It was my friend Laura's birthday yesterday, and on Friday some friends and I were out with her at the pub for drinks and a meal. While there I thought (as I often do) about how she is 2 weeks older than me, so as a result, ever since being children, she had the party/night out and I went along and was happy with that, but maybe it would be nice to do something myself...?
So when we changed to the pub where my Laura's mum Lizzy works, I said, why don't I do something here? Laura has done it there before loads of times, just a few friends, provide food and maybe a game or two, everyone buys drinks. She always does fancy dress too, but this year she just did drinks at another pub, as I said above.
So, with the grand total of TWO glasses of wine in me and a little tipsy, I decide on a Goth Vs Cheerleaders party. I decide that this would be a *really* good idea and I want to do it. I invited everyone that was there with us (about 7 people at this point) and we even asked the pub manager about it, and if Liam's sister Ashleigh can come, although she is young. Wouldn't be getting her drinks (she's 15!) but could she come? They said yes :)
The day after I was scared to tell Liam. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I knew he would put a dampener on things, he's just always so negative without even realising.
I did tell him before Kung Fu and he asked where, I told him where and his first response was to pull a face and say 'I hate that pub!' - hmmm, I must have been right to worry then. I asked him why and he told me it's because it is an 'old mans pub'. When I later told him about my Goth~Cheerleader theme he moaned about how the old men in there would be 'grunting at all the girls' and 'having a heart attack at the short skirts'
He seemed to assume we would be taking our own music gear (we used to DJ for some parties) and when I mentioned that I wanted karaoke too, he assumed I would be taking Scarlett's machine. At this point I was feeling miserable and considering calling it off, so I said nothing back.
I saw Laura later (It was her birthday) and she pointed out that she'd much rather an old man's pub - it's much better than a young blokes pub with drink induced fights, leering, shouting and drugs. I wish she was with me when I had spoken to Liam!
I've been told that the pub has no entertainment booked for that weekend, so if I want it I have to pay for it and organise it myself. We can take our own stuff and I'm happy to. The way I see it is that it's not going to be a disco or anything so we don't even need to do mixing, just put some good tracks on a few CDs. I would have to go without the karaoke though, as we don't have enough karaoke CDs and I don't know if we can hook the machine up to the DJ speakers, it would be too small alone I think!
Liam wont be happy about leaving our DJ stuff overnight, but we've done it before more than once. The next day would be a kung fu one, so we wont be able to pick it up first thing in the morning, but then I don't think pubs are open that early on a Sunday are they?
But I've been having panic after panic.
Who do I invite? Will anyone actually come? Will I end up looking lonely and pathetic? Will I end up with more than I thought (doubt it) and then not have enough food? How much does music hiring cost? How much does karaoke hire cost? Will people be put off by fancy dress? Can I do all this in less than two weeks?
Why on earth can I organise and successfully execute themed childrens' parties but not a party for myself?
I am trying to think of it as a party I am organising for someone else. I'm trying to remember how I go about sorting the children's parties.
I have a list of 22 people to invite in London, but I think I can only rely on 10 of these saying yes, 2 probably cant (one work and one I have lost contact details to) and the rest I'm just not sure about. I guess because I'm not up to date on going out and doing things now, I've lost touch with everything.
Do I invite those from out of London? People online? They will have to make their way back when it's late so will probably either say no or I'll be worrying. What about those in London that I know and like, but never been out with? What about people with babies and children?
I think I just need to go for it. If I ask and people say no, it's not rejection. If people are busy, can't get a baby sitter or live too far then I haven't done any harm by inviting them anyway, have I?
OK, so we might be taking our own DJ bits. That's music sorted.
Food I can organise as I go along. Might take my chocolate fountain too!
Drinks people can buy while there.
Decorations I still need to think about.
Goody bags, I would like to do, but wont stress. I just think it's cute and fun!
Games and entertainment - this was more important when I was thinking karaoke, as I'd need something to keep people entertained until they were drunk enough to sing! Now I don't know what to do...
I also need to think of what I am going to wear?!
What else?!?!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Issue number two: My Body
So I've been plodding along ok recently, in regards to how I look.
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
Then sunday comes along, I have a busy day planned: Kung Fu for the kiddy class, leave early to get to the Summer Sling Show in time and then a picnic afterwards. As a reslt, I am wearing nicer clothes, rather than going to and leaving kung fu in my usual T-shirt and leggings.
At the bus stop, Liam looks at me and tells me that my bra isn't fitting properly. Dammit! When will men learn that you either tell someone before they leave the house (when they can do something about it) or not at all! I had to spend the day out hideously self conscious and covering myself up. I felt so crap.
It got worse and worse throughout the day. By Monday morning I was positively miserable, barely able to raise a smile even for the children. I looked at my body and hated it. It seems as though every part of me is sagging, my hair is dry and breaking, my face is spotty like a teenager, no matter how much weight I lose, my thighs and bum will always be big, my arms are too long for a load of tops I want, my feet are too big, I have allergies, I have a wrinkly belly...
The list went on and on and on. I thought horrible horrible thoughts about myself, and things that I could do.
I refused to self harm. I am quite pleased with that, although anyone reading might think it odd. Even now, thinking about having a baby is keeping me going. I can not self harm in any way, or starve, or vomit on purpose. I will not abuse laxatives and I will try to be healthy.
OK, so I was not of healthy mind, but I didn't know what to do about it.
I got weighed on monday evening and had gained weight. I am now a nice round 10 stone. I was so upset, I had failed again. Worse still, this left exactly half a stone to lose - 7lbs. The last time I starved myself for a week that's exactly how much I lost. But I couldn't let myself think of that, not matter how often it popped in to my mind.
Worse still, Liam is taking me out for a meal this week for our anniversary. A posh restaurant where I want to enjoy myself and have a good meal. But I will worry if I'm chewing each mouthful, thinking of how it's setting me back again.
I resolved to lose weight this week, and to get a good weight loss, but I *will not* let myself starve. I have been eating mainly fruit and veg this week, it's what I would call more of a diet than the Slimming World way of healthy eating.
Fruit salad for breakfast.
Salad or carrots with syn free hummus for lunch.
Salad for dinner, or a small amount of normal SW dinner, with salad to fill it out.
Fruit in between meals.
Obscene amounts of water and a few herbal teas.
I've also been exercising my ass off! Only one day this week have I not done a fitness DVD, gone on the punch bag or cross trainer. I am making a concerted effort not to make myself do double one day to make up for it. I'm also taking this attitude with the one day I had a pitta bread and a spoon of ice cream.
