Missing Liam

All this week he has been off, and I miss him more than ever today - a Saturday. A day we should Love as a family fun day, but it never happens.
This week he's either been working, at his interview, the allotment, kung fu or half asleep. I've been doing my usual to-ing and fro-ing from the school. He's behind on his work, so I'm trying to be supportive, in fact I've probably taken up far too much of his time as it is anyway.

Today is Carnival Day. Frazer and Scarlett have been lucky enough to have been invited to take part. They made these huge lanterns at school recently and are getting to parade them about today. I need to go to look after them, so Rowan will be with me, as Liam is at a tutorial. He wants to go to every Saturday tutorial now, to help him catch up. He wants to go to more in the week too, evening ones. I've said I don't mind, so long as he still does dinner, as I don't like the junk our children are made to eat when I cook.

I do miss him though. I'm trying to tell myself that this is just temporary; when he finishes his degree, things will get better, we will see more of each other and spend more time together. I don't want years of strain and missing out on each other, but then again, I know this is not the case. It's just that recently we've not done much together and I'm feeling it. I'm sure he will catch up with work soon and things will get better, and if not this then we'll get the chance to do stuff when this year finishes (October) and then the beginning of next year wont be so bad. I remember myself that with OU things summer tends to be a strain, as this is when you're likely to begin trailing behind, and the work all steps up a gear.
Hhmmm, maybe I shouldn't try for a summer baby after all...

Yesterday Martin found out what sex he and his Fiance Billie, are expecting. They are having a girl, and to celebrate I instantly went and bought a pink baby clothes and blanket set. It's very sweet, and I now have a whole basket full of bits that I'm planning to get.
I wish I could get the chance to gauge from them what kind of parenting they're going to be doing. Liam would describe Martin as 'chavtastic' (in the nicest of ways - it is his brother!) but neither of us has met his girlfriend. Well, I have, sort of. She stayed on her mobile phone the whole walk home from school when we bumped in to her and Martin and didn't say a word to me. I'm trying to blot this from my memory as I hope she's a nice person really and not the rude thing I thought she was at the time!
Well anyway, being a mum of 3, I think if they were to be using slings, cloth nappies or breastfeeding, I would be able to help them out with presents (I know what cloth to avoid, what slings are good for beginners and I can find some lovely nursing tops for a new mum), but chavtastic parents probably wouldn't do any of the three. I wont let myself judge though, so as unlikely as Liam or anyone else might think, I hope that they will give at least one of these things a try (preferably breastfeeding!).
But of course, not knowing means not knowing what to buy! They'll probably have loads of babygrows bought for them, tiny booties and vests. Family are even wiser now and buying larger sized clothes so that you don't end up with a million new born suits that fit for all of 5 minutes. Especially a baby of Martin's -hehehe!- I feel sorry for Billie if baby takes after dad; he was a HUGE newborn!

So baby shopping yesterday helped to get that out of my system. I took surprisingly great pleasure in buying clothes for someone who is expecting, it was like a baby fix without the guilt I usually lay on myself, as I'm not even pregnant!
Having said that though, we did go condomless today. I think it was because I spent hours this morning not being able to sleep as I felt so sick. I finally got up and pee'd on a stick (got loads of cheap ones) to see a neg - maybe this made me want sex all the more... I dunno, I was due last Sunday or this Thursday anyway, so probably not all that fertile.

Yesterday I took the plunge. I spoke to the head teacher about Scarlett's class arrangements. When the reception children go up to year one the two classes get mixed and split in to two year one groups. There's a boy in Scarlett's class who has a brother that I was so glad was NOT put in Frazer's class, as their mother is the one that spread rumours about me and tried to stop us getting in to the school as her boy didn't get a place. We of course did anyway, but just knowing what she did made me scared to go to the school for ages and to this day I avoid her.
I didn't want to make a fuss at the school - I couldn't stand being that kind of parent, but I wanted to tell them anyway. The big big panic I had afterwards, was what if they do change Scarlett to the other class? What if that is a big mistake and messes her up as much as year one did for poor Frazer? He had such a rotten time there, but then he had a miserable teacher, and his friends were in the other class. At least Scarlett has friends in either class, and if they did change her she would have Frazer's teacher from this year, who is a lovely woman. I have no idea about the teacher she has been originally put with, as it's a new one - I'll admit this is a little of my worry, as at least I know Frazer's teacher this year is great.

*sigh*

I'm so glad I have here to vent. I keep feeling as though I have no one to to talk to recently. Yesterday when I tried to tell Liam about my school worries it seemed more as though he was telling me off than trying to comfort me! But that's men for you, especially super logical ones like Liam. He was acting in a similar way when I was having a panic about my biological family the other day.
Come to think of it, I've been having a few down days and panics recently. I wonder why, I'll have to keep an eye on it.
I'm having to type this in Liam's room as my laptop broke again today. Guess what? This time it wont be within warranty. I guess they fixed to last just long enough, the bastards.

DAMN DAMN DAMN!
Scarlett was sitting in here with me, and what did I forget was right behind me!?!?! Her garish pink but oh so girly and Scarletty pram! It's supposed to be her end of term present that I'm giving to her next Friday.
Oh I'm gutted that she's seen it now - it would have been a great surprise. I'm so stupid. How much else will go wrong today I wonder? I've already realised that I didn't text Liam early enough to see if I should/could take his camera to the carnival.
Damn, I feel crap now.

Why am I shaking?