...as it's late, and I'm tired but have loads of crap to do and an early start in the morning. Shouldn't be on here at all really.
Things are going lovely for everyone. They are all doing so well. And today I felt pregnant. Sound weird? I don't know why, it just suddenly hit me that I felt pregnant, and a ray of hope came over me, and a big smile.
I tried not to test when I got home, honest I did. But those bloody ebay tests - there's so cheap! I think the pack I had contained 10 when I bought it - there's two left now. And I only got one line.
I don't know why I did it, wishful thinking I suppose. I'm not even due my period for another 10 days, but then my cycle isn't regular so I thought 'you never know...'
So that's it for now. Still not knocked up. Busy times coming and I'm little prepared. Unless I can get my arse in to gear Rowan's birthday is going to be a crap stress-fest.
.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
blog blog blog
And now to continue my marathon blogging - this really is the problem with having a life; it gets in the way of precious internet time.
So last week started well. I went back to Slimming World after a week of trying to pull it back together after my illness week. I did lose loads that week, but I'm sure it's not from eating less, it's more likely to be the fact that I've started going home in the afternoons, bringing my day's walking up to at least 9 miles!
Well I got to my target weight AT LAST. I've only been trying since the beginning of the year! It started off with a poxy half stone to lose and got worse and worse. Not going to let that happen again (I hope!). I actually went below target, so set it a little higher than what I was, because I know just a few lbs can make quite a difference in how much I struggle. Oh, I also got Slimmer of the Week! Joint with a couple of other women, but still, woohoo!
Frazer came out of school with a cut lip on Monday. Not a big one, and I forgot to ask about it. Liam told me later that Frazer said James had punched him in the face twice that day! I've spoken to Frazer about it, but as usual, he really plays things down. He doesn't want any hassle, and doesn't want to get anyone else in to trouble - this is just how he is. In the end he said (compromised?) that James had done it once by accident, and once because he was being silly/mean.
I spoke to his teacher, who was great about it. Because of my graduation I couldn't speak to her in the morning, so asked if I could 'have a word after school' - I always want to LOL at how that must strike fear in to every teacher's heart, just as it does for us parents!
She admitted that she doesn't know the class very well yet, but has been keeping an eye on Frazer. There's been a crane thingie parked outside their class and it's been making them a bit loopy apparently, it's gone now though. She was very sorry that Frazer had been hurt, and as I suspected, she doesn't recall telling him to sit down after him telling her he had been hit. I'm guessing he used his super quiet voice. I don't think James will be silly again, he's not normally.
She has been watching him - I can tell from what she says of him. Firstly that he seems worried all the time, like he's scared he is about to be shouted at (yet he is one of the most sensible children in the school!). She has also seen how he sits alone sometimes in the playground - which I am glad of, because I had asked other teachers and they had never noticed. She approached him the other day to ask if he had anyone to play with and he said yes, although it was quite clear he had not.
I don't really know what to do about that. His teacher sent over some other children to play, and I told her how I know he is dependant on Scarlett - I think he has been wolfing down his lunch in order to get in to the playground while she is still out, as infants play finishes earlier.
At least he has a teacher that is aware, and keeping an eye. On a *far* better note - he has an achievements assembly this week, on Friday (and Liam has the day off!), of which he is so proud that it's a pleasure to see.
Tuesday was graduation day and I had fun!
Me and Liam were both dressed smartly, and even though not everyone made quite the same effort, we had a great time and I didn't feel odd. It was lovely, good speeches by people I admire about subjects I am passionate about. We all presented our posters - I ended up presenting three! My own, the woman in our group that could not be there, and the joint group effort.
They were good though. We had one demonstrating that breastfeeding is more than just another lifestyle choice (pics of choosing a car, holiday etc), it is an important health decision (pic of sick baby and worried parents)
Mine was of many different coloured mums breastfeeding in a row - the United Colours of Breastfeeding - as it is one of the things that unites women, regardless of background, across the globe. The idea is blatantly stolen, but rearranged a little and it works.
The group effort, which was a quick one as we didn't want to waste fab pictures - was of a woman breastfeeding in the middle (a happy laughing mum watching her toddler on a swing!) and other mammals being fed in 4 pictures around it. Simple wording: My baby, My milk - but thinking back, I reckon it would make a really good poster in a pre-school setting.
We were presented with our certificates by Dame Donna Kinnair - she is fab - and we also got a Breastfeeding 'Bible' - the La Leche League Breastfeeding Answer Book - it's rather huge! Oh, we also got a shiney BFPC b
adge, and we were interviewed by the local press who asked a couple of rather awkward questions (what one thing would you say to people out there about breastfeeding and the cafes?), but I think I did well when I stressed the word NORMAL. I said if I could say one thing to people out there, it would be to say that they should come along to the cafe and see for themselves. It's not hippies, not yuppies, it's just mums, with their babies - we feed them when they need it, we drink tea and eat biscuits with a bit of a chat and if we ever need help, it's right there.
So last week started well. I went back to Slimming World after a week of trying to pull it back together after my illness week. I did lose loads that week, but I'm sure it's not from eating less, it's more likely to be the fact that I've started going home in the afternoons, bringing my day's walking up to at least 9 miles!
Well I got to my target weight AT LAST. I've only been trying since the beginning of the year! It started off with a poxy half stone to lose and got worse and worse. Not going to let that happen again (I hope!). I actually went below target, so set it a little higher than what I was, because I know just a few lbs can make quite a difference in how much I struggle. Oh, I also got Slimmer of the Week! Joint with a couple of other women, but still, woohoo!
