fecking lost a whole blog i had typed out. No idea how it happened but Iw as so loved up and happy and now this fecking site has lost it for me AAGH!
and I'm blody up late when I enver needed to be, i should be fucking sleeping now but i thought I'd do this!!!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Oh the ups and downs of my sex life eh?
Been a bit up and down recently!
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
Thursday
OK, I'm deleting bits - I was typing out way TMI!
Long and short of it is that we had unprotected sex on thursday - it was a lustful moment and I never even realised until I was about to get 'seconds' later that night. I then fell in to a fit of nervous giggles as we are not supposed to TTC for another 2 months, but in the end concluded that most likely nothing will come of it, and if it does then never mind. Liam knew that it was unprotected at the time but said he thought that's what I wanted! I had hesitated and he assumed that was why - really it's because I *know* that if we have a quickie earlier then we never get around to the real sex later!
As it turned out, I pulled myself out of the giggles and switched back in to lustful mode, only to be told by Liam; 'I wouldn't bother if I were you. You've really killed the mood' - agh! How hurtful is that!? So in the end I was right, no seconds and a frustrated me.
But the unprotected quickie!?! OMG! To think I'd been worrying all this time that when we do TTC he will get stressed and unable to perform, yet when it happens I don't even realise! (properly, IYKWIM!)
Friday
I spent all day feeling moody without being able to pinpoint why. I put it down to sexual frustration (honestly, I'm like a spoilt brat if I don't get it) and tried not to blame Liam - after all, it was me that giggled hysterically. But I couldn't avoid the 'don't bother' comment as it kept ringing in my mind.
I was determined to get over it though, and bought myself some things to make me feel better. eye makeup - bright lilac/purple, a must this season apparently but I like it anyway. The eye makeup was part of a deal, so I got a blusher and lipstick too. I bought myself some gorgeous cute knees high socks - I wanted the over the knees that River Island used to do, but they don't have them now. These ones are silver-grey with a glitter running through and ribbon bow at the top. my thinking is that hey will go *perfect* with my short floaty silver-grey dress (that Liam Loves on me) and some high heels... *wink*
I had to do dinner, as Liam was going to House of Fraser to get his dad's father's day present early in the sale. I wasn't going to try on my outfit for him until the kids were in bed, so planned on sending him to the shops at some point.
But he brought me a present! And not clothes for me, not makeup or perfume. He bought a gorgeous snuggly baby vest and two sleepsuits in neutral coloured organic cotton from Baby Gap. How perfect is he?!
I told him he was very clever - devious so and so! To know how to get around a woman like that, most men wouldn't! But seriously I know what he said is true. He told me he wanted to alleviate any fears I might have been having about him and baby issues. How wonderful of him!
Then he went to Asda to get me some wine as I had requested. why I didn't go and get changed then I don't know. I guess a part of me was still smarting from last night's comment. Not so much annoyed at him now (impossible to be with how clever and lovely he was) but my confidence had been knocked - once again - and I wasn't as sure about sex, even though I madly wanted it. another big reason was that I wanted a glass of wine in me before I got changed - to add to confidence and kinks I suppose! Anyway, I stayed online and told Marilyn about the baby clothes and before I knew it, Liam was back, with not only wine but chocolate and a mini tub of Ben and Jerry's - plus a posh dinner he was about to cook!
And then he adds more icing to this scrumptious cake! Another gift he bought for me, gorgeous (designer) lingerie. Now I have a choice of outfits! Yet neither got worn as I found it hard to approach him. We did have sex though - protected this time!
Saturday
I piss him off again. I've not been monitoring Tonks well enough in the garden, knowing full well that he has put some of his seeds out there to grow. I don't know why he wants them out there - no sunlight and the allotment is much safer but never mind. I should have watched Tonks more but I didn't and she ate some of his seeds.
He had been borderline grumpy for most of the day, and yet I've been so happy to be with him.