So I am hoping for a 3lb weight loss, but not to be disappointed if it's less. I need to bear in mind that anything off will take me below the 10st mark, and that I really want.
Being pro-active about getting fit and losing weight this week has helped me to feel better about myself, as have the beautiful dresses DH bought for anniversary and birthday gifts - I've gotta say, I look OK in them! I'm going to re-dye my hair today and eventually I'll get some chicken fillets for my bra and hope for the best!
Update on issue number one: Families
Cousin Mez called yesterday. David wants to meet up with me.
This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.
Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.
I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.
I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:
I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.
I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.
In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!
This, I am fine with. David has never done anything against me, at least, nothing that can't be put down to aspergers. Being my sibling he's put up with almost as much as I did, and I feel forever guilty at leaving him behind when I went in to care. I felt even worse when one day he came to me asking me to help him find a foster home - he was just so miserable with Pot. I remember asking him to write a letter to Social Services, bear in mind here that he had a very young mind, and was not great at all at writing. He must have spent almost all day on that letter, listing why he feels he shouldn't be with Pot, all the things she does that makes her a hideous parent. When I took him to to the SS office, they said that there was nothing they could do, but they would have to tell Pot about this.
I was so upset - I knew she would beat him for that! She definitely would have for me if I had done it, and it would have made my life hell for months afterwards. Once again, Social Services let us down hugely.
Anyway, I don't mind meeting David, I actually think it could be good. But Mez is coming, he's worried about coming alone. Damn! I wish he wasn't - I think we could have a much better time without her, I know I can make him feel comfortable, I could even ask him over for dinner.
I had a real freak-out about this when she called, I kept changing my mind on the phone - Friday, no, Thursday, home, no park, no maybe home! I was really confused.
To make matters worse, Mez is being really grateful that she got to speak to em, and asking me to make sure I keep in touch.
Fair enough, she's not done that much against me, and out of all the adults I think she's the only one that actually would have felt too intimidated to speak up against Pot on my behalf, and I think that wedding-wise, she probably needed to work, rather than stay off because of Pot. I don't know though, will have to find out if I can.
But I can't talk about these things in front of David. He would take it on board and get upset, and it's nothing to do with him. So this means delaying it all, being nice and conversational, instead of stiff and annoyed as I want to be, and I'll have to hold back asking questions that I want to ask.
I was shaking with panic yesterday evening after hanging up, but fortunately Liam was home soon after. I realised that I hadn't made anything concrete, but that I do have options:
- I can meet at home or at a park or somewhere
- I can meet with or without Liam and children
- I can arrange a way to leave quick, or a pre-arranged 'we need to leave by __ because...'
- I don't have to discuss deep things with either of them
- I can use this as a way to follow up and come back to things later
- I can be bloody stunning and slap on the war paint to ooze confidence the park will also mean sunglasses maybe
- I don't need to panic - I can be in control.
I am actually starting to feel more confident about it all.
I was saying to DH earlier how I am actually now feeling able to take one of them aside and pour out exactly why I've avoided them and how they have made me feel these past few years, and even if they don't take it all in, it will be rather cleansing for me and I can move from there. Even if I do go back to seeing more of them, I know now where I stand and I can know not to trust them again, and not to set myself any expectations.
In short, I don't have to be scared of them. If they don't like what I have to say then fine. If they still want to see me after I have said it then fine, I can put up with that, just not too often!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Issue number one: Families
Well here I am again. You can tell that I've either been very busy or particularly down, by the lack of my blog entries. Unfortunately it is the latter and I'm just getting over one of life's blips now. I'd better go over the issues in smaller chunks, as some need explaining.
I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.
The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.
When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.
So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.
And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.
A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.
The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?
But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.
I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.
One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.
So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.
It bloody sucks, you know?
I think the first thing to hit me was family issues.
I had a phone call from my granddad telling me that my biological brother was missing, and had been for a week. I couldn't glean that many details, but no one had been able to contact him, and despite the fact that David no longer is talking to me, they thought they'd better contact me in case he does.
The history of Elaine and her brother:
The history here is that David is 22years old and has Aspergers. This is a form of Autism, often a mild form, but can very much impair social abilities. The last I knew of David was about 3-4 years ago, and he still had the thinking of a child. He had an odd fashion sense, told a few people he was gay and at the time I wondered if he would eventually decide to become a woman (from the way he acted and dressed etc.)
He at some point decided that I thought far more of my sister (adoptive family) Kirsty than I did of him. She is the same age and 'normal'. Yes, I'll admit I like her more, but David is so like his mother - our biological mother - that it is hard for me to take, plus his aspergers just makes it harder to like him. I know that's not his fault, I know it's not PC, but it's the truth. If he were not my brother I would have had nothing to do with him.
As it was, I was close to him as a child, I was his mother figure to be honest. I changed his nappies when he was a baby (I was 6 when he was born), I fed him, taught him to read, babysat in the day and over night, defended him when the biological mother (from here on referred to as 'Pot', on account of her perma-pregnant belly) would get angry and hit him for not being able to tie his laces etc. We knew he had 'learning dificulties' and I can remember being 10 years old and certain that he was Autistic, yet it wasn't until he was 13 (9 years after I said it) that he was diagnosed. Having learning difficulties didn't stop Pot for thinking the worst of him, and pushing him to do things he simply was not able to do.
I was offered foster care when I was about 10 or 11. I refused the social worker's offer because - and I think this is a great quote, and a shocking example of social services - "I need to look after David."
How can a SW hear that and not do anything? The very reason I was later put on the at risk register, was in part, because of role reversal - I was the only parent of the house.
When I was 15, and after I had been through some horrific ordeals that I would never wish on anyone, I was put on the register, and I asked for foster care. Here's Social Services next cock up - they thought I would be better off at home with Pot.
I went to a foster family anyway and Kirsty was a new sibling. All of my new family were children of my foster mother, I was the outsider, as it were.
So bringing it back closer to the present, David got it in to his head at one point, that I like Kirsty more than him, and this of course is completely out of order, because he is a blood relation. I tried to placate him, but he would have none of it, and told me that he was no longer talking to me.
I've not followed it up, knowing that if he wants me, he knows where I am. I am aware that the Aspergers may make it harder for him to make contact, but then again, it also makes him more likely to get angry and hang up if I call him. From a completely selfish point of view, it's easier for me this way. He's hard to deal with for an average person, but having the links I have makes meetings very draining.
