So today my world was flipped upside down.
I'm going along thinking we are having a good time; children and Liam off work, he's done planting with them, digging, baking, playing, etc, everything good and we are all happy.
Rowan has never handled school holidays well, even when he wasn't at school. This is his first holiday longer than a week since he's started and combined with the fact that he was obviously tired, obviously he got moody.
This upset Liam (it would upset anyone) and when the others started being pests too, he shouted at them. He only sent them upstairs, but as they were tired they cried noisily on the way.
Then he says to me;
'I don't know why you want children, with me being like this with the ones we already have'
It was horrible. It was all my fears of the past few weeks confirmed in one sentence. He obviously has been thinking about baby trying at some point, but only the bad stuff. The accusing tone he used blatantly said that he did not want a child at all (it came damn close to implying that he didn't want the ones we have!) and that the very idea of TTC is all my doing.
He said it to hurt too. I can tell, not just because of the way he said it, but how he watched me closely afterwards. He does that and then he asks me what's wrong, like he doesn't know. I asked him why he asked me and he said it was obvious there was something up, but said nothing more, which is pretty typical of the situation.
So why did he want to hurt me? Is it because he's been dwelling on this and waiting for a moment to lash out? Or did he not intend to hurt, but it's a thought that's been there for ages, and today he just couldn't keep it in?
Either way, I've been left wanting to cry ever since. And I've felt sick. I came close to wanting to make myself vomit actually, but resisted. You know why I resisted? Because of the baby! I've told myself for ages now, that I can't be thinking of getting pregnant if I can't stay sane enough to steer clear of self harm and eating disorders. So it's pretty crappy that I'm feeling like this over a baby related issue.
And that's it. That's the end of my crappy moan post. I don't know where I go from here to be honest.
I am quite thankful that I think Liam doesn't read this blog. I think he may have at some point but I don't think he does now. I've been honest anyway and told him that it's mainly boring stuff, although I do moan sometimes. I think he knows that if I moan about him it's with good cause, so he isn't bothered about reading that, but then I don't think I moan about him that often anyway.
Just this morning I was thinking what a fantastic husband he is. This afternoon I was so happy just to be with him, and I can't get over how lucky I am to be in such a Loving relationship with a man that so dotes on me and his children (oh, and he got me an expensive gift after his tutorial today!), when I know so many other people are stuck in relationships going nowhere but bringing them down.
Then I just feel torn apart and not sure where to go.
The most heartbreaking thing, is that when I feel down there is someone I can always rely on. I always have Liam to comfort and reassure me. His arms are always open, and his shoulder ready to cry on. He soothes me when I am down even if he can't make it better.
Yet with this I can not talk to him at all. When the person you Love and trust most of all is the one you have conflict with, it is the most miserable place your heart could ever possibly be in.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Planning Frazer's Party - the beginning
I'm not even going to mention everything I've been moaning about on Piazza Pacifico (CN support forum) because it's just he same old same old and I don't want to be that miserable all the time! I will say that I've still not spoken to Liam, even though he did give me a bit of an opening (unsure whether he's read my blog or just finally clicked, I would rather the latter but all the same it's not as if he said it like he meant it, so it was probably just a coincidence.)
Frazer's Birthday
It's in 2 months - I need to get cracking! If I'm doing a party I like to leave myself about 3 months dammit, what was I thinking!? lol
I think it's because I'm so determined not to do much this time. He had a big (full class almost) party last year so is NOT having another this year. Today I heard about this; http://www.eco.co.uk/visitors/whatson/consumer/doctor-who-exhibition/
and it looks really good. It goes right up until September, so we could take Frazer for his birthday. I'm thinking of taking him there and having a mini tea party at home after, just some junk food and a Tardis cake - nothing major at all.
But then I start looking up Doctor Who party ideas (http://209.15.117.162/html/space_parties_6.html) and then I start looking at Doctor Who party products on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=380014279984&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=025)
and whoops - there I go again! Getting carried away on yet another party.
The problem is that Frazer just isn't as social as Scarlett, so I want to make an effort for him all the more. He doesn't have a best friend at school, and I'm not entirely sure how the friends he does play with are with him. I'd like to invite his closest friends from school - if it were only one or two I'd ask them along to the exhibition as well as to the party at home!
OK, been thinking about it - I've shown Frazer the pics of the exhibition that a friend has taken and he LOVES the idea. I'd like to ask Sally and her boys along - I'm thinking that two family tickets plus an extra child (from school) will probably still be less than bowling, which is what Frazer first wanted to do (then drifted off the idea).
We can then come home and eat Tardis cake and somehow force me to do the bare minimum in entertainment at home and party bags! I always go way OTT.
At school Frazer has never really had a best friend. He played a fair bit with Frankie in nursery, but drifted apart. Then Jack in year one; Jack even came to visit once and Frazer went to his house - we don't often get visitors as we don't live as close to the school as everyone else. Then Jack moved and that's it really.
He's started to play with Jack (new boy replacing the old Jack!), James and Jack from the other year 2 class. I remember his teacher suggesting the new Jack as a good friend, as he seems nice, and where he is new it gives Frazer (being so shy) a better chance to make friends. Frazer says that out of the 3, this Jack is his favourite, though still insists he has no best friend! lol Maybe we will ask this Jack along to Frazer's birthday if his mum is OK with it.
Frazer's Birthday
It's in 2 months - I need to get cracking! If I'm doing a party I like to leave myself about 3 months dammit, what was I thinking!? lol
I think it's because I'm so determined not to do much this time. He had a big (full class almost) party last year so is NOT having another this year. Today I heard about this; http://www.eco.co.uk/visitors/whatson/consumer/doctor-who-exhibition/
and it looks really good. It goes right up until September, so we could take Frazer for his birthday. I'm thinking of taking him there and having a mini tea party at home after, just some junk food and a Tardis cake - nothing major at all.