Frazer came out of school with a cut lip on Monday. Not a big one, and I forgot to ask about it. Liam told me later that Frazer said James had punched him in the face twice that day! I've spoken to Frazer about it, but as usual, he really plays things down. He doesn't want any hassle, and doesn't want to get anyone else in to trouble - this is just how he is. In the end he said (compromised?) that James had done it once by accident, and once because he was being silly/mean.
I spoke to his teacher, who was great about it. Because of my graduation I couldn't speak to her in the morning, so asked if I could 'have a word after school' - I always want to LOL at how that must strike fear in to every teacher's heart, just as it does for us parents!
She admitted that she doesn't know the class very well yet, but has been keeping an eye on Frazer. There's been a crane thingie parked outside their class and it's been making them a bit loopy apparently, it's gone now though. She was very sorry that Frazer had been hurt, and as I suspected, she doesn't recall telling him to sit down after him telling her he had been hit. I'm guessing he used his super quiet voice. I don't think James will be silly again, he's not normally.
She has been watching him - I can tell from what she says of him. Firstly that he seems worried all the time, like he's scared he is about to be shouted at (yet he is one of the most sensible children in the school!). She has also seen how he sits alone sometimes in the playground - which I am glad of, because I had asked other teachers and they had never noticed. She approached him the other day to ask if he had anyone to play with and he said yes, although it was quite clear he had not.
I don't really know what to do about that. His teacher sent over some other children to play, and I told her how I know he is dependant on Scarlett - I think he has been wolfing down his lunch in order to get in to the playground while she is still out, as infants play finishes earlier.
At least he has a teacher that is aware, and keeping an eye. On a *far* better note - he has an achievements assembly this week, on Friday (and Liam has the day off!), of which he is so proud that it's a pleasure to see.
Tuesday was graduation day and I had fun!
Me and Liam were both dressed smartly, and even though not everyone made quite the same effort, we had a great time and I didn't feel odd. It was lovely, good speeches by people I admire about subjects I am passionate about. We all presented our posters - I ended up presenting three! My own, the woman in our group that could not be there, and the joint group effort.
They were good though. We had one demonstrating that breastfeeding is more than just another lifestyle choice (pics of choosing a car, holiday etc), it is an important health decision (pic of sick baby and worried parents)
Mine was of many different coloured mums breastfeeding in a row - the United Colours of Breastfeeding - as it is one of the things that unites women, regardless of background, across the globe. The idea is blatantly stolen, but rearranged a little and it works.
The group effort, which was a quick one as we didn't want to waste fab pictures - was of a woman breastfeeding in the middle (a happy laughing mum watching her toddler on a swing!) and other mammals being fed in 4 pictures around it. Simple wording: My baby, My milk - but thinking back, I reckon it would make a really good poster in a pre-school setting.
We were presented with our certificates by Dame Donna Kinnair - she is fab - and we also got a Breastfeeding 'Bible' - the La Leche League Breastfeeding Answer Book - it's rather huge! Oh, we also got a shiney BFPC b
adge, and we were interviewed by the local press who asked a couple of rather awkward questions (what one thing would you say to people out there about breastfeeding and the cafes?), but I think I did well when I stressed the word NORMAL. I said if I could say one thing to people out there, it would be to say that they should come along to the cafe and see for themselves. It's not hippies, not yuppies, it's just mums, with their babies - we feed them when they need it, we drink tea and eat biscuits with a bit of a chat and if we ever need help, it's right there.
Monday, September 29, 2008
It's been a good week
So my last entry was a bit down, but I've picked things up from there. I got a little tipsy (well, actually it was rather too tipsy on very little wine! *ahem*) and had a good old talk with Liam which helped me loads. That's not to say that Liam is the cause of all my problems, not by a looonnnngg way, but he is my best friend and my confidant when I need him. More than just a shoulder to cry on; he makes me feel secure when I'm in one of my spinning around in a lost void kind of moments.
I decided to back off from TTC. I don't know how well I will be able to stick to this, especially next month when I get the same rush of hormones, but I'm hoping to make it easier on myself.
I've not looked at 'Fertilityfriend' for a while now - well, actually, I've just opened the page after typing that, so I really am weak! It's curiosity that got me started on it, and curiosity that makes me check. I've never done this the way so many other women do, but having dipped my toe in I know that I just can't take it - there's so much pressure to put on myself, and way way too much stressing.
So from now on we'll just see what happens. I'm even determined to leave it a few days after my period is due before testing, but we'll see how well that determination lasts in two weeks time.
Liam got the all clear on his elbow at last, he has been having physio for this for so long now I don't even know when the problem started. He couldn't fully extend his arm, and he couldn't carry anything remotely heavy on that side, it was very painful. I think he did it while at Ju-jitsu (or maybe carrying heavy things at work), which he has given up for now anyway. I think when his OU course is done he might return.
It's funny though, as soon as I got a text from him to say that no more physio was needed, I thought to myself; 'He will get the job now then.' I just knew that it would go in that order - he got a good pass on his OU assignment, then the physiotherapist said that his arm was sorted and then he got a phonecall to say he passed everything and has the job if he wants it!
This is fantastic. OK, I do realise that PCSOs are more hated than Traffic Wardens by some people (and not much more use in crime most of the time too) but it does get Liam out of the crappy job he's in now, a job he's wanted to leave for a loooonnnnnngggg time, but never felt able to. It's also one of the only ways he's been able to get in to the police force. When he was looking to join he realised that really they were only interested in recruiting ethnic minorities and women (positive discrimination makes me SICK) and he found out that if you go in to the PCSOs, then after a year you can apply and train to be in the real Police Force.
