I don't like kung fu

This is going to be garbled. Maybe long winded.



Today at kung fu, I started crying. I was in the toilets and Rowan noticed me. He asked why I was sad, I told him it was because things were just too difficult or something like that. He went back to the class and I locked myself inside a toilet cubicle in case anyone else came in and saw me sobbing.



Why. I can't give specific reasons I think. I dislike the instructor above Liam because once he completely leapt on me in a defensive spiel because I had dared to say that I help run a breastfeeding cafe. Apparently his wife had been encouraged rather strongly to breastfeed without adequate help to keep her going and now she feels angry and guilty. This is how I see it.
How they see it I think is that she was forcibly pushed in to breastfeeding but she couldn't do it, and then was made to feel guilty when she gave up.
I tried to point out at the time that sadly, not enough support is available to mums that want to breastfeed, but you would be surprised at how intimidating a father can get when the occasion arises. He's much bigger than me, not to mention a martial arts expert - I'm intimidated by men at the best of times, and Liam didn't do or say a thing to help me. Even now he doesn't get it.

agh, there's so many reasons.

I hate going because of Rowan. He wants to go but takes part in less than half of the class. He only wants to do what he sees as achievable and interesting. He pushes in front of other children when they queue to go on the pads. He cries when he feels he has got something wrong. He is moody, he is an embarrassment.

Liam gets snippy at me. I am not allowed to make a suggestion but I don't know why! i think maybe he feels that I'm trying to take over 'his thing' and he doesn't even look to see why I might say something.
I'm very aware (and he is to an extent) that his longer term members might feel put out at this new kiddie kung fu thing, so I tried to catch Liam's eye when a black belt member showed up, who was obviously uncomfortable with taking part with the kiddie bit as the other lower belts had done. He was not doing as everyone else were doing and it would have been best to send him to do his thing straight away IMO than leave it until the black belt approached him.
But it's not my place to say.
It's also not my place to tell Frazer that it's OK to do a kick in a certain way, even though it's fine for other parents to say this to their children. Liam had chosen an easier kick this week, but Frazer wanted to prove that he could do the harder one. He obviously wanted Liam to notice his achievement too (he was trying so hard, bless him), but all Liam noticed was my saying something that he didn't want me to say. He didn't look any further than this.

I hate exercise anyway. I want to give it a go, I want to get better - especially as I'm doing this bloody race for life thing, but we don't do all that much exercise at the kiddie class anyway, and I can't stay behind for the later one with the children hanging around. Don;t think I'd want to anyway, with my inferiority complex going on.