I adore Liam, I truly think I am completely and utterly lucky to have landed a man as wonderful as he is! Today we were passing where we used to live so I went to see our old next door neighbours - Liam was at the shop but met us there. As I saw him approach my heart leapt, he is so scrummy, and looked so cool and attractive as he walked towards us. I went mushy and said to Lou something like 'there he is, there's my gorgeous, perfect man' - I should feel embarrassed but it was hard not to feel proud to have him with me.
I'd been toying with the many ideas of what to do with/to Liam tonight. And whether to go for my silver-grey dress or the new lingerie.
But he is tired. And slightly moody - I don't think anything is going to happen unfortunately. I look forward to being proven wrong if it happens though.
Now, do I go up and get on my exercise machine or not? If I do then I have a good excuse to clean myself up and surprise him after, but I may be very tired. If I don't and also don't get any action, then it will be a lot of calories that I could have lost...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I need to remember
Last night I was at a tutorial, and really enjoyed myself.
I wanted to give myself a reminder, because as I walked towards my bus stop with a smile in my heart, I realised that I don't need to have babies to be happy. I don't have to be pregnant or with a newborn to be complete - I can be my own person too and content with that.
Don't get me wrong, I still would Love a baby right now, and practicalities still say that now is the best time, so I am still more than over the moon to know that we will be trying soon.
But I want to remember, for when this baby is older, for when we decide that our family is complete, that I don't have to keep longing for more. I would like to reassure my future self that I can go to university, I can fill my time studying a subject that interest me, I can enjoy learning at tutorials and make friends too.
After my tutorial last night I spoke with Yvonne. She's a lovely woman, and likes me! It helped me to realise that I was without Liam, without the children, without the dog, without a baby in my belly to break the ice, and yet I can still be my own person. And I can still be liked as that person.
It made me feel good!
The tutorial was fab. I learned loads about Romantic poets, dissected a couple of old poems and took part in the class. I'm feeling all motivated for the rest of the course. I'm only a little worried about the exam at the end, simply because I'm more concerned with getting that far in the first place!
I can't wait to get my TMA02 back, I hope it's done OK.
Today is a teacher's strike day, so no school. We're not doing much as I'm determined to wait in, in case my course study materials arrive!
Monday is another day of excitement: I start my breastfeeding peer counsellor course at last!
I wanted to give myself a reminder, because as I walked towards my bus stop with a smile in my heart, I realised that I don't need to have babies to be happy. I don't have to be pregnant or with a newborn to be complete - I can be my own person too and content with that.
Don't get me wrong, I still would Love a baby right now, and practicalities still say that now is the best time, so I am still more than over the moon to know that we will be trying soon.
But I want to remember, for when this baby is older, for when we decide that our family is complete, that I don't have to keep longing for more. I would like to reassure my future self that I can go to university, I can fill my time studying a subject that interest me, I can enjoy learning at tutorials and make friends too.
After my tutorial last night I spoke with Yvonne. She's a lovely woman, and likes me! It helped me to realise that I was without Liam, without the children, without the dog, without a baby in my belly to break the ice, and yet I can still be my own person. And I can still be liked as that person.
It made me feel good!
The tutorial was fab. I learned loads about Romantic poets, dissected a couple of old poems and took part in the class. I'm feeling all motivated for the rest of the course. I'm only a little worried about the exam at the end, simply because I'm more concerned with getting that far in the first place!
I can't wait to get my TMA02 back, I hope it's done OK.
Today is a teacher's strike day, so no school. We're not doing much as I'm determined to wait in, in case my course study materials arrive!
Monday is another day of excitement: I start my breastfeeding peer counsellor course at last!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Scarlett is a clever clogs
Proud
Proud of Scarlett - she taught herself how to ride a bike with no stabilisers, all by herself! A bit sad, because I think the reason is that she doesn't trust me enough to hold on to the back or help her, but I'm also trying to tell myself that it must be - at least in part - down to her wanting to assert her independence and ability.
Anyway, she Loves it, and wont stop asking to go outside on her bike now. Over 2-3 days she's taught herself to get going, keep going, brake, turn corners and is now going pretty fast and doing mini 'tricks' like taking her feet off or standing up to pedal.