Of course, since then he found a couple of open police recruitment days but he's not allowed to apply for both jobs, so we wont dwell on that.
It does raise a couple of issues though. Kung fu is one of the main ones - at the moment he teaches twice a week: on wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings. Of course the police (and PCSOs) do shift work, so unless they are either lenient for him or his black belts agree to reliably stick to a rota of training the lower belts, it's going to leave him stuck. It would be such a shame to see the class go down the drain, but then so few are turning up on sundays anyway. The kiddy class is great though, and Wednesdays are doing ok I think.
Another issue is us as a family, although it's not such a big issue for me, which I suppose is surprising. If Liam works a late shift, I know that he will still have time to be around me and the children. If he has to work Christmas I will hate it, but at the same time I know we'd deal with it (even if it meant having Christmas on a different day), and I'm sure that after all this time jobs that require these kinds of hours/days will have partial solutions at least.
No, it will sound trivial, and like a joke, but I really am more worried about dinners! I am a hopeless, hopeless cook, and I have no desire at all to learn.
However, Liam is an enthusiastic and wonderful cook! He prepares meals that we all like, nutritious meals with a variety of ingredients, he knows what goes with what and he makes an effort to find out more.
I will stick to a couple of basics and the rest will be burnt fishfingers and chips! I don't want that for our family, but I really am crap - no one wants to eat when I've cooked. I can bake - and decorate! - but we can hardly have cakes for dinner every day, or can we......? lol
But there are more pluses to this job besides Liam getting out of the one he's in now. He will be out of the office and on the streets, in public. He will be helping people, which he is very good at. He will have an opening in to the police force, he will be a keyworker (if not as a PCSO then he will when a PC) and so will be entitled to keyworker housing. A good friend pointed out to me that if we can get on to an estate that is all keyworker housing it will be fantastic for us and our children, as the other children and people there will all be of families that have to hold down a good and steady job - not the stereotype council scum that we have invading the once-peaceful square that we have now.
His pay will go up, but then again, we will have to deal with the tax credits people messing us about as a result, and work out savings rather than relying on a Christmas bonus to buy presents with! On the other hand, the legal profession often look for people with police or military background, so another bonus there for the future.
The children are so happy, and Liam's family are over the moon too. Scarlett drew a picture straight away, of Daddy in a police uniform next to a police car - that's a keeper. Liam's family have been discussing little gifts they can get him, all along the lines of a toy truncheon or bobby hat, which made me giggle - he will get the uniform he needs on the job! lol
But best of all, Liam is happy. He found out on thursday and was like a changed person when I saw him. Liam's mum said she could hear it in his voice on the phone. I never realised just how much it was all bogging him down until Friday morning, when he was on his way in to work, about to tell his boss. I commented on how pleased he was with himself and he really was! He was beaming from the inside out, and it's really as though a weight has been lifted from him. I am proud of him, but I knew it would come anyway. What I really feel is a mixture of relief and gladness, that he is the person he deserves to be, a happy one.
The week had it's other good points, but I've blathered on so much I really do need to stop there!
I will make key notes to come back to (as I really am sad like that, and forgetful!):
SW target(!)
Frazer and James
Coffee Morning
Jenny's Birthday
Sarah's visit
Rowan's Birthday worries
Blog link requests(?)
Wow, I really have been busy this week :)
.
I decided to back off from TTC. I don't know how well I will be able to stick to this, especially next month when I get the same rush of hormones, but I'm hoping to make it easier on myself.
I've not looked at 'Fertilityfriend' for a while now - well, actually, I've just opened the page after typing that, so I really am weak! It's curiosity that got me started on it, and curiosity that makes me check. I've never done this the way so many other women do, but having dipped my toe in I know that I just can't take it - there's so much pressure to put on myself, and way way too much stressing.
So from now on we'll just see what happens. I'm even determined to leave it a few days after my period is due before testing, but we'll see how well that determination lasts in two weeks time.
Liam got the all clear on his elbow at last, he has been having physio for this for so long now I don't even know when the problem started. He couldn't fully extend his arm, and he couldn't carry anything remotely heavy on that side, it was very painful. I think he did it while at Ju-jitsu (or maybe carrying heavy things at work), which he has given up for now anyway. I think when his OU course is done he might return.
It's funny though, as soon as I got a text from him to say that no more physio was needed, I thought to myself; 'He will get the job now then.' I just knew that it would go in that order - he got a good pass on his OU assignment, then the physiotherapist said that his arm was sorted and then he got a phonecall to say he passed everything and has the job if he wants it!
This is fantastic. OK, I do realise that PCSOs are more hated than Traffic Wardens by some people (and not much more use in crime most of the time too) but it does get Liam out of the crappy job he's in now, a job he's wanted to leave for a loooonnnnnngggg time, but never felt able to. It's also one of the only ways he's been able to get in to the police force. When he was looking to join he realised that really they were only interested in recruiting ethnic minorities and women (positive discrimination makes me SICK) and he found out that if you go in to the PCSOs, then after a year you can apply and train to be in the real Police Force.
