Leaping from one down to another

Leaping from one down to another - that's how I feel half the time now.

It's a shame, because I'd been doing so well this weekend. Liam was fabby with the kids, I was happy, we gutted out the house, children even tidied(!) and we're making plans to decorate.

Back at school today and I'm worried about leaving Tonks all day, Frazer's almost worn through his cheap shoes already, I need to pay school dinner money for Scarlett, I have to get on with my coursework and I've found out that Frazer is struggling even more than I had thought at school.

In short; school time begins and reality hits me with a large, sharp slap in the face.

Listing the above in more (painful) detail:

Tonks is still bleeding - I'm taking her out on the long line in case she gets all hormonal and runs away - I am sporting burn marks on my hand to prove that she found a friend today - I think it was only because she wanted to play though, nothing more. But then the bleeding hasn't stopped yet and that's when the urges start apparently.
There's so many stray and free roaming dogs around here that I don't even dare walk her at a normal hour, let alone let her off lead! It's not fair on her, and she's chewing the house again dammit. Can't wait to get her neutered now.

Frazer completely knackered his last pair of shoes. I have to get him width fitted because of his toes (and fat feet) but Clarks shoes are so lovely and soft that he wears through them! I bought him a cheap pair of Tesco shoes bout a week ago to tide him over until I could afford new Clarks but he's scraped right through all the plastic coating already.

Dinner money for Scarlett wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't already have to pay back loan money, store card, money Liam spent on decorating stuff yesterday and countess other things Liam has paid for that I'm supposed to give back. We aren't as separated with money as it sounds (I think!) but Liam's money is all bills stuff so if I spend any I have to pay it back really.

Coursework is not a happy subject. I don't mind reading the novels, but hate the OU study books. I got my first assignment back and was shocked to see I had a 65% grade - I thought I would fail it for sure. I've not even forced myself to read the comments yet though - I'm so scared of what they will say.

I rummaged through the book-bags at bedtime today and found two sheets of paper with the alphabet on - one in lower case and one in upper case. I asked Frazer what they were for and he told me that a teacher takes him to learn his alphabet better with them. I asked if he meant writing his letters, or remembering them and he said both.
Both!? FFS he's beyond that I know he is! Is he playing dumb at school or is he really doing that badly?
Its so upsetting because he started off so well with his reading. I knew he lacked confidence so I built him up on that so that he could have something to excel at and he did! This was back in reception class - the teachers there were lovely too and really worked on building up his confidence. and then he got sick, but he pulled through that ok...
Then year one and bloody Brenda's class. I'm sure that did no good for him at all. I know it's easy to lay the blame at someone else's feet, but she really knocked his confidence back, and it was never strong to begin with.
He's in Jane's class now, and she's lovely, but she has told me she has to keep him in the lower group because even if he was capable of more, she has to keep him with stuff he can do, so that it doesn't knock his confidence all the more.
But I want to push him! I don't want to upset him though. Scarlett is doing so well - I'm worried that she will over take him soon and that really wont help how he feels. I'm kicking myself for not keeping up the reading all the time at home - it just gets so hard, we are all tired and have enough in our days to fill them.

So I'm having a slump. again.
You know, last week on Thursday I actually called my GP (had to leave a message, think she's on annual leave) to find out about this therapy I'm supposed to be on a waiting list for. I know what causes my problems, I just need to figure out ways of dealing with them.
I realised today that I have to get my eating and exercise back on track, because soon I'm going to end up fasting again, or vomiting, and I don't want to do either. For ages I've been telling myself that I want to be at my target weight before we start TTC but really I know more importantly I need to be of sound mind. I really don't want to be starving myself so soon before starting to make a baby.

I want to pull myself back up but I'm so tired. I'm really regretting doing this course, I just don't think I'm clever enough at all. I should have just joined a book club.