Giggling
Been having a chuckle at Rowan's expense - He was rather sleepy this evening, but in a good mood still. Liam did the old trick of 'pulling off his nose', using his thumb as a fake nose - Rowan seemed to believe it! After a while he got a bit upset, and told Liam not to do it anymore. He also kept holding on to his nose once it was 'put back' - bless! He guffawed like a good'un whenever Liam 'took off' his own nose though! I have both on videos on my camera, so sweet I'm glad I captured it.
Pleased
Frazer is at last going to be going up in to the proper kung fu class - yeay! He used to be in with the adults before this kids class was started, but he used to get too silly. He wont be able to stay in with the small children once he's 7 though, so we really need to get him used to it. This Sunday just past he was with us for the children's' bit (mind you, there were no black belts so we were all together) and then he stayed behind with Liam for the grown up bit after. Hopefully we can do that for a couple of weeks before making the transition to only the older group.
Worried
I have a tutorial tomorrow, so Ashleigh will be over to babysit again. I don't have the money to pay her and I don't have bus fare. I also don't have school dinner money for Scarlett and i owe Liam a tenner - aarrgh!!!
I'm also really behind on my work, and I *hate* being behind during a tutorial. It's so much less obvious to the rest of the world if I'm behind at home by myself! The OU are re-sending my books which is good, I just hope they arrive on Thursday when I'm in, as there's a teachers' strike then.
New Gadget
Did I tell you about it? It's a Rebok itrainer thingie. Basically a cross trainer. I was gagging for something to make me feel like I stood a chance in the Race for Life, and this turned out to be it. I've used the money that's been sitting in the catalogue account for ages, after my clothes and shoes were sent back at Christmas. Liam is paying the rest - he can never resist something like this.
I've used it a few times now; on Sunday after Kung Fu I did 5K on it in just over 16 minutes - the Race for Life is 5K, so that can't be too bad. Yet somehow when I am actually running, I just can't breath...
Glad
...and dare I say it, sometimes surprised, to see the parent that Liam has become. I always knew he would be fab, but I never knew the extent to how great, because, I suppose, I never really had a good idea of what fab parenting was.
Oh blimey, that's a revelation, writing that. I had been mulling it over recently but not 'getting' why it was in my head - and that's it entirely.
I never had a father figure beyond my granddad, and I had him around about once a week when I was small, and less as I grew older. I've had an ingrained fear for as long as I can remember, that Liam will one day decide that the responsibility of parenting is too much, and bugger off like my dad did. I know he wont, but it's hard to shake.
But Liam is a good dad and more.
today he sent me a link to a website he's making, to be linked to his main kung fu page. It's 'mini Dragons' and has children's activities as well as details about kung fu. He's going to make a 'mini tigers' one too, and test run them both on our children.
OK, I know the above paragraph isn't really to do with fab parenting. The point I'm making is that seeing how he has made this page, thought about what our children would like, and more than that, he just knows what is good for children now, because he is in tune with what our lot like. I Love how close he has become to them recently, and all the more because he obviously enjoys it so much.
ETA - a big GAHHHHH!!!!
WHY am I always the last one up?! WHY have I done no studies and no exercise at all tonight?! WHY do I still have stuff like packed lunches to do?! and WHY am I still here, feeling unable to move!?
BECAUSE I am the one that bloody has so much to do all the time, and not an awful lot of help in getting it done!
BECAUSE I actually did an hour and a half of reading while out today (ate so much to keep me awake though) and am shattered after a long day - the first day back at school always wears me out too!
BECAUSE I ran around like a blue arsed fly for most of the day and evening so flumped down after clearing the kitchen (which was the last of my chores before I collapsed) and forgot all about food for tomorrow.
BECAUSE I'm tired and lonely - it's not so hard to get on with stuff if someone else is around. Not only do I have company, but I feel safer going in to the dark kitchen. I'm so tired too, but I need to get it done, as I have to be up early to walk Tonks, get home in the afternoon (because of Frazer's percussion after school) to see to her again and stay awake enough for my tutorial - oh, and make dinner!