Of course, since then he found a couple of open police recruitment days
It does raise a couple of issues though. Kung fu is one of the main ones - at the moment he teaches twice a week: on wednesday evenings and Sunday mornings. Of course the police (and PCSOs) do shift work, so unless they are either lenient for him or his black belts agree to reliably stick to a rota of training the lower belts, it's going to leave him stuck. It would be such a shame to see the class go down the drain, but then so few are turning up on sundays anyway. The kiddy class is great though, and Wednesdays are doing ok I think.
Another issue is us as a family, although it's not such a big issue for me, which I suppose is surprising. If Liam works a late shift, I know that he will still have time to be around me and the children. If he has to work Christmas I will hate it, but at the same time I know we'd deal with it (even if it meant having Christmas on a different day), and I'm sure that after all this time jobs that require these kinds of hours/days will have partial solutions at least.
No, it will sound trivial, and like a joke, but I really am more worried about dinners! I am a hopeless, hopeless cook, and I have no desire at all to learn.
However, Liam is an enthusiastic and wonderful cook! He prepares meals that we all like, nutritious meals with a variety of ingredients, he knows what goes with what and he makes an effort to find out more.
I will stick to a couple of basics and the rest will be burnt fishfingers and chips! I don't want that for our family, but I really am crap - no one wants to eat when I've cooked. I can bake - and decorate! - but we can hardly have cakes for dinner every day, or can we......? lol
But there are more pluses to this job besides Liam getting out of the one he's in now. He will be out of the office and on the streets, in public. He will be helping people, which he is very good at. He will have an opening in to the police force, he will be a keyworker (if not as a PCSO then he will when a PC) and so will be entitled to keyworker housing. A good friend pointed out to me that if we can get on to an estate that is all keyworker housing it will be fantastic for us and our children, as the other children and people there will all be of families that have to hold down a good and steady job - not the stereotype council scum that we have invading the once-peaceful square that we have now.
His pay will go up, but then again, we will have to deal with the tax credits people messing us about as a result, and work out savings rather than relying on a Christmas bonus to buy presents with! On the other hand, the legal profession often look for people with police or military background, so another bonus there for the future.
The children are so happy, and Liam's family are over the moon too. Scarlett drew a picture straight away, of Daddy in a police uniform next to a police car - that's a keeper. Liam's family have been discussing little gifts they can get him, all along the lines of a toy truncheon or bobby hat, which made me giggle - he will get the uniform he needs on the job! lol
But best of all, Liam is happy. He found out on thursday and was like a changed person when I saw him. Liam's mum said she could hear it in his voice on the phone. I never realised just how much it was all bogging him down until Friday morning, when he was on his way in to work, about to tell his boss. I commented on how pleased he was with himself and he really was! He was beaming from the inside out, and it's really as though a weight has been lifted from him. I am proud of him, but I knew it would come anyway. What I really feel is a mixture of relief and gladness, that he is the person he deserves to be, a happy one.
The week had it's other good points, but I've blathered on so much I really do need to stop there!
I will make key notes to come back to (as I really am sad like that, and forgetful!):
SW target(!)
Frazer and James
Coffee Morning
Jenny's Birthday
Sarah's visit
Rowan's Birthday worries
Blog link requests(?)
Wow, I really have been busy this week :)
.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
sigh
I'm having a really pants couple of days. I'm hoping that it's hormonal and will pass soon, but there are other factors in why I'm feeling crap, I just can't go in to it unfortunately.
No one is sick or anything, don't worry about that - It's all me I guess, as usual. Would be nice if it wasn't my fault for a change but it so often is that I should be used to it.
Anyway - it's a bit of a ho-hum moment. I shan't go on, but I've explained myself now, in case I'm posting less over the next few days.
.
No one is sick or anything, don't worry about that - It's all me I guess, as usual. Would be nice if it wasn't my fault for a change but it so often is that I should be used to it.
Anyway - it's a bit of a ho-hum moment. I shan't go on, but I've explained myself now, in case I'm posting less over the next few days.
.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I'm graduating in the morning....
....ding dong the bells are gonna chime...!
Nope, just doesn't work, does it?
It's the Graduation Ceremony for my year of Breastfeeding Peer Counsellors tomorrow and I'm nervy for more than one reason, though looking forward to it all the same.
Did I mention on here that during our course we had to design breast feeding posters? Well my group (of 3 women) kinda bliped it up there - we ended up making a poster each! Actually, I think there might have even been an extra one, damn, it would be useful to remember what it was right now...
Well one of the women, F, is lovely, but quite softly spoken, and the other in my group can't make it to the graduation tomorrow (she's gutted, the poor thing), so that means it will probably be me who has to make the presentation during the graduation tomorrow. And that means 2 - or maybe 3 - posters to present, if I assume that F will want to present her own. And there's the one that I can't even remember, so I'll have to wing it at the time I think!
I'm also kinda eeked that I'm going to make a fool of myself in some way. One worry is my fellow BFPCs will be going ultra casual, when I really want to take this opportunity to dress up and look good! I want to celebrate the fact that I've achieved something, and I'm not going to feel that I've done that if I go in jeans and a t-shirt.
Fortunately, Rebecca has just returned to the country and one of the first things she said to me was 'what am I going to wear?!' and so we are going to show the other ladies how it's done at our cafe ;)
Rowan is hot and ill. I'm hoping not too ill. He managed nursery fine today, but I did give him a dose of paracetamol before going in as he seemed as though he was starting to droop. Tonight in bed I've heard him moan a few times, which isn't a good sign. Tomorrow my mother in law is supposed to be having him in the morning and taking him to school in the afternoon for me. I'm pretty sure that she will be fine keeping him at home if he's too ill for school, but I'll feel bad about it if that happens. I know that there will be no good in bringing him tomorrow though - he's rather be at his nanny's where he can lie down if he needs it.