Thinking back on it now, I believe he had generous amounts of poison spilled in to his ear by Pot. She was incredibly jealous of my new family, and although she claimed to be friends with my new mother, she would slag her off to a great degree behind her back. But then Pot did that with everyone.
And back to the present...
I was told David was missing, last seen at an odd uncle's house, talking of going to the Elephant and Castle again. Not a good sign, as a couple of years ago David - out of the goodness of his childlike heart, I suspect - took a couple of homeless men back to his flat to stay. Of course he couldn't get rid of them then, and sadly, they robbed him for everything he had.
I'm only surprised this is the worst David has experienced, to be honest. With his limited abilities socially, and such a lack of care as a child and now as an adult, topped off with living in some rotten parts of London, I think he's done well to get so far in life.
As far as I could make out from the phone call to my granddad, no one had been able to contact David, but no one had been in to his flat either - no one had a key. The police had been notified and David was officially 'missing'. The *very* helpful police, even shouted through his letter box! But what that would do for someone possibly bound and gagged on the floor I don't know.
A week later I get told that David has been found safe and sound. And then another phone call from my granddad. He had guessed that I would already know, but phoned anyway. I think this is maybe his excuse to make contact? I've barely had any contact with any of my biological family since my wedding.
The Wedding:
On the lead up to the big day I had a big dilemma. Do I, or do I not, ask my granddad to walk me down the aisle? I mulled it over for ages, I didn't actually want to be walked up the aisle by anyone! I was happy to go alone, with Scarlett in front and attendants behind. It was symmetrical for one thing! Plus me and Liam had been alone for so long, it just felt right. It would also mean one less outfit to buy/hire, but that wasn't such an important factor.
In the end, a good friend said to me that I 'could make an old man very happy' - and she was right. He had one daughter that had married twice, both times without him there, and one daughter who had never been married. He had one son who married a woman that had been disowned by her family, but they didn't have a church wedding, so he couldn't help out there. My cousins, I don't think will be married any time soon, so I decided to go for it.
I went over to his house and asked. His answer stopped me right in my tracks:
"I don't know."
What kind of answer is that for fucks sake? I was so upset, so very upset. I had made an effort and it had been thrown back in my face. I couldn't bring myself to ask why he 'didn't know', I just made my excuses and left pretty damn quick, smothering sobs as I went.
The next family member to let me down has to be my cousin Christine. Now we had been close through all of our childhood. Out of all of us, we were the closest in age (although she is a couple of years younger than me), and both had younger brothers. We played together a lot, liked the same kinds of things and generally had fun. Back before I had children (and then again, after) she, and my other cousins helped me plan my big wedding day (me and Liam were engaged for 8 years - lots of planning) and all was well. Christine was to be one of my bridesmaids, and although she couldn't (or wouldn't?) make it to try on dresses with the rest of us, she did on a separate occasion and I bought it, although my lovely BM's had told me they would pay for their own dresses as a wedding gift to me - I would pay for shoes, jewelery and anything else needed.
My hen night was about 3 weeks before the wedding, and she came along to the meal, but would not come to the night out planned for afterwards. At this meal she gossiped about my mum and sister, she said things that Pot had been saying and my friend overheard. It was through this I found out that Christine no longer wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I was still upset when she told me herself, about a week later.
This left me with having to take her dress back to the shop, trying to get refunds and feeling very much stressed out, depressed and lonely. I can remember calling Liam from Bond Street, crying in to my phone and feeling sick with nerves about trying to get a refund, knowing it wasn't going to happen etc, plus feeling so very let down by her.
Fast forward to the night before my wedding. I am happy now, I have the girls that will be bridesmaids with me - my sister Kirsty, my sisters in law to be, Sarah and Ashleigh, and my Daughter Scarlett and Son Rowan. As Frazer was to be a ring bearer, he stayed with Liam at his mum's house. I am happy with my decision to walk the aisle unaccompanied, and have everything set in my head how I want it to go.
At 11:20 the phone rings. I am quite surprised a the late hour, but assume it must be Liam with something weddingy, so I answer. It's my granddad. He asks me if I still want him to walk me down the aisle? My face must have drained of all colour at this point - I quickly hit the 'secrecy' button on my phone and hiss over to the girls the situation and What do I do?!!?! I had to say yes really, how rude would it have been otherwise? I was annoyed that he would not be in matching clothes - very annoyed to be honest, but at the night before the wedding I had a right to become Bridezilla.
And so the next morning came. Thankfully - so thankfully! My florist had made an extra buttonhole, that I could give to my granddad. He was in a grey suit with a blue tie - our wedding colours were green and gold, but I tried not to think about it. When I came down the stairs fully dressed and ready to go, did he greet me with an exclamation of how lovely I looked? Not at all. OK, he might have been nervous.
He walked me down the aisle and things are going ok. Liam and I sign the register and leave the little side room. Parents are supposed to follow behind, together. My mum VERY generously offered her arm to him (I say very, because all of my biological family have been completely horrid to her) and he blatantly ignored it. I missed this, but my MIL was stunned at how rude he was.
Once we left the church I could see how many of my biological family were there. 3. Fair enough, David isn't talking to me, I understand that. But at least 2 or 3 others had said they were coming, and didn't. We had paid for food and drink for all of them! And then the bombshell - those that had come, were not staying any longer. They weren't coming to the reception, my granddad would not be doing a father of the bride speech, they wouldn't toast our marriage and the meals were wasted.
And why? They had a birthday to go to. A fucking birthday. Hmmm, last time I checked, birthdays happen every year, right? Btu a wedding comes along, ohh, once in a lifetime usually?
But you know what upset me? What reeeeally got me going? It was her. It was all her. Pot.
She wasn't invited to the wedding - of course! I hadn't spoken to her for 5 years before it. Christine refused to be a bridesmaid, so that she wouldn't upset Pot further. My granddad refused to accept walking me down the aisle because it would make his life that bit harder with Pot moaning about it. They all missed the reception, so that they could look a bit better in her eyes, I know it.
But the real punch in the face, was that granddad phoned me so late that night before the wedding, and only because she had called him, sobbing and wailing down the phone. She told him to walk me down the aisle. She said she wanted it that way. I feel so sick that this woman had any input whatsoever in my wedding, that I want to do it all again, just to wipe the slate clean and make it so that it didn't happen.