*sob*
Proud of Scarlett - she taught herself how to ride a bike with no stabilisers, all by herself! A bit sad, because I think the reason is that she doesn't trust me enough to hold on to the back or help her, but I'm also trying to tell myself that it must be - at least in part - down to her wanting to assert her independence and ability.
Anyway, she Loves it, and wont stop asking to go outside on her bike now. Over 2-3 days she's taught herself to get going, keep going, brake, turn corners and is now going pretty fast and doing mini 'tricks' like taking her feet off or standing up to pedal.
Giggling
Been having a chuckle at Rowan's expense - He was rather sleepy this evening, but in a good mood still. Liam did the old trick of 'pulling off his nose', using his thumb as a fake nose - Rowan seemed to believe it! After a while he got a bit upset, and told Liam not to do it anymore. He also kept holding on to his nose once it was 'put back' - bless! He guffawed like a good'un whenever Liam 'took off' his own nose though! I have both on videos on my camera, so sweet I'm glad I captured it.
Pleased
Frazer is at last going to be going up in to the proper kung fu class - yeay! He used to be in with the adults before this kids class was started, but he used to get too silly. He wont be able to stay in with the small children once he's 7 though, so we really need to get him used to it. This Sunday just past he was with us for the children's' bit (mind you, there were no black belts so we were all together) and then he stayed behind with Liam for the grown up bit after. Hopefully we can do that for a couple of weeks before making the transition to only the older group.
Worried
I have a tutorial tomorrow, so Ashleigh will be over to babysit again. I don't have the money to pay her and I don't have bus fare. I also don't have school dinner money for Scarlett and i owe Liam a tenner - aarrgh!!!
I'm also really behind on my work, and I *hate* being behind during a tutorial. It's so much less obvious to the rest of the world if I'm behind at home by myself! The OU are re-sending my books which is good, I just hope they arrive on Thursday when I'm in, as there's a teachers' strike then.
New Gadget
Did I tell you about it? It's a Rebok itrainer thingie. Basically a cross trainer. I was gagging for something to make me feel like I stood a chance in the Race for Life, and this turned out to be it. I've used the money that's been sitting in the catalogue account for ages, after my clothes and shoes were sent back at Christmas. Liam is paying the rest - he can never resist something like this.
I've used it a few times now; on Sunday after Kung Fu I did 5K on it in just over 16 minutes - the Race for Life is 5K, so that can't be too bad. Yet somehow when I am actually running, I just can't breath...
Glad
...and dare I say it, sometimes surprised, to see the parent that Liam has become. I always knew he would be fab, but I never knew the extent to how great, because, I suppose, I never really had a good idea of what fab parenting was.
Oh blimey, that's a revelation, writing that. I had been mulling it over recently but not 'getting' why it was in my head - and that's it entirely.
I never had a father figure beyond my granddad, and I had him around about once a week when I was small, and less as I grew older. I've had an ingrained fear for as long as I can remember, that Liam will one day decide that the responsibility of parenting is too much, and bugger off like my dad did. I know he wont, but it's hard to shake.
But Liam is a good dad and more.
today he sent me a link to a website he's making, to be linked to his main kung fu page. It's 'mini Dragons' and has children's activities as well as details about kung fu. He's going to make a 'mini tigers' one too, and test run them both on our children.
OK, I know the above paragraph isn't really to do with fab parenting. The point I'm making is that seeing how he has made this page, thought about what our children would like, and more than that, he just knows what is good for children now, because he is in tune with what our lot like. I Love how close he has become to them recently, and all the more because he obviously enjoys it so much.
ETA - a big GAHHHHH!!!!
WHY am I always the last one up?! WHY have I done no studies and no exercise at all tonight?! WHY do I still have stuff like packed lunches to do?! and WHY am I still here, feeling unable to move!?
BECAUSE I am the one that bloody has so much to do all the time, and not an awful lot of help in getting it done!