Other than that, I think I have no worries about tomorrow, apart from maybe getting there on time, and the fact that it looks like it's going to pour down. Grrreat.
On the plus side, I get to meet up with all my fellow BF enthusiasts, and talk lots about the subject, and of course about how we have done something good with ourselves. Getting to show off the posters will be nice, as there were some crackers made by some of the groups.
Dame Donna (wish I could remember her last name) will be there, and apparently she's lovely and has done loads for our area in health care. Liam has booked the day off tomorrow to be with me, which I am super happy about. I wish we were allowed two guests so that I could bring my mum.
Kath and Rachel will be there also, and I'm especially pleased about Kath as she's left London now. I'll get to see both their little daughters as the mummies talk to the man from the press - we're gonna be in the paper I think!
So it all starts at 10am for refreshments, and finishes at 1pm when we all get to have lunch - that's quite a bit of time to fill in the middle there, I wonder what will happen, and hope it's not going to be boring! lol
Oh yes I just remembered - we will be presented with our breastfeeding 'bibles' - the super duper book that has everything you could ever want to know in it. Cool eh?
Nope, just doesn't work, does it?
It's the Graduation Ceremony for my year of Breastfeeding Peer Counsellors tomorrow and I'm nervy for more than one reason, though looking forward to it all the same.
Did I mention on here that during our course we had to design breast feeding posters? Well my group (of 3 women) kinda bliped it up there - we ended up making a poster each! Actually, I think there might have even been an extra one, damn, it would be useful to remember what it was right now...
Well one of the women, F, is lovely, but quite softly spoken, and the other in my group can't make it to the graduation tomorrow (she's gutted, the poor thing), so that means it will probably be me who has to make the presentation during the graduation tomorrow. And that means 2 - or maybe 3 - posters to present, if I assume that F will want to present her own. And there's the one that I can't even remember, so I'll have to wing it at the time I think!
I'm also kinda eeked that I'm going to make a fool of myself in some way. One worry is my fellow BFPCs will be going ultra casual, when I really want to take this opportunity to dress up and look good! I want to celebrate the fact that I've achieved something, and I'm not going to feel that I've done that if I go in jeans and a t-shirt.
Fortunately, Rebecca has just returned to the country and one of the first things she said to me was 'what am I going to wear?!' and so we are going to show the other ladies how it's done at our cafe ;)
Rowan is hot and ill. I'm hoping not too ill. He managed nursery fine today, but I did give him a dose of paracetamol before going in as he seemed as though he was starting to droop. Tonight in bed I've heard him moan a few times, which isn't a good sign. Tomorrow my mother in law is supposed to be having him in the morning and taking him to school in the afternoon for me. I'm pretty sure that she will be fine keeping him at home if he's too ill for school, but I'll feel bad about it if that happens. I know that there will be no good in bringing him tomorrow though - he's rather be at his nanny's where he can lie down if he needs it.
Other than that, I think I have no worries about tomorrow, apart from maybe getting there on time, and the fact that it looks like it's going to pour down. Grrreat.
On the plus side, I get to meet up with all my fellow BF enthusiasts, and talk lots about the subject, and of course about how we have done something good with ourselves. Getting to show off the posters will be nice, as there were some crackers made by some of the groups.
Dame Donna (wish I could remember her last name) will be there, and apparently she's lovely and has done loads for our area in health care. Liam has booked the day off tomorrow to be with me, which I am super happy about. I wish we were allowed two guests so that I could bring my mum.
Kath and Rachel will be there also, and I'm especially pleased about Kath as she's left London now. I'll get to see both their little daughters as the mummies talk to the man from the press - we're gonna be in the paper I think!
So it all starts at 10am for refreshments, and finishes at 1pm when we all get to have lunch - that's quite a bit of time to fill in the middle there, I wonder what will happen, and hope it's not going to be boring! lol
Oh yes I just remembered - we will be presented with our breastfeeding 'bibles' - the super duper book that has everything you could ever want to know in it. Cool eh?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Issues with the past rearing it's ugly head again
I must be feeling weak inside somehow today as twice at kung fu I got feeling really wrong around the men there. Unfortunate especially as there were so many men there today - the only other woman was only there for the kiddy class, so in the second hour (the main class) I was the only female.
It started with a father who regularly brings his son along to the young class. They seem like a nice family and I am normally able to chat with them ok, though if I'm honest, I do always feel something - I wish I could describe what. It just feels kind of wrong, like I can feel him looking at me and stuff. He could just be looking in my direction, it's probably all imagination, but it's me and my history really isn't it?
The second was a man I don't know, he used to be a regular but if I have ever met him it was a long time ago. I ended up next to him as we lined up to work on some moves Liam was giving us, and this man was very interested in helping me make sure I get things right. This was uncomfortable in it's self, as I'm such a newbie (he was a blue belt, so about half way to black belt) and I get confused easily, plus I take directions best from certain people who can explain them best, plus this was A MAN I DO NOT KNOW. It freaked me out.
Didn't freak me out as much as when he decided how to show me how to do a back thrust kick and grabbed my foot, almost taking me off balance and I couldn't help but notice how close he was holding my foot to his groin...
It's probably how it was supposed to be - he was being helpful and Liam was right there. I know nothing would happen anyway, but I especially know that I'm always safe with Liam around.