I didn't make it to church the next day, I doubt many do. But the following Sunday I was there, and taken aside by the vicar's wife. She wanted to let me know that Pot had been there the day after I was married. Crying. Sobbing. In short, attention seeking. The woman telling me this is lovely, and I know she would have felt compelled to look after Pot while she was there, but I am so grateful - she also knew what Pot was about. It was one of those rare occasions when she knew and believed me over her. I know it sounds silly to say, but I lived in the shadow of her curses for so long - everyone believed (and they still do) that I was a horrible, wicked person.
One last time to the present:
Obviously this all had an effect on me, but one of the biggest effect causers, was their blatant and deliberate avoidance of me after the wedding day had passed. I saw my granddad in the park a few weeks later and told him that he'd missed out at the reception, and he brushed it off with something about 'places to go...' and was obviously uncomfortable.
My aunt, and cousin, the only other two people to come were most conspicuous by their absence in my life, as became my granddad too. It's been two years since my wedding and I've seen my granddad once, my aunt once, and my cousin not at all. To be honest, if I see them in the distance now I avoid them, and if I knew they were calling I wouldn't answer. I've only given out Liam's mobile number to them, so that I can vet calls through him. I gave out email addresses that I never use and ignored them on facebook when they eventually made contact (it took a looooonnnng time).
I've been wondering about David being missing. I don't believe that they made it all up, but as far as I can see, it wasn't as bad as they made out. Surely if someone goes missing for that long and you are that worried, you'd break down the door or something? It seems to me that he may not have been away at all, but they just missed him when they knocked, or he wasn't answering when they called. Maybe his phone is broke?
He came home about a week later, and is well. They don't know where he was, but apparently he needs glasses now, so I assume he was at an opticians at some point.
So this has been a launch pad for them to start a new wave of contact, but do I want it? I'd be happy if I never saw or heard of them again, if it could be guaranteed so. But avoiding them doesn't work, as I can become so content in my life for a while and then suddenly see one of them, and the shock is enough to upset me all over again.
I want to tell them how much they let me down, not just at my wedding, but in sticking with Pot, when they know what she is. For not trying to help me more when they knew I was a battered and abused child, even when they knew that I was self harming and attempting suicide, they never offered me a way out, or told Pot that she was wrong to be the kind of parent she was.
But there's no point in talking to them. David's not the only one that's weird socially. If I blurted it all out they would be shocked, upset and then gossip behind my back. They would argue their point and then assumed that they had 'won' and everything would go back to normal.
It bloody sucks, you know?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!
Two days ago, I decided to add to my Facebook photo albums, by creating a 'Rowan' album. I already have one for Frazer, and one for Scarlett, which takes you through photos from when they were very first born, right up to this year, as recent as possible. But I don't have one for Rowan yet.
It was in creating this that I realised the earliest photos I could find of Rowan were of him at about 2 months old, and his first Christmas. This really upset me, as I know that somewhere, there are some lovely newborn pictures of him - in the birth pool, wearing his dinky first nappy (customised, no less!), and his first few days.
I've scoured the CDs we have, because our laptops keep breaking, and so I know any photos on the PC are those we're taken from disks made to back up photos. It turns out that I've taken pictures from all but one disk. This disk has dates on it, which include the date of Rowan's birth. It's also one of those disks that's been scuffed along the laminate floor by the look of it, as it's so scratched along the bottom. I remember that it never worked when I last tried it.
So yesterday I asked online if there's a way, or a company, or something that can save a scratched disk. Tracy recommended a free program online;
http://www.download.com/CD-Recovery-Toolbox-Free/3000-2242_4-10646814.html
Which is supposed to copy what's on your disk, so that you can burn it on to a new CD. I started to run it, but after a while it said it was no longer responding, and as there was no skip button or anything I had to close it.
I forgot to take the CD out of the PC though, and carried on emailing, surfing, trying to vent my frustration at the program. When I decided to try again, I shut down internet explorer and saw a box on my pc saying that it was importing the pictures and videos! It was on 110 that it had found, and after leaving it quite some time, I realised that the number was going up!
I left it running all evening, and when I went to bed I noticed that it had stopped 'importing' and was now in the process of starting something else. It took ages though, so I left it and went to bed.
When I got up this morning it had found 690(!!!) pictures and videos, and was asking me if I wanted to tag them, along with a little thumbnail of the first pic. I tagged them 'Rowan's birth' and let it run while we walked Tonks and had breakfast. It had got up to about 160 when Liam started ironing and blew the bloody fuse with the iron that I dropped the other day.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA
So now I'm upset.
I looked and the files already uploaded were ones I already have, recovered from other disks. This makes it all the more frustrating! Most of the pictures on that CD are ones I already have - but I can't pick and choose which ones I want from the disk.
I tried checking through the computer to see if I could get it started importing again, but the pc crashed on me. I took the disk out for a while to let it rest and and put it back in a couple of minutes ago. Still no response and I'm scared to check C: drive! I might run that program again.
No internet for me again today I suppose.
It was in creating this that I realised the earliest photos I could find of Rowan were of him at about 2 months old, and his first Christmas. This really upset me, as I know that somewhere, there are some lovely newborn pictures of him - in the birth pool, wearing his dinky first nappy (customised, no less!), and his first few days.
I've scoured the CDs we have, because our laptops keep breaking, and so I know any photos on the PC are those we're taken from disks made to back up photos. It turns out that I've taken pictures from all but one disk. This disk has dates on it, which include the date of Rowan's birth. It's also one of those disks that's been scuffed along the laminate floor by the look of it, as it's so scratched along the bottom. I remember that it never worked when I last tried it.
So yesterday I asked online if there's a way, or a company, or something that can save a scratched disk. Tracy recommended a free program online;
http://www.download.com/CD-Recovery-Toolbox-Free/3000-2242_4-10646814.html
Which is supposed to copy what's on your disk, so that you can burn it on to a new CD. I started to run it, but after a while it said it was no longer responding, and as there was no skip button or anything I had to close it.
I forgot to take the CD out of the PC though, and carried on emailing, surfing, trying to vent my frustration at the program. When I decided to try again, I shut down internet explorer and saw a box on my pc saying that it was importing the pictures and videos! It was on 110 that it had found, and after leaving it quite some time, I realised that the number was going up!
I left it running all evening, and when I went to bed I noticed that it had stopped 'importing' and was now in the process of starting something else. It took ages though, so I left it and went to bed.
