baby baby baby

OK, OK, I know I should be working, but I can't.

My god I'm so broody. You wouldn't believe how I feel right now. I'm supposed to be waiting until may half term to get the coil out, and then another couple of months until beginning TTC, but that's forever!
I want a baby, a tiny little newborn, I want one now.

Every night before I fall asleep, I think about holding my newborn child. Smelling their fuzzy little head, stroking their soft skin. Keeping them warm, feeding, changing, dressing, carrying... It's on my mind so much, it's my true happy thought.

I imagine having a girl, I imagine having a boy. Twins, or triplets even. Their loose skin a birth, their podgy cheeks within no time at all. I love how they smell, I adore it when they get to that very early stage of just being able to smile, but not quite getting it right yet - that newborn valiant effort trying to please mummy and daddy. Or the way they gaze in to the air, trying to make sense of the world...

I picture being pregnant, feeling my baby grow inside me, kicking about, listening to me.
I long to give birth, safe and secure in my own home. I want to see those teenie little wonky 'duckling yawns', as Liam puts it.

I have names all picked out, I hope that he or she will be a little smaller than the siblings I have already had, but know I would be happy at any size or sex.

I keep looking at baby clothes, and I keep looking at maternity stuff; online and in shops. Looking at slings and prams. I hide from Liam the pages that I've left open where I'm looking at pregnancy jeans etc, but I don't know why I'm hiding it.
Probably because he's not bothered I guess. He will comment on me looking at stuff, but go no further - I feel like I'm being naughty, I wish he would tell me that he wants to do this too, without my prompting. I know it wont happen though, but I am grateful that he is OK with it at all. He is lovely

I wish I could do this now. But wait I must!

Two for Joy

Twice today I've seen a pair of magpies together. I'm hoping this is a good sign! I've asked Liam to get two lotto lucky dips, lol.

Well not much happened at all today, nothing that could be classed as 'joy' anyway. We got to school late as usual, morning was ok, Rowan got bitten again this afternoon (school dealt with it very well, head teacher phoned to tell me they considered it unacceptable and would be sending the boy home if it happens again etc), Rowan is dealing with it fine though.
Took ages to get home, Scarlett wet herself again and we were all a bit soggy from the rain. Liam's parcels have arrived - a big food processor and an even bigger food mixer.

I'm still waiting for the luck! lol

I've been having a re-think about where we live. I can not and never have been able to fault this house at all. It's spacious, secure and the heating works. We are all happy living in it and the only thing that's got me down has been the area. But I'm thinking about that.
i think I need to get over it. Well, that's putting it simply. I've been obsessing over moving, thinking constantly about getting an exchange etc, but then realised - there' snot many places out there that would have enough space for our dining table. Hang on, that means out kitchen is pretty big - no, it's huge!
We have three generous bedrooms, the smallest room on the smallest wall still is big enough to fit a bed along it with space at the end!

Our house is lovely, but then I realised - our HOUSE. It's still not a home. We've never decorated, and only have proper flooring downstairs! So I need to work on that. I'll carry on FLYing (flylady) and I need to start thinking about decorating. I also need to get over the hang up of where we live. Everyone else manages fine - so can we.

So that's the plan. I need to decorate and get flooring. I'm going to mural the kid's room, I'm trying to convince them to go with Peter Pan. I was thinking I could just paint the floorboards to match! I want soft, shaggy carpet for our room and i want things nice.

anyone got the money to pay for it?

Liam seems to be feeling better today. He was cheerier this morning and actually checked me when I started to get loud and stressy! This evening he brought me gorgeous flowers and the kids a magazine each, as he was aware that he had been stressy and angry. I tried to steer him towards the word 'upset' as the children respond better to this I think - less scary.
It's lovely though. Not just for the flowers, but to have my Liam back - even though he has gone off upstairs to study!
Which is what I should be doing now actually....

Work is bringing us all down.

Liam's work company has two offices, he is (obviously) in the London one. Last year the Manchester office stopped doing the admin/copy chasing side and passed it all over to the London office. This means that Liam and K (Liam's manager and the only other person in his dept) have been doing twice the amount of work ever since - and it was enough before this!

Of course this means that times when k is not in, Liam has even more work to do. From what he tells me, it's an impossible amount, but K is entitled to his holiday as much as Liam and their boss would never hire another to help. Apparently a temp would be no good either, as they would need training to know what to do and that's not going to happen.

So this week is the Cheltenham racing, and K happens to be a gambler. Meaning he has this week and most of next week off. Meaning Liam has loads of work to do.
Meaning that Liam is about as moody and miserable as he could possibly be. And to make things worse - he doesn't realise how bad he is. He knows he's 'stressed' but i think he thinks it stops there. Or maybe he's just too tired to give it any thought.

All I have heard this week is screeching, shouting, swearing, stomping about kinds of tantrums - and that's just Liam!
Of course the children follow suit. Frazer has been BELLOWING at Scarlett and Rowan if they do anything less than perfect to his requirements (sooo Liam) and he's getting really frustrated at the drop of a hat.
Scarlett has been super demanding - attention seeking like I've never known before. She's started wetting her knickers again and will annoy her brothers for attention, she purposely winds Liam up to the point where he wants to run away or hit her (he normally explodes shouting obscenities) and she doesn't stop crying and screaming.
Rowan. Well Rowan is Rowan. He's reverted back a little - he was a miserable little mite and he's gone back to that after a nice break containing a happier little boy.

And me?
I just want to go and hide all the time. When Liam is at home he's either freaking out about/at the children, picking arguments with me over the tiniest thing (believe me - we've argued loads over nothing recently) or he's upstairs studying. Tonight he didn't have kung fu - he had cancelled it so he could go to an allotment meeting - and this meant a few more arguments and shoutings before the meeting and another argument when he got back - apparently I rolled my eyes in a dodgy way.