BECAUSE I actually did an hour and a half of reading while out today (ate so much to keep me awake though) and am shattered after a long day - the first day back at school always wears me out too!
BECAUSE I ran around like a blue arsed fly for most of the day and evening so flumped down after clearing the kitchen (which was the last of my chores before I collapsed) and forgot all about food for tomorrow.
BECAUSE I'm tired and lonely - it's not so hard to get on with stuff if someone else is around. Not only do I have company, but I feel safer going in to the dark kitchen. I'm so tired too, but I need to get it done, as I have to be up early to walk Tonks, get home in the afternoon (because of Frazer's percussion after school) to see to her again and stay awake enough for my tutorial - oh, and make dinner!
*sob*
Monday, April 14, 2008
Relief
Gonna have to play catch up
Sunday
I worked at it, I slogged, I kept on going and I did it. I finished my TMA02! Liam took the children out, and I kept at it, then Liam's dad came back with them all from the park and I got back to it when he went. I can't quite believe that I did it! And I'm quietly confident that I will pass - if I managed a pass with my first one - which is even worse than I had previously thought! - then I should get a pass this time. Yes I would like a great grade, but a pass is what it's about in the end. I didn't manage to finish the bibliography until the evening after, and I always forget how deceptively long they take!
Monday
Was quiet mostly. I was feeling relieved to have finished my assignment, but obviously still had other crap hanging over my head.
We watched Skins - the last in series and it was quite upsetting. None of the main cast are back for the next series as far as I know either. Towards the end they did the '5 year test' where you take a look at your life and the lives of your friends and try to decide where you will be in 5 years time. I see Liam just starting on his next course - after plenty of work (but enjoying it mostly) he will have finished his Law Degree and be beginning his Bar vocation. Well, he tells me he might do the solicitor course rather than the barrister one, purely because he's more likely to get a job that way. I don't mind so long as he's happy (and preferably bringing home some money). He see's himself about the same, and asked me where I see myself - I said 'doing the school run' which was kinda depressing really, not least because I pictured school runs a they are now. Liam said, 'but with how many more in tow?' And at last I took the bait...
I did say, probably the same as now - because I was honestly not seeing myself with anymore, the way me and Liam have been recently. We talked a LOT - and I wont bore this blog with the details, but after a lot of talking and a lot of tears later, I knew where I stood with Liam, and it felt unstable.
We spoke some more, and when I felt we had got everything out that could be, I said what i had been holding on to. That I just simply did not know how I would or could cope if we don't have another. I didn't want to say this earlier on as I didn't want to be emotionally blackmailing him. He reacted as I expected and jumped straight in to 'well we'll have to get that coil out as soon as possible then and have a baby' but not in an enthusiastic way - in a practical, do it to save my wife's life kind of way. I had predicted as such, which is why I saved it until the last, and it was still depressing.
We spoke some more and decided that we will try for another. He isn't full of enthusiasm, but says that be probably will be when my belly starts showing.
*sigh*
I guess that's quite a man thing though isn't it? I left the conversation being hopeful, but not entirely certain, that he would be supportive, at least, not as supportive as I would like, because to be honest, he would need to be enthusiastic about the idea to be that degree of support to me.
I just don't want to do this alone, even though I know that once the baby is born I will be doing a lot without Liam's help.
Tuesday
I spent the day in a nice relaxed mood. Mostly.
As Laura had told the children that they would be staying at hers over the holidays and I hadn't yet heard anything, I was very pleased to get a text message from her asking if they could stay over that night.
I should say here that I don't fob my children off on other people wherever possible. I don't know why I have such a worry of coming across like that - I think it's because the children are always so desperate to stay at Laura's, that it can come across that I am desperate for them to stay there, if you know what I mean? It actually normally works out as more of a hassle for me than anything else - She usually can't have them until late in the evening, and wants me to take them home early the next day - she lives about a 40 minutes walk away and they stay up late, watch TV and eat junk there, so they often come home in hyperactive bad moods and fall asleep at the wrong time.