It's left me deflated and odd feeling ever since. I asked Liam who this man was, and he laughed. Apparently he is known for being rather over helpful in getting other people to do things correctly, so it's not just me then. I didn't mention my worries to Liam though, as I know they are all mine. I do actually understand that nothing would have happened and did understand at the time, but my mind kept racing - it seemed obvious to me that he had no idea who I was, if I was attached to anyone (I remove my rings for kung fu), least of all that I am married to his instructor. This was proven to me later on, when I was talking about Frazer and it dawned on him that Frazer was our child. I don't know - Liam would probably tell me I got this wrong; make me realise that I was over reacting. Still, I've not mentioned it anyway.
It makes me feel so odd. I know, I really know that the men that are normally at kung fu are ok. There's a good few of the regulars that I am sure would not only never have any interest in me (but then I think that of most men, fortunately - who knows what I would be like if I thought I was attractive to males out there), but that they would also be very protective of any woman in trouble.
I wonder if I would have taken to this bluebelt differently on another day... I wonder what it is about certain people - or is it all men at first? Is this the reason I hung back from joining kung fu for so long? Because I have always been so aware of my vulnerability? If there's one thing abuse as you are entering your adult years can teach you, it's that you are vulnerable, and open to attack from anywhere.
I consoled myself by really battering the pads when we were doing free contact on them after the 'foot' incident. Bluebelt seemed to think that I couldn't hit a target hard enough, because I was concentrating more on getting my limbs in the right places than the power behind them. I hope he caught a view of a few of my really hard hitting kicks, punches and elbow blows.
I hope that I could hold my own if I ever did really need to again.
.
It started with a father who regularly brings his son along to the young class. They seem like a nice family and I am normally able to chat with them ok, though if I'm honest, I do always feel something - I wish I could describe what. It just feels kind of wrong, like I can feel him looking at me and stuff. He could just be looking in my direction, it's probably all imagination, but it's me and my history really isn't it?
The second was a man I don't know, he used to be a regular but if I have ever met him it was a long time ago. I ended up next to him as we lined up to work on some moves Liam was giving us, and this man was very interested in helping me make sure I get things right. This was uncomfortable in it's self, as I'm such a newbie (he was a blue belt, so about half way to black belt) and I get confused easily, plus I take directions best from certain people who can explain them best, plus this was A MAN I DO NOT KNOW. It freaked me out.
Didn't freak me out as much as when he decided how to show me how to do a back thrust kick and grabbed my foot, almost taking me off balance and I couldn't help but notice how close he was holding my foot to his groin...
It's probably how it was supposed to be - he was being helpful and Liam was right there. I know nothing would happen anyway, but I especially know that I'm always safe with Liam around.
It's left me deflated and odd feeling ever since. I asked Liam who this man was, and he laughed. Apparently he is known for being rather over helpful in getting other people to do things correctly, so it's not just me then. I didn't mention my worries to Liam though, as I know they are all mine. I do actually understand that nothing would have happened and did understand at the time, but my mind kept racing - it seemed obvious to me that he had no idea who I was, if I was attached to anyone (I remove my rings for kung fu), least of all that I am married to his instructor. This was proven to me later on, when I was talking about Frazer and it dawned on him that Frazer was our child. I don't know - Liam would probably tell me I got this wrong; make me realise that I was over reacting. Still, I've not mentioned it anyway.
It makes me feel so odd. I know, I really know that the men that are normally at kung fu are ok. There's a good few of the regulars that I am sure would not only never have any interest in me (but then I think that of most men, fortunately - who knows what I would be like if I thought I was attractive to males out there), but that they would also be very protective of any woman in trouble.
I wonder if I would have taken to this bluebelt differently on another day... I wonder what it is about certain people - or is it all men at first? Is this the reason I hung back from joining kung fu for so long? Because I have always been so aware of my vulnerability? If there's one thing abuse as you are entering your adult years can teach you, it's that you are vulnerable, and open to attack from anywhere.
I consoled myself by really battering the pads when we were doing free contact on them after the 'foot' incident. Bluebelt seemed to think that I couldn't hit a target hard enough, because I was concentrating more on getting my limbs in the right places than the power behind them. I hope he caught a view of a few of my really hard hitting kicks, punches and elbow blows.
I hope that I could hold my own if I ever did really need to again.
.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My fingers are wrinkly
I've just done the washing up for the first time in goodness knows how long! It was odd; it's a job I hate normally, but today I found it OK. Humming along to the radio and musing over recent events. The house is quite quiet with the children all playing upstairs (they are supposed to be tidying their room, but I can hear the bathroom taps going every now and again - that'll be 'hairstyling' *sigh*) and the dog asleep, the cat sunbathing (yes - SUN!) and Liam is out at his tutorial, doing a rehearsal test in preparation of his exam soon.
I'll be pleased when the end of his course arrives, I hope we make the most of his time between this year and next. He has his exam in two week's time, which will mark the end (although I'm sure he has some reading he will still want to do) and then he will start the next part of his course early next year.
I've been missing having him around. OK, we might not do much (TV, internet, tidying up), but it's nice to just have him in the room. Sometimes he is in the room, but then I have to remember to be quiet, and not bring up sudden random conversations to pull him away from his work. I don't mind this, it's the tutorials taking up our weekends, and sometimes the evenings that I have to work at not resenting. I know how important this is, not only to him, but possibly for all of us, if he really does get a good job at the end of it. I really do believe that he can become a barrister if he puts his mind to it, and that would be fantastic for all of us, and worth the hours of study. I just like family time together, and it's already hard enough with ballet on Saturday and kung fu on Sunday.