But then I start looking up Doctor Who party ideas (http://209.15.117.162/html/space_parties_6.html) and then I start looking at Doctor Who party products on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=380014279984&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=025)
and whoops - there I go again! Getting carried away on yet another party.
The problem is that Frazer just isn't as social as Scarlett, so I want to make an effort for him all the more. He doesn't have a best friend at school, and I'm not entirely sure how the friends he does play with are with him. I'd like to invite his closest friends from school - if it were only one or two I'd ask them along to the exhibition as well as to the party at home!
OK, been thinking about it - I've shown Frazer the pics of the exhibition that a friend has taken and he LOVES the idea. I'd like to ask Sally and her boys along - I'm thinking that two family tickets plus an extra child (from school) will probably still be less than bowling, which is what Frazer first wanted to do (then drifted off the idea).
We can then come home and eat Tardis cake and somehow force me to do the bare minimum in entertainment at home and party bags! I always go way OTT.
At school Frazer has never really had a best friend. He played a fair bit with Frankie in nursery, but drifted apart. Then Jack in year one; Jack even came to visit once and Frazer went to his house - we don't often get visitors as we don't live as close to the school as everyone else. Then Jack moved and that's it really.
He's started to play with Jack (new boy replacing the old Jack!), James and Jack from the other year 2 class. I remember his teacher suggesting the new Jack as a good friend, as he seems nice, and where he is new it gives Frazer (being so shy) a better chance to make friends. Frazer says that out of the 3, this Jack is his favourite, though still insists he has no best friend! lol Maybe we will ask this Jack along to Frazer's birthday if his mum is OK with it.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
so the plan is...
The plan is (or was?) to get my coil out, at some point while Liam is off work, he's off work from today, for a week.
So why haven't I talked to him about it?
I've been trying to for about 2 weeks now, and yet every time I open up my mouth I get choked. Can't he even see it in me?
There's been so many uncomfortable silences recently. I'll give him a big hug and then want to say something, but I don't. I can't.
As I get in to bed, I want to say something, and I'm sure that as I doze off I try to speak. Probably comes out incoherent mumblings, but in my head it's a whole conversation.
I just want to ask him how he is feeling about it all now. to ask him if he is ready to support me and go through with it all.
I think that the reason I can not is because I am so, so scared that he will say he is not.
What if he is unwilling to help me? Doesn't want to come along to the clinic - or worse still, comes, but begrudgingly. I hate that.
He knows that I'm scared of internals and I need his support. He promised to give it but what if he's changed his mind?
I it's think the lack of talking about it from him - and when I say 'lack' I really mean NOTHING - AT - ALL. If he's saying nothing is he really thinking nothing on it? Or is he actually thinking such terrible thoughts that he does not want to share them with me?
I know I can cope, he knows that I cope. I know that he can cope and I will take up the extra when he needs to study. It will be no trouble at all once I'm off my course, less sleep but *far* less head-space to fill, and besides, it will actually be something I enjoy.
Maybe when we are together he looks at me differently than I think.
Does he see my scars? Does he look at my imperfections as an indication that I can never manage? I see the scars on my arms are fading away, there's not so many that are visible anymore, just the deepest ones.
My legs are a different matter, I'm not sure that all of them will ever go, and I'm certain that my biggest wrist one will be with me until the day I die. There's a certain irony in saying that...
So does he see me as a failure? I've promised I can cope, but I need to talk about these things. He knows that, I am 100% certain he knows that I need to talk. But I get no openings.
He keeps threatening to read this blog. I'm sure that he does not, but there's a part of me that's beyond caring now anyway. I can't talk to him after all, and everyone online must be sick of me going on about the same old stuff, and I could never say all this to my real life friends and family.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
So why haven't I talked to him about it?
I've been trying to for about 2 weeks now, and yet every time I open up my mouth I get choked. Can't he even see it in me?
There's been so many uncomfortable silences recently. I'll give him a big hug and then want to say something, but I don't. I can't.
As I get in to bed, I want to say something, and I'm sure that as I doze off I try to speak. Probably comes out incoherent mumblings, but in my head it's a whole conversation.
I just want to ask him how he is feeling about it all now. to ask him if he is ready to support me and go through with it all.
I think that the reason I can not is because I am so, so scared that he will say he is not.
What if he is unwilling to help me? Doesn't want to come along to the clinic - or worse still, comes, but begrudgingly. I hate that.
He knows that I'm scared of internals and I need his support. He promised to give it but what if he's changed his mind?
I it's think the lack of talking about it from him - and when I say 'lack' I really mean NOTHING - AT - ALL. If he's saying nothing is he really thinking nothing on it? Or is he actually thinking such terrible thoughts that he does not want to share them with me?
I know I can cope, he knows that I cope. I know that he can cope and I will take up the extra when he needs to study. It will be no trouble at all once I'm off my course, less sleep but *far* less head-space to fill, and besides, it will actually be something I enjoy.
Maybe when we are together he looks at me differently than I think.
Does he see my scars? Does he look at my imperfections as an indication that I can never manage? I see the scars on my arms are fading away, there's not so many that are visible anymore, just the deepest ones.
My legs are a different matter, I'm not sure that all of them will ever go, and I'm certain that my biggest wrist one will be with me until the day I die. There's a certain irony in saying that...
So does he see me as a failure? I've promised I can cope, but I need to talk about these things. He knows that, I am 100% certain he knows that I need to talk. But I get no openings.
He keeps threatening to read this blog. I'm sure that he does not, but there's a part of me that's beyond caring now anyway. I can't talk to him after all, and everyone online must be sick of me going on about the same old stuff, and I could never say all this to my real life friends and family.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Weekend and More
The Roller Disco
http://www.rollerdisco.info/vauxhall/
Was fab! I couldn't recommend it enough. We did the usual me being too late to leave on time thing (It's bloody hard managing children and getting ready on very limited time!), Liam getting pissed off and me trying not to cry thing. And we both once more swore not to go out with each other again but to only stick to going out with our other friends.