And yet I was glad! This is because after all the promises I was worried that they would be gutted going back to school with no Laura visit. So the plan is to take them to her at work, she told me she would try to shut at 5, but might not be able to right away, so I said we would be there are 5:30 - we actually were late and got there just before 6, but she didn't get out until past 6:30! And to make things worse, we weren't allowed in (it's a play zone) so we had to sit outside with 3 very bred and very hungry children, getting increasingly bored and hungry ourselves but not able to go as we had no idea when she would be out.
Well she took aaaaaaages. Which I wouldn't mind (she can't help her need to work) but I would have appreciated either a phone call in warning that she would be late, or that we were not allowed in. She didn't get out until over an hour after I said I would be there! Me and Liam then dashed to Tesco, because I was ravenous - and panicking. We had agreed to go to the clinic to get the Merina out this evening and I needed chocolate for comfort, plus high cocoa chocolate for shock/pheromones and paracetamol. I was so paranoid about the pain because I had been there before. It hurt like something awful going in!
Everything was going against us. On the way to Laura I saw a single magpie. Then Laura was so late out. Then in Tesco I found that Liam had used my bank card and left it at home, so we had minimal change with which to buy my food and painkillers, and no money to buy a drink to take the medicine with!
So we had to go home on the way to the clinic and by now it was *really* late. Liam really didn't want to go to the clinic that I was planning on (the only one that I had not had a bad experience in) as it's in a really dodgy area and it was quite dark out. So we called the other, closer clinic to see if they were open, but there was no answer. So he called the one I was planning on, to see if they knew and they said yes, and we dashed along as fast as possible.
But when we got there, we were told we were too late! The clinic didn't shut for about 20 minutes, but they don't take more people after a certain time. I almost cried while checking what time we do need to be there, for future reference. Even the fact that they had my records there didn't count apparently. They told me to try again on Thursday, but I said that wouldn't happen - that this was the first time we'd had a babysitter in months - I was really holding back tears now!
The receptionists had a bit of a debate and said I could be seen. This was kind of too much, and I don't know how I stopped myself from crying again. I was dreading a male Dr now though. but it was not. In fact, she was one of the nicest and most professional doctors I've met.
And it didn't hurt! The pain in my gut as I laid down and waited was worse than anything. She told me to cough and I did. Then I was about to ask if I needed to do it again but she said it was out! I hadn't even felt it. Then she pointed out something rather funny to us. As we had had intercourse in the past week (last night actually) there as a chance I could get pregnant, so I need to take a test in 4 weeks time. Now that would be a shocker!
We don't intend to try to conceive for another 2 months yet, so we got a wodge of condoms to bring home. This is just to let my body settle without hormones and an IUD before taking such a big leap, but if it was to happen, obviously we would be OK with that. (more than OK!)
Journey home required chocolate for the HUGE adrenalin rush and come down I was having - my teeth were chattering all the way home. And we got the most delicious ice cream on the way back - Lyle's Golden Syrup Sponge Pudding ice cream! Oh yum, the ice cream is vanilla and so soft, with cakey bits and loads of luverly golden syrup running through it. Ben and Jerry - you have a rival!
Liam was lovely, I must admit. A bit awkward feeling at times, and sometimes I got the impression that he just didn't know what to say to me, but he was nice. And has been since.
Sunday
I worked at it, I slogged, I kept on going and I did it. I finished my TMA02! Liam took the children out, and I kept at it, then Liam's dad came back with them all from the park and I got back to it when he went. I can't quite believe that I did it! And I'm quietly confident that I will pass - if I managed a pass with my first one - which is even worse than I had previously thought! - then I should get a pass this time. Yes I would like a great grade, but a pass is what it's about in the end. I didn't manage to finish the bibliography until the evening after, and I always forget how deceptively long they take!
Monday
Was quiet mostly. I was feeling relieved to have finished my assignment, but obviously still had other crap hanging over my head.