More so now that Scarlett has extra ballet on Saturday of course (smug mummy!). She seems to be doing OK, today was her second lesson, and as Liam is at his tutorial that meant I had to take her. And as I had the boys with me, that meant I couldn't hang around to watch much.
I wish I knew what bits we could practice at home with her. I've never done ballet, never really done dance either, but I would Love to help Scarlett on her way. She was happy to be taking part - she was beaming! - and she seems to keep up well, not getting tired or bored.
This isn't the first time I've been a proud mum for her - and Frazer too actually; on Wednesday Frazer's percussion classes begun again, he does half an hour after school normally. When his time was up, I went upstairs to speak to Fran, the music teacher, as I knew she was up there talking to Leigh, the percussion teacher, and I want to get Frazer started on an instrument now that he is in the juniors.
Fran said that Frazer had never put his hand up when music was suggested to them! Trust him, my little shy boy, I'm so glad I spoke to her now. She and Leigh instantly said how well Frazer does in percussion, and suggested that he stay for the full hour from now on - starting that day! Then Fran asked why Scarlett wasn't doing percussion yet and I said it's because she's only in year one (percussion classes start year two, other music lessons from year 3) and Fran said what a shame this is, because "Scarlett is one of my wonderful pupils..." I was surprised at this! I knwo Scarlett does well academically, and socially, but I have no idea when it comes to music and PE etc.
But to better this, Fran actually asked Leigh if there was space for Scarlett in percussion! Leigh said that there is, but it's not supposed to go to a 5 year old. Fran suggested Scarlett start, but stressed that it would have to be a big secret. So here we are, teaching our child to keep things quiet already. Scarlett stayed for the second half hour of percussion with Frazer (I was surprised! Thought that would be next week) and I went to speak with Fran.
She seems to be a lovely teacher, she's so passionate about music and getting children to enjoy it all. She agrees that Frazer could do very well with an instrument - both she and Leigh were shocked but pleased when I told them that although Frazer hasn't shown any subject that he excels in, he did learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the xylophone in 2 and a half days for his class assembly!
But Fran believes that you can't just shove a child on to any old instrument - it needs to be one that they really want to learn. But having said this, the school only do certain instruments beginning in certain years. Violin is year 4, guitar is year 6 - I think it's dependant on the person teaching and how sensible the children are to learn at that age. She did say that she would look in to seeing if there's violin places available, as Frazer is sensible enough to go in to a group with older children.
They also teach Double Bass, Piano/Keyboard, Brass and a few other instruments, it's a pretty good school in that respect I think. She's also thinking of the keyboard, as he does so good in percussion and it's not far off the xylophone that he did so well with. This would also be good as we have a keyboard/electric piano here at home. But mostly, Fran has encouraged me to get out plenty of classical CDs, to take Frazer along to live performances if I can, and get him in to music as much as possible to see what kind of instrument and music appeals to him. So that is my mission for today, I've not done anything yet. We do have lots of classical CDs - Scarlett Loves them to practice her dancing!
Thursday evening was Rowan's turn to make me proud. He had been invited along to a friend's birthday at the bowling alley. Rowan LOVES bowling. He'd only been once before but even though it was about a year ago, he remembered it very well! He was so good on the night, very social, very polite, played nicely and very much enjoyed himself. We didn't get home until nearly 9pm though!
I expected him to be shattered the next day, but he was fine - then again, he had his nap at nursery on Thursday before the party! He keeps doing this, but the staff don't mind. Rowan just takes himself off to the little bed in the home corner, or the sofa in the reading area and goes to sleep - he doesn't care at all what people might think! It's quite a common occurrence now, but I don't mind, if he needs the sleep then he can get it, at least he can sleep through children playing and stuff.
It turned out that I was the tired one! My smoke alarm was playing silly buggers with us, from about 3am! Finally got it to be quiet at 4:30 - but I wasn't sure how I got it to stop beeping. It wasn't the full alarm sound, just an intermittent beeping, like it had a low battery - but it runs off the mains! I think it must be the battery though - I've done now what I was scared to do on the night and pulled the whole thing down. I was worried that if I did this it would never stop beeping! Like Phoebe in Friends...
Friday saw another appliance break. I was absolutely shattered last night and falling asleep as I loaded the dishwasher (flylady routines have gone out of the window this week) before bed, but then I couldn't shut the door.
I spent so long shifting things around in there and removing pots and pans that I ended up sitting on the floor to do it! I called Liam in eventually, and he figured out that it was actually the catch at the top of the door. We can ram the door and get it to shut, but it wont hold there. I have no idea why this should go though - we've never been hard on it, I've looked after it quite well I think, apart from never buying those cleaning products to flush the thing out. I was going to soon, as it was getting a bit grimey. I've never even pulled it out to try to figure out why it's been leaking for ages (not a huge leak) as I've been scared that I might break it!
Oh well. A big fat pants to that. Today I've been washing up, and now it's taken me so long to blog this horribly long ramble (yeah, sorry about that!), I no longer have wrinkly fingers!
.
I'll be pleased when the end of his course arrives, I hope we make the most of his time between this year and next. He has his exam in two week's time, which will mark the end (although I'm sure he has some reading he will still want to do) and then he will start the next part of his course early next year.