We got to the pub shortly before they left for the pub and I was *hugely* relieved to see that everyone was fully dressed up - no half measures! H welcomed me with (literally) open arms and her friends are all really nice too. Liam knew quite a few of the group through kung fu, but I'd say that I could still only name about 3 of them.
I didn't fall over once, and though I do say so myself, I think I looked great! 80's get up is not sexy, but certainly fun. Liam looked like he had the longest legs ever with his tucked in T-shirt (retro!) and skates, he did look lovely.
The club isn't the most social of places, well not for me anyway as I was too busy skating, and once on the skate/dance floor you can't get close shout loud enough to be heard by friends. The stewards were fab though, peeping their whistles and forming a human barrier when ever someone fell over, grabbing any bits they saw on the floor, moving people along if they stopped in the way to chat and even teaching people if they asked. There was no trouble at all there until the end of the night when a few girls tried to fight, but that quickly got put out - the only worry I had was the heavy skates in hands!
There was a man there in a full Bananaman costume! I don't think he got beaten on the 100% effort stakes but he must have been roasting! Lots of girls were dressed similarly to me, but I think mine was best TBH - and it's not often I'll say things like that! There were many men dressed in a 70's shirt with a huge afro and those dodgy stick on moustaches with big sunglasses - very fun for the blokes to get in on the dress up action for a change.
There were a couple of true pros, who were hypnotizing to watch, they looked as thought hey had been skating all their lives! But there were a few that were great on skates, but just not careful with it like the true pros - they were bit too cocky and so didn't care if they knocked someone else over. I was pleased that most of the people there were as wobbly on wheels as I had expected to be, and quite a few were much worse! Although I've never been able to move at all when on roller skates, I didn't fall over once, and by the end of the night I was really enjoying myself and feeling like I could really do this. I even had people asking if I had done it much before because I had such a good sense of balance.
It took a while to find my rhythm, because I am so used to roller blades, which are more different than I thought from regular skates! As i said, not one fall, although I'm sure people had it in for me, shooting out in front, clipping my wheels and crashing around me, grabbing my arms as they went!
We stopped a few times to chat with the others. H had a booth because it was her birthday (she also had flashing skate wheels!) and it was a good place to meet up for a drink and be a bit more sociable. They were really nice chatty people and H was so pleased that 'so many nice people had come.'
The Mafia Meetup
Me and Liam got home really late from the roller disco - I think we were in bed at 3am. We felt immensely guilty as we had left Ashleigh and her friend with no blankets!
The kids were complete loons of course; they always are when people are over, but they were especially excited because today was the day of the meetup in Horsham. We managed to miss our direct train, but changed at Gatwick and it worked out ok - by far better than bussing it to Victoria.
It was SO lovely to meet with Marilyn especially, as we have been chatting more and more via msn and so it was not uncomfortable at all. There were loads of lovely people there, I'm not going to name all their names in case they would rather I didn't, but I did have a lovely time, and quite a laugh too at times! There was a rather obvious divide in the room which was a shame, but partly expected, and it didn't spoil the fun at all. I would really like to meet up with Marilyn again, but with her living so far away, it's unlikely to happen often. It's so nice to meet someone that you instantly get on with, so that there are no awkward moments, but you just chat away like you've always known each other. Speaking of such things - I really really wish Sally could have been there, I'm missing her at the moment as she's barely online because of her broken computer.
Someone else I'm really missing is Sarah and her lovely daughters. I haven't seen her since Christmas and at times I really miss having her around to see more often. We used to meet a few times a week and it's only now I realise how luck I was to have that kind of friendship.
I've been told that the next meetup is to be at my house - I look forward to that! I don't know how soon to make it though, and hopefully doggie arrangements can be made, or that people just don't mind there being a woofer around.
Sunday - Kung Fu Day and Snow Day
Well Sunday was fun.
No - I mean it!
We woke up on Sunday with Liam groaning - we could hear the tell tale pitter patter of rain on our window ledge, but when we got up the world was WHITE! It must have been melting snow by our window.
We trouped off to kung fu as normal, and I must say, I am so glad I went with Liam to the disco - the people that had been there all took the time to say hello to me, ask if I had any bruises etc ask how I was and say how they enjoyed themselves. For the first time at kung fu I felt really welcome and I really appreciated that. It may have been this, or it may have been Liam who seemed less tetchy than usual, or maybe that Rowan did a bit more work in the class, but I had the most enjoyable time so far there. I wont say it was a wonderfully enjoyable experience, but it was not unpleasant and I even smiled through most of it.
Master Ang was there for most of the class. He was watching to see how Liam manges the children's group while the other belts trained elsewhere for their gradings. All the children got a certificate at the end of the class and I was *so* relieved when Rowan spoke to Master Ang without telling him to go away, because he gave Rowan a hug and spoke to him, normally that's MORE than enough to make him freak out.
We hung around after to see the first grading. Frazer will have to go in to the proper class when he turns 7, and it's really about time he started thinking about going for his first belt. I wanted him to see what happens at a grading, how easy it is when you know the stuff and how he could achieve it with little work, as he already knows most of it. Most importantly I wanted him to see that everyone gets it wrong, but that no one gets told off and they all still passed.
