Diary of a Baby Obsessive

Do you think I should change my blog name?

lol - I'm starting to think that I should!
Every night it's the last thing I think of. I lay in bed and relax. I imagine my belly growing, sometimes i start right from the very thought of conception, of the little foetus implanting in my womb, maybe even more than one!
I go through the pregnancy in my head, how I will feel, how Liam likes to hold me and stroke my belly. I imagine the other children feeling the baby kick their hands, and telling them about their sibling growing inside me.
I think of the labour, how nice it would be to give birth at home with a (hopefully!) supportive midwife in a warm protective pool, with Liam at my side.
How lovely it would be to carry our baby, in a sling, to feed him/her, snuggled up in bed together...
I can imagine the baby growing, having another toddler, the funny things they come out with when they start talking - I Love that toddler humour!

There's just so much, I can't even begin. That's why I fall asleep so fast, it's all happy thoughts that I am so comforted I drift off in no time! even if it did take a while to fall asleep I'd have plenty to think about until I got there, lol!


I had a revelation today

Something I had never thought of before, would never have even considered - but it makes so much sense!
One of the reasons I put off having a baby - there are so many, but I don't often talk about them - I realised what one is today. Fear, once again, but fear in a different sense.
Since the time that Frazer became sick, I've been so, so aware of how close I am to losing them. Every day, every night comes with a risk. It may be a a low one, but looking back and knowing how close Frazer was to death back then Wow, it really sticks in my head. How can I risk that again?
I should be able to say 'easily' - because of all the Love, joy and wonderful excitement they bring. I do think this way most of the time; it was only today that I realised there as an unconscious reason deep in there. I don't think it will bother me as much now that I have acknowledged it, I hope so anyway.

So today was a kung fu day...

And it went ok - seriously, it did! I did some white light visualisation on the journey there. I even called on my angel if i have one, to watch over me. I've never heard back from him/her though, any time I've asked so I do wonder if they are there for me. Funny, because the psychic taroists never 'see' anyone with me either.
Anyway - off on a tangent there! Rowan was a brat (no surprise), Frazer kept acting like he had a heart attack and was lazing about (common occurrence) and Scarlett was OK, Liam was nice too. Next week Master Ang will be there, and the children are supposed to be doing a demo - I wish we had more time to prepare now! I want them to all be able to go, but Rowan will let us down for sure, and it's fairly likely hat Frazer will falter under the pressure. Either that or do really well - I should give him more credit. What to do with Rowan though? I know realistically that he is only young. He's the youngest there and just not used to all this taking orders - will he ever be? lol


I Love My Tattooist (to be)

She's great - Sarah Street http://www.mantratattoo.com/res_artists/sarah/image_viewer/index.php
I've told her what I want doing, and she's sent me some gorgeous sketches! I want it done in three parts but it's so pretty that I'm getting tempted to get it all done at once if I could. As it stands I'm not even sure if I can afford one part of it. It'll last a few hours and she charges by the hour.
I'm having blossom type flowers down one side of my back, and stars echoing it on the other side. In the middle I want a moonlit fairy scene, and I'm going to have the little pixies based on my children.
I was thinking of getting the blossoms done first, then the stars to complete the 'frame' and lastly have the fairies put in. I'm ware that it could take well over a year to get all this done, because I intend on being pregnant (hopefully) shortly after I get the first stage done.
But the money! AAAGGGHHHH. I would be tempted to ask Liam to give me it as a Birthday present, but he doesn't have the money either. Besides, I like getting a present on my big day ;o) lol!



Anyway
I've gotta stop there because I am so behind on OU work that I want to cry. The next TMA is due this thursday which is quite depressing. I'm going to have to wing it without doing all the work required I think - I don't even have another tutorial before it's due! I've not even read the comments from my last one yet. I keep considering giving it up - I've lost all enthusiasm. The only reasons I keep going are that 1) I can't afford to pay back the book grant and will probably have to. 2) I just so want to prove myself as more than worthless. I want to be able to do this, and it's already going to take 6 years to achieve if I keep going straight as I am. I'll be stopping to have a baby (thank goodness!) but if I stop now it'll be a whole extra year to add on top.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that Liam doesn't turn all nasty on the baby idea. He's been so quiet about it that I'm absolutely petrified that the chance going to be snatched away from me.