I've been missing having him around. OK, we might not do much (TV, internet, tidying up), but it's nice to just have him in the room. Sometimes he is in the room, but then I have to remember to be quiet, and not bring up sudden random conversations to pull him away from his work. I don't mind this, it's the tutorials taking up our weekends, and sometimes the evenings that I have to work at not resenting. I know how important this is, not only to him, but possibly for all of us, if he really does get a good job at the end of it. I really do believe that he can become a barrister if he puts his mind to it, and that would be fantastic for all of us, and worth the hours of study. I just like family time together, and it's already hard enough with ballet on Saturday and kung fu on Sunday.
More so now that Scarlett has extra ballet on Saturday of course (smug mummy!). She seems to be doing OK, today was her second lesson, and as Liam is at his tutorial that meant I had to take her. And as I had the boys with me, that meant I couldn't hang around to watch much.
I wish I knew what bits we could practice at home with her. I've never done ballet, never really done dance either, but I would Love to help Scarlett on her way. She was happy to be taking part - she was beaming! - and she seems to keep up well, not getting tired or bored.
This isn't the first time I've been a proud mum for her - and Frazer too actually; on Wednesday Frazer's percussion classes begun again, he does half an hour after school normally. When his time was up, I went upstairs to speak to Fran, the music teacher, as I knew she was up there talking to Leigh, the percussion teacher, and I want to get Frazer started on an instrument now that he is in the juniors.
Fran said that Frazer had never put his hand up when music was suggested to them! Trust him, my little shy boy, I'm so glad I spoke to her now. She and Leigh instantly said how well Frazer does in percussion, and suggested that he stay for the full hour from now on - starting that day! Then Fran asked why Scarlett wasn't doing percussion yet and I said it's because she's only in year one (percussion classes start year two, other music lessons from year 3) and Fran said what a shame this is, because "Scarlett is one of my wonderful pupils..." I was surprised at this! I knwo Scarlett does well academically, and socially, but I have no idea when it comes to music and PE etc.
But to better this, Fran actually asked Leigh if there was space for Scarlett in percussion! Leigh said that there is, but it's not supposed to go to a 5 year old. Fran suggested Scarlett start, but stressed that it would have to be a big secret. So here we are, teaching our child to keep things quiet already. Scarlett stayed for the second half hour of percussion with Frazer (I was surprised! Thought that would be next week) and I went to speak with Fran.
She seems to be a lovely teacher, she's so passionate about music and getting children to enjoy it all. She agrees that Frazer could do very well with an instrument - both she and Leigh were shocked but pleased when I told them that although Frazer hasn't shown any subject that he excels in, he did learn how to play 'London's Burning' on the xylophone in 2 and a half days for his class assembly!
But Fran believes that you can't just shove a child on to any old instrument - it needs to be one that they really want to learn. But having said this, the school only do certain instruments beginning in certain years. Violin is year 4, guitar is year 6 - I think it's dependant on the person teaching and how sensible the children are to learn at that age. She did say that she would look in to seeing if there's violin places available, as Frazer is sensible enough to go in to a group with older children.
They also teach Double Bass, Piano/Keyboard, Brass and a few other instruments, it's a pretty good school in that respect I think. She's also thinking of the keyboard, as he does so good in percussion and it's not far off the xylophone that he did so well with. This would also be good as we have a keyboard/electric piano here at home. But mostly, Fran has encouraged me to get out plenty of classical CDs, to take Frazer along to live performances if I can, and get him in to music as much as possible to see what kind of instrument and music appeals to him. So that is my mission for today, I've not done anything yet. We do have lots of classical CDs - Scarlett Loves them to practice her dancing!
Thursday evening was Rowan's turn to make me proud. He had been invited along to a friend's birthday at the bowling alley. Rowan LOVES bowling. He'd only been once before but even though it was about a year ago, he remembered it very well! He was so good on the night, very social, very polite, played nicely and very much enjoyed himself. We didn't get home until nearly 9pm though!
I expected him to be shattered the next day, but he was fine - then again, he had his nap at nursery on Thursday before the party! He keeps doing this, but the staff don't mind. Rowan just takes himself off to the little bed in the home corner, or the sofa in the reading area and goes to sleep - he doesn't care at all what people might think! It's quite a common occurrence now, but I don't mind, if he needs the sleep then he can get it, at least he can sleep through children playing and stuff.
It turned out that I was the tired one! My smoke alarm was playing silly buggers with us, from about 3am! Finally got it to be quiet at 4:30 - but I wasn't sure how I got it to stop beeping. It wasn't the full alarm sound, just an intermittent beeping, like it had a low battery - but it runs off the mains! I think it must be the battery though - I've done now what I was scared to do on the night and pulled the whole thing down. I was worried that if I did this it would never stop beeping! Like Phoebe in Friends...
Friday saw another appliance break. I was absolutely shattered last night and falling asleep as I loaded the dishwasher (flylady routines have gone out of the window this week) before bed, but then I couldn't shut the door.
I spent so long shifting things around in there and removing pots and pans that I ended up sitting on the floor to do it! I called Liam in eventually, and he figured out that it was actually the catch at the top of the door. We can ram the door and get it to shut, but it wont hold there. I have no idea why this should go though - we've never been hard on it, I've looked after it quite well I think, apart from never buying those cleaning products to flush the thing out. I was going to soon, as it was getting a bit grimey. I've never even pulled it out to try to figure out why it's been leaking for ages (not a huge leak) as I've been scared that I might break it!
Oh well. A big fat pants to that. Today I've been washing up, and now it's taken me so long to blog this horribly long ramble (yeah, sorry about that!), I no longer have wrinkly fingers!
.
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