I was lovely on the way home - random snowball fights were breaking out everywhere and I kept taking pictures because the world looks so pretty when it's snowy. People were going in to Greenwich park with toboggans and I couldn't help but think how great that must be, on the steep hills in there. On our way to kung fu, as the bus topped the hill leading to Blackheath, we were shocked to see a world of white - almost as far as we could see! on our way home we got to enjoy some of the untouched snow. Frazer and Scarlett made snow angels (I hesitated with Frazer as he had lost his wellies, but gave in as there's so little opportunity normally), we threw snowballs at each other and squeak-crunched through the snow making tracks. We even had time to make a snowman before ht bus got there! I'm so pleased, because I remember how much joy that brought to me as a child, as it so rarely snows enough.
I wish we could have done more, but I was so tired - the (long) weekend was catching up on me. It was too cold anyway and we were all desperate to get in and have hot chocolate with biscuits in front of a good film.
More
Monday and School holidays now, thank goodness! I am so not one of these mums that freaks out at the thought of time with her children - I always look forward to it. Of course Monday was the day to drive mum mad, but this is mainly my own doing. On Sunday night the children were real rotters, so I had told them that if they continued, we would be doing nothing interesting or fun together the next day. And so they continued. Unfortunately the punishment is as much mine as theirs!
So we didn't get much done on Monday, and they did a lot of screaming at each other, and I shouted at them when they would not tidy up. I put the film Ratatouille on for them which gave us all some quiet time to wind down with before Liam got home.
Tuesday was a better day. I got FLYing (http://www.flylady.net/) and the children helped. They kept their room clear and dried the floor after I mopped. I cleaned all over the place and did the '1 hour home blessing' and scrubbed finger marks off doorways where I didn't know there were finger marks!
Last night (still Tues) I finally watched one of my downloads - 'Dawn Goes Lesbian'. It's really good, not high on the documentary stakes, but fun to watch, and horny as hell in places! I still have the Friday Night Project (guest star David Tennant) and the last Torchwood to watch, I hope they are still available - I have downloaded them but I think they can still run out.
Last night the worst night with lack of sleep that I've had in ages. I don't know why but I was tossing and turning a lot - and with Rowan first crying for me to put his blanket back on, and then coming in bed with us (more unusual nowadays) and hogging all the space, well it just wasn't good. It got worse when Liam started taking up too much room and I rolled over - then Rowan fell right out of bed with a bump! Poor thing, he said he hit his head on the way down too. After that he slept at the foot of the bed as he always used to do. Didn't take up too much room but I just could NOT sleep right after that.
So after a night full of disruptions, ill rest and weird dreams, my phone starts ringing at about 5:30. I'm amazed that I actually looked at it, and didn't assume it was a phone alarm that I always turn right off! It was my mum, so I instantly worried. Her mum (who has cancer) had been taken in to hospital and she needed to get there, so could I have the boys? I said yes, of course(!) and they got here before 6am.
I don't mind having Isaac and Cameron, but it puts me on edge. I feel constantly on edge when they are there actually. Isaac - if i haven't mentioned - has Bi Polar. For years now he has been able to turn psychopathic for the slightest reason, sometimes no reason at all. He is on medication (took a LOT of fighting to get there, and a diagnosis) and so much better to be around, but still able to get in to a mood, or hit out at people. Normally he leaves the house now, I am quite pleased that he does this as I think it is a good way for him to keep on top of things, but when Cameron winds him up (and this is usually the case) Isaac may well feel hurt or angry before he leaves.
Today I posted this online;
Somebody take me away from this awful place! ...and put me in a dark, quiet room with a comfortable bed please.
I had the worst night sleep last night - and I NEED my sleep or I'm not worth being around. I had children that at first wouldn't sleep, then I fell asleep on my study books (again), then in the night Rowan wailing for me to put his blanket back on. Then he got in bed with me and scrunched me all up small - then I turned over and made him fall out of bed(!) and after that I simply couldn't sleep. Then my mum phoned at about 5:30 asking me to watch my brothers as her mum had been taken to hospital I've no idea what the situation there is now but I hope things are ok. At home I have 5 children and a mad dog running around screaming and playing hide and seek. They've been doing this for some time now and I don't have the energy to tell them to stop...
Great, and now I've heard a smash upstairs. There is a lot of angry arguing going on over who broke it, how and because of who else etc... How long until they get down here and loudly tell me about it all at the same time?
*sigh*
I hate days like this. The plan was a good night's sleep and then breastfeeding cafe today!
ETA - it was the bathroom lock that got broken. It's a kind of internal lock which is really annoying because I don't know how to fix it. The door can still be locked but now I can't open it from the outside if someone small locks them self in. I went up to investigate and told everyone to stop arguing over who done it. I pointed out that the door is broken (OK, I may have swore ) and that it really doesn't matter who did it, because knowing who will not fix it. I told Rowan off for calling someone a 'stupid boy' and then started to get my lot dressed.
Now Isaac has walked out, which on the one hand is good (If he can feel himself getting worked up) but has worried me because he doesn't have a phone and there's no one at his house. I planned to go shopping but now I really need to stay here in case he comes back...
Woohoo - he's back now, phew. but I'm sure that having conversations with myself can't be a good sign...!
I wish I could take the dog out! This is part of my on going problem - she has been in season for what seems like forever now, so I'm unable to get her out much.
The plan now is to go out to Asda in a bit. I noticed yesterday that they had Willow (remember that film?) on DVD for £5! and I think this lot should sit nicely to watch that. I'd like the idea of pizza making, but have a worrying feeling that it will lead to fights. It can be a back up plan - I really need to give them separate things to do, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment.
Right now my lot are all (miraculously!) dressed and playing quietly. Isaac returned with his PSP so he must have gone home for it. He's playing that in a corner now, I think with my noisy children he just needs time and a place to shut himself off from it all.
Plan now is to get value frozen pizzas and bits to go on top. So far so good here, but TBH when my brothers are over I feel like I'm constantly on edge. No idea how gran is (she's not really my gran, as I've never been that involved with the extended part of my foster family) but I'm hoping that no news is good news.