We watched Skins - the last in series and it was quite upsetting. None of the main cast are back for the next series as far as I know either. Towards the end they did the '5 year test' where you take a look at your life and the lives of your friends and try to decide where you will be in 5 years time. I see Liam just starting on his next course - after plenty of work (but enjoying it mostly) he will have finished his Law Degree and be beginning his Bar vocation. Well, he tells me he might do the solicitor course rather than the barrister one, purely because he's more likely to get a job that way. I don't mind so long as he's happy (and preferably bringing home some money). He see's himself about the same, and asked me where I see myself - I said 'doing the school run' which was kinda depressing really, not least because I pictured school runs a they are now. Liam said, 'but with how many more in tow?' And at last I took the bait...
I did say, probably the same as now - because I was honestly not seeing myself with anymore, the way me and Liam have been recently. We talked a LOT - and I wont bore this blog with the details, but after a lot of talking and a lot of tears later, I knew where I stood with Liam, and it felt unstable.
We spoke some more, and when I felt we had got everything out that could be, I said what i had been holding on to. That I just simply did not know how I would or could cope if we don't have another. I didn't want to say this earlier on as I didn't want to be emotionally blackmailing him. He reacted as I expected and jumped straight in to 'well we'll have to get that coil out as soon as possible then and have a baby' but not in an enthusiastic way - in a practical, do it to save my wife's life kind of way. I had predicted as such, which is why I saved it until the last, and it was still depressing.
We spoke some more and decided that we will try for another. He isn't full of enthusiasm, but says that be probably will be when my belly starts showing.
*sigh*
I guess that's quite a man thing though isn't it? I left the conversation being hopeful, but not entirely certain, that he would be supportive, at least, not as supportive as I would like, because to be honest, he would need to be enthusiastic about the idea to be that degree of support to me.
I just don't want to do this alone, even though I know that once the baby is born I will be doing a lot without Liam's help.
Tuesday
I spent the day in a nice relaxed mood. Mostly.
As Laura had told the children that they would be staying at hers over the holidays and I hadn't yet heard anything, I was very pleased to get a text message from her asking if they could stay over that night.
I should say here that I don't fob my children off on other people wherever possible. I don't know why I have such a worry of coming across like that - I think it's because the children are always so desperate to stay at Laura's, that it can come across that I am desperate for them to stay there, if you know what I mean? It actually normally works out as more of a hassle for me than anything else - She usually can't have them until late in the evening, and wants me to take them home early the next day - she lives about a 40 minutes walk away and they stay up late, watch TV and eat junk there, so they often come home in hyperactive bad moods and fall asleep at the wrong time.
And yet I was glad! This is because after all the promises I was worried that they would be gutted going back to school with no Laura visit. So the plan is to take them to her at work, she told me she would try to shut at 5, but might not be able to right away, so I said we would be there are 5:30 - we actually were late and got there just before 6, but she didn't get out until past 6:30! And to make things worse, we weren't allowed in (it's a play zone) so we had to sit outside with 3 very bred and very hungry children, getting increasingly bored and hungry ourselves but not able to go as we had no idea when she would be out.
Well she took aaaaaaages. Which I wouldn't mind (she can't help her need to work) but I would have appreciated either a phone call in warning that she would be late, or that we were not allowed in. She didn't get out until over an hour after I said I would be there! Me and Liam then dashed to Tesco, because I was ravenous - and panicking. We had agreed to go to the clinic to get the Merina out this evening and I needed chocolate for comfort, plus high cocoa chocolate for shock/pheromones and paracetamol. I was so paranoid about the pain because I had been there before. It hurt like something awful going in!
Everything was going against us. On the way to Laura I saw a single magpie. Then Laura was so late out. Then in Tesco I found that Liam had used my bank card and left it at home, so we had minimal change with which to buy my food and painkillers, and no money to buy a drink to take the medicine with!
So we had to go home on the way to the clinic and by now it was *really* late. Liam really didn't want to go to the clinic that I was planning on (the only one that I had not had a bad experience in) as it's in a really dodgy area and it was quite dark out. So we called the other, closer clinic to see if they were open, but there was no answer. So he called the one I was planning on, to see if they knew and they said yes, and we dashed along as fast as possible.