When I got up this morning it had found 690(!!!) pictures and videos, and was asking me if I wanted to tag them, along with a little thumbnail of the first pic. I tagged them 'Rowan's birth' and let it run while we walked Tonks and had breakfast. It had got up to about 160 when Liam started ironing and blew the bloody fuse with the iron that I dropped the other day.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA
So now I'm upset.
I looked and the files already uploaded were ones I already have, recovered from other disks. This makes it all the more frustrating! Most of the pictures on that CD are ones I already have - but I can't pick and choose which ones I want from the disk.
I tried checking through the computer to see if I could get it started importing again, but the pc crashed on me. I took the disk out for a while to let it rest and and put it back in a couple of minutes ago. Still no response and I'm scared to check C: drive! I might run that program again.
No internet for me again today I suppose.
Birthday Wishlist
I’m getting it out of my system. We’re broke, Liam as much as I, and he’s asked me for ideas of what I would like for my birthday. I’ve told him that there’s depressingly too much that I would like for my birthday, so not to worry, but now I can’t help writing a bloody list. I can’t send it to him of course, so I’m sticking it in here while he’s not around.
This mirror is *fab*
http://www.truffleshuffle.co.uk/store/wonder-woman-compact-mirror-p-1572.html
Plus a load of other things on there - I love the 'SAVE FERRIS' tshirt, and the she-ra ones and the wonder woman one - I Love the 'ladies night' one on the last page.
I want this as a changing bag when I have our baby (sooome day)
http://www.monsoon.co.uk/invt/38954170
plus money towards my tattoo
bike, or bits for when I have a bike (child seat, etc)
this dress;
http://www.littlewoods.com/rf//navigation/product.do?D=500456542&SNtk=littlewoods_search&thisprod=498310591&Mis_item_loc_id=1&Ntk=group_search&SNtt=vz%2032314&N=85%20103&Nu=this_product&SN=85%20103&Ntt=500456542&Dx=mode+matchall&Np=1&product=498310591&Nty=1&Ntx=mode%20matchallpartial&SNu=pca_id&Mis_item_id=15
(and I like the belt and scarf)
boots;
http://www.littlewoods.com/rf/navigation/product.do?Ntx=mode+matchallpartial&SNtt=boots&Ns=prod_in_stock%7c1%7c%7cprice_est%7c0%7c%7cprod_min_base_price%7c1%7c%7cscu_id%7c1&Nao=36&groupId=494982470&Nu=this_product&SNtk=littlewoods_search&Np=1&SN=85+151&Ntt=494982470&D=494982470&Ntk=group_search&Dx=mode%2bmatchall&thisprod=494982470&N=85+151&Nty=1&Mis_item_id=15&Mis_item_loc_id=1&product=494982470&pageSize=12
Flowers for the garden, stuff to help me out (lavender, jasmine, woodchips, rose bushes - I want to do it but can't afford to!)
sandals;
http://homeshopping.24ace.co.uk/iteminfo.htm?s0=fashion&b=FactoryOutletP9&p=64&o=1&s=1&r=http%3A%2F%2Fhomeshopping%2E24ace%2Eco%2Euk%2Fsearchresult%2F2
(manily the stripy ones, but all lovely!)
I've been wanting red shoes for ages, and oh my aren't these lovely!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Awesome-Red-platform-stiletto-court-shoes-Size-7-UK_W0QQitemZ150270728756QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item150270728756&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318
FMS indeed!
and wow-wow, these are fantastic too!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/TUK-PLATFORM-HEELS-Cherry-EMO-Shoes-Black-Red-UK-7-40_W0QQitemZ120285249962QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item120285249962&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318
Some pretty pumps/trainers, because mine are super sporty, and not girly at all!
And OMG, some jeans that fit without making me look odd would be fan-tas-tic. I dream of that you know - it's been years since I've had decent jeans.
A nice dress or floaty top maybe? Liam sent me a link a while ago to some really lovely stuff I was looking at for ages
http://shop.ebay.co.uk/items/Womens-Clothing__W0QQQ5ftrkparmsZ72Q253A12Q257C39Q253A1Q257C65Q253A12QQQ5ftrksidZp3286Q2ec0Q2em14QQ_dmptZWomenQ5fsQ5fClothingQQ_ipgZ200QQ_sacatZ15724QQ_sopZ12QQ_ssnZlivingdreams101QQ_ssovZ1QQ_pgnZ1
I really really want to put new music on my ipod, so itunes vouchers or cds would be great, but I actually have no itunes now that my lappy is dead :( hey, a fixed lappy would be good though!
I'd like the pelvic floor toners he promised he'd give me money towards, but obviously not for a birthday present! Same goes for chicken fillets for my bra and wonder knickers I suppose!
A fatface bag (or similar I suppose) would be lovely, pretty and functional - I'd get a lot of use out of it;
http://www.fatface.com/invt/20225?temp=imageware&layout=flashpopup
This bag in colour Dawn is great!
I'd Love more of my Britney (no, I'm not embarrassed!) perfume - it smells like sweeties! and my nina ricci perfume is running out :( but I like it when Liam picks, I'm not good with perfumes, but like to have a scent. It's funny, I never used to like them but I feel incomplete without it now! there's a DKNY one that I want him to see if he likes (to like on me) as I think it smells like parma violets, and Liam loves them! lol
There's makeup all over the place that I would like - in boots at the moment they even have a couple of offers on makeup where you get free gift bags too. I love the eye shadow cubes from body shop as they are so vibrant! But officially I don't like the body shop as they are owned by the evil Nestle. Grrrrr.
On the other end of the spectrum (from body shop evilness! Pmsl) is Lush – that always goes down well! Oh, and Yankee candles – I keep meaning to buy some, or any other good candle company, Rodders bought me a fab one in a tin once that smelled of baby powder – it was divine.
The books on the book list I sent him at Christmas, plus a load of the things that I suggested at Christmas I suppose, can’t remember what most of them are though.
Most of all I would like some *fun* God it feels so long now. When was the last time I went out anywhere? A good deal longer ago than when Liam last went out I can tell you.
I'd Love a party - I want to do Goth Vs Cheerleader but don't know if I have friends that would come (I'm such a saddo)
Failing that, going out would be fab - if you know me, you know how I crave to do the works - a romantic meal, then musical (or play, ballet, etc) then a sexy hotel night, or the same ending but starting off with a fun meal, bar and a night club!