Well they've had their pizzas, eaten loads of other stuff (but I'm trying to avoid the junk stuff in fear of mood swings!) and watched Willow, which went down well. They're all upstairs now, admittedly noisily playing, but my mum has just phoned and will be picking them up in about 20 minutes. Her mum has pneumonia, and will probably be in hospital for about a week. Problem now is that it's the holidays, so any other hospital trips she does will require me brother-sitting, and I feel so so selfish to resent that But I'll do it anyway, don't get me wrong.
Brothers are gone now, and we all survived fine. But now Liam is out at Kung Fu, and so I have to do that Wednesday shift that I hate, on a day when I am tired - so, so tired!
http://www.rollerdisco.info/vauxhall/
Was fab! I couldn't recommend it enough. We did the usual me being too late to leave on time thing (It's bloody hard managing children and getting ready on very limited time!), Liam getting pissed off and me trying not to cry thing. And we both once more swore not to go out with each other again but to only stick to going out with our other friends.
We got to the pub shortly before they left for the pub and I was *hugely* relieved to see that everyone was fully dressed up - no half measures! H welcomed me with (literally) open arms and her friends are all really nice too. Liam knew quite a few of the group through kung fu, but I'd say that I could still only name about 3 of them.
I didn't fall over once, and though I do say so myself, I think I looked great! 80's get up is not sexy, but certainly fun. Liam looked like he had the longest legs ever with his tucked in T-shirt (retro!) and skates, he did look lovely.
The club isn't the most social of places, well not for me anyway as I was too busy skating, and once on the skate/dance floor you can't get close shout loud enough to be heard by friends. The stewards were fab though, peeping their whistles and forming a human barrier when ever someone fell over, grabbing any bits they saw on the floor, moving people along if they stopped in the way to chat and even teaching people if they asked. There was no trouble at all there until the end of the night when a few girls tried to fight, but that quickly got put out - the only worry I had was the heavy skates in hands!
There was a man there in a full Bananaman costume! I don't think he got beaten on the 100% effort stakes but he must have been roasting! Lots of girls were dressed similarly to me, but I think mine was best TBH - and it's not often I'll say things like that! There were many men dressed in a 70's shirt with a huge afro and those dodgy stick on moustaches with big sunglasses - very fun for the blokes to get in on the dress up action for a change.
There were a couple of true pros, who were hypnotizing to watch, they looked as thought hey had been skating all their lives! But there were a few that were great on skates, but just not careful with it like the true pros - they were bit too cocky and so didn't care if they knocked someone else over. I was pleased that most of the people there were as wobbly on wheels as I had expected to be, and quite a few were much worse! Although I've never been able to move at all when on roller skates, I didn't fall over once, and by the end of the night I was really enjoying myself and feeling like I could really do this. I even had people asking if I had done it much before because I had such a good sense of balance.
It took a while to find my rhythm, because I am so used to roller blades, which are more different than I thought from regular skates! As i said, not one fall, although I'm sure people had it in for me, shooting out in front, clipping my wheels and crashing around me, grabbing my arms as they went!
We stopped a few times to chat with the others. H had a booth because it was her birthday (she also had flashing skate wheels!) and it was a good place to meet up for a drink and be a bit more sociable. They were really nice chatty people and H was so pleased that 'so many nice people had come.'
The Mafia Meetup
Me and Liam got home really late from the roller disco - I think we were in bed at 3am. We felt immensely guilty as we had left Ashleigh and her friend with no blankets!
The kids were complete loons of course; they always are when people are over, but they were especially excited because today was the day of the meetup in Horsham. We managed to miss our direct train, but changed at Gatwick and it worked out ok - by far better than bussing it to Victoria.
It was SO lovely to meet with Marilyn especially, as we have been chatting more and more via msn and so it was not uncomfortable at all. There were loads of lovely people there, I'm not going to name all their names in case they would rather I didn't, but I did have a lovely time, and quite a laugh too at times! There was a rather obvious divide in the room which was a shame, but partly expected, and it didn't spoil the fun at all. I would really like to meet up with Marilyn again, but with her living so far away, it's unlikely to happen often. It's so nice to meet someone that you instantly get on with, so that there are no awkward moments, but you just chat away like you've always known each other. Speaking of such things - I really really wish Sally could have been there, I'm missing her at the moment as she's barely online because of her broken computer.
Someone else I'm really missing is Sarah and her lovely daughters. I haven't seen her since Christmas and at times I really miss having her around to see more often. We used to meet a few times a week and it's only now I realise how luck I was to have that kind of friendship.
I've been told that the next meetup is to be at my house - I look forward to that! I don't know how soon to make it though, and hopefully doggie arrangements can be made, or that people just don't mind there being a woofer around.
Sunday - Kung Fu Day and Snow Day
Well Sunday was fun.
No - I mean it!
We woke up on Sunday with Liam groaning - we could hear the tell tale pitter patter of rain on our window ledge, but when we got up the world was WHITE! It must have been melting snow by our window.
We trouped off to kung fu as normal, and I must say, I am so glad I went with Liam to the disco - the people that had been there all took the time to say hello to me, ask if I had any bruises etc ask how I was and say how they enjoyed themselves. For the first time at kung fu I felt really welcome and I really appreciated that. It may have been this, or it may have been Liam who seemed less tetchy than usual, or maybe that Rowan did a bit more work in the class, but I had the most enjoyable time so far there. I wont say it was a wonderfully enjoyable experience, but it was not unpleasant and I even smiled through most of it.
Master Ang was there for most of the class. He was watching to see how Liam manges the children's group while the other belts trained elsewhere for their gradings. All the children got a certificate at the end of the class and I was *so* relieved when Rowan spoke to Master Ang without telling him to go away, because he gave Rowan a hug and spoke to him, normally that's MORE than enough to make him freak out.
