!

So he's been lovely, he has next week off, next week is half term holidays, I have time to train and be with Tonks, play with kids, the house is tidier than it has been in a while, my OU grant came in today - so why am I feeling Sad and Dejected?
You may well ask I suppose.

One of the things that had really been bringing me down was the thought that I might not be able to cope with another baby just yet. Rational mind says that it's about a year away until a baby would arrive, so plenty can change and I wouldn't be doing my course then, but panic mode says that I'm stressing and tired and broke because of life as it is now - can I really add to it?
Well this morning I felt positive for the first time in ages. I could safely look at baby clothes once again, without it making me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, or start stressing at the sight of a pushchair without understanding why. A lot of it was unconscious I think.

Still not got it though - I've still not told you.

Today I phoned Liam and while on the phone (in my unusual upbeat and cheerful mood) I checked with him, as I have done before, that he is definitely still OK with having another baby. He said he is, but he's worried because if he gets this PCSO job, then policing hours might mean he's not here to help get kiddies ready for school etc.
Now really, I don't think another baby will make this harder than the impossibility it already feels like - we'd just cope as we would without a baby - I'd have him/her strapped on to keep quiet and snug, we'd do it.
But dodgy hours threw me, I hadn't thought about it and then I suddenly couldn't stop. He's said he can stick with this job if I want him to, but I do NOT want him to. His happiness is important to me - so important. I don't know why all this makes me think I should delay trying for a baby, but it has. It's the uncertainty of how long to delay for, or whether we should at all, that is making me feels sick, stressed and sad once again.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost - so lost. I don't know what or who to cling on to and feel as though I'm wondering around without a clue of what to do or where to go.
I hate feeling upset like this.

I'd better go do dinner now, and get on with trying to enjoy the week holiday.

Tonks

I don't know what to do to help Tonks. She's 8 months old now and at some point I thought that the chewing and scratching of our house had got better, but we are going downhill again.

She only does it when not with us, so it can happen over night or while we are out.
She goes in to the utility room at night where she has a bed that is also a 'safe place' for her, ie, when there we don't disturb her. She used to chew the lino, but that seems to have got better. I sprayed everything with anti-bite stuff and it seemed to help. But she scratches at the walls - she's removed loads of plaster in there now. Not every night, but often I find piles of white dust on the floor

In the day time I let her have the run of our large kitchen, passage and utility room. I used to allow the living room but she kept finding things like DVDs to chew and as they are kept in there, I just decided to shut the door in the end. I think she still has enough space. Originally we only let her stay in the utility room, but she was taking it apart so much I had to change things. We tried using a crate but she was petrified of it. We tried for over 2 weeks to coax her in to it, but she would only even go near it once or twice. So that was when I went the opposite route and tried giving her more space to see if it would help, and it did, but only for a few weeks Now I find that when we are out and she is free downstairs, she is chewing what ever she can find.

I'm now dreading coming home each day. She has eaten loads of post - I'm getting a letter box cage thing, but worry that her not having post to shred will mean she destroys our house all the more. Yesterday afternoon we were out for 2 and a half hours and later I noticed that she had chewed a load of the skirting board on the stairs.

It's driving Liam mad, he's not nearly as doggy sympathetic as me but is trying.
Of course every time he gets angry I take it as a personal insult as Tonks is my dog and my responsibility. She can't help how she is but I need to help her - I just don't know how! I'm in almost all of the weekend, most of monday. From tuesday to friday I'm out from 8:30-16:15 but I have a neighbour to come in and see Tonks these days. But this doesn't seem to matter if she starts after being left for just over 2 hours.

So what can I do? I leave her toys, chew toys, cuddly toys, a bottle with holes in and kibble inside for her to roll out. A hollow 'bone' toy that I fill with food for her to work at getting out. As she seemed to like shredding so much I tried putting treats in folded down carboard tubes, she loves this but it doesn't help her to stop eating the house.
I'm taking her for a half hour walk in the morning, giving her a real chance to work off some energy and Darling Liam takes her out in the evenings for about 15 minutes for an on-lead walk even though he doesn't want to. This is about right I think - I've often read that it should be 5 minutes for every month of age per day until they are 13 months old. But now I'm thinking of upping it.
I try to do some clicker training with her each evening, but am not always able to, so we play fetch for a bit instead. What else can I do?! She's still messing and weeing indoors sometimes, but that's something I can deal with. If she keeps chewing and clawing our home apart then I'm worried that it will cause serious rifts with Liam.

I like the idea of clanging a baking tray if I catch her chewing or scratching - I'm sure it will scare the crap out of her, but I'm also certain it will WORK. I just need to figure out how to set her up so that she thinks we are all out.

Can I confess to you please? I know that here I (hopefully!) wont get judged.
I'm scared - I think I've taken on too much! I so so so so don't want to lose Tonks as I had to with Clifford, but then I know now that getting Clifford was a PND induced mistake of a decision. He was lovely but I couldn't do it.
Before we got Tonks I had huuuge broody feelings, and huuuuge doggie urges too. I didn't have to get a puppy, but prefered it because of the children. I knew I was fine with having a DOG and not just a 'cute puppy' IYKWIM?
But now I'm so worried that I'm not going to be able to cater for what she needs - I never expected things to end up so hard. It's not Tonks at all, it's our situation changes. I wanted to start TTC in a few months but now I'm worried that we wont be able to. I'm supposed to be doing an English Lit degree, but I'm worried I will have to give it up.

I just don't have enough time at home anymore, I can't seem to get organised even when I am in, but I'm trying, I really am!
I can take waiting for Tonks to be mature and chewing less (I know most dogs mature at 2, but Labs are more likely to be 3) but I wonder how much destruction she can do in those 2.5 years!