The poor Love, he wants to get me underwear, but is reluctant after the failings of last time. The problem isn’t that he got the wrong size – they were ok in fit – it’s just the shape of my dismal boobs. They don’t fit in to bras properly anymore and look like I’m wearing a size too big. I’m not – any smaller and I’d be spilling out. It does depend on how I’m standing, but it’s not good. If I wear a t-shirt it covers up the problem, but anything low cut and you can see my horribly saggy breasts. Man I want to cry now.
Ohhh what would cheer me up? An Alaskan Klee Kai!
Yeah, right. Pmsl I’m just kiddin’
It's not going to happen though, none of it is. I'm not being bitter by writing all of this, although I am dwelling on it a bit too much. I'm just getting it out of my system. Virtual window shopping sort of.
I've asked Liam to get me a couple of Disney DVDs, and hinted that I'd like the Sword in the Stone for the kids, or Beauty and the Beast, but that one is a bit hard to get sometimes.
Maybe I should push the boat out and ask for an aromatherapy massage too.
This mirror is *fab*
http://www.truffleshuffle.co.uk/store/wonder-woman-compact-mirror-p-1572.html
Plus a load of other things on there - I love the 'SAVE FERRIS' tshirt, and the she-ra ones and the wonder woman one - I Love the 'ladies night' one on the last page.
I want this as a changing bag when I have our baby (sooome day)
http://www.monsoon.co.uk/invt/38954170
plus money towards my tattoo
bike, or bits for when I have a bike (child seat, etc)
this dress;
http://www.littlewoods.com/rf//navigation/product.do?D=500456542&SNtk=littlewoods_search&thisprod=498310591&Mis_item_loc_id=1&Ntk=group_search&SNtt=vz%2032314&N=85%20103&Nu=this_product&SN=85%20103&Ntt=500456542&Dx=mode+matchall&Np=1&product=498310591&Nty=1&Ntx=mode%20matchallpartial&SNu=pca_id&Mis_item_id=15
(and I like the belt and scarf)
boots;
http://www.littlewoods.com/rf/navigation/product.do?Ntx=mode+matchallpartial&SNtt=boots&Ns=prod_in_stock%7c1%7c%7cprice_est%7c0%7c%7cprod_min_base_price%7c1%7c%7cscu_id%7c1&Nao=36&groupId=494982470&Nu=this_product&SNtk=littlewoods_search&Np=1&SN=85+151&Ntt=494982470&D=494982470&Ntk=group_search&Dx=mode%2bmatchall&thisprod=494982470&N=85+151&Nty=1&Mis_item_id=15&Mis_item_loc_id=1&product=494982470&pageSize=12
Flowers for the garden, stuff to help me out (lavender, jasmine, woodchips, rose bushes - I want to do it but can't afford to!)
sandals;
http://homeshopping.24ace.co.uk/iteminfo.htm?s0=fashion&b=FactoryOutletP9&p=64&o=1&s=1&r=http%3A%2F%2Fhomeshopping%2E24ace%2Eco%2Euk%2Fsearchresult%2F2
(manily the stripy ones, but all lovely!)
I've been wanting red shoes for ages, and oh my aren't these lovely!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Awesome-Red-platform-stiletto-court-shoes-Size-7-UK_W0QQitemZ150270728756QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item150270728756&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318
FMS indeed!
and wow-wow, these are fantastic too!
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/TUK-PLATFORM-HEELS-Cherry-EMO-Shoes-Black-Red-UK-7-40_W0QQitemZ120285249962QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item120285249962&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318
Some pretty pumps/trainers, because mine are super sporty, and not girly at all!
And OMG, some jeans that fit without making me look odd would be fan-tas-tic. I dream of that you know - it's been years since I've had decent jeans.
A nice dress or floaty top maybe? Liam sent me a link a while ago to some really lovely stuff I was looking at for ages
http://shop.ebay.co.uk/items/Womens-Clothing__W0QQQ5ftrkparmsZ72Q253A12Q257C39Q253A1Q257C65Q253A12QQQ5ftrksidZp3286Q2ec0Q2em14QQ_dmptZWomenQ5fsQ5fClothingQQ_ipgZ200QQ_sacatZ15724QQ_sopZ12QQ_ssnZlivingdreams101QQ_ssovZ1QQ_pgnZ1
I really really want to put new music on my ipod, so itunes vouchers or cds would be great, but I actually have no itunes now that my lappy is dead :( hey, a fixed lappy would be good though!
I'd like the pelvic floor toners he promised he'd give me money towards, but obviously not for a birthday present! Same goes for chicken fillets for my bra and wonder knickers I suppose!
A fatface bag (or similar I suppose) would be lovely, pretty and functional - I'd get a lot of use out of it;
http://www.fatface.com/invt/20225?temp=imageware&layout=flashpopup
This bag in colour Dawn is great!
I'd Love more of my Britney (no, I'm not embarrassed!) perfume - it smells like sweeties! and my nina ricci perfume is running out :( but I like it when Liam picks, I'm not good with perfumes, but like to have a scent. It's funny, I never used to like them but I feel incomplete without it now! there's a DKNY one that I want him to see if he likes (to like on me) as I think it smells like parma violets, and Liam loves them! lol
There's makeup all over the place that I would like - in boots at the moment they even have a couple of offers on makeup where you get free gift bags too. I love the eye shadow cubes from body shop as they are so vibrant! But officially I don't like the body shop as they are owned by the evil Nestle. Grrrrr.
On the other end of the spectrum (from body shop evilness! Pmsl) is Lush – that always goes down well! Oh, and Yankee candles – I keep meaning to buy some, or any other good candle company, Rodders bought me a fab one in a tin once that smelled of baby powder – it was divine.
The books on the book list I sent him at Christmas, plus a load of the things that I suggested at Christmas I suppose, can’t remember what most of them are though.
Most of all I would like some *fun* God it feels so long now. When was the last time I went out anywhere? A good deal longer ago than when Liam last went out I can tell you.
I'd Love a party - I want to do Goth Vs Cheerleader but don't know if I have friends that would come (I'm such a saddo)
Failing that, going out would be fab - if you know me, you know how I crave to do the works - a romantic meal, then musical (or play, ballet, etc) then a sexy hotel night, or the same ending but starting off with a fun meal, bar and a night club!
The poor Love, he wants to get me underwear, but is reluctant after the failings of last time. The problem isn’t that he got the wrong size – they were ok in fit – it’s just the shape of my dismal boobs. They don’t fit in to bras properly anymore and look like I’m wearing a size too big. I’m not – any smaller and I’d be spilling out. It does depend on how I’m standing, but it’s not good. If I wear a t-shirt it covers up the problem, but anything low cut and you can see my horribly saggy breasts. Man I want to cry now.