We hung around after to see the first grading. Frazer will have to go in to the proper class when he turns 7, and it's really about time he started thinking about going for his first belt. I wanted him to see what happens at a grading, how easy it is when you know the stuff and how he could achieve it with little work, as he already knows most of it. Most importantly I wanted him to see that everyone gets it wrong, but that no one gets told off and they all still passed.
I was lovely on the way home - random snowball fights were breaking out everywhere and I kept taking pictures because the world looks so pretty when it's snowy. People were going in to Greenwich park with toboggans and I couldn't help but think how great that must be, on the steep hills in there. On our way to kung fu, as the bus topped the hill leading to Blackheath, we were shocked to see a world of white - almost as far as we could see! on our way home we got to enjoy some of the untouched snow. Frazer and Scarlett made snow angels (I hesitated with Frazer as he had lost his wellies, but gave in as there's so little opportunity normally), we threw snowballs at each other and squeak-crunched through the snow making tracks. We even had time to make a snowman before ht bus got there! I'm so pleased, because I remember how much joy that brought to me as a child, as it so rarely snows enough.
I wish we could have done more, but I was so tired - the (long) weekend was catching up on me. It was too cold anyway and we were all desperate to get in and have hot chocolate with biscuits in front of a good film.
More
Monday and School holidays now, thank goodness! I am so not one of these mums that freaks out at the thought of time with her children - I always look forward to it. Of course Monday was the day to drive mum mad, but this is mainly my own doing. On Sunday night the children were real rotters, so I had told them that if they continued, we would be doing nothing interesting or fun together the next day. And so they continued. Unfortunately the punishment is as much mine as theirs!
So we didn't get much done on Monday, and they did a lot of screaming at each other, and I shouted at them when they would not tidy up. I put the film Ratatouille on for them which gave us all some quiet time to wind down with before Liam got home.
Tuesday was a better day. I got FLYing (http://www.flylady.net/) and the children helped. They kept their room clear and dried the floor after I mopped. I cleaned all over the place and did the '1 hour home blessing' and scrubbed finger marks off doorways where I didn't know there were finger marks!
Last night (still Tues) I finally watched one of my downloads - 'Dawn Goes Lesbian'. It's really good, not high on the documentary stakes, but fun to watch, and horny as hell in places! I still have the Friday Night Project (guest star David Tennant) and the last Torchwood to watch, I hope they are still available - I have downloaded them but I think they can still run out.
Last night the worst night with lack of sleep that I've had in ages. I don't know why but I was tossing and turning a lot - and with Rowan first crying for me to put his blanket back on, and then coming in bed with us (more unusual nowadays) and hogging all the space, well it just wasn't good. It got worse when Liam started taking up too much room and I rolled over - then Rowan fell right out of bed with a bump! Poor thing, he said he hit his head on the way down too. After that he slept at the foot of the bed as he always used to do. Didn't take up too much room but I just could NOT sleep right after that.
So after a night full of disruptions, ill rest and weird dreams, my phone starts ringing at about 5:30. I'm amazed that I actually looked at it, and didn't assume it was a phone alarm that I always turn right off! It was my mum, so I instantly worried. Her mum (who has cancer) had been taken in to hospital and she needed to get there, so could I have the boys? I said yes, of course(!) and they got here before 6am.
I don't mind having Isaac and Cameron, but it puts me on edge. I feel constantly on edge when they are there actually. Isaac - if i haven't mentioned - has Bi Polar. For years now he has been able to turn psychopathic for the slightest reason, sometimes no reason at all. He is on medication (took a LOT of fighting to get there, and a diagnosis) and so much better to be around, but still able to get in to a mood, or hit out at people. Normally he leaves the house now, I am quite pleased that he does this as I think it is a good way for him to keep on top of things, but when Cameron winds him up (and this is usually the case) Isaac may well feel hurt or angry before he leaves.
Today I posted this online;
Somebody take me away from this awful place! ...and put me in a dark, quiet room with a comfortable bed please.
I had the worst night sleep last night - and I NEED my sleep or I'm not worth being around. I had children that at first wouldn't sleep, then I fell asleep on my study books (again), then in the night Rowan wailing for me to put his blanket back on. Then he got in bed with me and scrunched me all up small - then I turned over and made him fall out of bed(!) and after that I simply couldn't sleep. Then my mum phoned at about 5:30 asking me to watch my brothers as her mum had been taken to hospital I've no idea what the situation there is now but I hope things are ok. At home I have 5 children and a mad dog running around screaming and playing hide and seek. They've been doing this for some time now and I don't have the energy to tell them to stop...
Great, and now I've heard a smash upstairs. There is a lot of angry arguing going on over who broke it, how and because of who else etc... How long until they get down here and loudly tell me about it all at the same time?
*sigh*
I hate days like this. The plan was a good night's sleep and then breastfeeding cafe today!
ETA - it was the bathroom lock that got broken. It's a kind of internal lock which is really annoying because I don't know how to fix it. The door can still be locked but now I can't open it from the outside if someone small locks them self in. I went up to investigate and told everyone to stop arguing over who done it. I pointed out that the door is broken (OK, I may have swore ) and that it really doesn't matter who did it, because knowing who will not fix it. I told Rowan off for calling someone a 'stupid boy' and then started to get my lot dressed.
Now Isaac has walked out, which on the one hand is good (If he can feel himself getting worked up) but has worried me because he doesn't have a phone and there's no one at his house. I planned to go shopping but now I really need to stay here in case he comes back...
Woohoo - he's back now, phew. but I'm sure that having conversations with myself can't be a good sign...!
I wish I could take the dog out! This is part of my on going problem - she has been in season for what seems like forever now, so I'm unable to get her out much.
