the hormones are finally winning

they're taking over the power of the mirena, it's been a battle, but I think hormones are killing off rationality and the broodiness is going in to overload.

I've been waiting so long. I was so desperate for a baby a while back, but the coil helped 'fix' that - I've felt so weird. I knew I wanted children, but the physical urge to conceive wasn't there. I suppose this is good; this meant that I knew I wouldn't be creating another baby on a hormone induced whim. As time went by I gradually realised that there would come a time when I am better prepared to have a baby, when we all as a family would be in a better situation for such a big event.
This all done without hormones taking over was good on the one hand, because it was thought out in a stable frame of mind. But really dodgy on the other hand, as I felt so mixed up inside - I've felt muddled and confused for ages now - I know I want a baby, but I don't feel it, so it feels as though there's something wrong with me. but I want to feel it, and a part of me is certain that the feeling is there, but where? It's all weird, it's all so wrong.

Well anyway. My body fights on. Since first having the merina, I've been getting periods - my body has been fighting to be fertile all along! but it's got worse - the periods are fairly light, but my moods! Oh boy it's madness. I start off moody and PMTish, but once the period actually starts i get depressive, really depressive - to the point where I can't see happiness or love, I don't want sex for weeks after and I hate myself. I'm brought out of this I have now figured out, by Liam reassuring me that we will be having more children, that a new baby will happen.

It was one of these times, quite a while ago when the severe moods started to happen, that I first spoke to him about babies. I put it all in email and said that I'd worked it out that the bulk of our dept would be gone by a certain time, and at this point (early 2009) Rowan would also be 4 and at school full time, the dog would be maturing (I hope!) and it would leave us enough time for me to have completed my second year of my OU course.
So I asked if he would agree to try to conceive (TTC) from about April-ish this year. and he did. I Love my husband so much!

I did say though, that I would need his full support - this has been my main worry. That he will just go along with it all because that's what I want but not actually have any heart in the conceiving. I know he will be a fab dad, I know he will be happy with a baby, but I want him to willingly try and want a baby as much (or at least nearly as much) as I do when we TTC.
He's agreed to try, but to be honest, even now I'm not definite on how much he wants it. He doesn't talk about it much, and considering we'll be starting to try in less than three months time, I wish he would. I hate being the instigator of these conversations, and then when I do start them they don't go as enthusiastically as I would have liked.

Anyway, next month is February, and that is when I am going to get my merina coil taken out (EEP!) Liam has agreed to come with me - I want him there with me every step of the way with this baby. Besides - it bloody hurts! I'm fed up with not having someone's hand to hold, and cervical stuff always makes me emotional, so I'll need someone to cry on a bit too probably. At least this time the pain will be for a more positive cause though!

So, naughtiness. Yes, today I was very naughty indeed. Not only did I have a really good old browse around the baby bits in Mothercare and BHS (deciding that actually, they do have some pretty nice unisex newborn stuff!), before I went there, I was in teh Disney Store on Bond street. I had vouchers to burn and spend most on Frazer Scarlett and Rowan. But was that the first thing I looked at? No way.
I was almost pulled up those stairs, to the baby section. i know how adorable that stuff is and I had to have something, even if just one thing!
I bought a dalmation pup teddy. It's so very soft, and it has a snuggle comforter blankie bit attached. I feel weird to hope that the baby will like it when I don't even have the beginnings of a baby to give it to yet.
but that's not the end of it - I ventured a look around, resisted the layette basket, so beautifully adorned with little Dumbo embroideries, I walked straight past the knitted winnie the pooh booties (without too much pooh on fortunately, over commercialised), so pretty and chunky, in either pink or blue - I'd need one pair of each just in case! - and I went over to the adult bits.
Oops. There I found a gorgeous Bambi shoulder bag; perfect for a baby bag. Pockets in teh right places, enough room for a couple of nappies and a change of clothes inside and a big ol' strap too. There was a purse to match so i got that too!
Well, I do need a purse. Problem is that now i can't let myself use it until I have a baby or else it'll be all grubby and discoloured next to the bag! lol

Naughtier still, is that I showed the children what I had bought and why. I explained that it would be a long time until I ever have another baby, but that I would like to save it in preparation. I feel a bit bad about this, but I don't know why - I don't think they have their hopes up at all. It's probably because I feel i can't tell and show Liam too, now why is that? He should be the first person I talk to about these things, but then again, he seems like one of the least interested I suppose.
Everyone else is practically waiting for me to have another baby, especially now that Rowan is at school. I've not told anyone really, apart from Maria, that I am thinking of trying at some point this year.

I'd better get off now, been typing this for ages and not really feeling any better yet. I really wish Liam would talk to me a bit about it, anything! Rather than me bring it up again. He'd say he doesn't know what to say.
You know what would be absolutely perfect? Him buying a baby thing. Sleep-suit, hat or even only sock - just to know that he thinks of it too, saw something and found it irresistable, as I do.

Oh well, it will come, I hope.