Ohhh what would cheer me up? An Alaskan Klee Kai!
Yeah, right. Pmsl I’m just kiddin’
It's not going to happen though, none of it is. I'm not being bitter by writing all of this, although I am dwelling on it a bit too much. I'm just getting it out of my system. Virtual window shopping sort of.
I've asked Liam to get me a couple of Disney DVDs, and hinted that I'd like the Sword in the Stone for the kids, or Beauty and the Beast, but that one is a bit hard to get sometimes.
Maybe I should push the boat out and ask for an aromatherapy massage too.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Protect My Baby - Protect Me, the non-protest at Parliament today
Excuse me as I type, but I am sooo tired and quite sleepy right now, and have a fair bit to do for the morning still. I really need afternoon naps, lol.
This morning was the BFPC training. My goodness it was DULL. Actually, it was dull - it was too boring to warrant capitals. 3 men came along to teach us about cultural awareness, they weren't the best presenters of their info, and their information was very much lacking in anything that excites the intellect. The one guy that seemed to have something to say and was open to interaction, was cut short after the other two took up all the time droning on.
Now Cultural Awareness I'm open to. Finding out about various cultures, ethnic minorities, races, religions, etc, I am happy to hear about as I find it fascinating.
This was not what today was about.
We were shown briefly a history of when different races came to London - that bit had potential for being interesting, but was sped over. The focus was on what Southwark does for different cultures, the cohesion services, various fora and interaction Southwark encourages between groups. We were taken over statistic after statistic about people that felt they got on well with other ethnic minorities in London, and we were very much shown how this part of the council has done so much for integrating and other such things.
I was so tempted to put my hand up and say - and how is this relevant to the breastfeeding cafe? But I didn't. I probably should have.
When we touched on human rights, one of the other trainees asked about the rights of a baby, and instead of taking the hint, the lecturer started on about child abuse! What about the Human Rights of a baby to be breast feed? What about a baby's right to be feed the only food guaranteed not to cause harm to their tiny body? We did come to that eventually (Barbara the HV and I made sure of that) but it wasn't a subject dwelled on, it was to be 'saved for later'. Of course, later came, but was cut short after all the other drownings on.
On a lighter note, my children were fantastic in the creche, not a peep out of them and they enjoyed themselves too. I am so glad, as they would have hated sitting up with me today! I've decided that they can come along next week too, they all want to anyway, and I hate to ask MIL all the time.
After training, I made it clear to everyone where I was going and why - related this to the human rights aspect too and pointed out that it's complete rubbish that in this country we only get a sexual discrimination act to 'protect' us from harassment while breastfeeding. So women are expected to file a law suit on a shop keeper asks them to move on for feeding their baby? What mother would have the time or energy to do that?! And what if it doesn't happen in a shop? Who do you sue if it's an ignorant twat in the park?
In Scotland they have a right to feed their babies without fear of harassment. To ask a mother to move along, stop feeding or telling her she's disgusting is an offence in Scotland. Now there's a country that have it right! Up there a woman can phone the police if she is harassed for feeding her baby, right up until the age of 2 years too - nothing like the 6 months nonsense that keeps being spread around in England.
So I grabbed my children and we all dashed off to the bus stop, fortunately one pulled up just as we got there and it was packed. Predictably no one offered a seat to my children, I just had to rather noisily direct them to one the moment it was vacated (vocally to shame anyone else out of jumping in to it first!) but we did OK. We got to Parliament square just after 2pm, but boy do they make it hard to get on to that square! Anyone would think they didn't want us there! (pmsl)
There were probably about 80+ people in total, considering we all brought an average of 2 children each I think. Katy-mama was there, and I was pleased to see a face I knew. She had her husband and lovely children too, it was great of them to have come such a distance to get there, it makes me wish I was there on time to have enjoyed things better!
I will say my childrens' behaviour left a fair bit to be desired. I don't know what got in to them all of a sudden, but they were unbelievably clingy throughout the event, crawling on me, leaning, climbing and jumping on me, not fun for mummy.
I met the brilliant Morgan, of the breastfeeding blog and lacthelpers fame. She is so passionate and knowledgeable about all things breastfeeding, I'd have been in awe if she wasn't so normal! And Alison was there, promoting her book ('fit to bust', looks great!) along with many other mums that seemed lovely. Lots of slings were everywhere, and I recognised a few faces from the Breastfeeding Matters magazine I think.
We had a Lord come over, Lord Avebury and his wife. She fed her baby for 3 years, so it was lovely to see them. Later on an MP came over - I really wish I could remember which one! We gave him a rendition of our 'Protect my baby, protect me' song, and some information about why we were there - I think a book was slipped in to his hand too for the houses of common, common rooms I suppose!
One of my fellow trainees showed up! I was so pleased! Bless her, she had to run along after picking up her DS and most peopel had gone by the time she got there, but I was sooo thankful she came though - and I know it was appreciated by all that were still there at 4.
And then it all got rather tiring at tidy up time. Maybe it was because I had been clambered over for so long, or maybe it was the dull (and slightly disappointing) training session this morning, but I was shattered all of a sudden. We got the bus home and I wanted to stay in until Liam returned , but for some bizarre reason the children were determined to go out again, so I met Liam on the way to Slimming World. I stuck heels on because I want my feet to be used to wearing proper shoes, it's so rare I get the chance! I think I looked nice, I just wish I had a chance to grab a picture before I looked like a knackered old trout.
So, Slimming World, the result iiiiiiiiiisss...........
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject:
I lost, I lost, I lost I lost I lost!
2lbs - OFF!
Ta muchly I like that thank you!
I really reigned it in this week. Bit pants at keeping syns low if I start in the daytime, so I saved them up until the evening. I also a bit pants at keeping a piece of paper on me, so I'd write down the syns at the end of the day in this little mini diary I have. Did OK up until Saturday; we bought a pack of brownies while shopping, which would have been ok to share, had it not been for Liam also buying this huge pavlova. Mmmmmmm it was *yum* though!
I'd done that DVD on Monday, but not had the chance to re-do it, but I did do a session on the crosstrainer, a work out at kung fu and then Liam took me through a work out on the punch bag we have, which wore me out. I need to keep this up now, especially as it's the holidays, so I have a severe lack of walking exercise.