The plan now is to go out to Asda in a bit. I noticed yesterday that they had Willow (remember that film?) on DVD for £5! and I think this lot should sit nicely to watch that. I'd like the idea of pizza making, but have a worrying feeling that it will lead to fights. It can be a back up plan - I really need to give them separate things to do, and I don't have a lot of money at the moment.
Right now my lot are all (miraculously!) dressed and playing quietly. Isaac returned with his PSP so he must have gone home for it. He's playing that in a corner now, I think with my noisy children he just needs time and a place to shut himself off from it all.
Plan now is to get value frozen pizzas and bits to go on top. So far so good here, but TBH when my brothers are over I feel like I'm constantly on edge. No idea how gran is (she's not really my gran, as I've never been that involved with the extended part of my foster family) but I'm hoping that no news is good news.
Well they've had their pizzas, eaten loads of other stuff (but I'm trying to avoid the junk stuff in fear of mood swings!) and watched Willow, which went down well. They're all upstairs now, admittedly noisily playing, but my mum has just phoned and will be picking them up in about 20 minutes. Her mum has pneumonia, and will probably be in hospital for about a week. Problem now is that it's the holidays, so any other hospital trips she does will require me brother-sitting, and I feel so so selfish to resent that But I'll do it anyway, don't get me wrong.
Brothers are gone now, and we all survived fine. But now Liam is out at Kung Fu, and so I have to do that Wednesday shift that I hate, on a day when I am tired - so, so tired!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Here I go again on my own
Ever so lone lone lone lone lonelyyyyyyyy....
It's a song - cut me some slack, it's hard to get on here!
So this evening went like this;
It's a song - cut me some slack, it's hard to get on here!
So this evening went like this;
- Home - get children's coats off and badger them in to getting changed
- Carry on nagging them while trying to read email from tutor (yeay!)
- Feed children while trying to read emails
- Help Rowan and give up reading emails
- Get dates for BF peer support training (yeay!) on calender
- Liam gets home - Liam cooks
- Liam moans at children for moaning
- Wake Rowan up for dinner (biiig mistake)
- Try to calm Rowan down
- Try to calm Liam down (Rowan pissing him off)
- Try to get children to bed - involves 'sleeping' with Rowan for half an hour
- Back downstairs to study, Liam sleeps and insists he is not sleeping at all.
- Shower
- After what I think is a minor row, Liam goes to bed.
I don't know what his problem was/is. Tiredness and Rowan being a brat comes as standard. He's not usually this moody about it. I am leaning towards thinking that maybe he's worried about tomorrow. He often gets stressy when it comes to taking me out with his friends - I've seen it before and it will happen again.
I think he thinks I'm going to show him up, that's the way it always seems anyway, it's depressing that I must embarress him so much.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Roller Disco time, and I think I have an outfit sorted! From the top;
Bright pink big net-bow in my hair, pink hoop earrings (and any others I can find), white lace crop top, black fishnet 'fingerless gloves', hopefully pink bracelets (not bought these yet), white rara skirt, pink shorts underneath, black or pink fishnet tights, black legwarmers, pink glittery ballet pumps. I have a bag that matches the shoes!
I hope Liam is OK with this, I don't see why not but he can be weird about this stuff.
The Tutor Replies!
Yep, I got a reply. She's being very supportive. Told me what I can miss and what to do to help. If I use the index to find bits I need I should be able to pass the next TMA, and I probably just need to drop my standards a little too. Although I don't want to 'just pass' (I want to pass with a good grade), I need to realise that scraping a pass is better than giving up entirely!
I'M GOING TO GET TRAINED!!!
And about bloody time too. I started going to the breastfeeding cafe shortly before Rowan was 1. Not long after this it was suggested that my name be put forward for the next peer supporter training. Rowan is now 3 years and 6 months old, and I've finally had the call!
To be fair, it's not their fault - the funding got cut (dammit). I now have to work out and negotiate with other people, how I will be getting Rowan to school, if at all, on the days I'm training. Could be tricky...
What is up with my line breaks tonight?! It keeps doing double spacing on here and I have no idea why! ETA - it isn't showing when I publish, but I'm sure it doesn't normally do it all the same. Weeeiiiirrrrd.
Aggh, is it really midnight?! I still need to get ready for tomorrow, I have nothing at all done! Fat chance of doing much though, with Rowan insisting on not sleeping. He's flouncing about all over the front room half awake and grumpy.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Why am I still up?
I'll tell you why.
It's because I can sit here hitting refresh on my 'check messages' email button.
I know that there's little to no chance that my tutor will reply tonight, and I know that my time would be better spent reading my books or getting ready for the morning.
Yet here I am.
Click.
Refresh.
Click.
Refresh.
Click...
It's because I can sit here hitting refresh on my 'check messages' email button.
I know that there's little to no chance that my tutor will reply tonight, and I know that my time would be better spent reading my books or getting ready for the morning.
Yet here I am.
Click.
Refresh.
Click.
Refresh.
Click...
Sooo annoyed
Pesky School Mum
All is going well with TTC plans and thoughts, kinda. We've been doing ok anyway - You know I've already been saving a few bits for when the time comes... *oops*
Anyway, plan is to have coil out soon, and TTC about May-ish. You may wonder why I am annoyed.
In DD's class at school there is a little boy who is a brat beyond your imagination, I think I've mentioned him before. I'm normally very laid back and like to see good in people, but this boy and his mum get my back up a LOT. This boy is in with DD, putting me on tenterhooks, and he has bullied my DS1 in the playground. He has a sister, and I was *so* annoyed to see that she was in nursery with my DS2 *banghead* It's like I can't escape them!
Can you guess where I'm going?
The mum is pregnant, and due after September, so if my baby plans go well, I will once again have a child in the same class as hers. I know this sounds pathetic, but she is the one person I find really hard to be around, and she socially forces herself on me!