Not helping is that I'm just so tired! I thought I was getting better but I'm going to regret typing this tomorrow as I should be going to bed by now but haven't got the kids clothes or lunch ready for tomorrow yet. Liam keeps saying he will help me out more but obviously words don't change things...

I just can't wait for this fortnight to be over, because I know that even at the weekend things will be intense - he'll spend some time trying to 'come down' after work, and then the rest of his time will probably be devoted to stressing about going in again on Monday.
I wouldn't like to sound so presumtious normally, but I've seen all this happen before, enough times for there to be a definite pattern

Storm Watch

Today is the big storm of this winter apparently. We've been getting SEVERE WEATHER WARNINGS for almost a week now and everyone was told to stay in last night if at all possible. Liam came up with the conspiracy theory that actually there was something BIG going on last night that the powers that be didn't want us to see, lol!

Anyway, I was on my way to bed at midnight, which is when we were told the storm would hit, and nothing happened. I woke up this morning to the sound of heavy rain though. Lots of roads and rail lines have been shut, so we phoned the school just in case, as a lot of the teachers commute. Still open as usual, but a 'wellies and brollies day' according to the office receptionist!

Liam takes Frazer and Scarlett to school on Mondays, as there is no groups for Rowan to go to in the mornings and I can't just make him wonder around all morning until nursery starts. Especially on bad weather days.
Last night I wrote up a STORM PLAN;

• Dress as normal in uniform + waterproofs + wellies
• Wear fleeces with packamacks instead of coats
• Bookbags to go inside carrier bags
• Dry socks, trousers, underwear, shoes and coats to go in carrier bags (separate bag each for Frazer and Scarlett
• These bags to be hung on coat hooks at school with waterproofs in after changing
• Don't forget hats and gloves
• No children's umbrellas
• If the storm is really bad I will take children in later

We just about pulled it together I think! Poor Liam wanted to leave earlier I know he did, as he is doing double-triple the amount of work in the office this week, and he's going to have to get the kids changed at school. I hope he manages it - I know I don't want to be out in the rain really, but I like to be in control myself IYKWIM!

So me and Rowan are tucked up at home. The storm doesn't seem too bad; I can hear a little wind whooshing and our Sky TV keeps cutting out. We've walked too and from school in far heavier rain though!

Noooooo no no no no no no

I'm feeling under the weather.
Not sick enough to be in bed, but definitely no way near 100%. I just want to sit huddled up in as many layers as possible somewhere warm and soft...

I can't!

I have to get three bookday costumes ready and my first assignment is due on thursday, but I have a tutorial tomorrow night so I only have one day to do it really. Then there's all the usual stuff that overwhelms me on a regular day - 'snot fair! I normally get ill in the holidays, I don't have the time right now

*sniffle*

someone kick me out of this chair *coff*

Today is our Mothers' day, today is the day for us mums

Remembering not only how sweet mum was in caring for us when ill, but also the fear when caught scribbling on walls or pulling a sibling's hair! Today is the day to think of our maternal figure, whether it be your biological mother, a grandmother, Aunt, friend, foster mother or the spiritual among us may take this time to look towards Mary, or Mother Earth.

I'm trying to make it as meaningful as it should be for me this year, having never given enough thought before. I am incredibly thankful that my mother took me in as a teen, and held on to me ever since. We don't see enough of each other I suppose, but we always know that the other is there :)

From the other perspective, is this a time to think over my period as a mother?Holding my babies so close in my belly, giving birth, Love and care ever since. My children are still too young to 'get' it all I think, so it is more my time to appreciate being lucky enough to be a mother.
How fortunate are we? To have our babies that will be with us forever, that one day they may feel happy and proud to call me mum and some day become parents themselves.

Happy Mothers day to all the mamas out there.

ElaineXX

Not much going on

Ive not updated in a while, but really not much has been happening.

I'm still gaining weight, albeit very slowly (mercifully!). I'm about 6-7lbs over target now, but making a bit of effort this week.

Back at school this week and it was a bit hard going after only one week off! Maybe it's because Liam was off work with us. Our home is getting increasingly messy, to the point where I'm quite worried that I shall never regain control. There just always seems to be too much to do! I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and likely to get on with stuff today, but then I've already had to take Scarlett to ballet (Liam's at a tutorial) and collect an item for Liam from the sorting office (which wasn't even there after the loooonnnng queue dammit) and then I'll have to whisk Scarlett off to a party this afternoon (do these parties ever end??) so although feeling positive, I probably wont actually get any more than usual done at home.

I had a bit of a landmark moment with Tonks yesterday morning - as I was getting ready to put her lead on and return home, she suddenly saw a teenage boy come in to the park on his way to school and bombed after him faster than you could imagine! I quickly 'pipped' on my whistle and prayed that she would come back; she got within inches of this boy when she stopped and turned back to me like a bullet! Shocked was an understatement - and I was so so proud of her! Of course, as DH pointed out, it would be far better if she never run after him in the first place, but that moment really was a breakthrough and I hope that we can keep with it.
Today she had fun with another pup her age, a male Staff x weimaraner who kept trying to mount her! He really tried to dominate and Tonks lost all assertiveness, that was the first time I've seen her roll over for another dog, lol! But I'm glad in a way, she needs to experience all kinds of dogs while she's young and able to learn better.

Gah - I'm so *tired*!!! I could just fall asleep now, and my eyes are stinging like mad. I didn't go to bed that late and slept well, without getting up as early as usual this morning. Yet every single day I am falling asleep - I wish I knew why.