The big worry this week is the breastfeeding cafe. We have two mums coming along that were old regulars but haven't been for ages as they've moved away. One is returning to New Zealand, and they are both big fans of chocolate cake - and the cafe was always an excuse to buy it! I'm not going to go without, but I will save my syns where possible to go towards it, think I might get some quorn to replace chicken at some point too...
Ah now I'm done, off to get ready to be allowed to go to bed for me! (gosh it all takes so long, I just want to sleeeppp)
This morning was the BFPC training. My goodness it was DULL. Actually, it was dull - it was too boring to warrant capitals. 3 men came along to teach us about cultural awareness, they weren't the best presenters of their info, and their information was very much lacking in anything that excites the intellect. The one guy that seemed to have something to say and was open to interaction, was cut short after the other two took up all the time droning on.
Now Cultural Awareness I'm open to. Finding out about various cultures, ethnic minorities, races, religions, etc, I am happy to hear about as I find it fascinating.
This was not what today was about.
We were shown briefly a history of when different races came to London - that bit had potential for being interesting, but was sped over. The focus was on what Southwark does for different cultures, the cohesion services, various fora and interaction Southwark encourages between groups. We were taken over statistic after statistic about people that felt they got on well with other ethnic minorities in London, and we were very much shown how this part of the council has done so much for integrating and other such things.
I was so tempted to put my hand up and say - and how is this relevant to the breastfeeding cafe? But I didn't. I probably should have.
When we touched on human rights, one of the other trainees asked about the rights of a baby, and instead of taking the hint, the lecturer started on about child abuse! What about the Human Rights of a baby to be breast feed? What about a baby's right to be feed the only food guaranteed not to cause harm to their tiny body? We did come to that eventually (Barbara the HV and I made sure of that) but it wasn't a subject dwelled on, it was to be 'saved for later'. Of course, later came, but was cut short after all the other drownings on.
On a lighter note, my children were fantastic in the creche, not a peep out of them and they enjoyed themselves too. I am so glad, as they would have hated sitting up with me today! I've decided that they can come along next week too, they all want to anyway, and I hate to ask MIL all the time.
After training, I made it clear to everyone where I was going and why - related this to the human rights aspect too and pointed out that it's complete rubbish that in this country we only get a sexual discrimination act to 'protect' us from harassment while breastfeeding. So women are expected to file a law suit on a shop keeper asks them to move on for feeding their baby? What mother would have the time or energy to do that?! And what if it doesn't happen in a shop? Who do you sue if it's an ignorant twat in the park?
In Scotland they have a right to feed their babies without fear of harassment. To ask a mother to move along, stop feeding or telling her she's disgusting is an offence in Scotland. Now there's a country that have it right! Up there a woman can phone the police if she is harassed for feeding her baby, right up until the age of 2 years too - nothing like the 6 months nonsense that keeps being spread around in England.
So I grabbed my children and we all dashed off to the bus stop, fortunately one pulled up just as we got there and it was packed. Predictably no one offered a seat to my children, I just had to rather noisily direct them to one the moment it was vacated (vocally to shame anyone else out of jumping in to it first!) but we did OK. We got to Parliament square just after 2pm, but boy do they make it hard to get on to that square! Anyone would think they didn't want us there! (pmsl)
There were probably about 80+ people in total, considering we all brought an average of 2 children each I think. Katy-mama was there, and I was pleased to see a face I knew. She had her husband and lovely children too, it was great of them to have come such a distance to get there, it makes me wish I was there on time to have enjoyed things better!
I will say my childrens' behaviour left a fair bit to be desired. I don't know what got in to them all of a sudden, but they were unbelievably clingy throughout the event, crawling on me, leaning, climbing and jumping on me, not fun for mummy.
I met the brilliant Morgan, of the breastfeeding blog and lacthelpers fame. She is so passionate and knowledgeable about all things breastfeeding, I'd have been in awe if she wasn't so normal! And Alison was there, promoting her book ('fit to bust', looks great!) along with many other mums that seemed lovely. Lots of slings were everywhere, and I recognised a few faces from the Breastfeeding Matters magazine I think.
We had a Lord come over, Lord Avebury and his wife. She fed her baby for 3 years, so it was lovely to see them. Later on an MP came over - I really wish I could remember which one! We gave him a rendition of our 'Protect my baby, protect me' song, and some information about why we were there - I think a book was slipped in to his hand too for the houses of common, common rooms I suppose!
One of my fellow trainees showed up! I was so pleased! Bless her, she had to run along after picking up her DS and most peopel had gone by the time she got there, but I was sooo thankful she came though - and I know it was appreciated by all that were still there at 4.
And then it all got rather tiring at tidy up time. Maybe it was because I had been clambered over for so long, or maybe it was the dull (and slightly disappointing) training session this morning, but I was shattered all of a sudden. We got the bus home and I wanted to stay in until Liam returned , but for some bizarre reason the children were determined to go out again, so I met Liam on the way to Slimming World. I stuck heels on because I want my feet to be used to wearing proper shoes, it's so rare I get the chance! I think I looked nice, I just wish I had a chance to grab a picture before I looked like a knackered old trout.
So, Slimming World, the result iiiiiiiiiisss...........
Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject:
I lost, I lost, I lost I lost I lost!
2lbs - OFF!
Ta muchly I like that thank you!
I really reigned it in this week. Bit pants at keeping syns low if I start in the daytime, so I saved them up until the evening. I also a bit pants at keeping a piece of paper on me, so I'd write down the syns at the end of the day in this little mini diary I have. Did OK up until Saturday; we bought a pack of brownies while shopping, which would have been ok to share, had it not been for Liam also buying this huge pavlova. Mmmmmmm it was *yum* though!
I'd done that DVD on Monday, but not had the chance to re-do it, but I did do a session on the crosstrainer, a work out at kung fu and then Liam took me through a work out on the punch bag we have, which wore me out. I need to keep this up now, especially as it's the holidays, so I have a severe lack of walking exercise.
The big worry this week is the breastfeeding cafe. We have two mums coming along that were old regulars but haven't been for ages as they've moved away. One is returning to New Zealand, and they are both big fans of chocolate cake - and the cafe was always an excuse to buy it! I'm not going to go without, but I will save my syns where possible to go towards it, think I might get some quorn to replace chicken at some point too...
Ah now I'm done, off to get ready to be allowed to go to bed for me! (gosh it all takes so long, I just want to sleeeppp)
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