I'll be seeing her at anti and post natal groups, the BF cafe, toddler groups, everywhere mums with babies go, plus school in three classes eventually *banghead* I'll be biting my tongue off while listening to her bad BF advice - oh but ok, because she trained as a peer supporter (and ignored all she was taught) - and her Gina Ford mantra.
I only hope the next baby isn't like her other children, but TBH I think that is wishful thinking...
I seriously considered putting TTC off longer, I really did! But I can't do that to myself, it might take forever to conceive anyway.
Worried about the Course still
In fact, this evening I mailed my tutor the following;
I'm afraid I am behind
Dear Patricia,
I'm writing to you because I am in a difficult position and I don't know what to do.
My first TMA was dreadful - I am only too aware of this and was surprised to even get a pass grade. My reason for this is that I was falling asleep as I wrote it, and again as I sent it.
I'm actually falling asleep really often and I'm not sure if it's simply because of a hectic lifestyle, I'm making an appointment with my GP to rule out any other more sinister possibilities anyway, as it also happens in public places which is obviously not good.
I understand that this is really not of importance to you, so I apologise for making this email long winded.
I really believed that I would do so badly with my first TMA that there would be no point in continuing the course. Consequently, I neglected my studies quite a bit and have now fallen behind. This is now really frustrating for me, as I have become so interested in the course, and I would really like to continue! I've even been making notes of other novels mentioned that I would like to read when this course is finished.
I've still not managed to read right the way through Great Expectations, but I have read Fathers and Sons and Frankenstein. On the course book, The Realist Novel, I am only half way through chapter 4.
I would like your opinion on if there is any way I can feasibly catch up and continue on this course. My 3 children are on their spring holiday next week, and my husband is off work too, so I should be able to get some more study time in if my husband takes over child care a bit more.
If you do not feel that I can do this course justice, or that I stand no chance in passing, etc, then please could you let me know, I shall respect your thoughts and hopefully will re-take the course in a few years time.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this email,
Elaine
I don't know what the effect, if any, will be. I only hope she replies soon. I have my second TMA due in tomorrow, and there's little to no chance that I will manage this. If I do get the assignment in, it will be winging it on the little info I have on the subject, and praying that it is enough to scrape a pass. From then on I will have to just jump to the next chunk of course work rather than try to catch up - and then try o read up on all the bits I missed if by some fluke I get ahead on the course, or read it when I'm done. Hopefully if I get pregnant I'll have some reading time spare over those 9 months and early breastfeeding days!
All is going well with TTC plans and thoughts, kinda. We've been doing ok anyway - You know I've already been saving a few bits for when the time comes... *oops*
Anyway, plan is to have coil out soon, and TTC about May-ish. You may wonder why I am annoyed.
In DD's class at school there is a little boy who is a brat beyond your imagination, I think I've mentioned him before. I'm normally very laid back and like to see good in people, but this boy and his mum get my back up a LOT. This boy is in with DD, putting me on tenterhooks, and he has bullied my DS1 in the playground. He has a sister, and I was *so* annoyed to see that she was in nursery with my DS2 *banghead* It's like I can't escape them!
Can you guess where I'm going?
The mum is pregnant, and due after September, so if my baby plans go well, I will once again have a child in the same class as hers. I know this sounds pathetic, but she is the one person I find really hard to be around, and she socially forces herself on me!
I'll be seeing her at anti and post natal groups, the BF cafe, toddler groups, everywhere mums with babies go, plus school in three classes eventually *banghead* I'll be biting my tongue off while listening to her bad BF advice - oh but ok, because she trained as a peer supporter (and ignored all she was taught) - and her Gina Ford mantra.
I only hope the next baby isn't like her other children, but TBH I think that is wishful thinking...
I seriously considered putting TTC off longer, I really did! But I can't do that to myself, it might take forever to conceive anyway.
Worried about the Course still
In fact, this evening I mailed my tutor the following;
I'm afraid I am behind
Dear Patricia,
I'm writing to you because I am in a difficult position and I don't know what to do.
My first TMA was dreadful - I am only too aware of this and was surprised to even get a pass grade. My reason for this is that I was falling asleep as I wrote it, and again as I sent it.
I'm actually falling asleep really often and I'm not sure if it's simply because of a hectic lifestyle, I'm making an appointment with my GP to rule out any other more sinister possibilities anyway, as it also happens in public places which is obviously not good.
I understand that this is really not of importance to you, so I apologise for making this email long winded.
I really believed that I would do so badly with my first TMA that there would be no point in continuing the course. Consequently, I neglected my studies quite a bit and have now fallen behind. This is now really frustrating for me, as I have become so interested in the course, and I would really like to continue! I've even been making notes of other novels mentioned that I would like to read when this course is finished.
I've still not managed to read right the way through Great Expectations, but I have read Fathers and Sons and Frankenstein. On the course book, The Realist Novel, I am only half way through chapter 4.
I would like your opinion on if there is any way I can feasibly catch up and continue on this course. My 3 children are on their spring holiday next week, and my husband is off work too, so I should be able to get some more study time in if my husband takes over child care a bit more.
If you do not feel that I can do this course justice, or that I stand no chance in passing, etc, then please could you let me know, I shall respect your thoughts and hopefully will re-take the course in a few years time.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this email,
Elaine
I don't know what the effect, if any, will be. I only hope she replies soon. I have my second TMA due in tomorrow, and there's little to no chance that I will manage this. If I do get the assignment in, it will be winging it on the little info I have on the subject, and praying that it is enough to scrape a pass. From then on I will have to just jump to the next chunk of course work rather than try to catch up - and then try o read up on all the bits I missed if by some fluke I get ahead on the course, or read it when I'm done. Hopefully if I get pregnant I'll have some reading time spare over those 9 months and early breastfeeding days!
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