But when we got there, we were told we were too late! The clinic didn't shut for about 20 minutes, but they don't take more people after a certain time. I almost cried while checking what time we do need to be there, for future reference. Even the fact that they had my records there didn't count apparently. They told me to try again on Thursday, but I said that wouldn't happen - that this was the first time we'd had a babysitter in months - I was really holding back tears now!
The receptionists had a bit of a debate and said I could be seen. This was kind of too much, and I don't know how I stopped myself from crying again. I was dreading a male Dr now though. but it was not. In fact, she was one of the nicest and most professional doctors I've met.
And it didn't hurt! The pain in my gut as I laid down and waited was worse than anything. She told me to cough and I did. Then I was about to ask if I needed to do it again but she said it was out! I hadn't even felt it. Then she pointed out something rather funny to us. As we had had intercourse in the past week (last night actually) there as a chance I could get pregnant, so I need to take a test in 4 weeks time. Now that would be a shocker!
We don't intend to try to conceive for another 2 months yet, so we got a wodge of condoms to bring home. This is just to let my body settle without hormones and an IUD before taking such a big leap, but if it was to happen, obviously we would be OK with that. (more than OK!)
Journey home required chocolate for the HUGE adrenalin rush and come down I was having - my teeth were chattering all the way home. And we got the most delicious ice cream on the way back - Lyle's Golden Syrup Sponge Pudding ice cream! Oh yum, the ice cream is vanilla and so soft, with cakey bits and loads of luverly golden syrup running through it. Ben and Jerry - you have a rival!
Liam was lovely, I must admit. A bit awkward feeling at times, and sometimes I got the impression that he just didn't know what to say to me, but he was nice. And has been since.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Weak
How many times has he asked me what's wrong today? Lots.
How many times have I answered fully, and honestly? None.
How many times has he mentioned me getting the coil out etc? Twice.
How many times have I used this as a chance to get thoughts out? None.
To be fair, he's only said these things when the children are around, and it's hardly an ideal time to talk then. So that's in my defence. Then this evening he was studying so I couldn't talk then. But he has been down here since, and to be honest I'd probably have worked much better myself if I had got my thoughts out in the open first. As it is I'm stuck on work that's hard enough without all these bloody issues in my head too.
He's gone to bed now, and I'm tired, I should go. But then I lie there feeling guilty for not opening my mouth, though too worried that the argument that will follow will make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't know why I'm working myself up over this so much - he might be fine about it all. It's just such an issue that's so precious to me that I can't help thinking 'what if?' all the time. He's not spoken about it really though, since his negative outburst yesterday. Is no news really good news?
Right, that's it now. I've been up ages once again and I can't let this rule my life.
I've decided; I am going to do the usual bedtime tidyings and then if he's still awake when I go up to bed, I'm going to talk about it.
It can't make things any worse. Can it?
How many times have I answered fully, and honestly? None.
How many times has he mentioned me getting the coil out etc? Twice.
How many times have I used this as a chance to get thoughts out? None.
To be fair, he's only said these things when the children are around, and it's hardly an ideal time to talk then. So that's in my defence. Then this evening he was studying so I couldn't talk then. But he has been down here since, and to be honest I'd probably have worked much better myself if I had got my thoughts out in the open first. As it is I'm stuck on work that's hard enough without all these bloody issues in my head too.
He's gone to bed now, and I'm tired, I should go. But then I lie there feeling guilty for not opening my mouth, though too worried that the argument that will follow will make me cry myself to sleep.
I don't know why I'm working myself up over this so much - he might be fine about it all. It's just such an issue that's so precious to me that I can't help thinking 'what if?' all the time. He's not spoken about it really though, since his negative outburst yesterday. Is no news really good news?
Right, that's it now. I've been up ages once again and I can't let this rule my life.
I've decided; I am going to do the usual bedtime tidyings and then if he's still awake when I go up to bed, I'm going to talk about it.
It can't make things any worse. Can it?
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